Serious crush on straight friend?

BetterThanThou

I've come here for a bit of advice. I'm a gay male, and I've got a serious crush on my best friend. I'm pretty much 100% sure he's straight, he's been in a long term relationship with his girlfriend for a number of years, and if he was gay, I'm positive he'd tell me, as we don't keep any secrets from each other and tell each other everything. Truthfully, I've got such a crush on him that other men really don't interest me, only him, the way I feel I'd be happy to settle down and spend the rest of my life with him. Honestly, even if he was gay and was interested in me, I'm not sure if I'd want to do anything with him, as we're very close friends and I wouldn't want to risk that for anything. I'm just curious, does anyone have any advice to deal with this? I'd love to wake up tomorrow and not have these feelings anymore, but no matter how hard I try, they don't seem to disappear. Luckily, they're not too strong, I can be with him or text him and not even think about it most of the time, but sometimes the feelings will hit me really hard. I'm sure some people have been in this situation before, has anyone got any advice? I understand no matter how hard I try, he'll never feel the same, and I wouldn't want to try force him in any way, I'm just looking for some advice to get over the feelings.

floggg

BetterThanThou wrote: »

I've come here for a bit of advice. I'm a gay male, and I've got a serious crush on my best friend. I'm pretty much 100% sure he's straight, he's been in a long term relationship with his girlfriend for a number of years, and if he was gay, I'm positive he'd tell me, as we don't keep any secrets from each other and tell each other everything. Truthfully, I've got such a crush on him that other men really don't interest me, only him, the way I feel I'd be happy to settle down and spend the rest of my life with him. Honestly, even if he was gay and was interested in me, I'm not sure if I'd want to do anything with him, as we're very close friends and I wouldn't want to risk that for anything. I'm just curious, does anyone have any advice to deal with this? I'd love to wake up tomorrow and not have these feelings anymore, but no matter how hard I try, they don't seem to disappear. Luckily, they're not too strong, I can be with him or text him and not even think about it most of the time, but sometimes the feelings will hit me really hard. I'm sure some people have been in this situation before, has anyone got any advice? I understand no matter how hard I try, he'll never feel the same, and I wouldn't want to try force him in any way, I'm just looking for some advice to get over the feelings.

Are you out?

I ask because most times people post about falling for their friends, they either aren't out or only partially.

Since it's harder for closeted guys to find relationships, or even see themselves in one, they latch on to the straight or unavailable friends and convince themselves what they feel towards them is something special.

When they come out, they tend to see the whole world of possibilities out there for them, and begin to see that they were confusing friendship and comfort for something more.

BetterThanThou

floggg wrote: »

Are you out?

I ask because most times people post about falling for their friends, they either aren't out or only partially.

Since it's harder for closeted guys to find relationships, or even see themselves in one, they latch on to the straight or unavailable friends and convince themselves what they feel towards them is something special.

When they come out, they tend to see the whole world of possibilities out there for them, and begin to see that they were confusing friendship and comfort for something more.

I'm totally out, all of my friends and family know I'm gay. I've talked to numerous other gay guys to see where it goes, a few of them have given strong signs that they liked me, but I simply didn't feel any type of emotional or physical attraction to them, even though I'm 100% sure I'm gay and have been for years, so I don't personally think that's a problem.

floggg

BetterThanThou wrote: »

I'm totally out, all of my friends and family know I'm gay. I've talked to numerous other gay guys to see where it goes, a few of them have given strong signs that they liked me, but I simply didn't feel any type of emotional or physical attraction to them, even though I'm 100% sure I'm gay and have been for years, so I don't personally think that's a problem.

So have you had a relationship ever? Gone on dates etc?

I havent ever been in that position myself, so I'm not sure what advice I could give.

I do know that more often than not nothing comes of these crushes, and trying to do anything about it could only make things awkward between you.

Maybe keep a little distance for a while, and put yourself out there a bit and go on a few dates with guys who are actually available.

Rick_

I think a good portion of gay people, have had crushes on their straight friends but know that nothing will ever come of it or don't want anything to happen for fear of ruining what they have. It's tough, I've been there myself. I was infatuated with my best friend and would have given anything for it to happen with him. I pictured myself and him, as we get on so well, being a happy couple together and living happy ever after. But in the end that is just a dream, a crush and it can end as quickly as it it began. You just have to keep reminding yourself that it's a feeling, likely associated with the fact that you aren't with anyone at the moment and want to put your love and attention on to someone and are using him as an outlet.

The feelings will subside, just try and not think of him in that way. It will do more harm than good if you behave differently around him because of these feelings. You will get through it. If you are looking for a relationship, put your efforts into meeting other guys for dates and don't feel disheartened after meeting a few and not having any success. Also, do you think you aren't having success with others because you are comparing everyone to your friend? That's something you need to train yourself out of too. There are lots of guys out there, and remember - you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you get your prince!

Ten of Swords

There is no quick fix for this op but I'm sure nearly everyone on this forum can relate to your story, we've all had crushes on straight friends. It's not going to happen, you KNOW it's not going to happen and yet you still wish for it. Even if there was the slight chance your friend is bi/curious you also need to respect the fact that he is in a long term relationship anyway. He knows you're gay and is fine with it but that's as far as you will get I'm afraid, telling him how you feel will offer little benefit but much pain and confusion for both of you.

You seem a little inexperienced in this area and I think you mentioned in another post that you find it difficult to meet other gay people but the best solution for this problem is simply to find someone else. There are plenty of ways to meet people if you're willing to put some effort into it whether you'e looking for something casual or more long term.

This guy will probably always be your best friend but you won't feel like this anymore if you explore your sexuality in your own time and find someone to connect with and where this is reciprocated.

Rickamania1

Its a tough feeling to have. You have to stop thinking of him in that way. One only suffers with these unwanted feelings. Plough onwards for a better future, one where you're happy.

irish_dave_83

This can happen quite a lot. Its because you are best mates, you have teh same interests, laugh at the same things, you both care about each others welfare etc.

Its not just a gay thing, it has happened to me with one of my best friends who is a girl. You just have to weigh up whats more important, your friendship or releasing your feelings to him(which lets be honest, will most likely turn out as rejection).

Eventually these feeling will fade, and you will get back to the absolute comfort zone that is friendship.

jobbridge4life

Distance and alternatives. These are the keys to getting out of this awkward situation. Put some space between yourself and your friend. It doesn't have to be a lot and you don't need to alienate him but just try and temporarily reduce your exposure to him. Then in order to break the crush you are going to have find yourself some alternative recipients for your affections. I know you have said that you don’t feel the same for other lads but in my experience when we fixate on one individual other equally deserving and more suitable candidates pass us by without getting our attention. This is actually a matter of choice though it doesn’t feel like it. You will probably have to force yourself to certain degree to notice others again. You will get to that point though and then suddenly the world will open up with piles of opportunities and you will wonder how you ever got so attached to your friend that you couldn't see it.
At the end of the day you already know that it can’t go anywhere. So you know you have to deal with it. You should deal with it now and decisively because leaving it to linger will only put more pressure on your friendship.

BetterThanThou

Thank you for the replies, anyway, I've got some good news. We were out drinking during the weekend, and I drunkenly decided to tell him I had a crush on him, sounds bad, right?, but he had absolutely no problem with that, he said he totally understood. I saw him the day after while we were sober and talked to him about it, and he still said he understood and had no problem with it. I genuinely believe him and nothing between us has seemed to change, and I've known him for a long time, I always knew he'd have no problem with it. And anyway, the good news, now that I've gotten that off my chest, it seems any feelings I had for him have disappeared, I no longer find him attractive nor want to be with him, the only feelings that remain are the friendly love, which I know I'd have even if I was straight. Didn't feel there was any way this could end well, I always felt I'd either distance myself from him because I couldn't handle it, or he'd distance himself from me because he felt uncomfortable. Gotta admit, that was the best drunken "mistake" I've ever made!

Ten of Swords

Glad to hear it has worked out for you

myfreespirit

Lovely life-affirming outcome there 'Betterthanthou'.
Hold onto him as a friend - good friends are worth more than anything