I'm in over my head with no way out

LegacyUser

My inability to get out of a toxic relationship has completely derailed my life and I haven't a clue how to set things right again. Inside I am screaming and feel like I am exploding with the fear of whats around the corner.

I met the man I currently live with when I was in my late teens. He was thirty plus years my senior. People thought I was mad but I was in love and wanted to continue our relationship and continue it I did. He was well off at the time but money was not a factor for me and I would have dated him if he'd been penniless. I found him fun to be around and we genuinely clicked. Looking back I had no experience with men. I had one male best friend and one guy I dated for a short period of time.

As our relationship intensified, I lost contact with my few friends and started withdrawing from my family. I became engrossed in my new relationship and was eager to please this mature man I had found. He offered me a job in his business and I happily jumped at the chance.

A few months into our relationship I noticed things started to change. He was agitated and secretive. I found out he had a long term partner that was overseas. I was devastated. She came to visit him and I promised I would go about my work and look like I was just an employee. I kept completely quiet and played my part. A few days later she went back overseas but ended their relationship. However I forgave him and continued on with our relationship.

A few months later another woman came out of the woodwork that he had business relations with some time before. They began having an affair and he fell deeply in love with her. I began to be a pain in the neck for him and he wanted to end our relationship. I cannot remember the full ins and outs of what happened but I ended up staying around. His lady friend wasn't happy and she tried breaking into his house one evening. The Guards were called and the situation was diffused.

The next couple of months were calm and I continued going about the dutiful girlfriend.

I'm not going to bore you all but umpteen more affairs continued, an abortion and miscarriages with different women. I was threatened with severe beatings etc by family members of the women he had affairs with as I was seen as being as bad as him for going along with it. If only it was that simple.

He was telling me on a daily basis that I was not trustworthy and could never be trusted. I don't know what I ever done but I began believing him even though he was having the affairs. I began withdrawing further into myself and finally he told me he couldn't afford to keep me on as an employee. I had no income and no support whatsoever yet I was paying a mortgage that I took out during our relationship (solely mine). I began borrowing heavily to service the mortgage.

During this period he came to me and told me his bank was starting to close in on him and he would lose his investment property. It was decided I would buy his distressed property so he could pay off his bank. I took out a mortgage so I could purchase the property from him and basically saved him from ruin. I went about getting him financial advise and he decided to close his business and sell his main residence which he did and paid off his debts. Today he is debt free.

We had arranged for him to purchase the investment property back from me when he gets set up in business again. He never quite managed to purchase the property back but he has been collecting rent off the place for years now (a very small amount). He pays me the mortgage payment on it and then I give it to the bank and he keeps the rest. As there was no sign of him paying off the debt I asked him for money that I could hold on deposit. He gave me 20k and as he had nowhere to live he began living with me. He had another woman at this stage and she has stuck with him to this day. He refuses to live with her. My life continues to amass to nothing and I am tired of being unemployed and relying on his handouts. I can only apply for JSA but I am hesitant whether I should apply for it or not because the application form asks a question about other property outside of the family home and of course I have his property but I am earning nothing from it. I doubt the welfare are going to believe me so I continue to have no money apart from a small part-time job I have taken up (5 hours per week minimum wage). I have dipped into the money he gave me on deposit so I can survive and now its almost gone. He is refusing to leave my house and now wants his money back. I am terrified to tell him I don't have it.

Does anyone know what I can do please? If I say to the Social I don't have a second property and they find out I do I could be in serious trouble.

Merkin

At the risk of being terse would you not actually consider getting a job? You're talking about living your life on handouts so why not use this as an opportunity to break that cycle and go and seek full-time work so you can amass some self sufficiency and more importantly self respect?

Teyla Emmagan

You need legal advice to get him removed from your home and to sort out your financial mess. Contact the free legal advice people, there must be something on citizeninformation. And you probably need some sort of counseling. The first step however is to get rid of him. If you are physically scared of him you can get a barring order so he can't come near you.

bee06

Get away from this man, get independent financial advice regarding the properties and get a job.

LegacyUser

Thank you for your replies.

I am actively seeking employment. I have only managed so far to get a measly few hours per week. It's these few hours that have kept me sane and I see them as a stepping stone to better things. I have never claimed social in my life but when I read the JSA requirements the question of whether the applicant had another property came up. I was hoping JSA would put me through courses and temporarily supplement my low income for a period of time until I got into full time work. I have been so far unsuccessful in gaining full time employment.

He has never laid a hand on me but when he finds out his money is gone I will be fearful.

Yurt2

You need to get out of this man's orbit for the sake of your health. The financials are secondary and will sort themselves in time.

kjl

So you own the property but he takes all the rent payments??

Solution seems simple to me, sell the property and leave this county.