I need to face up to it

LegacyUser

I want to remain anon for this as it's a really deep dark secret I haven't told many people.

I'm in a relationship 4 years and while it's been mostly good and I love him with all my heart, I've just been dropped with a bombshell that my OH wants to go to a country outside of Europe for the summer to work. He's in college and has family in this country so it should be no biggie right?

Whilst that may not be a big deal to some, I'm seriously having major problems dealing with this news, he casually told me this as if he's going for a walk in the park and it really shocked me.

My reaction was way OTT and I knew that myself. My dear mam just died very suddenly in tragic circumstances 4 months ago so I cannot really cope with even little things at the moment. So when he told me this the other day, I almost fell apart. He immediately said he wouldn't go etc. but I was firm and told him I was just a bit shocked and would need a few days to digest everything.

Just to add, there's no chance of me going with him although he really wants me to. He wants me to come over an spend 2 weeks with him, he would pay etc etc.

My issue is, I have serious trust issues with him. He's never cheated on me, he sent a few dirty messages before to a girl when we were only 3 months together, but we got over that and it never happened again, he loves me to bits - I know this.

I came to a horrible realisation last night, that the issues are clearly with me even a fool could see that. I think I know why, it really is my fault for not dealing with it sooner but here goes...

When I was 20 I was going out with a guy for a few months and he viciously raped me one night. I've never dealt with it, I've only told one or 2 people and I think the fact that I seemed to brush it to the back of my mind, it rears it's ugly head in the form of severe trust issues with my now BF.

I never dealt with it because 2 weeks later my best friend was tragically killed, she was the only person I told and I just shut off my everyone, buried it deep in my mind and tried to get through the grief. Now it's 8 years later, and obviously I am not coping very well with life, been prescribed anti-depressants, going to a counsellor (havent told the counsellor either) and I really want to try and snap out of these trust issues I have.

I told my BF, I want him to go, obviously it will be hard for me but he will never get this chance again, and it may even do us good to have a bit of time to do our own thing. But there's still a part of me that's upset that right now, at this time in my life when I need him the most, he will be leaving for 3 months. I'm still trying to see the positive in that I need to be strong on my own anyway, I cant be depending on him all the time.

Just to add I have the best friends in the whole world. They have been there for me through every hard moment in my life - and good. So I will have them with me every step of the way.

I'm just really scared at the minute that I left this rape in the back of my mind and tried my best to bury the anger, hurt and shock, now I'm up **** creek. I should never have turned my back. I should have faced up to it. I never reported it, and never will. I've not seen my ex since (only once but I hid so he didnt see me) he terrifies me and I have had nightmares about it.

I told my BF last night, that I am really sorry for my bad reaction to this great news, he deserves to go and he really should. He knows what happened to me and I told him that I really think that's why I have a hard time trusting him, not just him, it's ALL men. My brothers, my work colleagues. I've really just labelled all men untrustworthy because of one incident in my life.

He is so patient with me and really does love me so. I need to help myself get better so I can stop with these ridiculous issues that are causing me a lot of unnecessary pain.

Help me, my head is all over the place. I have my counselling session next week and I'm going to tell her. Cant believe I bottled it in so long.

It was a very traumatic experience, I cant even say the words out loud what he did to me, and I cant even write it down. That's how much I forced myself to bury it. But unfortunately these things have a funny way of coming back to haunt you.

All advice welcome.

giggle84

My heart broke reading your post, you've had to deal with far more trauma in a few years than most people suffer in a lifetime. I am in no way qualified to advise you so all I can say is tell your counsellor, that's what they're there for. I'm sure it won't be easy to face up to now, and it wouldn't have been then either so don't blame yourself for burying it, it was your own way of protecting yourself and healing as best you could at the time. Maybe the fact that it's coming to the surface again now means that on some level you're stronger now and ready to deal with it.

Talk to your boyfriend, he sounds like a really good guy. The summer is a good while off yet and if he goes you should definitely plan a visit and you'll have that to look forward to.

You probably don't feel like it but to me you sound like a much stronger person than most, and you'll come out of this even stronger still.

P. Breathnach

Congratulations. In writing your post here, you have just taken a very important first step on the road to healing.

It will be a long and painful journey, and you will need courage and support. But you know better than anybody else how good the end of the journey will be: you will be able to live normally.

You need to keep moving forward, one step, and then another, and then another. It won't be a smooth road all the way, but don't lose heart. Don't expect miracle cures, either: they generally don't happen.

It's good that you have decided to tell your counsellor. She should be able to help you on your journey. If you want to say more here (if you can, without compromising your anonymity) that might also help.

Shrap

Sweetheart, you're on the road now to a better place. I was raped too when I was 22 or 23 (I'm so delighted right now because this is the first time that I can't remember exactly when...) and the fall out from it was years of self-abuse, self-blame and depression. Counselling is exactly the place to speak about it, and whatever you can tell your bf and friends about what you're going through. I'm glad you have good support.

I hope I don't upset you with this, but I've taken your post apart to show you how much self-blame you are doing and how down on yourself you are about the massive trauma you have tried so hard to live with alone. You are not to blame that you "couldn't bury it" and you're not to blame for not talking about it sooner. The rapist ex is to blame for all of it. It will take some time my dear, but I hope you will soon never again feel you have to apologise for your "ridiculous issues".

Cannotcope wrote: »

the issues are clearly with me even a fool could see that.

it really is my fault for not dealing with it sooner

tried my best to bury the anger, hurt and shock, now I'm up **** creek.

I should never have turned my back.

I should have faced up to it.

I am really sorry for my bad reaction

because of one incident in my life.

so I can stop with these ridiculous issues

Cant believe I bottled it in so long.

Take comfort, NONE of this is your fault. NONE. Chin up and start talking to your counsellor hon. I wish you all the very best xxx