I feel like a failure

Green Giant

In the space of a few hours yesterday, I was let go from a part-time job that I absolutely loved and rejected for a full-time job for which I had an interview that I believe went well.

In the intervening few hours between those two body blows, I made an arse job of cooking dinner for me and my housemate. I dropped ashes from the fireplace all over the carpet. I think I may have banjaxed the vacuum cleaner when trying to clear that mess up.

This might merely seem like a bad day, and it probably just was, but it's also indicative of my life in general. I'm 26, I've no job and I've never been in a relationship. I have no problems with speaking to people of the opposite gender (I'm not homosexual but I'm accepting of others' orientations), but I'm not the sort who will get rat-arsed drunk in a nightclub and start making $hite talk to women. My mates all seem well capable of doing that and getting the shift etc, but it's beyond me and it kills me inside.

I also come from a well-to-do family. My parents and brother have been in full-time employment ever since leaving full-time education, whereas I've plodded like a tool from job to course to JobBridge to part-time work to yesterday's development where I'm not worth jack to an employer. All the time I see people much younger than me securing permanent employment and deservedly so, as I can see that they're very good at what they do.

I feel as if pretty much everything I've tried, I've been a failure at it. I played soccer and GAA and sucked at both. I had an OK Leaving Cert and scraped my way to a college degree. I can play guitar to a basic degree but I'm nowhere near good enough to even perform a gig locally. I have no grasp of any trades such as mechanics, carpentry, plastering, etc. Anything I feel I am good at is trivial and won't be of any use in getting me reimbursed for doing it.

I know I should be more self-confident and stop comparing myself to others, but that's much easier said than done. If anything, I felt like I needed to vent and this seemed like the safest place to do so. If you had the patience to read this far, thanks and sorry if I wasted your time.

Shrap

Yes, it's particularly hard to feel self confident and not compare yourself when your family are high achievers at an early age. Me too. However, I have a creative skill that nobody else in my family can equal, or even come near, but it makes me no money at all. What are the things you're good at that are so "trivial"? (You seem like a good writer, btw)

So you had a sh1t day. You killed the hoover and mangled the dinner. If I could tell you about the number of rubbish meals I've served up to my kids and the number of electrical appliances/motors I've destroyed, you'd be here reading for a long time. If any of those things happen when I'm feeling down, they bring me down further, but they're incidental. I'm 43. It's to be expected that I am not always a domestic goddess. You're 26. You're only starting down the road of destruction, leaving a scatter of peripheral consumerist items in pieces behind you!

On your friend's "achievements" with women - you said yourself that's not you and not something you're interested in doing, so you can stop beating yourself up about any perceived failures there. Relationships will come your way, and you sound great, so when you broaden your horizons you'll meet women in a way that works for you.

Broadening your horizons would be good for you though. You're living in the shade of your expectations as to what is a relevant way to spend your time. So your family are employed and you are not. So what? You clearly want to be - you want to learn a skill you can be proud of yourself about. You mention all the trades you can't do - of course you can't if you never trained at them! That's like me beating myself up for not being able to drive a digger when I've never had a lesson! At 26, you're in a fine place to start learning something you have an urge to know, even if it's not a direct route to employment. What do you like doing best? What skill do you admire the most? You can start again. Nobody should feel like a failure for not taking a direct route to success.

Hope you feel better soon OP.

whiskeyman

Green Giant wrote: »

from a part-time job that I absolutely loved .

What did you do?
Could you look at getting a job in a similar area / company, or pursuing this field as a career?
It's good that you mentioned something of a passion in your post.

Green Giant wrote: »

I played soccer and GAA and sucked at both. I had an OK Leaving Cert and scraped my way to a college degree. I can play guitar to a basic degree but I'm nowhere near good enough to even perform a gig locally. .

But do you enjoy the sports / guitar? That's all you need! If you have a passion for it and enjoy it, don't stop it! I'm at a level in a sport that I'm ok at, but I'm easily beatable... but I still love it!

Overall, your confidence is well down, and the recent knock hasn't helped.
Focus on getting back into employment, as this will help.
Funnel your energy on a passion for things you enjoy doing.

Best of luck OP.

ABajaninCork

I get where you're coming from, OP. I'm kind of in the same boat myself.

You cannot underestimate the sense of well-being when you're employed at a job you know you're good at and it goes south for whatever reason. After a while, your confidence takes a beating and you begin to doubt yourself. I've had loads of days where nothing's gone right for whatever reason. That's life - **** happens.

But you should never compare yourself to others. Nothing is ever as it seems. I've come across people that are good at giving it large, but when you look closely, there's no substance to them. They're all p1ss and wind, but they can get through because of the facade they put up.

I knit. Not very well, but I can. I've even made stuff for people. But I no longer care whether people like my knitting or not. It makes ME happy and keeps me occupied!

I agree with Shrap. Sit down and figure out what you want to do. What about further training in the role that you loved? Maybe there's another field you'd be interested in finding out more about?

Hope this helps!

Green Giant

Firstly, thanks to all of you for taking the time to post responses which have certainly been helpful and encouraging.

Shrap wrote: »

What are the things you're good at that are so "trivial"? (You seem like a good writer, btw)

Relationships will come your way, and you sound great, so when you broaden your horizons you'll meet women in a way that works for you.

I do like writing, so thanks for noticing! I take part in a show in my locality every year and I absolutely love it, although that's more down to how well I get on with the people in it rather than any great theatrical talent on my part.

Those three words I've highlighted in bold were really nice, so thank you! I am the type who would rather hold out until I meet the right woman for me instead of 'getting langers and getting the shift and bringing her back home', something I get mocked about for not being interested/able to do.

whiskeyman wrote: »

What did you do?
Could you look at getting a job in a similar area / company, or pursuing this field as a career?
It's good that you mentioned something of a passion in your post.

But do you enjoy the sports / guitar? That's all you need! If you have a passion for it and enjoy it, don't stop it!

I worked in media, where I've been applying for jobs but unfortunately nobody has been willing to take a punt on me yet.

I hated the sports as I'm not the most competitive person in the world, but I enjoy the guitar as it's something I can do to my own level of expectation.

Rubberchikken

Agree with others, find out what you're great at and stick with it.
You like writing, what about a blog?

Let yesterday go- we all have days like that.

Good luck:)

Robsweezie

OP, don't feel like a failure. as you said you have jumped from A to in a course to a part time job etc. and in that time you never sat idly by on your hole. you tried hard to better yourself by doing this and that. that's all anyone could ask of you. you aren't a waster by a long shot. its not a failure if we learn from it, often its a series of steps toward success. so what have you learned form these 'failures'? what have they taught you about the person you are? because from what I can see you are someone with a strong work ethic who had jumped at every opportunity given to them. its all to easy to succumb to negative thoughts especially when unemployed, you are not alone in that regard. there also seems to be an element of self -loathing and deprecation, you even apologised at the end of post on the assumption of wasting peoples time. you do not seem to think highly of yourself. make of that what you will.

compare and despair. We are all at different stages in our lives and have different things going on. there is no pre-ordained path to follow. Its taken you longer to find your feet but not for want of trying. don't give in to peer pressure or expectation to fit in with your ****e talking mates. best of luck.

Shrap

Green Giant wrote: »

Those three words I've highlighted in bold were really nice, so thank you! I am the type who would rather hold out until I meet the right woman for me instead of 'getting langers and getting the shift and bringing her back home', something I get mocked about for not being interested/able to do.

Rural Clare?! I live there too, and can safely say that the nights out are like a cattle market. You need more friends who can't be bothered with that scene mate - there's always going to be one-upmanship among a small group in a small community. I, for one, commend you on your ambition to want more than picking up a random woman who was similarly desperate for a connection and made a snap decision at the end of the night. Nothing wrong with that either, but it's not a recommended way to find a worthwhile relationship.

I worked in media, where I've been applying for jobs but unfortunately nobody has been willing to take a punt on me yet.

Media seems particularly hard to get into, and there are few jobs in this country as you know. My bro actually got a sound editing job in Ardmore years ago, just before the bust, became unemployed and ended up nowhere near the industry (but still using his skill-set). You have a skill and an interest in writing, so no harm to send along some set-piece examples to even the Clare Champion (I'd recommend Carol Byrne as a decent sort to email) or Clare People. Mind you, I've written stuff for those papers that have been used without acknowledgement, but that's the way it goes till you're on a payroll;)

Media is a definite boll*x. It's a high pressure, personality driven medium for exactly what we all do here on boards....project our opinions. In media of course you have to sell yourself out before you get to give your own slant, so if your own opinions are very important to you, I'd suggest finding an outlet. You probably have good skills that you could bring to a cause near you now!

My next advice is put yourself out there more. You can't lose anything from doing that, and you could make friends and influence people.

Also, keep up the acting! In my small town, it's one of the few things that isn't GAA or church/school related, and it's great gas seeing all the local extroverts on stage. Nobody else would do it

Green Giant

Again, thanks to all of you for the responses!

Rubberchikken wrote: »

You like writing, what about a blog?

I have one, although I won't post a link here as I wish to preserve my anonymity!

Robsweezie wrote: »

so what have you learned form these 'failures'? what have they taught you about the person you are?

there also seems to be an element of self -loathing and deprecation, you even apologised at the end of post on the assumption of wasting peoples time. you do not seem to think highly of yourself.

I'm happy with myself for being persistent despite multiple rejections, although I worry that I keep slipping into the same traps that constantly prevent me from getting full-time work.

As for the self-deprecation, guilty as charged.

Shrap wrote: »

You need more friends who can't be bothered with that scene mate - there's always going to be one-upmanship among a small group in a small community.

Also, keep up the acting! In my small town, it's one of the few things that isn't GAA or church/school related, and it's great gas seeing all the local extroverts on stage. Nobody else would do it

Maybe I've been a bit harsh on my mates in the last couple of posts. After all, they're great lads and I do have the craic with them, I just don't tie into that particular aspect of their socialising. Also, I'm fortunate that I have more than one circle of friends. Aside from the 4-5 with whom I mingle most regularly, I have another group of 5-6 with whom I have a different, albeit equally pleasing, type of enjoyment.

And I love the acting! I won't be giving that up easily!

DeclanJWhite

Green Giant, it sounds like you've got your 'ho ho ho' back! ;-) Two sets of friends? You sound very likeable indeed. And the dissatisfaction you've aired with yourself on here, the responses show people relate to your problems, so more people feel the same about their own selves and experiences than you may have realized in the midst of your bad day, so many people are in the same boat. In fact, I would say, that boat is packed to sinking point, so full and over-loaded is it with people, but I'm sure we'll all go down singing if the water starts spilling over the boat's edge! :-D

jimd2

Hi OP, I think that you should start trying to look at the glass half full instead of half empty. Tuesday was a bummer for you but you can rest assured that we all have had days like that.
Also, you do have a very good social life. Way better than many people. I didnt go around on the shift when I was younger but would have dated a few girls, not that many, before meeting my wife. Your social life is as good if not better than most.

I wouldnt leave the first group but maybe tip the balance away from them towards the other group. I think you will meet someone as you are "out there" at various events so to speak.

Regarding the sports, dont worry about whether you were good or bad as a kid, that's water under the bridge now. What is important is if you could identify a sport or recreation that you like and start participating regularly, e.g. walking/hiking, cycl;ing, running, gym etc. That in itself will open up new friends etc.

Regarding work, try and decide what type of job you see yourself doing long term, whether there are much prospects and see if you can do additional training. There are a huge amount of very good courses out there at very low cost. At the same try and get another part time job similar to the one you had to keep the money coming in. Or can you give grinds etc, teach the guitar??

Best of luck.