poor conversation

LegacyUser

This isn't the end of the world but it is affecting my relationships with people recently so I thought I'd come here for advice.
I come across as a friendly, chatty person in general however I am really quite shy and self conscious. I second guess myself a lot and I'm always terrified I will say or have said something to upset somebody.
My biggest problem however, and it goes back years, I don't ask people questions. I have a thing in my head that it's rude. Therefore, a conversation with somebody I barely know will be me just yapping on about me... which can come across as me being totally self absorbed.

I feel a bit socially inept because I can't maintain what most people would consider to be a normal conversation. It's affected my dating too because the more keen I am on somebody the more I clam up and I come across as totally disinterested in them. I can't actually show them I fancy them! I become cool and aloof and give off all the wrong signals.

I just feel it's an aspect of my personality I really need to sort out.

Merkin

A good conversationalist is both interested and interesting. You seem to be under the misapprehension that all questions must be intensely personal and consequently rude. This is not the case at all. Have a think about what you'd like to know about someone. There's a big difference in asking a person have they done much traveling/where was their last holiday compared to asking them how much they earn per month or if they've ever been treated for an STI. Another thing you can do is reciprocate. If someone asks you a question and you tell them, you can then ask them 'and what about you/have you?' etc. You could also just observe the conversations of sociable/chatty people and see how they engage. It's good that you're aware you're doing it and it's something you want to change.

LynnGrace

Completely agree with Merkin.
Nothing wrong with asking polite questions, reciprocating e.g 'any plans for the weekend? Oh probably just having a quiet one, what about you?'

Practise a little in situations where a bit of 'small talk' is appropriate, where you don't know someone well, but don't want to sit in silence.

LegacyUser

OP here. Thanks for replying. I guess it's come to a head now as I notice just how bad I am. I met somebody not so long ago, we're just friends but I like them. However, I know so little about them because I don't ask. I completely clam up and with nerves just yap away about rubbish or just me. And when I'm not doing that I try to act cool and calm but come across as rude and disinterested.
When we communicate over text, I'm fine but the minute we meet this nonsense happens. It's got to the point it would almost be embarrassing to suddenly start asking questions and they appear to be mirroring my behavior so it's like a vicious circle.

Rubberchikken

it's great that you realise what you're doing and want to change.
i've only ever met one person in work who would just talk. trying to get a word in or even to get back to work was virtually impossible and he never seemed to be able to read the signs either which made things a bit difficult.

so, just start with asking how someone is, and then listening to the answer.
simple questions re. weather, job, family, current affairs, sport.
try to be listening not thinking about what you can say next. it'll take time but you'll get there with a bit of effort.
best of luck