Don't know what I am anymore

OldNotWIse

I've always identified as gay however over the last few years I've been having feelings for members of the opposite sex. I tried to dismiss these as just a phase etc but I feel like I can't keep living a lie anymore. I am in a relationship with someone I love and dont want to hurt her but I feel so boxed in. I don't understand how I could have been so sure of who I was for so long, and yet now I am in my thirties and having these doubts. Isn't this something we are supposed to figure out early on? I'm terrified to be honest with my partner about this but feel like a fraud and a liar.

Mgt27

This sounds like a very difficult time for you and you've obviously given it a lot of thought. Can you identify a particular person that you've developed feelings for and what is it about that person that attracts you?
I have no doubt you love your partner but has your relationship become stagnant or have your feelings changed? Does the idea of being together in another 10 years make you feel anxious or secure?
These are not questions I'm meaning you to answer. I just think once you open up to your partner things are going to be a lot more difficult for you
I am not telling you to conceal anything or be dishonest. It's just that once it's said it's very hard to go back on it. Can you explore these feelings a little more with the help of a professional? It can give you a lot of clarity and help you to look at the reasons that you've come to this place.
Be kind to yourself. I can imagine that your head is all over the place. You will figure it out, it will just take a little time. Take care

seenitall

Hi OP,

not trying to be funny, but does the word "bisexual" ring any bells?

As I'm sure you know, it's perfectly ok to be attracted to both sexes, one sex or none. I think it's also perfectly ok to be at a stage where you're not sure at all as to "what" you are.

As long as you're not a cheater, I don't think you should be worrying about labels too much. Would you be telling your girlfriend that you feel attracted to another girl once in a while? If the answer is no, then I don't see the reason to be telling her you feel attracted to guys either.

UNLESS you feel like you are losing attraction for your girlfriend because she's a girl (I know you didn't say that you are, I'm just extrapolating possibilities here) but I've never heard of things happening that way, I'd say it's pretty rare?

Do you feel it may be possible the old biological clock may have something to do with this change? (I remember you writing about your broodiness a while back.) Biological drives are powerful, powerful urges. Something to think about.

Penny Tration

I don't think it's something you 'figure out' at a young age. As we age, what and who we're attracted to can change. Sexuality is fluid for many people.

There's nothing wrong with liking one, two or no genders.

The issue would be if you weren't satisfied in your relationship. Are you? Or do you want to be free to explore your sexuality?

You need to answer these questions to yourself, and if the answers are "no, I'm not satisfied," or "yes, I want to explore my sexuality," then you owe it to your partner to discuss it with her.

OldNotWIse

seenitall wrote: »

Hi OP,

not trying to be funny, but does the word "bisexual" ring any bells?

As I'm sure you know, it's perfectly ok to be attracted to both sexes, one sex or none. I think it's also perfectly ok to be at a stage where you're not sure at all as to "what" you are.

As long as you're not a cheater, I don't think you should be worrying about labels too much. Would you be telling your girlfriend that you feel attracted to another girl once in a while? If the answer is no, then I don't see the reason to be telling her you feel attracted to guys either.

UNLESS you feel like you are losing attraction for your girlfriend because she's a girl (I know you didn't say that you are, I'm just extrapolating possibilities here) but I've never heard of things happening that way, I'd say it's pretty rare?

Do you feel it may be possible the old biological clock may have something to do with this change? (I remember you writing about your broodiness a while back.) Biological drives are powerful, powerful urges. Something to think about.

It's funny you should mention the biological clock as that is definitely something I've considered. Years ago, I would always find myself attracted to men around ovulation time, so I dismissed the feelings as nature just pushing me to do what it wanted! However increasingly over the past few years the attraction has grown and it's now constant. I am confused as to how I feel about my partner but I know one thing for sure, I never find other women attractive anymore, but I do find men attractive I remember confiding in a teacher years back when I first came out and she asked me if I was sure I wasn't bisexual. I was abused as a child and she thought that maybe this just instilled in me a fear of men, rather than me actually being gay. I disregarded her "theory" as I thought I was 100% gay Perhaps it is something I should have explpred then rather than now!

Penny Tration

OldNotWIse wrote: »

It's funny you should mention the biological clock as that is definitely something I've considered. Years ago, I would always find myself attracted to men around ovulation time, so I dismissed the feelings as nature just pushing me to do what it wanted! However increasingly over the past few years the attraction has grown and it's now constant. I am confused as to how I feel about my partner but I know one thing for sure, I never find other women attractive anymore, but I do find men attractive I remember confiding in a teacher years back when I first came out and she asked me if I was sure I wasn't bisexual. I was abused as a child and she thought that maybe this just instilled in me a fear of men, rather than me actually being gay. I disregarded her "theory" as I thought I was 100% gay Perhaps it is something I should have explpred then rather than now!

The fact that you're unsure how you feel about your partner, combined with the certainty that you don't like other women, is worrying.

Given that, I think you need to discuss it with her.

seenitall

Agreed with Jingle Balls, OP, in light of what you posted next, I now think it would be a good idea to discuss this with your girlfriend.

Yes, it may come as a shock to her and it will probably hurt to hear it, but honesty is the best policy in the long run.

No one here can give you answers or solutions on what happens next, but if I were your girlfriend, I'd most certainly want to know that you have been feeling more and more straight, as it were. She deserves to know. And you deserve to stop feeling like a fraud.

All the best to both of you.