GF thinks she is being bullied

LegacyUser

A close friend of mine has been seeing his current girlfriend for about a year now. The first time my girlfriend and I went on a double date with them, my girlfriend was very quiet throughout (which is not unusual for her as she is quite shy), but as soon as the evening was over and we said our goodbyes, my girlfriend got very angry with me. She said that she was being bullied and intimidated by the other girl all night and that I never stepped in to put a stop to it. I had no idea what she was talking about, I didn't notice anything out of the ordinary, and there's no way that my friend would put up with behaviour like that either if he had noticed anything. I told her that she was imagining the whole thing and that it was a case of "the boy who cried wolf", as she has made many similar claims on other nights out which I know were untrue.

We went on 2 other other nights out since then with a larger group of friends, where they were also present. The same thing happened. My girlfriend claimed that she was bullied and intimidated again by this same girl and was angry with me for not coming to her defence. Again, I didn't see anything happening. When I asked her to describe how she was being bullied, she said that the girl was giving her dirty looks and would talk to everybody else in the group except her! I said that if that were true, then it is just rudeness, not bullying, and that she should just ignore her behaviour. My girlfriend gets very angry and upset at the mere mention of this girls name, and we have been avoiding group nights out with my friends ever since when we know that this girl will be there.

I'd very much appreciate any advice on what to do here. I feel like this is a load of fuss over nothing, that my girlfriend needs to grow up and either just ignore this girls behaviour or call her out on it. When I say this to her though she gets very angry and upset, saying that I am trivialising the situation and I end up feeling guilty for not believing her.

I'm very confused about this. Am I wrong in my thinking? Should I be just unquestioningly taking my girlfriends side on this? I feel like I'm being asked to fight her battles for her.

Tokyo

I'm not sure what your girlfriend expects you to do to be honest - even if what she claims (bullying) were true, does she expect you to jump in and fight for her honour or something without her saying a word first? To be honest, going by what you have described, unless there are any other factors then it sounds like your girlfriend is intimidated by those who are able to dominate a conversation or environment and is labelling it as bullying because she is getting left by the wayside in the conversation. If she has a history of this, then it sounds like a self confidence issue on her part, and her way of dealing with it and feeling like she matters.

If your girlfriend does have a problem with this person, then ultimately it's up to her to at least broach the subject first, and expecting you to step in for her at her word, and against everything you believe to be true yourself is completely unfair. If it were me, I'd stay well out of it, and stay your course of telling her that she either needs to say something about it or ignore it.

retro:electro

That is not bullying. Sounds like she has just taken a dislike to this girl for whatever reason and is using it as an excuse to avoid her.

Mr. Incognito

Seems like are the one being bullied.

Tell her to fight her own battles or cop on.

mapaca

If she is feeling intimidated and belittled by this girl then maybe you should try talking it through with her instead of dismissing her feelings. Maybe she is being over sensitive, or maybe the other girl is being a cow. It can be hard to gauge what's going on when you're all out in a group together.

K_P

Very_Confused wrote: »

I told her that she was imagining the whole thing and that it was a case of "the boy who cried wolf", as she has made many similar claims on other nights out which I know were untrue.
.

This is a strange one all right, but the bit in bold is what stood out for me. You've said she's quiet and shy, but if her way of dealing with that is to claim others are bullying her then you making a scene to "defend" her is going to do nothing but cause a rift between you and your friends.

It's quite likely she feels intimidated by large groups, social situations, meeting new people. Lots of people can feel a bit anxious in such situations. But she needs to understand that if she feels a bit intimidated, that's not necessarily anyone else's fault.

Of course it's possible this girl was throwing your gf dirty looks all night, but if no one else noticed it, if there was no awkward atmosphere and especially the fact that she's unfairly claimed this in the past would lead me to believe it's very unlikely. If this girl didn't speak to your gf all night (possibly an exaggeration but let's take it at face value) it's very likely that SHE feels intimidated by your gf sitting in silence all night, fuming that her boyfriend isn't leaping to her defence over non-existent slights.

You need a serious talk with your girlfriend, it's possible she has some kind of social anxiety that she's handling badly and projecting onto others.

tinz18

K_P wrote: »

Of course it's possible this girl was throwing your gf dirty looks all night, but if no one else noticed it, if there was no awkward atmosphere and especially the fact that she's unfairly claimed this in the past would lead me to believe it's very unlikely.

Just because no ones noticed it doesn't mean it isn't happening. In my experience guys miss a lot of the passive-aggressive relations that can go on between girls.

Just out of curiosity OP, is your group of friends all lads with a handful of girlfriends thrown in? I only ask because I was pretty much the target of the dirty looks and ignorance from the only other girlfriend (and female) in my boyfriends group when I first started dating him.

I ignored it and just thought it was in my head until another of the lads got a girlfriend and when talking to her realized she was getting the same treatment from her- the problem was the the first girl in the group was jealous because the lads attentions weren't solely on her anymore.

In addition, the lads, including my other half were clueless this was going on, and didn't see her bad behavior because they assumed since we were the only girls in the group that we'd automatically get along. She was very pretty and they semi-idolized this so they ignored a lot of her bad behavior. It was only when herself and her fella broke up, that my OH found out how I felt about her, and had to admit he'd half noticed the frosty reception I received from her but had put it down to me being quieter and not being able to hold my own (despite me chatting away to the lads and the new girlfriend no problem!).

You need to talk properly to your girlfriend- if she's shy she might not have the self-confidence to stand up for herself or might be afraid you'll take the other girls side. How does she interact with the rest of the people in the group?

Also I know it's handy when all the girlfriends in a group of friends get along but don't be trying to push her to be friends with this girl if they don't seem to click. Friendships are like relationships, they don't always work and there's nothing worse having your fella constantly at you to be bff with a girl who couldn't give a fiddlers whether you are there or not, just because he's best friends with her boyfriend.

K_P

Tinz18, I do agree with what you're saying - some girls can be needlessly bitchy, jealous and love to stir up drama. What happened to you sounds horrible. What made me think this wasn't happening here is that the OP's girlfriend has made these accusations numerous times. Either she's unlucky enough to meet nothing but the bitchiest people in the world, or there's something else going on. Also, I think the fact that this first happened on a double date where there were just 4 of them is relevant. In a group of 4, if one person is bullying another (a strong word, but one the OP's girlfriend us using) I think it would be noticed by even the most oblivious person.

I've been on the other side of this. I can be a bit shy at times (like most people) especially in large groups and as a result can sometimes (not always) talk more to the people in the group I know more. I was accused after one night out with a large group of friends and acquaintances of giving a person's girlfriend dirty looks and ignoring her all night. Nothing could have been further from the truth. This girl seemed to be chatting to others and having a great time. We spoke a little and all seemed perfectly pleasant and I don't know how or why she thought I was singling her out. I felt awful at the accusation, there's no real way of defending yourself as it's one person's word against another's. I felt very unfairly picked on to be honest and this was when it was pointed out to me afterwards one-on-one. If the OP was to leap to his gf's defence in front of everyone, I can guarantee you it would cause massive drama.

tinz18

K_P wrote: »

Tinz18, I do agree with what you're saying - some girls can be needlessly bitchy, jealous and love to stir up drama. What happened to you sounds horrible. What made me think this wasn't happening here is that the OP's girlfriend has made these accusations numerous times.

I took it up as all the accusations were aimed at this one girl? Not that there was accusations directed at other parties- maybe the OP will clarify which it is?

As for a double date and it being noticed, different strokes for different folks. It depends on the guys (ours are nerds) but with my guy and a few of my friends fellas- once they get chatting about a topic that interests both, the whole world could disappear and they don't even notice when we've gone out for air etc.

You are right though about it being one person's word against the others- I think the fact we've been on different sides of the coin means we have two unique perspectives on it- it's up to the OP to figure out which one applies to his girlfriend. I would be interested to hear how she gets on with everyone else in the group other than this girl to figure out if this is a regular trend or a one-off.

In my case I would've hated for my boyfriend to jump to my defense in case I was taking it up wrong- hence I didn't make my feelings known (bar that we had nothing in common to talk about) until she was out of the picture, it was only in chatting to the other girls in the group that I realized I wasn't the only one.

Likewise, I hated when he was making me feel bad for avoiding events she was going to be at- he didn't understand how extremely uncomfortable it is being expected to chat to someone who dislikes you for no valid reason.

OP, both you and your girlfriend need to sit down, talk this out calmly and find a way on working on it. You need to at least consider that the bitchiness is happening even though you haven't noticed it and she needs to consider that maybe she's perceiving the situation wrong and the girl is being perfectly civil to her.

zoobizoo

I've been there.

It gets tiresome.

It may stem from the "intimidation" which would suggest a lack of confidence on your gf's part. That lack confidence may cause a certain jealousy or automatic negative reaction to anyone who is outgoing / confident.

That said, us guys have a tendency not to pick up on some of the subtleties of female bullying by exclusion.

LegacyUser

Hi, OP here again. Thanks to everybody for taking the time to reply.

Before posting, my thinking was that if my girlfriend feels that she is receiving “dirty looks” or is being ignored, then it is up to her to either ignore it or deal with it herself. I didn’t think it was my responsibility to step in and save her. I also had a hard time believing that anything was actually happening. I was confused about whether I was making the situation worse by not stepping in for her and by not being in agreement that she was being bullied. I feel that the general consensus from the posts above is that I should not get involved and that it is up to her to stand up for herself.
It is very possible that this girl has a problem with my girlfriend and is hiding it well. The last time that we were all on a night out, I paid very close attention to how she was behaving. When she came over to talk to us, it did look like she was directing all conversation towards me, and never spoke to my girlfriend or asked her any questions. Then again, my girlfriend did not engage with her either. As for the dirty looks, I did see her make a strange face a few times when she was looking in my girlfriend’s direction. I don’t know what this means, I can’t say for sure that there is anything behind it, that could be just the normal face that she makes when trying to listen to a conversation in a loud pub!

I do not know if this girl gets on well or not with other friends’ girlfriends. At first glance it appears that they do, but without asking them I do not know if they feel they are being treated similarly. My girlfriend gets on fine with the other girls in this group, but wouldn’t be friends with them outside of nights out. Nor would I expect her to. I don’t just dump her with the girls of the group and expect them to get on while I go hang out with the lads. With different circles of friends however, she does not get on with all of the girls though. As I had mentioned in the original post, at first it seemed to me to be a case of “boy who cried wolf”. In other circles of friends she has not used the word “bullying”, but has claimed that other girls were giving her dirty looks or were not making her feel welcome. I didn’t (and still don’t) believe her about those claims. They always conveniently seemed to be about a girl (sometimes in the group and sometimes not) who appeared to be very confident or pretty.

My girlfriend admits to having issues with extreme jealousy and insecurity, and is taking steps to deal with it. In this case however, my friend’s girlfriend does not fit the profile of the type that she normally gets jealous and insecure about (which is not intended as a slight on this girls looks or personality, she is just completely different from the other girls that normally pose a problem for her).
This is what has me so conflicted. I feel guilty for not believing her and supporting her on this. But then she has cried wolf a few too many times, and even if what she says is true, she has to fight her own battles.

meeeeh

Well the other girl is not the only person you two meet on the nights out. If she feels uncomfortable talking to her she can talk to some other people. There is a chance that your gf might be just bored going out with your friends and maybe you two could go out separately. And I don't mean it in a bad way, sometimes people have just very little uncommon with partner's friends. Or sometimes shy people can make it very hard for other person to keep the conversation going, you try for a while and then just give up which could create an impression of hostility. The third option is that the other girl is rude but in that case there are other people around to talk to.

retro:electro

Even if your girlfriend is telling the truth she's still not being bullied. Perhaps the other girl is just rude and intimidating but that doesn't mean she's bullying your gf. I come across rude people all the time, do I think they're bullying me? No, rude? Yes.