Am I blind to what people see???

hollster2

Hi hoping to get some outside advice ill try to make this as short as possible, ok starts off Ive a now an ex partner and we have 3 children together 8 5 and 2 before we broke up we were 12 years together, weve had our ups and downs and very hard times but we stuck together.

We always had problems with money he was working I gave up my job when I became pregnant and I never ended up going back so I at home with the children so its was him Having all the responsibiltys of rent bills etc even though we got help off sw we still found it tough.

Then he was told hed be put to 3 days and this put loads pressure on us we had to wait weeks for a family income supplement to come in to help us and i could see him changing over few weeks he seemed depressed all the time and had got into company he knew form when he was in school I though this guy was ok but as time went on he was going over there all the time even not comin home for his birthday when we had a little party and cake wed made this hurt me so much and kids I had to put them to bed and say he had to work late.

I noticed he was losing weight and sleeping loads then I got a text that made me turn white It was off this guys girlfriend saying he and my partner had been takin valuim and he took first one when he was struggling to pay bills and everything to try relax him.

I pulled him up on this and he just cried and said he was sorry I brought him to the docs next day and got him help but he fell back into it again and ended up very depressed I tried every place I could to get him in and was turned away.

We moved then near my parents and were all doing ok until he went downhill again and I ended up getting an ambulance one day as he had harmed himself this was so heartbreaking but hospital let him go couldnt hellp and let him come home.

It was that day it all went wrong he ended up arriving at my mum and dads house and wrecking the cars house everything.

Long story short hes got better and Is now not drinking or anything for 2 years he gets regular tests and is now in college studying subsatnce abuse and trying to help others in a different situation the kids see him and weve being getting along im still in my parents and hes elsewhere.

Everything thats going on ive ended up so depressed again im trying to please everyone my parents and family arent happy with the situation now but I feel im doing the best for my kids seeing there dad am I not?

We spent the christmas with him the 2 weeks and it was grand do drama nothing kids were upset leaving him.

So Now its all back to routine and I decided id like to go for lunch one day and ask one of my friends no reply until the next day sayin she had to be honest and the she was annoyed I spent the christmas with him and she feels hes controlling me which and I say hes not one bit I got a bit upset teh only thing im doing is trying to make my kids life happy not to feel broken is this girl right to be angry or am I pushing everyine away?

sorry for the long post and if theres any mistakes a bit upset now I feel so alone!

strandroad

Actually it's the friend who seems to be controlling.
You seem to be aware of the pitfalls and quite reasonable in how you proceed.

Was she there to pick up the pieces when you were going through a tough period?

hollster2

mhge wrote: »

Actually it's the friend who seems to be controlling.
You seem to be aware of the pitfalls and quite reasonable in how you proceed.

Was she there to pick up the pieces when you were going through a tough period?

yes she was ive only known her since what happened in my parents and she seen get upset over him but hes been ok over the last few months she said she would like to me to go out more stuff like that if im honest I dont drink smoke and im not into pubs/clubs reasons why I dont go out plus the fact ive 3 children and dont just want to dump on there dad or my mum and dad and go out and get drunk not my scene.

ABajaninCork

Your girlfriend sounds like an idiot, throwing her toys out of the pram because you've got kids and made other arrangements. Did she even indicate she wanted you to spend time with her over Christmas?

Get you some new friends!

stargazer 68

Op in fairness I can see where she is coming from. She helped you pick up the pieces after you split up - she saw the damage he did as did other people. You say your parents and family aren't happy with the situation either - so they have concerns too. There is a difference between the kids seeing their father and you all spending Christmas together.

You say he has changed - and its probably true however they are simply looking out for you and are possibly afraid you will go down that road again and they have to do it all over again.

You dont need to go out to the pub to get drunk etc but everyone needs a night out now and then. Im pretty sure your parents wouldn't mind looking after their grandchildren for a few hours every now and then.

hollster2

ABajaninCork wrote: »

Your girlfriend sounds like an idiot, throwing her toys out of the pram because you've got kids and made other arrangements. Did she even indicate she wanted you to spend time with her over Christmas?

Get you some new friends!

She has a child too and no never just said she was spending it with her family.

hollster2

Dovies wrote: »

Op in fairness I can see where she is coming from. She helped you pick up the pieces after you split up - she saw the damage he did as did other people. You say your parents and family aren't happy with the situation either - so they have concerns too. There is a difference between the kids seeing their father and you all spending Christmas together.

You say he has changed - and its probably true however they are simply looking out for you and are possibly afraid you will go down that road again and they have to do it all over again.

You dont need to go out to the pub to get drunk etc but everyone needs a night out now and then. Im pretty sure your parents wouldn't mind looking after their grandchildren for a few hours every now and then.

Thats trus its just so hard tryin to please everyone and have such a great weight on my shoulders, I Know shes looking out for me but im trying to explain stuff to people they dont know what it feels like to be me and to have alL this pressure, Feel like im going down hill after getting through it all and being ok to bang its all coming back

hollster2

I really appretiate people replying and being honest I just feel like ive noone else to talk to!

strandroad

hollster2 wrote: »

yes she was ive only known her since what happened in my parents and she seen get upset over him but hes been ok over the last few months she said she would like to me to go out more stuff like that if im honest I dont drink smoke and im not into pubs/clubs reasons why I dont go out plus the fact ive 3 children and dont just want to dump on there dad or my mum and dad and go out and get drunk not my scene.

She has reasons to be concerned but she's not articulating them well. You can still be friends just improve communication...

LegacyUser

OP from the way you've written things yes your friend seems like she is being unreasonable but your writing things from your perspective so yes there may be things you can't see (and we can't see those either as we only have your perspective on things) Your family and friends are seeing things from their perspective and they are a step or two removed from the situation so maybe they see more then you or maybe they are being over protective as they saw what happened before. Your OH's actions may have coloured their view of him and they find it hard to see what has changed with him and it is hard for them to see things from your view. Your kids deserve to see their father as long as he is not a danger to them, physically or emotionally, so you are always going to be in each others lives.

Have you spoke to your GP about your own depression. Working so hard to help him you have to remember not forget yourself as well.

meeeeh

hollster2 wrote: »

Thats trus its just so hard tryin to please everyone and have such a great weight on my shoulders, I Know shes looking out for me but im trying to explain stuff to people they dont know what it feels like to be me and to have alL this pressure, Feel like im going down hill after getting through it all and being ok to bang its all coming back

It is very hard to make sense of her reaction on the basis of what you have written here. Is there any chance your friend was around when everything went mental few years ago. I would say there was quiet a bit to your partners addiction, he was on drugs, self harming and wrecking the house and car. You were in abusive relationship. It might have been caused by substance abuse but it was still abusive relationship. I would be worried that those 14 days are just the beginning of you going back to your partner. And as nice as he sounds now, I would act very carefully. I'm all for second chances but huge amount of addicts do relapse.

I don't agree with your friend's reaction but I do understand why she is worried and why I suspect she would like you to meet someone elese.

Tasden

hollster2 wrote: »

Thats trus its just so hard tryin to please everyone and have such a great weight on my shoulders, I Know shes looking out for me but im trying to explain stuff to people they dont know what it feels like to be me and to have alL this pressure, Feel like im going down hill after getting through it all and being ok to bang its all coming back

I think this is what your friend is worried about. You did get through it all and you were ok. You were strong and removed yourself and your kids from that situation and you stayed strong for them. Maybe now your friend thinks that spending Christmas with him is a slippery slope and you may end up going back to him and into another situation like before after all the hard work you've done to get away from it.

hollster2

Tasden wrote: »

I think this is what your friend is worried about. You did get through it all and you were ok. You were strong and removed yourself and your kids from that situation and you stayed strong for them. Maybe now your friend thinks that spending Christmas with him is a slippery slope and you may end up going back to him and into another situation like before after all the hard work you've done to get away from it.

Thats exactly whay she said to me I know in myself its not good for my kids.

hollster2

meeeeh wrote: »

It is very hard to make sense of her reaction on the basis of what you have written here. Is there any chance your friend was around when everything went mental few years ago. I would say there was quiet a bit to your partners addiction, he was on drugs, self harming and wrecking the house and car. You were in abusive relationship. It might have been caused by substance abuse but it was still abusive relationship. I would be worried that those 14 days are just the beginning of you going back to your partner. And as nice as he sounds now, I would act very carefully. I'm all for second chances but huge amount of addicts do relapse.

I don't agree with your friend's reaction but I do understand why she is worried and why I suspect she would like you to meet someone elese.

I only know here 2years since all this has happened so she never seen anything of it, I still have my witts about me and I know he wouldnt harm them.

hollster2

can't log in wrote: »

OP from the way you've written things yes your friend seems like she is being unreasonable but your writing things from your perspective so yes there may be things you can't see (and we can't see those either as we only have your perspective on things) Your family and friends are seeing things from their perspective and they are a step or two removed from the situation so maybe they see more then you or maybe they are being over protective as they saw what happened before. Your OH's actions may have coloured their view of him and they find it hard to see what has changed with him and it is hard for them to see things from your view. Your kids deserve to see their father as long as he is not a danger to them, physically or emotionally, so you are always going to be in each others lives.

Have you spoke to your GP about your own depression. Working so hard to help him you have to remember not forget yourself as well.

I havent spoken to her eyet and shes knows of everything that went on I think I shoukd go back even to talk I know in myself I need to sort it

Shrap

hollster2 wrote: »

Thats trus its just so hard tryin to please everyone and have such a great weight on my shoulders, I Know shes looking out for me but im trying to explain stuff to people they dont know what it feels like to be me and to have alL this pressure, Feel like im going down hill after getting through it all and being ok to bang its all coming back

hollster2 wrote: »

I really appretiate people replying and being honest I just feel like ive noone else to talk to!

Ah god, I feel for you hollster. You've been through so much and always put the kids first, and you still are. You don't owe anyone an explanation for how you're considering your kid's relationships with their Dad to be so important that you - in a hugely adult, mature and fair minded way, organise Christmas to include your ex and spend time as a family.

It's really difficult when you know you need to talk things over and be supported in your actions (cos you're going it alone) and your best friend is dim enough to say you've been getting it wrong. I went through a lot of difficulty with my ex and always put the kid's relationship with him before my feelings too, and my best friend was often of the "Fcuk him, why do you keep letting him away with it?" mind. I remember being drained enough and not able to answer her that I ended up flipping out at her and telling her off for the pressure she was putting on when I needed support.

Best thing that happened me for support was getting a psychologist through the GP. She was lovely. It was so necessary to unburden myself of all my fears about how I was handling things. Can you go say this to your GP?

On the subject of you feeling like you're going downhill after getting through it all. SO common. Your strength in getting through it all and taking the right decisions on behalf of your kids, and your ex, has been tremendous, but now you are feeling the effects of that. All the emotions that you couldn't let yourself feel at the time for fear of breaking down and not managing the job of being so strong, have now come flooding in and your friend has been tipping the balance by adding to your already overloaded emotional state.

I don't want to head into medical advice here, but sometimes anti-depressants allow you to take some distance from your emotions and give you the space to work on how you're feeling. If your GP recommends them, alongside counselling, they could be beneficial to you. I know I might get modded for this advice, but I'm really recommending that you speak to your GP.

Anyhow, I think you've done a fantastic job and you're a fantastic mother doing what she has to do. Fair play to you, and I hope the pressure (some of it you're putting on yourself with questioning whether you're doing the right thing all the time) eases up and you find the strength to tell your friend to back off about your decision making.

Thinking of you, best of luck hon.

Ps. I know how hard it is when the kids miss their Dad and lay it on you when you're taking them away. This will get better, I promise. Stay strong and firm and fair even when they may accuse you for leaving him, or kick off as soon as they're home. They're the only ones you need to be strong in front of now. Everyone else can go jump in a lake. Don't be afraid to enlist their Dad for help with their behaviour though. Sometimes a phonecall from the Da to a child to say this is the way it is, so don't give your mother trouble about it might help?

hollster2

Thanks for your post shrap your on the button with everything yes I want him in there lives no matter what yes we have are bad time but i do hope it gets better, I was on antidepressants before and i took them for 9 mths then doc took me off them I was like a zombie all time even tried diff one i have been to councelling but I didnt think i needed it anymore even this talking on here had helped me a little thanks to all who replied to me!