How do I tell them.

Madforsport

Hi everyone
I am married with two kids, one is seventeen the other is twelve.i also have a nineteen year old that they don't know about.I really think that they should know but I don't know how I should tell them.Please advice needed on what I should do.Also if anyone else was in a similar situation was the outcome a positive or negative experience on the family.

CollyFlower

I take it you're male and your 19 year old is from a previous relationship? am I right?

Tilly

You take them out of the home and tell them somewhere that means nothing to any of you. Be honest and tell them away from they're comfort zone.

I say this because I was td something like this when I was 12 and I'm glad it was in a cafe rather than my home as I always remember where I was told that news.

Same thing when we had to tell my mother my sister was dying, we were advised to tell our loved ones away from a place we frequent.

Madforsport

CollyFlower wrote: »

I take it you're male and your 19 year old is from a previous relationship? am I right?

Yes colly flower your right

CollyFlower

Does your wife know? If not, best tell her first,see how she wants to tell them.

Madforsport

CollyFlower wrote: »

Does your wife know? If not, best tell her first,see how she wants to tell them.

No she doesn't know.I don't think that she will be impressed but I do think that the kids should know.

piperh

Madforsport wrote: »

No she doesn't know.I don't think that she will be impressed but I do think that the kids should know.

Have you known all along or is it a recent discovery and do you have or want a relationship with the 19yr old? This will obviously have an impact on how you tell them and their reaction.

Firstly you need to tell your wife and this needs to be done as soon as possible. It should be done somewhere as neutral as possible as she will quite rightly be shocked, maybe angry and without a doubt hurt. You need to be prepared to accept this is your doing and need to be as supportive to her needs as possible but without ignoring your own or the innocent childs. Once your wife knows you can tell your other children, they have every right to know but will need a huge amount of reassuring you don't love them any less.

Stavro Mueller

I wonder would it also be worth asking this question in the Adoption forum? http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/forumdisplay.php?f=879 My thinking being that even if there aren't parents who gave their children up for adoption on there, some of the adopted people may have insights based on how their birth parents went about telling their families.

Madforsport

piperh wrote: »

Have you known all along or is it a recent discovery and do you have or want a relationship with the 19yr old? This will obviously have an impact on how you tell them and their reaction.

Firstly you need to tell your wife and this needs to be done as soon as possible. It should be done somewhere as neutral as possible as she will quite rightly be shocked, maybe angry and without a doubt hurt. You need to be prepared to accept this is your doing and need to be as supportive to her needs as possible but without ignoring your own or the innocent childs. Once your wife knows you can tell your other children, they have every right to know but will need a huge amount of reassuring you don't love them any less.

Hi piperh
I have always known about the 19th old and yes I would like to have a relationship with her. I know that her mother would not have a problem with it.

Stheno

Madforsport wrote: »

Hi piperh
I have always known about the 19th old and yes I would like to have a relationship with her. I know that her mother would not have a problem with it.

I think you should prepare to tell your wife first. With only two years age gap between your first two she may get a shock. I know I'd find it very difficult as your wife to learn you've kept this secret so long.

How long are you with your wife?

miamee

I'd agree with others to tell your wife first, let her digest and get her head around it and then decide together how to tell your children. It would be better for them if you and your wife tell them together and if their mam appears ok with it. Part of them will be very angry on her behalf as well as their own I'd imagine otherwise.

piperh

Madforsport wrote: »

Hi piperh
I have always known about the 19th old and yes I would like to have a relationship with her. I know that her mother would not have a problem with it.

I think the fact you have known and not told her might affect her reaction. She is clearly not going to get her head around it easily and will feel you've spent nearly 20 years lying to her. You need to put this right before even considering telling your children, not only for her sake but they will pick up ob any and all resentment or issues their mom has. This will then impact on their relationship and feelings towards their sibling.

You are going to be the villan in this so will have to accept everything thats thrown at you (not literally hopefully).

Shame it's taken so long but I applaud you for finally stepping up and good luck.

Madforsport

piperh wrote: »

I think the fact you have known and not told her might affect her reaction. She is clearly not going to get her head around it easily and will feel you've spent nearly 20 years lying to her. You need to put this right before even considering telling your children, not only for her sake but they will pick up ob any and all resentment or issues their mom has. This will then impact on their relationship and feelings towards their sibling.

You are going to be the villan in this so will have to accept everything thats thrown at you (not literally hopefully).

Shame it's taken so long but I applaud you for finally stepping up and good luck.

Well I am willing to sacrifice my marriage to put this right.

seventeen sheep

Madforsport wrote: »

Well I am willing to sacrifice my marriage to put this right.

How are things in your marriage now?

And why are you willing to sacrifice your marriage now, when you weren't for the last two decades? Is it a case that your marriage is in trouble already, or are things all good between you and your wife right now?

Stavro Mueller

You could also be sacrificing your relationship with your other two children.

Madforsport

seventeen sheep wrote: »

How are things in your marriage now?

And why are you willing to sacrifice your marriage now, when you weren't for the last two decades? Is it a case that your marriage is in trouble already, or are things all good between you and your wife right now?

I've come to realise that they should have a relationship with their sibling and so would I.
The marriage is not in trouble.

Madforsport

Stavro Mueller wrote: »

You could also be sacrificing your relationship with your other two children.

Maybe in the short term but I think that overall it's the right thing to do

piperh

Madforsport wrote: »

Well I am willing to sacrifice my marriage to put this right.

Done right hopefully this won't be necessary because that may also damage your relationship with the other 2 children who would undoubtedly then resent you and their sibling.

My advice is to tell your wife, eat humble pie making it clear you know you were in the wrong keeping it from her. I don't know but would guess that at the beginning you were young, stupid and scared of losing her if you told her and as the years passed it got harder. If this is the case tell her. Now is the time for complete honesty no half truths including the fact you want a relationship with the 19yr old and while you will take your wifes feelings into account this is not negotiable.

Once your wife has her head straight then tell the other 2 and hopefully once they realise your other child not going to take away or dilute your love for them then after a few tears and tantrums they will accept their sibling.

LegacyUser

Madforsport wrote: »

Hi piperh
I have always known about the 19th old and yes I would like to have a relationship with her. I know that her mother would not have a problem with it.

If you've know about them for 19years why do you suddenly want to have a relationship with them now? Have you had no contact with them until recently? Why didn't you tell your wife about them before? Just trying to figure out what has changed recently to promote this move on your behalf.

LegacyUser

My told me I had a brother in my teens, he was 10 years younger than me. This was after not seeing him for over 10 years.

So I can give you advice on how it went from my side. Shes 19 its a little late to want a relationship be prepared for that. And if she does its not going to be how you imagine it as she didnt grow up with you. The best you can hope for is friends with her.
I do not and still dont 15 years later have any sibling feelings towards my fathers son, I dont keep in touch with either of them. To me hes not my family.

Again this is how it turned out for me and my sisters, could well be different for you. But I would be prepared that it wont be. Just because you are blood does not make you family.

Best of Luck.

bee06

I agree that you need to tell your wife first and let her deal with it before you the your children. How your children react will probably depend on how your wife deals with it.

On the positive side I know someone who was in a similar situation but they were in their twenties. They found out their dad had an older child and they dealt with it really well even though they had no idea for so long. They are now in regular contact with their new sibling. I hope it's the same for you.

Reassuring your children that nothing in your relationship with them will change will be important and if your daughter does want to have a relationship with you keep a level head about it in front of your other children. Going over the top with her could make your other children resent her and you.

Big Bag of Chips

Is your wife the mother of your other children? If so then of course she should have a say in how and when you tell them. You need to tell her first, let her get her head round it and then tell your kids. I know you want to make this right, but you've had 19 years, why the sudden rush?

You've carried this secret for 20 years. Do your own family know, your parents, siblings? It is going to feel like a huge betrayal to your children but if it's handled properly it doesn't need to feel like that for too long.

Has the 19 year old contacted you? Is that why this is suddenly urgent?

Madforsport

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Is your wife the mother of your other children? If so then of course she should have a say in how and when you tell them. You need to tell her first, let her get her head round it and then tell your kids. I know you want to make this right, but you've had 19 years, why the sudden rush?

You've carried this secret for 20 years. Do your own family know, your parents, siblings? It is going to feel like a huge betrayal to your children but if it's handled properly it doesn't need to feel like that for too long.

Has the 19 year old contacted you? Is that why this is suddenly urgent?

No the 19yr old doesn't know but her mother doesn't have a problem with her knowing.
I would have talked about it years ago but I taught that it would be better if the kids were older and yes my wife is the mother of the two younger children.

Big Bag of Chips

Well then you have time to organise this. Talk of losing your marriage if necessary is premature. Are you equally prepared to lose your other two children if it comes to it?

When dealing with this please remember your wife and children are completely innocent in all this. So if they get angry, annoyed, upset etc then you have to accept that.. And you have to accept it without getting angry back. You have to think further down the road than next week. I assume you were planning on spending the next 40 years or so with your wife? Try keep that in mind and don't say anything in anger that you mightn't really mean... But accept that she MIGHT say something!!

You know this is coming... They don't. Just be mindful of that when you are telling them.

Big Bag of Chips

bee06 wrote: »

Going over the top with her could make your other children resent her and you.

Just to comment about this, be careful.. Your posts are coming across as quite "gushing". You seem over excited and thrilled. Which is understandable as you're about to make contact with your child. But realise your 19 year old daughter may love that, or she may be freaked out by it. Your kids might not be so understanding if they see you dropping your wife and by extension them, just "to make this right" with a girl who is a stranger to them, and you.

This can go really well, it recently happened in my own family, although in their case the wife knew all along, but the kids didn't. And everyone is delighted with how it worked out. But just be careful of putting this girl on a pedestal. She may be uncomfortable with that, and your other kids (and wife) could very easily feel pushed aside.

Edit: Also, I take it from your posts that you are in contact with your ex? This will feel like another betrayal to your wife. You have to take a step back and look at this from her perspective. I have a feeling that if they react badly when you tell them, that you could say "this is how it is, deal with it"... but I really hope you don't!

LegacyUser

I think you're being incredibly selfish OP, and seem to have absolutely no respect for your 19 year old daughter, or any regard for her feelings.

I mean you basically washed your hands of her and wanted nothing to do with her for 19 years, she may not be over joyed at the fact that now you suddenly allegedly care about her and want to make contact, 3 kids in tow.

Have you considered at all that your daughter may not want all these new siblings just landed on her without a thought for how overwhelming it may be for her, or how it may make her feel, her "dad" couldn't be bothered having any input in her life for 19 years, but his other 3 kids were for some reason worthy of his love when she wasn't, and now her absent father expects her to play happy families with them?.

The very very very least you owe this girl is to tell her that you're her dad and she has 3 siblings, BEFORE you mention anything to her half brothers and sisters. It is up to HER to decide if she wants any contact with them, and it should absolutely be on her terms, not yours or your kids.

LegacyUser

just a note of caution, the 19 year old may not want the type of relationship you are expecting. I have been that child and although i was much younger at 12 when i first met my father it just wasn't the same , was a stranger and not my Dad no matter how hard i tried. Granted every situation is different but think it through as this decision could change your whole life. wish you all the best in whatever you do

seventeen sheep

Can I ask, have you been supporting this girl financially all of these years? And if so, hasn't your wife ever questioned where that money was going?

Also, was there any overlap between whatever relationship you had with her mother, and when you started into a relationship with your now wife?

You mentioned that you know the girl's mother wouldn't have a problem with you getting in touch with your daughter - how do you know this, and do you know how your daughter feels about it?

Oink

You've hidden the truth from your wife for quite a while (not judging btw), so don't expect her to be overjoyed. It will be a shock for her. But give her some credit - What if she gives you loving support once she gets over it? The idea is not so far-fetched.

If you land that on her children without her knowledge you will be in trouble, and rightly so. Or if you wait for her to find out on her own one day.

But I would tell your daughter before the other children, definitely.

Oryx

On your side of this, your wife is key in it all. If your kids see that you have hurt her and ruptured their family, they may never get over that. To you this is something you want to put right, to them it is 20 years of deceit. Thats going to be hard to get past.

And you seem to have tunnel vision here. Its all about your relationship with your daughter and how great its going to be when your family is whole. But the only thing joining these people is your dna. They are strangers. Discovering each other is going to be hugely traumatic for them. You don't seem to have considered that.

And lastly you marriage which you seem to be actively trying to destroy. Your lack of concern about it it telling. You may be using your long lost daughter to insert fulfilment into your life, or because your life is stale and you desperately need to change things. Not fair on anyone concerned. Whatever way this goes it certainly won't be the fairytale happy family you imagine.

Madforsport

Selfishabsentfather wrote: »

I think you're being incredibly selfish OP, and seem to have absolutely no respect for your 19 year old daughter, or any regard for her feelings.

I mean you basically washed your hands of her and wanted nothing to do with her for 19 years, she may not be over joyed at the fact that now you suddenly allegedly care about her and want to make contact, 3 kids in tow.

Have you considered at all that your daughter may not want all these new siblings just landed on her without a thought for how overwhelming it may be for her, or how it may make her feel, her "dad" couldn't be bothered having any input in her life for 19 years, but his other 3 kids were for some reason worthy of his love when she wasn't, and now her absent father expects her to play happy families with them?.

The very very very least you owe this girl is to tell her that you're her dad and she has 3 siblings, BEFORE you mention anything to her half brothers and sisters. It is up to HER to decide if she wants any contact with them, and it should absolutely be on her terms, not yours or your kids.

If you say I washed my hands of her well yes I did but an the time her mother was in a relationship. And I agree with you that she should be told first and it would be up to her to decide on what should happen after that.

Big Bag of Chips

Her mother was in a relationship? So does your daughter think that that fella is her dad? She doesn't know about you, so who does she think her dad is?

You are really skipping over your wife here... Do you care how this will affect her?

Edit: And if the mother was in a relationship how can you even be certain the girl is yours? Did that fella believe himself to be the father? Does your daughter believe he is her father? Has he been supporting her all these years? This is messier than you first said.

Tread very very carefully.

LegacyUser

I'm sorry ,but I don't think you've thought this through at all , and I certainly don't think you've thought of anyone's feelings except your own !
First of all , you've deceived your wife for years and are willing to sacrifice your marriage in order to put this right ? How noble of you !! Do you not think that your wife deserves to be the first one you tell about this ? Do you not believe that you should be doing everything in your power to soften the blow and deal with the devastation that you will cause her , knowing that you have another child and you've been in touch with this childs mother behind her back for all these years ( albeit platonically ) ?? You say you're marriage is fine , but it sounds to me like you don't care too much about her feelings .
Secondly , shouldn't you ascertain whether of not your daughter wants to get to know her father before you land this on your children ? What happens if you tell them and then they want to meet a sister who wants nothing to do with them ? You quite obviously need to establish that before you talk to them .
Thirdly , your children should absolutely NOT find out about this until your wife has come to terms with it all and you know what direction your marriage is headed in . Your children don't need the added worry of wondering whether or not their parents are going to spilt up , whilst at the same time trying to come to terms with all of this .
Whilst I believe you are right to want to establish a relationship with your daughter ( albeit 19 years too late ) and for her to meet her half siblings , I believe that you haven't thought any of this through . The feelings and needs of your wife and children and that of your daughter should take priority over yours.

Stavro Mueller

Seeing as the 19 year old's mother was in a relationship at the time, are you sure that this is your child at all?

Daisy03

I think you should really think about how you tell your family. Is your 17 year old doing their leaving cert this year? It may sound silly but if so, telling him/her they have a long lost sister could have a massive effect on them during what is a very important year.

LegacyUser

OP You still haven't answered as to why this sudden urge to tell everyone. While I do think the 19 year old has a right to know her father and half siblings, you need to think careful about the hows and whys before you flip so many peoples lives up side down.

From what you've posted the only people who know are you and the 19 year olds mother. Your wife, and two kids with her don't know and the 19 year old doesn't know. Has the 19 year old asked her mother to meet you? Is that what is pushing this? Have you had any sort of relationship with your daughter? Was her mother keeping you updated on her all the way along?

You seem really excited to have this relationship, why is that and what sort of relationship do you think your going to have after not being there for her for the past 19 years? You risk alienating your other two children if you don't handle this correctly. Be ready for all three children to be very angry at you and maybe for a long time.

Teyla Emmagan

I think you should take your wife out of her comfort zone when you tell her, never mind the kids. Try somewhere very public, like a cafe. Or a Garda station. Try and make sure there is also something solid between you, like a wall.

seventeen sheep

Be aware that, as your daughter is now possibly in college, there may be an expectation from her and her mother that - if you want to step up and be her father now - there's no reason you shouldn't help with college fees. Especially if you haven't been paying maintenance all along. It could realistically be an issue. How are your wife and children going to feel if that money comes from savings that had been earmarked for your other children's education?

You seem intent on doing the "right thing" but for all the wrong reasons. It really doesn't seem you've thought this through. And you know, I'm not necessarily saying you shouldn't get to know your daughter. But the only person whose feelings you seem to care about are your own. You are blasé about possibly ending your marriage and destroying your whole family over this, when you don't even know if this daughter - an adult now - has any interest in ever meeting you. (Her mother's feelings on the matter are really irrelevant if your daughter doesn't want to know you.) You realise if you and your wife split up, most likely she and your children will remain in the family home. You will be left living on your own, two kids pissed off with you, a tentative relationship at best with the third.

I think you need to take off the rose-tinted glasses. Maybe telling your wife is the right thing to do - but I think you should focus closer to home, and consider all the people who could potentially be hurt by you doing the "right" thing. Why is it so important to get to know this woman that you'd sacrifice your relationship so easily with the two children you already have?

sReq | uTeK

Been in this situation, but my mother knew. My dad had a child to another women before my parents met, he told her and was up front about it. My dads other child was raised by another man from more or less his birth. My father has always stayed in touch with his son but we were never told until I was 21.......... More annoyingly some of my friends would have know but never said anything.

End of the day all I cared for initially was that did my mother knew....hence why your wife should be your 1st port of call heer to discuss this with, even before the 19 year old. If you go laying the foundation and this 19 year old decides lovely, I'd like to meet my new family, then you run it by your wife and she is against it....well you'll have fun mending that. Your wife has as much say in whether she wants you to tell your children as you do. it should be a join decision.

I honestly think you have your head in the clouds for the way you're approaching this, numerous people on here have told you how they have been the kids in this situation and how they reacted yet you seem to disregard this and keep going on, are you going to continue till you get someone who validates what you're doing?

It's been nearly 9 years since I found out I had a half brother, I've still not met him or his family, my sister has as has most of my other family. I haven't yet, hopefully I will some day when the time is right.

Thread with caution.

It also bewilders me that you have a good marriage and are willing to sacrifice tearing up a home and disrupting your children's lives because you've not taken the time to consider the ramifications of your actions.

I'd like to add that I hold ZERO resentment towards my father, whilst I was annoyed I wasn't told earlier, he had told my mother before hand and when they both thought it fit to tell me, I was told.

A JOINT DECISION.

Chemical Byrne

Madforsport wrote: »

I've come to realise that they should have a relationship with their sibling and so would I.
The marriage is not in trouble.

Well it certainly is now.

A good marriage is based on honesty and trust, you have basically LIED to your wife and children for the past two decades and now you are landing them with this. This is a game changer, it would be for me anyway. Why on earth did you keep this a secret for 20 yrs? No offence, but this was a dick move of the highest order. Just saying.

Out of curiosity, why suddenly now, do you want a relationship with the 19 yo daughter? Knowing that her father rejected and abandoned her, she might well want nothing to do with a dead-beat like you, and understandably so. You are effectively a random stranger to her who happens to share some genes. You are not her "dad" as such, so get that notion out of your head.

Just playing devils advocate here, but say you land your new family with this news and it breaks the marriage, then you try starting up a relationship with your 19 yo daughter and she asks where have you been and tells you to get lost, where does that leave you? I'm not saying that will happen, but it is a possibility and you should be prepared for it.

I apologise for some of the scathing comments but to be honest you haven't covered yourself in glory here. You've put yourself in this situation. Your focus should not be on starting a relationship with 19 yo, it should be about breaking this to your family in as digestible a way as possible. You are going to be in the bad books for a while yet, man. You have little sympathy from me I can tell you, this sort of abandonment is something that grinds my gears in a big way. It's pretty low.

power pants

be prepared for your wife to also question what type of man would ignore their daughter for 19 years and hide the fact of her existence. It would certainly change my opinion of any man or woman who did this.

As others have said, do you know for 100% you are the actual father?

From personal experience, my child is almost 7 and already has little to no desire to see their mum due to her never being in her life much at all, so you will have a lot of work to do to build bridges with your 19 year old

osarusan

OP, to be honest it seems like you have only thought about what this will mean for you, not anybody else.

Who are the people who will be affected by this coming out:

the 19-year old girl herself - what a bolt from the blue it will be for her. How will she feel about it? Will she be happy to hear about a father who (for whatever reason) has been a secret until now? Has she believed for the last 19 years that her father was actually somebody else? Will it change her relationship with her mother? What has her mother told her until now?

the mother of the 19-year old - how does she feel about this? How will it impact on her life? Has she been lying to somebody for the last 19 years about this girl? How will this affect her relationship with that person?

The guy who thinks he's the girl's father (if this person exists) - what impact will it have on him and his relationship with both the mother (who lied to him, and possibly, given the timeline, cheated on him) and also the 19-year old (who is no longer his biological daughter?

Have you considered this at all?

and that's only one side of it - you have your own family to think about.

Your wife - how do you think she will take the news that her husband has hidden this (fairly massive) secret from her for so long? Were you in a relationship with her when you got the other woman pregnant? How is she going to feel about a husband who either squirreled away money from her secretly, or else didn't support the secret child at all?

your own kids - what will their reaction be to this bombshell? Do you think it will be positive or negative? Will they want to meet their half-sister? How will they feel about you bringing her into their lives?

And that's only the immediate families....

Man, there are so many landmines hidden there I don't know where to start. There are serious, potentially life-changing, consequences for you sharing this information with people.


Please, before you do something, examine what it is you want to do, and what the consequences will be for everybody concerned.

Big Bag of Chips

You also need to take into account all the other lives, aunties, uncles, cousins, grandparents, on ALL sides, yours, your wife's, the mother's, the supposed father (if there is one).

Yes, your wife and your children (all of them) are the most important people in this, but many many others are also going to be affected by the revelation. Just prepare yourself for the ripple effect when you do tell people.