dating a guy with intimacy issues

LegacyUser

hi i am dating a guy - really like him and he ticks a lot of the boxes but.. 3 months in and he tells me that he has depression.
Ok I have had a lot of 1st/2nd hand experience with different sorts of depression so I think - lets deal with this as we need to.
The specifics are detachment and anxiety - and problems with intimacy.
There is no problem in the bedroom department - but he struggles with the little things like cuddling, hugging - all of which are of hugh importance to me.

He as had therapy for depression in the past - has gone back on antidepressants - and they have helped his general feeling of well being - but the struggle with intimacy is still there.
I am struggling with this.
He says he likes me so its not a "me" thing - but that intimacy makes him anxious.
He does not know why.
I can sympathize with him but I cannot understand it - and I NEED intimacy in a relationship.

Has anyone ever heard/experienced this from a 1st hand experience? And if so can you shed some light on it?
He is starting to think that its just him and he will never change.
This is a deal breaker = I am starting to feel very vulnerable and I need/want more from a relationship.

thanks

blatantrereg

People have different thresholds for affection. What one person feels a need for another finds smothering or alarming.
There's a good chance he might be more comfortable giving affection than receiving it. You might see if asking him to hug you without hugging him back, for example, and see how that works.
It's only three months so it's likely he'll gradually become more comfortable with you.

Teyla Emmagan

Why don't you just hug/cuddle him instead of waiting for it to happen the other way around? If he's not physically rejecting you, then you just have to help him get used to non sexual intimacy. It's possible he just doesn't 'know how' to be affectionate without sex. Could be how he was raised more than a symptom of his depression. Some families are not very touchy feely.

Teyla Emmagan

Why don't you just hug/cuddle him instead of waiting for it to happen the other way around? If he's not physically rejecting you, then you just have to help him get used to non sexual intimacy. It's possible he just doesn't 'know how' to be affectionate without sex. Could be how he was raised more than a symptom of his depression. Some families are not very touchy feely.

LegacyUser

hi thanks for the replies…

no this is something clinical.. he says that it has been the reason why all his previous relationships have failed.
he gets really anxious when it comes to being physically affectionate.

he has a daughter - there is no issue with her.

if i sit close to him or hug him I can feel that he seizes up - it makes him so uncomfortable.

I am actually gonna end the relationship as I am a very affectionate person - and its fundamental for me in a relationship.

Such a pity cos I am mad about him in every other way