Dealing with envy

LegacyUser

In general I am not an envious person. If a good friend goes on a holiday or gets a promotion I'll often wish I were in his position, but my reaction isn't one of true envy—it's not an emotional response. Most people are like this. He or she will admire what another person has and move on without it affecting him or her to any significant degree.

When it comes to girlfriends, however, my reaction is entirely different. I always want what my current girlfriend has. If she goes on holiday, or gets a new phone, or goes out and eats a god damned kebab, I'm envious. I don't even care about phones or holidays, but somehow when it's her it's different. I become crippled with envy. I want what she has. All of my girlfriends have been wealthy; they've come from wealthy homes and have been afforded privileges I could only ever have dreamed of when younger: private schools, summers away, frequent holidays, never wanting for any desire. This cripples me. The same is true of some of my friends, but it doesn't bother me at all when it's a friend. When it's a girlfriend who does something or gets something I feel it in the pit of my stomach, I become self loathing, I pity myself, I envy her. I don't think it's jealousy: I don't want her to stop having these things, I just want them myself too. It's pathetic. I can feel it affecting my relationships in a subtle way. I begin to become colder, more cynical.

I've tried to combat this response rationally but I can't find its root. I know it's in me but I cannot find where it lies. What can I do? I'm in my mid 20s and I need to kill this envy. It jeopardises my relationships and results in deep unhappiness. I hate that I feel this way. It's a pathetic characteristic and I wish for nothing more than to be rid of it, to overcome it. Any advice welcome.

Saralee4

Perhaps it has something to do with intimacy and feeling vulnerable and that's why it mainly happens with your girlfriend.

1) Is it about her having something that you don't have and for some reason if she has it you feel that you deserve it more because you think you had a harder life?

or

2) Is it that its something that you don't have that is making her very happy in that moment and that makes you feel not good enough for her?

I think this has to do with your self esteem and you need to work on that. You need to stop comparing yourself and possessions to your girlfriend. Yes maybe they have had a wealthy family upbringing but most of the time there are other problems that they may have had to deal with.

I come from an area where everybody knows everyone and there were all different types of families some more privileged than others. Having known the vast majority of families personally, regardless of their financial state, they all had some kind of problem whether it was bullying at home, in school, a nagging interfering mother who put too much pressure, didn't get the things they wanted for Christmas because there was no money, got the things they wanted for Christmas but got bullied by the other kids who didn't etc. Everyone has their own struggles and if someone didn't then that's great but the majority of us do.

You need to learn not to compare yourself. You may have had it hard but if you continue on with how you are thinking then your just continuing your own suffering and creating a misery for your girlfriend.

Who cares if she has a phone that you don't have? Its just a phone. She's with you because she loves you. You should want her to have nice things as Im sure she wants for you. When your girlfriend is happy, you should be happy, but instead when your girlfriend is happy, you are trying to bring her down by giving her the cold treatment for what? because shes happy and excited about going on a holiday? Its just stuff.

Stop blaming your girlfriend for the things you didn't have growing up and learn to deal with your own insecurities by trying to improve your self esteem and trust for other people. Perhaps counselling would help.

Raminahobbin

Basically, in a nutshell, you need to see a counsellor.

If you're subconsciously seeking out women from wealthy backgrounds and then dwelling on this jealousy, it's probably because there's something in you that resents that you don't have that stuff.

We all have backgrounds and issues we need to work on, and until we sort them, we will keep attracting people to fill a need in us.

My ex could have written that post; He was seeking women with something he wanted to 'possess' like you, and only discovered his motivations once he explored them in therapy. He worked through them and to the best of my knowledge he's now in a healthy committed LTR, not being ruled by jealousy about what he 'didn't have.'

DeclanJWhite

Hi, greeneyes :-)

I think Raminahobbin's advice is sound.

I'm not sure what a thread could do but I imagine it would have to be quite involved, back-and-forth, to help any of the mist clear in this particular problem.

Some psychological difficulties lend themselves to clear advice. The solution to the problem, with those cases I think, is a long way down the road but the route is direct, progress is clear if one is resolved.

I think the nature of your difficulty is a complex knot that needs to be struck 'just so' and it will all unravel relatively quickly after that. I think your solution is not at the end of a long, straight road, but inches from you - inches, but there's a massive obstacle in the way of it which forces you to take a detour through a labyrinth, just so you can reach the point that is only a couple of inches away from you.

As far as being of use on this thread, you need to flesh out in detail one instance, give your thoughts, feelings, even if they seem unimportant to you. Then posters can see if any insights occur to them. If any of the replies speak to you, you can respond - that kind of back and forth, and you might come upon a glimpse of what your feelings are doing.

That's long and arduous, and even more so in writing. But I will certainly read very closely, to the best of my ability, anything you write, as I find it a very interesting problem you have. :-)