Husband problems

LegacyUser

So I decided to post because I can't really talk to anyone about this.
My husband moved to Ireland in 2009 because I was here.
Since then we have gone through 2 really rough patches where cheating on both sides was involved (before we got married but we were together).

He left home where he had a solid career but we were apart so he moved here.
He couldn't find a job for a year because of the recession but found some part-time job where he stayed until 2013. Now he didn't like this job as it gave us no security and didn't pay much but paid the bills. Then his boss moved and his position extinct, he still couldn't find a job in his previous chosen career.

He found another job just after the other one, he hates this jobs and this particular company he is now depressed as a result and he (I think takes it out on me). He constantly complains about this job and is threatening to quit constantly. He sees our life as horrible and sees no future in anything anymore, just today he was telling me if he had a gun he would shoot himself.

I work in a precarious position and we (myself and our dog) are dependent on his wages to have a roof over our heads and to pay all the bills (which are quite a lot).
My contract just got renewed for another 6 months but I am also unable to find a position where I can say go ahead quit your job and we will deal with it.

As a results we have not been able to save any money and if he was to quit his job we wouldn't be able to pay our bills in a month's time.
I don't know what to do I try to get him to cheer up, after all it's a job he is there 8 hours a day and he can come home and forget about it.

I work in science and work long hours for little money and I have to deal with crazy egos all the time hence I do not like my job either but I feel that we need the money so I do my best to put a positive spin on things.

I don't know what to do anymore my life is in constant upheaval and uncertainty at the same time I have nowhere else to go. I worry about him, I worry about me and am worried about everything all the time.

He doesn't like me talking to my family about these things so I feel I have no one to talk to and I resolve all my everything by talking. He on the other hand feels that he should be able to talk to me about these things freely and that I don't listen.

Can anyone give me some advise/perspective?

R.D. aka MR.D

Ijustdon't know wrote: »

I don't know what to do I try to get him to cheer up, after all it's a job he is there 8 hours a day and he can come home and forget about it.

I really hope this is a typo. Having a job you hate is hell. You just can't 'come home and forget about it.'

Your post comes across as a little selfish and it sounds like you haven't much sympathy for your husbands position. You sound like you both aren't happy in the situation.

Have you consider what you can do to change things? Move somewhere else? Go your separate ways?

I think you need to sit down together and make a decision.

LegacyUser

R.D. aka MR.D wrote: »

I really hope this is a typo. Having a job you hate is hell. You just can't 'come home and forget about it.'

Your post comes across as a little selfish and it sounds like you haven't much sympathy for your husbands position. You sound like you both aren't happy in the situation.

Have you consider what you can do to change things? Move somewhere else? Go your separate ways?

I think you need to sit down together and make a decision.

I know I am being selfish and i know it isn't easy to have a job you hate but I like having a roof over our heads.
I would like to move somwhere else with him but he doesn't have a plan at all he wants to sell all our stuff and go home where we don't have bills to pay so we can make a plan to go somwhere else. I am scared of this, we go from havong 2 incomes to none and being over 30 I am not in a position to be asking my parents to sulport me anymore.

R.D. aka MR.D

What about going your separate ways? I know sometimes it seems unthinkable but if you can't compromise then what is the future going to be like? Miserable for 40 years? Tons of resentment?

LegacyUser

Yes, this seems like the most obvious solution.
It would help if I didn't love him so much but such is life I guess.
I have fought for a very long time and so has he but I am tired and I don't have the strength any more.
I am completely heartbroken and lost!

DeclanJWhite

hi, Ijustdon'tknow :-)

I think if your home can become a bit happier to each of you, work will be more manageable.

In saying that, I thought it sounded like you wanted to go when you said, if you could pay the bills yourself, you would tell him to go if he wants...that sounded like only money was keeping you together.

I'm sure your wonderful dog there is a consolation to you both, they are remarkable beings.

If your husband is threatening to commit suicide, what can one do except offer to listen to all his feelings. If that doesn't help, recommend he speak to an egghead professional :-P they seem to have their uses, though I know that's another bill (and these people know how to charge for lending their ear), not to mention it's very hard to find a sensible one. That's another profession full of crazy egos.

But when you've done your best to be there for him when he speaks about endangering his own life, you must calmly tell him you are sorry he feels that way, but his life is ultimately in his hands, you are not responsible for it in that sense, that would be too much of a burden for anyone to take, and you are not to be spoken to like that. Requesting not to be spoken to in that way is not preventing him sharing his feelings about himself with you.

Such easy advice for an impossible situation.

Perhaps you've to like each other more? You mention two rough patches of mutual cheating. If things are coming to a head and the clouds above you are rumbling, then discussing all personal issues openly and calmly, like the cheating, might clear the air. The bills and career problems may be the clouds, but resolving the personal problems, like the feelings left over from cheating, is the sunshine to break through the cloud. Then the clouds will be more harmless, fluffy white heaps of discontent, much more manageable, because you have each other again. One would hope it works like that.

I think if you try to discuss his problems more and share your own and both discuss your past - if you try to be there for each other more calmly, yet without feeling responsible for each other so much, to feel less responsible for each other's happiness - perhaps that's a way of going about it? : being more there while feeling less responsible. Because the fact is, you're not responsible for his unhappiness.

But what you may make clear to him, in no uncertain terms, but with genuine inner calm, otherwise it's pointless - is that you are not to be spoken to in that way regarding suicide. He can speak about his suicidal feelings, you are there to listen, but not in that manner. And if you've no-one to talk to, discreetly confiding in a person or people close to you is acceptable. And that's acceptable to do, it seems, I suppose depending on the relationship, even when you DO have him to talk to.

Ah, this is probably useless!

Postscript: hi again Ijustdon't know...I was thinking...

You sound very hurt by the cheating where you say a few paragraphs later that you would tell him he can go if he wants, if you were in a position to afford to be able to say that. It sounds like, if only you were independent financially, you could also vengefully declare to him that you are also independent of him with your affections, too. Is that how you really feel, or are those naturally hurt feelings still open to be healed by this man's hands again, if he regains a lover's touch?

Starokan

He is not going to be able to forget about it at the end of the day, working somewhere you hate would be awful for anyone. Having said that I think your husband needs to cop himself on a bit, I get he hates the job , so does half the country, what he needs to do is do something about it. Nothing worse than dealing with someone in bad form every evening. Stop complaining and take action would be my message to him.

There is no point in him leaving it immediately as lack of finance will increase the pressure ten fold. Therefore the solution is to plan to get away from it either by re training in something else by night, or finding another job or making a decision to move to where he can obtain work he enjoys.

I would guess the move would be the most likely perhaps to his home where you say he had a solid career. Would you go with him?

LegacyUser

Maybe I missed it but why exactly are you staying in Ireland? If he had a career where he was and you don't seem that invested in your job here why are you staying here?

LegacyUser

Thank you for all the replies.
When I say if I could pay all the bills he could go I mean he could quit and search for something better.
He won't even go to the doctor, I have asked him to go as the anxiety isn't helping but he sees it that his work situation needs to be resolved first and then he can see the doctor. I disagreed and he takes that as me not listening to him.
We've been talking about retaining for many years but there is always an excuse for him not to do it. Now it is money and lack of time.
We've stitched a plan to stay for a few more months and if nothing happens then we will sell most of our stuff and he move away I with a little money to come up with a thought out plan.
I will stay and finish my contract and then join him. I will have to figure out what to do with accommodation and whatnot.
I really hope it does not come to that but I must be prepared if it does and then I will re evaluate the situation!
My god life is hard and stupid sometimes! I wish I was just happy go lucky again but those days are less and less

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the replies!
When I said he could go I meant he could go ahead and quit his job if I could support all the bills by myself.
I tried to tel him to go see a doctor because the anxiety he is under isn't doing anyone any good but he whats to resolve the work situation before he sees a doctor about this, I disagree and he turns this into I never listen and am incapable of putting myself in his position.
Again we have been talking about him getting a degree while he works but there is always an excuse before it was lack of tie then lack of money now lack of time money and motivation.
We sat down and talked and we have a short term plan to see if we can make ireland work.

LegacyUser

can't log in wrote: »

Maybe I missed it but why exactly are you staying in Ireland? If he had a career where he was and you don't seem that invested in your job here why are you staying here?

I had no career prospects at all back home and we decided to move, first me then him and back in 08 Ireland looked like a sure thing. Now everything has changed and, unfortunately, there is nothing at all back home for either of us.

DeclanJWhite

If you find a way to get along with each other, despite the job and money problems, I think you'll find that happy go lucky feeling again. That's how I hope life works anyway.