Advice Please

LegacyUser

Hi I'm looking for some advice, particularly from woman who've come out of long term relationships. I'm seeing this girl(mid twenties) who's not long out of a 7 year relationship. She made it very clear at the start that she was only looking for a bit of fun, nothing too serious. She told me stories of her ex being very controlling and at times abusive and while she definitely had an alluring quality that attracted me to her in the first place she was also quite mentally fragile from that relationship.

So from the start I made an extra effort to be that positive, fun, non complicated guy in her life, we've been meeting once or twice a week, get on really well, sex is fantastic, always setting the next date before the current one is over, and in the space of 3 months I've seen her confidence and general happiness grow so much from when I met her first which is obviously great. Only thing is my feelings towards her have also increased during this period.

Just a little background on myself, I was pretty tragic with girls in school and most of college but my self belief increased a great deal last two/three years I've enjoyed many dates/shortish relationship/casual flings and would have no problem going out any night and approaching and getting a girls number anymore.

So I was obviously all for the terms that this current girl outlined at the start. I personally haven't felt the urge to be with anyone else since I've been seeing her(which is unusual for me). I haven't asked her whether she's dating anyone else, but kinda at the point were that idea would bother me a little to be honest. I've been purposely avoiding inviting her places with my friends or family just so we'd not get questions over the title of our relationship as to not pressurise her into labelling it something it's not or may not be. But at this point I'd love to indroduce her to those close to me as my girlfriend. Kinda funny that the most meaningless relationship I've had on paper feels the most meaningfull, like there's definitely a mutual strong level of attraction.

This leads me to my question. Should I tell her how I feel about her or not? Leaning towards no personally as think the worst case scenario outweighs the best. Like if I tell her and even if she does have similar feelings towards me I think there's a good chance she'll end it as she's probably needs her freedom for a while, which is perfectly understandable. The optimist inside me is saying go for it, but not sure if I'm ready to potentially give up what's probably the best sex of my life. Opinions?

Jasper_

She needs to s**t or get off the pot OP.

You are in a place where you want a proper relationship with this girl. If you ask her for this and she ends what you currently have - be glad that you afforded yourself the opportunity to get out so soon.

piperh

I think a gentle question like " a few of us are meeting up Saturday night, do you fancy coming? " might be a start. It leads to a more formal footing without it being to serious. The worst she's going to say is no I'm busy.

Merkin

She has explicitly told you that she's in it for NSA and I think in a situation like this you have to take people at their word. In saying that, people can and do change their minds so on that basis I'd come clean. Either way, you're not being honest with her or yourself if you continue on pretending that you're entirely happy with the status quo when clearly you're not.

Be honest and then it could either be the start of something really great between you as a bona fide couple or it will at least allow you to go and meet someone who wants the same thing. NSA arrangements only work when both parties want just that and nothing more. And you have to consider that if she is NOT interested in you romantically and yet you continue to sleep with her while secretly falling in love with her, you're going to find yourself deeply hurt if she herself goes and falls in love with a third party and drops you like a hot snot.

Take a punt m'dear. Faint heart and all that.....

woodchuck

I got out of a 7 year relationship over a year ago and started dating again not long afterwards. The first guy I met was actually really nice and maybe if the timing was different it could've developed into something more serious, but I soon realised that I just wasn't ready to jump headfirst into another serious relationship so soon. I've gone on a lot of dates and had a few short-term relationships this past year, and I think it's been good for me to help figure out the type of guy and relationship that I want. I felt that having spent the majority of my adult life with only one guy that I sort of missed out on that 'trial and error' phase of casual dating where people really learn what it is they want/need from a relationship. Although I think I have been open to something more serious developing if I was to meet the right person. Having said that though, I've recently realised that I'm finding it very hard to be completely open with another person based on my past experience and I'm looking into getting counselling to help overcome these issues (and like your girlfriend I had a very controlling ex and feel there was emotional abuse involved).

Sorry, maybe that's TMI, but just trying to give you some insight into the inner workings of the mind of a woman who has come out of a long term relationship I'm sure each situation is completely different though.

BUT the key thing here is that she's been completely up front with you that she's not looking for anything serious. But it sounds like you're falling head over heels for her. Do yourself a favour and have a conversation with her about all this!! There is of course a very realistic possibility that she still isn't looking for anything serious and she ends it there and then. If that's the case she'd really be doing you a favour in the long term by saving you even more heartache down the line. But there's also a chance that she could be feeling the same way and is willing to give things a go. You're never going to know what's going on in her head though unless you talk to her.

LegacyUser

Thanks guys.

Seeing her today, kinda like the idea a few posts up of just testing the waters with something small, it's my sister's birthday next week so I think I'll invite her to that and gauge the response.

Not usually this unassertive about things haha.

Chemical Byrne

Just a word of advice OP.

You mentioned a few times about the sex being the best ever.

You should never base the worth of a potential long term relationship on the quality of the sex. This is just the lust phase and it wears off after a few months.

Just bear it in mind and don't let sex cloud your judgement or how suitable she actually might be.

AngiePeach

I was engaged with a guy i have been in a relationship with for over 8 years and then broke it off.
When I started seeing a new guy I did not want anything too complicated which does not mean I didn't want any commitment whatsoever as I just didn't want to have pressure on me.

I started going out with this guy, this led to weekends away and spending more and more time together and with our friends..now I have a daughter with him and we are happy and in love.

You can never tell which feelings you may grow for someone in advance. Just try and understand yourself if this girl is into you and wants to keep being with you without a formal question.

this is my advice

LegacyUser

So I asked her to the sisters meal and she said she'd love to come so I guess the softly softly approach seems the best way forward.

Thanks again.