pregnant don't know what to do

applejj

OK so long story short I had a FWB.found out last week that I'm pregnant abt 8 weeks gone. Told him that I wasn't keeping it and his response was OK cool babe mistakes happens no drama. So i made a appointment to go to the clinic to get referred on Thursday .. He didn't offer to come with me or offer any support what so ever and then messaged me saying how selfish I was for not telling him what was going on ect ect..

So I told him that i had a app for today (Saturday) for a termination.
hes the selfish one he didn't offer me support or ask to come with me his reply was are defo goin to go through with it and what do u want me to do we were only sleeping together what do u expect.. At this point I told him that I do not wna speak to him and do not contact me again n he replys with OK babe sure.. I have not heard from him since..

Today I went in to the clinic to get the termination and I was told that all appointments had all been cancelled because a nurse hadn't turned me so I had to make another app for next Saturday...

It has put doubts in my mind now that maybe I should keep it and maybe today happend for a reason but I need to be realistic I'm 26yrs, their making cuts in work I was the last one in so my job isn't stable, I don't live in Ireland anymore so I don't have any family support . And I do not want to bring a child into the world from a broken family... But another part of me is telling myself I should keep it , move home to my family where I know it will loved and cared for.. But I am just not in a good financial state I'm only starting off in my career and I already had to move away to find work so moving back home and finding a job is going to take some time...

I just want some opinions on people that have been through this before and what their outcome is... Thank u

honey79

I'm so sorry you had to go through today with out support

Unfortunately this is not a decision anyone can make for you . My only advice would be you messages reads like you are having doubts about your decision you have be given an extra week to think long and hard about what's. Best for you and if by next Saturday your still having doubts then you will have your answer.

Take care of yourself xx

ElleEm

Is there crisis pregnancy counselling available in the clinic you booked into? It certainly sounds like you need professional support.

Stheno

Yep if you can get it then pregnancy counselling might help you hugely, you are having a tough time right now and need some support

LegacyUser

I feel for you and your situation but cant help but notice that you talk more about your FWB being selfish and not supporting you enough than you do about bringing a baby into the world. I don't know how much emotional support you can really expect from an FWB, that's not really what they're for. It's pretty much a sexual arrangement and up to those involved to use adequate protection in order to prevent situations like this from occurring as it's certainly not ideal to bring a baby into the mix. I know it's too late now but in future you need to think about protection before getting involved in a Situation like this. To me, it reads like you had deeper feelings for this guy than simply a FWB thing. It also sounds like he saw nothing more in you than someone to have sex with. I definitely recommend talking to a therapist if you're having these doubts but don't have romantic notions of everything being easy should you continue with the pregnancy as it certainly doesn't sound like he will be interested in helping you out when he isn't there for your darkest hours.

LegacyUser

Hi

Im just giving you my life experience not trying to sway you in any way. I had a termination in june 2011, I went to England. The first time they didnt tell me till i got there they couldnt do it. The second I went my flight was cancelled and I had to get the ferry over and travel 14 hrs to London. I wish I had looked at the signs. I didnt want to do it but I was scared. If my bf had of said dont do it, I wouldnt have. I just wanted someone to tell me everything was going to be ok. I was so scared.

I have lived with the regret of this since then. It still hurts me and most likely always will be something I will regret.
If you have any doubts at all you need to talk to someone because trust me while you think its one solution fixing the problem, you dont realise your trading it for another set of problems that leave a mark on you. (well for me anyway)

Do whats best for you, emotionally, psychically and mentally. I hope you get support because either way you will need it.

The very best of luck.

Rubberchikken

Talk to a crisis pregnancy counsellor before you go through with anything. That way you'll have given yourself a fair chance of making a decision you'll be comfortable with.

I'm sorry you're in this position and hope you have some suportive friends around.

The best pf luck with whatever decision you make.

jimd2

He sounds like a dickhead. Best of luck in whatever decision you make.

December2012

You told him not to contact you. Now you're annoyed he won't contact you. That's unfair.

You're in a real bind here, do you have to decide so quickly?

Have you spoken with him about it, or just told him what you're going to do?

Whatever you decide, you need to base it on the right reasons. Contacting a crisis pregnancy agency may help, talking to a friend or relative may help, talk to your family - they may, as you say, be very supportive.

What you're going through right now is hard, no matter what happens. You need help to get through this.

sadie06

I think some crisis pregnancy counselling will absolutely be the best thing for you. The cancelled appointment gives you a chance to make sure that your decision has been thought and talked through and that you are doing it all for the right reasons.

Regarding the FWB….well, he may have provided the benefits, but he wasn't much of a friend so I would just cut him loose. In the long run, I do think you should confide in a trusted friend as you move forward. It will be good to have someone to talk to.

Good Luck in your decision.

applejj

Thank u all for your replies I appreciate the time u have taken out to reply.... I have a counselling session on Wednesday with the clinic I'm going too.... I told one of my friends who has been a great help and very supporting through the whole situation...

amdublin

Sounds like you are taking all the right steps. I am glad you have told a friend who is supporting you. And I think the counselling will really help you.

All the best with the counselling, plus whatever you choose in the future.

Lux23

There is a doubt in your mind, I think you need to examine that and discuss with someone before you get the termination. I would forget about what everyone else for the moment because of what people say, it probably will be you left holding the baby both literally and figuratively. Best of luck Op. Xxx

catbear

A friend found herself in exactly the same situation but moved back to her small Irish hometown for support and had the child. Part of reasoning though was she said she'd had enough of London and even without a supportive partner she felt ready to be a parent (she was mid 30s when she got pregnant)

While she wasn't thrilled about being back in her deadend hometown the situation was working for her and she lived independently but near her parents for support.

She was ready for the commitment of parenthood and made the transition. Are you ready?

amdublin

catbear wrote: »

A friend found herself in exactly the same situation but moved back to her small Irish hometown for support and had the child. Part of reasoning though was she said she'd had enough of London and even without a supportive partner she felt ready to be a parent (she was mid 30s when she got pregnant)

While she wasn't thrilled about being back in her deadend hometown the situation was working for her and she lived independently but near her parents for support.

She was ready for the commitment of parenthood and made the transition. Are you ready?

A good question. And thankfully one that the op can explore during counselling this week with a professional, rather than over an internet forum today.

Best of luck with the counselling and whatever your choose to do op.

December2012

Remember OP, that your FWB is not psychic. He probably doesn't know what the best thing is to say or do.

So when you talk to him about this, try to stay calm.

Be direct, and be honest. If you want him to come with you, tell him. Do not expect him to read your mind.

eviltwin

Don't make any decision until you've had counselling. It's the biggest decision you will make so you want to be sure you're doing the right thing. I've been where you are twice. On one occasion I went ahead with the termination. In the other I kept the baby in very unstable circumstances. Both decisions were completely the right thing for me at that time but I made them after careful consideration. The worst thing you can do is make a spur of the moment decision, take you time and remember you can always change your mind. Good luck.

catbear

amdublin wrote: »

A good question. And thankfully one that the op can explore during counselling this week with a professional, rather than over an internet forum today.

Best of luck with the counselling and whatever your choose to do op.

Totally agree.

Chemical Byrne

You're in a tough spot OP. To be honest your "F"WB sounds like a complete douchebag. Like, you tell him you are pregnant and want to have an abortion and his response is "OK cool babe" - WTF?

Only you will know for yourself, but I get the vibe that he is not a good friend and is will probably be a dead beat. Cut him loose, it's his loss.

Definitely speak to a counselor who deals in crisis pregnancy and I'm glad you have a friend to help you.

Ethel

While this was only a FWB situation, he is being a complete dic.k about it, and very disrespectful to you. My feeling is you care for him more than you should in a fwb situation, and I fear its clouding your judgement. Attend counselling by all accounts, but Id think twice before having a child for someone like him.

He might want nothing to do with your baby whatsoever, but you don't know what the future holds. While he goes on living a carefree life, you start the difficult job of single parenthood. Roll on a few years and he might explore the idea of seeing the child. You can tell the sort already. Half a$sed parenting on his part, and you having to explain to a child why 'Daddy couldn't come see you' again.

If somewhere in your head you think the guy will change his mind or commit to you over the baby, I don't like your odds. He's a complete douche.

Chemical Byrne

I agree with the above.

Now perhaps I am overstepping the mark here and I'm just thinking out loud, but knowing how flippant and indifferent this guy is to the fact he is going to be a father, in my head I think it would be a disservice to any child to bring them into the world knowing they will have a douche bag dead beat for a "parent".

His totally casual attitude says it all really. I'd expect a more a more involved response if you were getting a kitten for Christ's sake. Even the fact that he just gave his opinion via a one-liner text is very telling. For something like this a face to face discussion or at the least a phone call is appropriate even just for the sake of having some damn respect. He doesn't care.

Defo go for the counseling. You can then make an objective and well informed decision for yourself.

I know I've said this before but in my view anyone who can be so indifferent as to abandon or have no interest in their own child has something actually mentally wrong with them in their brain.

December2012

What's he supposed to say? If he asked her to keep it he would be told he was being unsupportive and that it wasn't his choice?

Chemical Byrne

December2012 wrote: »

What's he supposed to say? If he asked her to keep it he would be told he was being unsupportive and that it wasn't his choice?

Well I don't know but "Cool babe" doesn't quite cut it.

blacklilly

Hi OP

Sorry to read you're in this situation. One thing though, you've three options, keep the baby, termination or put the baby up for adoption. The third is something that isn't talked about in many of these situations.

I wish you all the best with whatever decision you make.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

I was in almost the exact same situation a few years ago. I chose to move back to my family, have the baby and raise her alone.

While I adore my daughter, I didn't know what I was letting myself in for when I decided to keep her. Here's some of the things I didn't really think about.

1) Limited career prospects. The industry I work in is predominantly UK-based but I simply can't afford to move back to the UK until I'm earning more. It's a chicken-egg situation because I can't build up my skills here as much as I'd like to and so I don't know if I'll ever be able to move back.
2) My daughter has special needs. While the nature of her condition is fairly mild, the added worry of finding the right kinds of therapy for her, and constantly fighting for decent services causes me a lot of stress. It also increases the guilt about having to work to an almost unbearable level.
3) Spontaneity doesn't exist for me anymore. I spend almost every evening at home, and I have to check with my parents before I decide to go anywhere to make sure they can mind my child. Because of her condition, I don't have any other childcare in place. I've had one long weekend away since she was born.
4) The fact that I'm constantly relying on other people. If you're independent, this will be difficult.
5) I haven't been in a relationship since having her. I don't feel like I have the time to invest in getting to know somebody.

Before deciding one way or the other, think seriously about what having a child would mean for you and your life. I was very naive when I made my decision and didn't really consider anything past the pregnancy.

Now that said, I love my daughter to the ends of the earth and having her has brought so much joy into my life, even though it hasn't exactly been plain sailing. If you decide to go ahead with your pregnancy then I wish you all the luck in the world.

Ann84

Hi OP,

Please do seek counselling and make the decision assuming you are going to be a single parent.
I just want to echo everything Beenthereboughttheteeshirt has said, having been in the same boat I agree with everything she mentions... it is a fab post so thanks for your honesty. Very rarely do people articulate that having kids has its pitfalls because your supposed to be so happy to be a parent so thanks for explaining that it does come at a cost...

Someone mentioned adoption, adoption is an extremely difficult option. It can be done but has extremely difficult emotional challenges, not to mention affecting the woman's life dramatically...
Its not easy to hide a pregnancy, social pressure is significant (imagine going into work and seeing a colleague pregnant... 'oh congratulations, I didn't know you were expecting...' oh I am not actually keeping it so lets just ignore it... awkward silence) and so it goes for 6 months... Everyone you know knowing you put a child up for adoption, being judged by those around you... the 'how could she give her baby away brigade'... very difficult to cope with.
The hormones and emotional challenges of carrying a child to term to give it away, alot of women couldn't cope with it and fear they would change their mind despite knowing becoming a parent is not what they really want...
Adoption is a nice idea, but in today's society, it is extremely difficult to actually see through... not ruling it out as an option though...

Best of luck OP, try to remember, whatever decision you make is going to be the right decision, no matter what you do, you will always think of what things would have/ could have been like so just try to look at you, and what you want for your life and make the right decision for you,

blacklilly

Ann84 wrote: »

Hi OP,

Please do seek counselling and make the decision assuming you are going to be a single parent.
I just want to echo everything Beenthereboughttheteeshirt has said, having been in the same boat I agree with everything she mentions... it is a fab post so thanks for your honesty. Very rarely do people articulate that having kids has its pitfalls because your supposed to be so happy to be a parent so thanks for explaining that it does come at a cost...

Someone mentioned adoption, adoption is an extremely difficult option. It can be done but has extremely difficult emotional challenges, not to mention affecting the woman's life dramatically...
Its not easy to hide a pregnancy, social pressure is significant (imagine going into work and seeing a colleague pregnant... 'oh congratulations, I didn't know you were expecting...' oh I am not actually keeping it so lets just ignore it... awkward silence) and so it goes for 6 months... Everyone you know knowing you put a child up for adoption, being judged by those around you... the 'how could she give her baby away brigade'... very difficult to cope with.
The hormones and emotional challenges of carrying a child to term to give it away, alot of women couldn't cope with it and fear they would change their mind despite knowing becoming a parent is not what they really want...
Adoption is a nice idea, but in today's society, it is extremely difficult to actually see through... not ruling it out as an option though...

Best of luck OP, try to remember, whatever decision you make is going to be the right decision, no matter what you do, you will always think of what things would have/ could have been like so just try to look at you, and what you want for your life and make the right decision for you,

Hi Ann,

While I won't contend that adoption isn't easy it is a valid option and has worked for many people.

It is worth bearing in mind that there can be emotional challanges to termination and keeping the baby also, as well as altering the womans life dramitically. Some women find great comfort in giving a child a life with a family and yes others may find it incredible difficult/trying/not possible. There are hormonal issues regardlss of the decision the OP makes.

If a person in the OP'S situation starts to wonder or consider what other people may think of her decision, be that the decision to keep, terminate or adopt then I don't believe the OP will make the right decision for herself.

Ann84

You are right Blacklilly, it's just harder to get through a pregnancy when you are not keeping the baby and you cant hide it so it is just a more public (and publicly judged) option.

I know a number of women who set out for adoption and had been talked out of it but the time they gave birth... my point is that it elongates the process and yes, the benefit is getting to bring the child into the world, but the consequences are quite challenging a many women do find it too hard for the reasons I outlined.

I am not saying it's a better or worse option as all are difficult in their own ways.

Chemical Byrne

Ann84 wrote: »

You are right Blacklilly, it's just harder to get through a pregnancy when you are not keeping the baby and you cant hide it so it is just a more public (and publicly judged) option............

Going slightly OT but the purpose of the Mother and Baby Homes was largely created by this sense of having to hide a pregnant woman lest she bring shame on the family. They were packed off to the homes until they gave the baby for adoption so the neighbours wouldn't see that so-and-so's daughter was unmarried and pregnant. The family would often explain the girls absence by saying things like, oh she's looking after a sick relative up the country or gone off working in a big job in England or something.

Obviously times are changed and this sort of thing no longer occurs but as this thread shows, the vestiges of this culture of shame are still knocking about.

No help to OP I know, but just something I noticed.

Ann84

It is horrible i know but i have personally experienced the fact that girls are still packed off to homes to hide pregnancies...
I lived in a home and witnessed this situation first hand 8 years ago.

But girls aside, women are even more harshly judged because there is an assumption that if you can financially and physically support a child, you should...
I don't agree with this attitude by the way, but unfortunately it is the way it is and as a pregnant woman, you are exposed to the judgement of others no matter what you do.

Again, and this was my point in my original post, the OP needs to make a decision that is best for herself and be confident in that decision knowing it is the right one for her so that she is not hurt/ impacted by others opinions.

eviltwin

blacklilly wrote: »

Hi Ann,

While I won't contend that adoption isn't easy it is a valid option and has worked for many people.

It is worth bearing in mind that there can be emotional challanges to termination and keeping the baby also, as well as altering the womans life dramitically. Some women find great comfort in giving a child a life with a family and yes others may find it incredible difficult/trying/not possible. There are hormonal issues regardlss of the decision the OP makes.

If a person in the OP'S situation starts to wonder or consider what other people may think of her decision, be that the decision to keep, terminate or adopt then I don't believe the OP will make the right decision for herself.

The counselling will explore all options. It's then up to the op to decide which one is right for her. It's always apparent in these threads that certain responses are geared towards a particular outcome. We are not the ones having to deal with the reality of this situation and we should give the op a bit more credit. When you have a crisis pregnancy your options are all you can think about.

blacklilly

eviltwin wrote: »

The counselling will explore all options. It's then up to the op to decide which one is right for her. It's always apparent in these threads that certain responses are geared towards a particular outcome. We are not the ones having to deal with the reality of this situation and we should give the op a bit more credit. When you have a crisis pregnancy your options are all you can think about.

I'm not sure why you've decided to use my post as an example of a geared post etc

I merely suggested a third option and that option being adoption.

I wish the OP happiness with what every decision she decides.

catbear

All options are tough but talking them through with a professional councillor will help.

applejj

Hi guys thank u all for the replies. Just a quick update. I thought long and hard about it for the week and I decided to go through with it yesterday. I feel iv made the right decision and I ugre anybody going through a similar situation to take time out to proper think about it and talk to a counseller about it I really really helped me.

Apple

amdublin

I am glad you have come to a decision that you are peace with. Be kind to yourself over the coming weeks and months (and years).

Rubberchikken

hi op
thanks for updating.
i'm glad you reached a decision you're comfortable with. take care of yourself and best of luck.

December2012

I'm also happy for you that you've reached a decision after thought and consideration. Not an easy thing to do.

I wish you well in the future and I hope that you mind yourself with lots of tlc.