Friends rejection

LegacyUser

I need a bit of advice in how to deal with a friends rejection. Not for the first time she has come to the town where I live, letting me know a week or two in advance, but always leaving it until the last minute on the day to arrange to meet up with me (whether I contact her or not) so I would have to drop everything instantly to met her in the 30min time slot she has free for me.

I'm getting really annoyed with it but have come to the understanding that she is just asking so when I see she's here I can't be annoyed because she did try to meet me. But it upsets me every time. So today I got a text to say they are there now if I want to met but they are going for dinner soon. So basically Id have to drive in as soon as I got the text even though I haven't heard from her all day to get there before they leave for dinner. No option to meet after dinner, only before. I said it was too short notice as I am already in the middle of something and asked about meeting tomorrow. She said she didn't know as the other girl was driving. Every message has some mention of 'if you can't make it it's no problem'.

I'm just sick of it. It's a few hour drive for them to get here. She could easily text when they are leaving but she doesn't bother. It hurts more this time as she is here to visit the only other person she knows here. Who she has only know for a year not her entire life.

I just wish she would stop pretending to make plans she has no intention of following through with. Am I really that bad of a person to be around that I can't be invited for dinner too? I was prepared to get the same type text today but as soon as I got it I am affected by it again. So without just going mad and telling her to stop texting me how can I deal with this.

Tokyo

She's doing it because so far, she's getting away with it. You're complaining after the fact about it, but I'm guessing still turning up to meet her nonetheless. The simple solution - stop acquiescing to her - text back next time to tell her that if she'd given you a bit more notice you would have, but as it stands, you have other plans. Not being instantly available a few times might make her rethink her approach in the future, if she genuinely wants to spend time with you.

LegacyUser

mike_ie wrote: »

She's doing it because so far, she's getting away with it. You're complaining after the fact about it, but I'm guessing still turning up to meet her nonetheless. The simple solution - stop acquiescing to her - text back next time to tell her that if she'd given you a bit more notice you would have, but as it stands, you have other plans. Not being instantly available a few times might make her rethink her approach in the future, if she genuinely wants to spend time with you.

I haven't met her. I told her exactly that, that she text too late and I am busy now. Which is the truth. I am getting the feeling she doesn't actually want to spend time with me. And that's what's making me feel a bit crap.

Oink

That's happened to me. Thought I had a great group of friends and was loving it. Then I realised that I was always the one organizing meetups. So I stopped doing it. I wanted to know. And sure enough, their life went on. I was a bit disgusted, but when you're not wanted, you're better off in your own company.

If you feel your friend is not that bothered, maybe she isn't. It's crap, but she might be moving on. People do that (the b@stards...!).

athtrasna

In our lives we have drains and radiators. There comes a time to cut out the drains. It's not easy but I did it with one of my "best friends "about three years ago and I haven't looked back. I'm happier and more confident these days.

Merkin

Didn't you have another thread on this before Christmas?

thefeatheredcat

Friend rejection wrote: »

I haven't met her. I told her exactly that, that she text too late and I am busy now. Which is the truth. I am getting the feeling she doesn't actually want to spend time with me. And that's what's making me feel a bit crap.

There's a few ways I'd look at it that either
- she's someone who lives by the wind and never makes plans and everything is done on impulse and on a whim with whoever happens to be there, or
- she's someone who only makes plans on her terms, as it suits her, and if you can't accommodate her plans that's fine with her, or
- she's someone who is subconsciously leaving it too late to invite you along assuming you'd be doing nothing, or
- she's someone who is deliberatively leaving making plans that could include you to the last minute knowing you probably will be busy that results in you not being included and a means to indirectly show she doesn't want to spend time with you.

The ONLY important thing regardless of whichever way is how it makes you feel, how it impacts you and what you can do about it.

I've a sibling who only makes plans on their terms.... a lot of what mike_ie suggested worked on them, that I stopped taking their crap after I'd be there for arranged time and they'd show up 30 mins or so later, late, without a text or call to explain anything, and so it went to if they weren't there when they said they would, I went off and did whatever. It happened frequently before Christmas, and as it was something that used to get me angry, I stopped being angry over it, it wasn't my problem. They have now started to show up at arranged time when it suits me, rather than turning up to nobody and having wasted petrol.
I've been in the situation before with someone where they constantly would turn up in the city I was in without any notice or plan and only letting me know when they were already on their way into the pub that they were even there, and it was infuriating, because I often had to say I couldn't make it as was still in work, or on the way from work, just in the door, or had an early shift the next day and often said had I known, I would have tried to change my hours. I was upset because they just assumed I'd be doing nothing, or worked the same hours they did (Mon-Fri 9-5 when I worked shift work) and I'd feel bad I wouldn't get to see them. But it also transpired - through an argument between us - they thought I was deliberately avoiding them and genuinely believed I was lying every time I said I was working, which of course was not true.

Regardless of your friend's reason for being poor on the planning or letting you know about plans, there comes a time when if you have tried to explain to them you need to know about plans, and are feeling excluded as a result and are certain that she isn't thinking the same about you as you feel about her in not wanting to spend time with you.... that you cross a point whether it is in your best interest or not to continue to wring yourself through a situation repeatedly with someone who is unreliable in that way. If you take away the aspect that you feel she is doing it on purpose to avoid spending time with you and just see it from the overall effect it is having on you, is it really worth even making those plans, or setting an expectation of follow through, each and every time? In my opinion, no. It's not worth it to feel bad about yourself at all, especially if you have your hopes up that maybe this occasion it will be different. Accept that she is unreliable for making plans and rarely follows through on them, as it will dull the hurt a bit and once you stop having an emotional reaction to her actions and don't feel hurt or perceive yourself negatively over it, you might get a better sense of what and where the intent of making plans really is and where your friendship is going.

Sinead Mc1

I think everyone has been in this position at one time or another.
Sadly, in my experience, it led to a bad realisation.
I think its a bit like agonising over a fella not calling etc...
If he's interested he'll call. If he's not he won't.
I have plenty of friends who are airy fairy in general but wouldnt do this.
There is a chance your friend just hadn't a clue how you feel.
Voice it. You've nothing to lose.
If it works out she doesnt care then best you know that sooner rather than later.

retro:electro

She's doing it on such short notice knowing full well you won't be able to make it but in her mind her hands are clean and its not her problem that you're busy. Sorry op but she doesn't care about meeting you, she asks you at the last second because she knows you won't turn up, leaving you as the bad guy. I remember your thread on this before and I can't believe its still going on. Don't bother with her anymore, she sounds like a hideous person.

LegacyUser

Thanks everyone. Yes I did post about it before, which makes me feel even stupider for being this upset about it again. Obviously friendships should do the opposite.

She has a new group of friends that she obviously feels I just don't fit in with. Otherwise she would be inviting me along to join the group on their night out and not trying to meet me singly if she can squeeze me in. It's not a great feeling to think an old friend might be embarrassed by you. On the only occasion I was actually invited out with them one of her new friends made fun of my outfit in a jokey way that was passed off by my friend as her just being drunk and messing around.

And reading back over our text conversation this evening every message had a variation of 'if you can't come in its fine' no mention of actually wanting to see me, only if I happened to be around. I just need to be brave enough to call her up on it next time she texts to tell me she is going to be here. I have a hard time making friends so I have been clinging on to this one a bit too long.

Other old friends have come here on trips and not been in touch which I have had no problem with, it's the fake plans that hurt.

Stavro Mueller

Also 30 minutes sounds pretty paltry to me. How long does she meet other people for, do you know?

LegacyUser

Stavro Mueller wrote: »

Also 30 minutes sounds pretty paltry to me. How long does she meet other people for, do you know?

She never said 30 min. But she text at five and said she was here and was having dinner at 8, but if I was around to let her know. So by the time I would be ready to leave and the drive in it would be an hour min before I got there, and then she would want time to get ready for her night out too. So leaving an hour or 30 min.... When it would have made far more sense to arrange to meet after dinner for a drink. My judgement on this is completely clouded by our past friendship.. I really need to cop on and stop letting myself get upset over this.

Merkin

I think based on some sense of duty she's doing what she considers just enough not to be very rude or to sever ties totally but it's clear she's not really bothered. Perhaps she feels you'd be very hurt if you heard she was in the area and hadn't at least texted so in doing so it's her get out of jail free card. You're clearly quite invested in the friendship when she clearly isn't so on that basis I'd stop dropping everything for her and just say no. Sounds like the friendship has run it's course.

jimd2

I agree with the others, it looks as if the friendship has run its course in her mind.

The only slight bit of mitigation I can think of is if the friend is working to arrangements and schedule that her other friends have arranged and is genuinely thinking that she wants to keep you as a friend and is trying to juggle between her friends. She is out with them because they actually arranged something.

If you still want to meet her sometime you could call her next week and fully explain your difficulty in a calm manner, not showing that you are upset. Then suggest that she visit sometime to visit you. If she agrees, make a tentative arrangement for a few weeks time. Follow up and see how that goes. Might give you your answer either way.

la cienega

I remember your post from last time and that has motivated me to reply. I phased out a friend last year in the same way your friend seems to be phasing you out.

It is a very difficult thing to end a friendship. You don't want to hurt someone outright by saying 'I don't want to be friends with you anymore' and if the friend still wants to meet up and socialise, then phasing out is often the only course.

You seem invested in your friendship and more importantly, you seen stuck and unable to get over your friend not wanting to see you. I would advise then that you firstly take a long look in the mirror and ask why a friend might not want to be friends anymore. Ask yourself tough questions. In my case the friend ignored the fact I had been harassed by a mutual friend and she continues to socialise with him. Even though I eventually told the friend the reason I need distance from her, I don't think she ever actually thought about my hurt, her complicity in perpetuating the harassment. It was infinitely easier to complain about what a bad friend I was and self pity than self examine.

If, when looking in the mirror you haven't found anything that you have done that would have upset your friend then I would suggest sending an open text message stating you've noticed the drift in friendship, how much you value your friend and ask why your friend appears to be phasing you out. If you want an answer rather than being fobbed off I would advise using neural vocabulary. Be prepared to accept you might not like the answer.

I have also been phased out by a friend in the past and on reflection I know that I acted immaturely in the friendship - I hated her boyfriend. Years later I know that it was right that friendship ended because we had outgrown each other. There's no point getting bogged down in a friendship that's over. Moving on can actually be a very liberating experience. I would advise you to examine your self and your actions and move on having learned more about yourself and other people.

Stavro Mueller

OP, is this the thread you posted in before? - it might be worth clarifying because people may be referring back to that one as well.

LegacyUser

Stavro Mueller wrote: »

OP, is this the thread you posted in before? - it might be worth clarifying because people may be referring back to that one as well.

Yes that's the one. Thanks for the link. I had forgotten some of the stuff I wrote in there. My feeling obviously haven't changed about the friendship since then even though I thought it had so I seriously need to work on that.

Thanks everyone for the help. I was very depressed over it last night but feeling much better this morning. Next time she texts to say she will be here I will have to re-read these threads!

I will definitely have a look at myself too in case there was anything I did to cause the phasing out... But no matter what I did her way of doing the phasing out is crappy.

la cienega

Friend problem wrote: »

Yes that's the one. Thanks for the link. I had forgotten some of the stuff I wrote in there. My feeling obviously haven't changed about the friendship since then even though I thought it had so I seriously need to work on that.

Thanks everyone for the help. I was very depressed over it last night but feeling much better this morning. Next time she texts to say she will be here I will have to re-read these threads!

I will definitely have a look at myself too in case there was anything I did to cause the phasing out... But no matter what I did her way of doing the phasing out is crappy.

I don't mean to be harsh but why would you even want to be friends with someone who constantly shirks meeting you? It seems to me you are placing far too much emphasis on how this friend views you. Spending a Saturday night very depressed over something that is actually trivial in the grand scheme of things suggests to me that you need to take stock of the way you allow other people to change your mood, belief in your self, etc.

If you wait for her to text expecting anything to be different other than you coming back to read these threads then you are setting yourself up for another bout of upset. In my opinion, you have two choices: either take decisive action and query why your friend does not seem to want to see you or make the cut yourself. When she next texts, tell her that you aren't free and to have a great time at whatever she is doing. Then get out there and make new friends, ones who appreciate you and want to spend time with you.

From your posts you have determined yourself to be a bit of a victim here. Indeed, I wonder if you are able to actually sit down and ask yourself if you have done anything to motivate your friend to phase you out? No offence, but people are perfectly entitled to choose who they want to be friends with and something 'phasing out' is often the politest way of doing so. Positioning yourself as the victim of your friend's 'crappy' behaviour is not helpful. Your friend has the right to choose who she wants to be friends with, as do you.

dellas1979

Friend problem wrote: »

When it would have made far more sense to arrange to meet after dinner for a drink.

This is tricky now, because also she is not doing you any favours, but youre not doing yourself any favours either (its a bit passive agressive).

Why didnt you suggest "Cant now, but Im free later for a drink".

Why dont you do the suggesting, instead of the running?

I can count on one hand friends Id trust with my life (who have my best interests at heart) or who Id run for. The rest then are "friend acquaintances". Then "acquaintances". And I know what Id do and go through for each of those categories.

I was out last night with "friend acquaintances". Great night. I wont see/speak to one of them for 2/3 months now. And thats grand.

This girl from what you describe falls into "friend acquaintance". Friends, but a surface level friendship. Nothing deep. And thats ok.

Put energy into the more meaningful friendships. If you dont have that right now, build it up. I hope you realise from this (again), who to put your energy into. If not, the lesson will just keep repeating itself.