social media

susan47

I am currently in a relationship for the past two years. As a couple, we get on very well and are very compatible. my problem is that about 3 yes before we met, he went out with another girl for a while. Apparently she broke his heart to the point of him contimplating suicide. his friends stepped in and supported him through it. He went through a long period of drinking too much and self destructing. i am the first girl he let in since then. He has said that he was in a bad place at that time which made it harder for him to deal with the break up. he is still friends with her on facebook and she has moved on and married someone else however he is always looking at her page and her photographs. he has the settings on his phone to show notifications of when she puts up a pictures or comment. i have not said anything to him and we have never even spoke about the fact that they are friends on fb. it is starting to play on my mind as we are talking about moving in and i really dont want to be 2nd best. we are both 40th so we are not kuds and i have had a broken marriage already. Any advice?

DeclanJWhite

hi :-)

I think if he's in a healthy place in his mind regarding his former attachment, if he is moved on from it, he'll be able to speak to you about it, it can be a covered topic between you.

Even if he speaks to your satisfaction about it, he also has to be able to explain why he's preoccupied with her through social media, if that's what it is, a preoccupation.

I think, if he's able to talk about it and if you're happy in every other way, and he's happy generally, then maybe the facebook preoccupation is just a residue of what was a major event in his life, knowing this person.

You just have to try to assess, through conversation and the general well being of all aspects of the relationship, whether you feel he's moved on from this person within himself, separately to you, and that you are in no way a substitute. That should be able to be found out before moving in together, I think. But here I am talking like an expert and I'm only guessing left, right, and centre, but there's my guesswork nonetheless!

retro:electro

Ah, I wouldn't want my bf having his settings on his phone specifically set to get updates on his ex! That's a huge tell tale sign that he hasn't moved on and may not be fully over her yet. You may want to have a word with him there..

bjork

It doesn't seem like he's over her and fully in the relationship with you. TBH I would of dumped him long ago if he has his phone set up to alert when his ex girlfriend posts pictures - that's creepy in more ways that one and at 40 years old? His ex didn't dump him for being obsessive by any chance?


anyway I would reconsider moving in just yet..

Rubberchikken

tell him honestly how you feel.
you're both mature adults so he should realise where you're coming from.

it's not healthy to keep up with an ex's life imo and it's starting to hurt you so if he truly loves you he will see your point of view.

i realise the woman meant a lot to him and the breakup was awful for him but it's 5 + years ago. if he felt that some counselling might help maybe he could have a chat with his gp.

best of luck

susan47

i probably need to have that chat. In every other way he shows he is committed to me fully and a part of me feels very uncomfortable talking about it. the longer i leave it though, the bigger its getting in my head. As i said i have no doubt that she is not interested in him. it doesnt help that she is gorgeous! !!! my issue i know. is it too much to expect him to delete her as a friend?

susan47

i must mention that he was only with her for a few months

Leo12

susan47 wrote: »

i must mention that he was only with her for a few months

Hi, to be honest this sounds extremely worrying...he was only with her for a few months and now 5 years later he still stalks her on Facebook? Further to what another poster said did they break up because he was obsessed and possibly too full on with her? I know break ups are one of the hardest things to deal with and good your boyfriend's friends helped him through it. But it strikes me that he hasn't got over her at all, I'm sorry to say. Seeing as you are thinking of moving in with him and so it's obviously serious between you two, could you approach his ex and find out what happened between them? I know some people will think that's a terrible thing to do and she might have her own agenda but his behaviour is major worrying and forewarned is forearmed! Best of luck

Leo12

And just to add I had an ex who stalked me years later even when I married and had a child with my husband... This ex found out where I living in London and would sit in a very busy part of it looking out to see if he could spot me! I have moved since and even now he doesn't know where I live because I know sure as day he would try and contact me.... Even though it was my ex's fault we spilt up ( he got another girl pregnant while with me) it was a total mess and like I said he still doesn't know where I live even though I finished with him 20 years ago.

Penny Tration

I'd be very upset with his behaviour.

I'm friends with two exes on Facebook, and my boyfriend knows this. One of them 'broke my geart' so to speak.

However, while we chat occasionally and are both in great relationships with other people, I'd NEVER set Facebook to notify me when he's posted something! That's simply creepy.

He sounds very hung up on her.

The stalking of her fb may just be pure nosiness. I think all of us have had an aul snoop on an ex'spage! However, considering how ffrequently he's doing it, to the point where he's getting notifications, you need to discuss it with him. It's highly unfair to you.

susan47

actually putting this down in writing is making realise how wrong and worrying his behaviour is. im questioning myself also as to why i have not addressed it sooner. I suppose I didnt want to believe it. He never mentions her which makes it difficult to address. i think i will be sitting down tonight to deal with this once and for all. thanks for the advice. it really helps. Ive been keeping this in for a long time

DeclanJWhite

But why be uncomfortable with the idea of having that chat? Are you afraid to be asked to be put first in comparison to his past life, unsure of what his answer might be? If that's the case, your confidence in the relationship needs bolstering from your partner on this point...

There is no comparison: you are his present happiness; his past life is over. You are alive, here and now; you're not to be worrying over fighting with ghosts. What's a ghost compared to you?

Asking him to delete the facebook contact is unimportant. That would be a meaningless concession and a lot easier than getting him to talk about his past and start putting you first before a preoccupation with a former relationship, I think. :-)

I know it might be hard op but it really sounds wrong and creepy. Even if they'd been together 10 years and married and had kids together i still wouldn't expect phone notifications of her posting on fb!!! And it was only a few months!
Having a talk is the right thing to do and good luck and stick to your guns

susan47

i suppose i have an issue with comung across as needy. he would be shocked if i ask him as im sure he has no idea that this would be on my mind. im not very good at showing a vulnerability which is not a good thing. I know in my heart that this could be a deal breaker and because it is the cyber world, it doesnt always feel real. i will sit down and chat though. thank you

Big Bag of Chips

Does he get notifications for anyone else? I know I was getting notifications for a while on one particular friend whenever she posted anything. I couldn't figure out why, but then I found something somewhere ticked.

Now, it does seem like your bf has this specifically set up for her as he then goes and checks the page.. But has he got it for anyone else too? If he has it might be more difficult to say you don't want him getting her updates, but you're ok with others. But you are definitely entitled to tell him you feel a bit insecure about it. And don't be afraid to tell him you don't want to be his second best. It may give him a wake up call to what he risks losing, or, he may decide that she will always be No1 but at least you will know.

Hanging back wondering and worrying is not a good place to be. Once it's said out loud it can be addressed... One way or another.

DeclanJWhite

You have needs, we all do, so we're all needy or needful or whatever.

I think your concern is healthy, you come across as rationally concerned about your partner's behaviour, which, as you describe it here, is very fair to wonder about. That's a very normal, natural amount of human neediness/needfulness you're showing. Ach, it's an unpopular word, no attractive way to use it, but that shouldn't be the case! Anyhow...

There's nothing wrong with showing vulnerability. You're showing a human vulnerability, not a raging one. Like I say, you're very composed and reasonably concerned, with how you express yourself. That should be flattering to him, not a cause of shock. It shows a nice characteristic in you, something to be proud of.

If he sees you're calmly, confidently concerned, he'll quickly get over the shock and he won't be evasive; he'll respectfully deal with what you've raised head-on and candidly. Just be confident about the reasonableness of your need. You've nothing to apologize for on this.

Never mind the cyber world not being real. His preoccupation is in the real world, in his head, that's real. If you were doing what he's doing, you'd be doing real things, wouldn't you?

susan47

yes he does have notifications set up for a few people. he is quiet techno so changing his settings woud be easy for him to do. ive aknot in my stomach thinking about bringing it up but i will now

susan47

thank you for your kind words

DeclanJWhite

Pleasure, my lady :-) they are at least as true as they may be kind.

That stomach knot is normal and unavoidable, you don't need me to tell you I'm sure. Just don't let that knot make you panic when you see his initial shock. Why? Because your behaviour is a sensible, respectful, loving enquiry. You are entitled to that and on solid ground.

As long as you stay within the boundaries of that solid ground, your partner's shock is his own difficulty to deal with, not yours, and he'll have to overcome it and still address the person standing in front of him, and your calm, respectful request on an important issue. As long as you maintain that equilibrium, any other appearance of nervousness on your part won't matter and will probably inspire respect.

That's been the unexepected result for me when I have stood my ground very nervously but remained calm, as I am not confident in personal conflict at all.

susan47

thank you again. deep breatha. i think its going to be a long night. its good to know that i dont come across as crazy and that my feelings are valid☺

DeclanJWhite

:-) the very best of luck. You will be happier afterwards, whatever the outcome, happier than you are now. That's what I think anyway!

Penny Tration

Susan, if your posts here are anything to go by, you are FAR from needy. You come across like an intelligent, level headed lady, not the needy, clingy person you're afraid of looking like.

You worrying about this situation is completely normal. I'd be fairly level headed but I would definitely be very worried if my boyfriend carried on like that!

He has fb set to notify him when i, his brothers or his best mates post. I have it set to notify me if he or my closest friends post. That's fairly normal. Having it set to notify him that an ex who he doesn't seem to even talk to posts? Downright creepy, to be blunt.

You are in the right for worrying and your feelings are justified.

power pants

I find with all my fb friends I have, the settings are automatic with regards to notifications. You need to manually switch the notification off for people you don't want to follow.

Maybe he never bothered unfollowing her as he wasn't bothered enough to do so and just curious?


then again, when you mention suicide and binge drinking, does sound very full on behavior on his behalf

Definitely have a chat with him

Penny Tration

power pants wrote: »

I find with all my fb friends I have, the settings are automatic with regards to notifications. You need to manually switch the notification off for people you don't want to follow.

Maybe he never bothered unfollowing her as he wasn't bothered enough to do so and just curious?



then again, when you mention suicide and binge drinking, does sound very full on behavior on his behalf

Definitely have a chat with him

My Facebook never does that, nor does my bf's. To get notifications each time a person posts, you have to add them manually to your 'close friends' group, or they add you to theirs.

power pants

Actually, I think you are right and im mistaken.

I seem to have been referring to posts coming up on my wall and not to a notification icon to show someone has posted something.


My mistake, yeah definitely creepy

cactusgal

+1 to the above. You have to go through and select who you want to have on your notifications list, it's not automatic. At all. I have mine set so that I can see my boyfriend, close friends, and brother whenever they update. No way in he'll would I accept this nonsense of having an ex on notify.

Trust your gut, op. Ignore the "devil's advocate" rubbish.

cactusgal

power pants wrote: »

Actually, I think you are right and im mistaken.

I seem to have been referring to posts coming up on my wall and not to a notification icon to show someone has posted something.


My mistake, yeah definitely creepy

Apologies, our posts crossed!

susan47

thank you for the reassurance. you are very kind. all i can do is give h8m the chance to explain and if my gut is sending me warning signs, ill have to rethink the relationship. its a shame as we got on exceptionally well. but i couldnt exept 2nd best.