If parents are split up...

que pasa

do they have a duty to tell their children/adult children?

What are the consequences if they don't and they continue to live with one another?

Oink

I don't know if I would call it a duty.

It's their relationship, and no one has a right to tell them how to live it. I don't know the situation, and it can't be fun for anyone involved, but as a grown-up if I was to meddle in my parents business they would tell me to back off.

It's a question of balancing boundaries and loving concern.

seventeen sheep

A moral duty, perhaps ... certainly not any sort of a legal duty.

I'm not sure what sort of consequences you're talking about. I can actually understand why a couple in that situation might choose to continue living together (if it was an amicable break-up.) And, if they're not interested in dating anyone else, I can understand why it would make life easier to let the outside world pretend that they are still in a relationship.

If it were my parents? I'd be sad that their relationship was over, but if they were happy to continue living together, I guess I'd just support them in that. I wouldn't be hurt or annoyed if they waited a while before telling me or anyone else - it would be their own business who they wanted to tell and when.

Big Bag of Chips

Is this a personal issue for you, OP? Or just a general query?

I think if either person is going to start another relationship then yes, your children should be told. Otherwise they might find themselves suspicious of one parent's behaviour and in a dilemma as to whether or not they should tell the other parent.

No two families will be the same, so each family will deal with it differently.

que pasa

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Is this a personal issue for you, OP? Or just a general query?

I think if either person is going to start another relationship then yes, your children should be told. Otherwise they might find themselves suspicious of one parent's behaviour and in a dilemma as to whether or not they should tell the other parent.


No two families will be the same, so each family will deal with it differently.

Yes it is. My father moved out when I was 17 but never told me about it because I was away at college. It was a year later until I found out.

He returns home every 2-3 days. I think the reason for this is to not 'give up his claim to the family home' ( I'm assuming this is how he thinks).

This has caused major problems for me growing up and I was chucked out of home at18/19 for confronting the issue, albeit with police intervention.

I'm 28 now and haven't had any real sort of a relationship since then nor have I returned home. Basically I think they're utter scum.

But now that im 28 I may have to move home, to my town and not family home, for finacial reasons and I feel as though I will have to confront this again on a daily basis.

I feel as though I have stayed away from home for almost a decade just to satisfy their needs but now I'm beginning to regret the opportunities I missed because of it.

Typer Monkey

Have you had any therapy at all? You seem very bitter and angry at something that happened 10 years ago. Calling your parents scum is an extreme reaction. With respect, you were a teenager when their relationship ended and you weren't privvy to any arrangements they came to with regards to the house. I think you should try and deal with this issue and out it behind you as it seems to be having an impact on your happiness

que pasa

Typer Monkey wrote: »

Have you had any therapy at all? You seem very bitter and angry at something that happened 10 years ago. Calling your parents scum is an extreme reaction. With respect, you were a teenager when their relationship ended and you weren't privvy to any arrangements they came to with regards to the house. I think you should try and deal with this issue and out it behind you as it seems to be having an impact on your happiness

I went to see a counsellor at uni but now that im finished I no longer go.

I had a discussion with my brother about returning home. He told me "forget about it, you won't be allowed". Im 28 years old.

piperh

que pasa wrote: »

Yes it is. My father moved out when I was 17 but never told me about it because I was away at college. It was a year later until I found out.

He returns home every 2-3 days. I think the reason for this is to not 'give up his claim to the family home' ( I'm assuming this is how he thinks).

This has caused major problems for me growing up and I was chucked out of home at18/19 for confronting the issue, albeit with police intervention.

I'm 28 now and haven't had any real sort of a relationship since then. Basically I think they're utter scum.

To be brutally honest I think you are massively overeacting and are looking for excuses for your bad behaviour. You are now an adult and 10 years have passed. .. let it go it's none of your business. Would you let your adult children dictate your life?

Yes I can understand initial anger that you hadn't been told, maybe they didn't want to distract you from your studies and as you were already living away from home it didn't impact on you. I get the impression it was never discussed properly so you have a lot of unanswered questions but really their living arrangement is their business.

You need to live your life and let them live theirs in my opinion.

que pasa

piperh wrote: »

To be brutally honest I think you are massively overeacting and are looking for excuses for your bad behaviour. You are now an adult and 10 years have passed. .. let it go it's none of your business. Would you let your adult children dictate your life?

Yes I can understand initial anger that you hadn't been told, maybe they didn't want to distract you from your studies and as you were already living away from home it didn't impact on you. I get the impression it was never discussed properly so you have a lot of unanswered questions but really their living arrangement is their business.

You need to live your life and let them luve theirs imo.

I don't understand "they're business" mentality.

We're a family unit. If there is division in the family we as a family have a right to know.

It's simple honesty.

MouseTail

que pasa wrote: »

Yes it is. My father moved out when I was 17 but never told me about it because I was away at college. It was a year later until I found out.

He returns home every 2-3 days. I think the reason for this is to not 'give up his claim to the family home' ( I'm assuming this is how he thinks).

That sounds very difficult, particularly for your mother who would find it difficult to be able to move on with such a semi type relationship. I would think it would be better for a clean break, house sold, they both move on. But who am I, or anyone including yourself OP to judge what type of relationship they have carved out for themselves?
Perhaps find some compassion and empathy for your parents?

Wabbit Ears

You have no idea what goes on behind closed doors and parents share very very little adult decisions with kids and teenagers.

It really is their life now you are an adult and they don't have to explain anything to you, as frustrating as that is!!

My parents are also split up and have a weird relationship but I just stay out of it, they are who they are.

Stavro Mueller

Without knowing more, you could argue that your parents thought not telling you was the right thing to do at the time. It is the sort of thing that can fry a person's brain and they may have been concerned that it'd affect your grades in college. It's interesting that you ended up being chucked out of home with police intervention. If it's because you lost the plot and became very aggressive, that could be why your parents didn't want to tell you before this.

Seeing as you're seething with hatred, bitterness and anger, why on earth are you even thinking about moving home? I presume your relationship with your parents is awful if you speak of them in the way in which you do.

Your biggest mistake was to quit the counselling when you left college because you are coming across very badly in this thread. If you are anything like this in real life, no wonder you've never had a relationship. As long as you keep this poison in your system, you are never going to move forward with your life.

que pasa

This is the main reason im moving home, so as to get on with my life.

All im asking for is basic courtesy, a simple declaration, to confirm the facts.

Im beyond reasons. I dont care. I just don't like my face rubbed in it, that's all.

piperh

que pasa wrote: »

I don't understand "they're business" mentality.

We're a family unit. If there is division in the family we as a family have a right to know.

It's simple honesty.

You might have had a right to be annoyed you hadn't been told initially as I've already said and maybe morally they should have sat you down and told you but that is not the same as having a right to know.

Unless you have a sibling under the age of 18 don't be fooling yourself your father simply doesn't want to lose his claim to the family home. If you are all over the age of 18 he has as much legal right to it as your mother, so if he's still going home it's because it suits them both.

que pasa

piperh wrote: »

You might have had a right to be annoyed you hadn't been told initially as I've already said and maybe morally they should have sat you down and told you but that is not the same as having a right to know.

Unless you have a sibling under the age of 18 don't be fooling yourself your father simply doesn't want to lose his claim to the family home. If you are all over the age of 18 he has as much legal right to it as your mother, so if he's still going home it's because it suits them both.

I see where you're coming from. The old Catholic ethos at play there: Hush, hush don't let the neighbours know type crap.

But lets be straight here, im not relying on rights; I'm making it my business.

If they don't have the courtesy to be honest then don't expect me or anyone else in the family to be the same; respect is reciprocal, what you give you get in return.

que pasa

After reading over this thread again, im beginning to get the impression that people think my parents have told us they are now split up.

Let's be clear; they have told us nothing then and still have not told us now.

MouseTail

You're 28, old enough to understand the intricacies and complexities of relationships, especially lifetime ones. I really dont understand what you want here, they probably have some sort of relationship going on where they each have their own space but maintain some form of intimacy. Why do you need to know the details of that?

que pasa

MouseTail wrote: »

You're 28, old enough to understand the intricacies and complexities of relationships, especially lifetime ones. I really dont understand what you want here, they probably have some sort of relationship going on where they each have their own space but maintain some form of intimacy. Why do you need to know the details of that?

Tbh I don't want anything from this. Im going to return to my home town and continue my life while ignoring them and their 'arrangement'.

if that looks bad for them, then tough. I won't be exiled from my home town to satisfy that arrangement.

Stavro Mueller

So what happened at 18/19 that led you to being chucked out of home with the boys in blue involved?

Big Bag of Chips

You seem very angry. And I'm guessing it's this anger that caused the police to be called when you were younger? Maybe it's this anger that is stopping your parents from having an adult discussion with you. If you behave like a stroppy teenager your parents see you as one.

How about letting go of the anger. Nobody knows the details of your parents relationship. You say you found out? Who from? Maybe if you would like to know you should treat your parents like adults (not as mammy and daddy) and you should look for them to treat you as an adult, not as an aggressive teenager.

Whichever parent you have the better relationship with is the one you should reach out to. Contact them, arrange to call to see them, and try to talk without getting angry or upset. Just remember they are people too. People with their own feelings, emotions and their own perspective on what happened over the past 10 years.

It may have been handled badly back then, but you are all adults now. If you discuss it rationally, no "confronting" just discussing, then your parents might be more willing to tell you stuff.

Then again they may not, and if they don't, then you have no choice but accept it. Getting angry and aggressive isn't going to make them more inclined to tell you.

que pasa

Stavro Mueller wrote: »

So what happened at 18/19 that led you to being chucked out of home with the boys in blue involved?

I pushed one of my siblings to the ground.

que pasa

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

You seem very angry. And I'm guessing it's this anger that caused the police to be called when you were younger? Maybe it's this anger that is stopping your parents from having an adult discussion with you. If you behave like a stroppy teenager your parents see you as one.

How about letting go of the anger. Nobody knows the details of your parents relationship. You say you found out? Who from? Maybe if you would like to know you should treat your parents like adults (not as mammy and daddy) and you should look for them to treat you as an adult, not as an aggressive teenager.

Whichever parent you have the better relationship with is the one you should reach out to. Contact them, arrange to call to see them, and try to talk without getting angry or upset. Just remember they are people too. People with their own feelings, emotions and their own perspective on what happened over the past 10 years.

It may have been handled badly back then, but you are all adults now. If you discuss it rationally, no "confronting" just discussing, then your parents might be more willing to tell you stuff.

Then again they may not, and if they don't, then you have no choice but accept it. Getting angry and aggressive isn't going to make them more inclined to tell you.

I would but my mothers an alcoholic and is rarely sober. She doesn't really seem to care too much about how we feel about it nor does my father.

Buy I suppose that's "they're business too" eh?

Tasden

que pasa wrote: »

I would but my mothers an alcoholic and is rarely sober. She doesn't really seem to care too much about how we feel about it nor does my father.

Buy I suppose that's "they're business too" eh?

Yeah, actually, it is.

You're a grown adult. They are grown adults. You no longer live in their house so they don't have to tell you anything. If you lived there they actually still don't have to tell you anything but they probably would inform you as it is to do with your living arrangements.

que pasa

Tasden wrote: »

Yeah, actually, it is.

You're a grown adult. They are grown adults. You no longer live in their house so they don't have to tell you anything. If you lived there they actually still don't have to tell you anything but they probably would inform you as it is to do with your living arrangements.

Tbh you're a ****ing gob****e. An absolute ****ing gob****e.

To come on here and say to someone that a family members alcohilism has nothing to do with them.

You're no doubt s person from poor peasant background.

Why don't you **** back your knacker hole you ****ing peasant?

que pasa

Tasden wrote: »

Yeah, actually, it is.

You're a grown adult. They are grown adults. You no longer live in their house so they don't have to tell you anything. If you lived there they actually still don't have to tell you anything but they probably would inform you as it is to do with your living arrangements.

Tbh you're a ****ing gob****e. An absolute ****ing gob****e.

To come on here and say to someone that a family members alcohilism has nothing to do with them.

You're no doubt s person from poor peasant background.

Why don't you **** back your knacker hole you ****ing peasant?

you dirty Irish ****

Penny Tration

With the attitude you're displaying here, and the fact that you ASSAULTED your sibling, it's no wonder your parents don't tell you anything.

Focus on your own life, deal with your anger issues, and let your parents live their lives how they choose

Taltos

Thread closed and OP taking a long to vacation to consider how to interact with posters here.

Zaph

In addition to the forum ban, for that outburst the OP has just earned himself a bit of time off the site.