Pressure to perform

the_sonandmoon

Hello. This is going to be a long one, hopefully some of you lovely people will get a chance to read through it.

We have been (quite actively) TTC since November, so still early days. We got married at the end of October. Fabulous, loved-up honeymoon for a week, with loads of sexy times. But at the start of November, we had to put everything on hold - family issues meant we had to move into a siblings house for a month to take care of their children while they were away sorting out some mental health issues. Very little BDing happening for that month tbh. November's AF came and went. We managed to get back to our own house just in time for my FW in early December. Lots of BDing, but also an awful lot of Christmas shenanigans, way too much boozing and smoking, and more tbh. In the back of my mind, by the end of Christmas, I knew something wasn't right. I was late. So, on Dec 29th, at about 7-10 days late (my usually regular cycle had been a tiny bit off the previous month, I put it down to the stress of the wedding, immediately followed by this family issue). POAS, expecting it to be nothing, but to my surprise and absolute sheer joy there was that lovely second line. My husband and I were over the moon! We went into town that day, and even though we were trying to keep ourselves in check, we couldn't help but be excited. I bought "What to Expect when you're Expecting", got decaff coffee, and kept googling what foods I could and couldn't eat. Such a lovely, exciting afternoon, making plans, imagining the pregnancy and the baby that would arrive around my husbands birthday.

I had booked to go to the dr that afternoon. But before we got there, I realised something wasn't right. When I checked, there was blood. By the time I got to the dr., and did another test, it was negative. I was experiencing a very early miscarriage. The next few days were tough. But we just battened down the hatches and minded each other, and got through it. I kept telling myself that if I hadn't done the test, I wouldn't have ever known I was pregnant, and that it probably happens to people all the time without their knowing.

Since then, I have been blaming myself for my behaviour at Christmas. I keep thinking, well, of course that baby didn't survive, what kind of an environment were you creating for it with all that boozing and smoking etc. - I wouldn't want to live there either. I haven't had a drink or a cigarette since. I am back hitting the gym hard, eating really well, and tracking my cycle. To be honest, I'm being a little obsessive about it. I cant stop thinking about the baby that could have been, about how we would have been telling people soon about it (next month), and how I would have been feeling at this stage in pregnancy, and how big the baby would have grown at this stage. I feel that the only way to move on is to get pregnant again. So I have been dying for my FW to arrive. And now it has.

I have been trying to keep the crazy under wraps from my husband. We have each been taking pre-conception drugs, and occasionally I will come home with a bag of pecans or brussel sprouts or some other food I have read is good for fertility, and he will laugh at how crazy I am, if only he knew how much more consuming it really is! But, I kind of knew that if he knew that I feel I cant fill the void that this miscarriage (or chemical pregnancy) created, he would feel serious pressure to make me pregnant. And that kind of pressure isn't going to help him in the bedroom. So instead, I approached it from the angle that now we know he can do his part, he has already got me pregnant. Now its time for me to keep it. Even with this approach though, we have had a few episodes during this FW where he has lost his steam, as it were, during sex and has admitted that it is because he is putting this pressure on himself. I told him there was no pressure, but I also told him I'm in my FW, and I want to be BDing, and that I'm getting frustrated. I since have tried to backtrack on this, telling him that we should just leave the TTC for a while and just go back to having stress free sex. In my heart though, I know I am not the NTNP type. This is my latest obsession, and I wont be able to let it go until either I get pregnant, or know for sure that it isn't going to happen for us.

Now I don't know what to do. He is my best friend, I talk to him about everything. But if I talk to him about this, then I know I will be putting even more pressure on him. I want him to know how important this is to me, and that my FW will have passed in the next day or two, and that I will be obsessing over this until my next cycle. Hopefully, in the meantime, we can talk about this and try to resolve the pressure he is feeling, and I will have learned to chill the f**k out a bit.

So really, what I am looking for is some advice from anyone who has been in a similar situation. How do you deal with your man when the pressure to perform becomes too much, without putting even more pressure on him.

eviltwin

I'm very sorry to hear about your loss. The fact you conceived quickly is a great sign so you shouldn't worry. It's great that you are being more mindful of your health but don't obsess over it. Life is for living. You managed to conceive while eating, drinking etc before, there is no reason why it won't happen again. I understand the guilt that comes from a loss, it's natural to think back about what you should have done but you are not to blame. Approx one quarter of all pregnancies end in miscarriage, there is nothing you can do. Maybe you need to give yourself time to come to terms with the loss, get some closure so you can move forward guilt free because when you do become pregnant you're likely to obsess about everything then as well unless you sort it out now. You can't be perfect and you don't have to be. You need to be able to have fun too because if it's not fun what's the point?

pwurple

I'd say forget about this cycle... next time you get to your fertile week don't tell him what week it is. Just stick on some sexy undies and off you go.

edited to add, that was a abit short. I have been in that situation... both had miscarriage, and pressure during ttc. I know you can't take your own mind off it, but you can leave him with the illusion that it is unscheduled. There is nothing less sexy than scheduled sex.

10021

I am sorry for your loss. Sorry I should have read this post before posting in the other thread. Don't beat yourself up over the smoking and drinking it probably wasn't the cause as baby is not connected to your blood stream in those early weeks. By the sounds of it you are taking great care of yourself now.

Falling pregnant so quickly is a great sign. Try to relax (easier said than done) and have fun. If necessary do as the poster above said. Good luck.

elly123

The_sunandmoon I am sorry to hear about your loss, it' awful but you cant blame yourself these things happen so often with no explanation.

The positive from this is that you have conceived and know you can conceive.
When we were ttc i put myself under a lot of pressure and my hubby too. It was eating me up that month after month i wasn't pregnant, it was taking over but i was trying to hide it from my hubby. I was trying to convince myself that this wasn't consuming me but it was, it was all i taught about day in day out! My hubby felt under extreme pressure to preform and i felt so guilty about it, he would always say the room was too warm or he was wrecked, he works shift so id be waiting on him to come in after a night shift to do the deed before i went to work and it was stressful for both of us, there was little to no enjoyment in it, it wasn't loving, romantic or anything like that it was a chore for the soul purpose to get pregnant. After 6 months we decided enough is enough and we'd take a break from trying and tracking dates, i even had a prescription to start back on the pill. Once we had made the decision to take a break we went back to having an amazing intimate relationship that was about fun and enjoyment and not planned sex and guess what i conceived in July 2012 the month i was to start back on the pill, it was the first month we didn't track and we weren't under any pressure.

Its easy for me and others to tell you to relax and try not think about it especially when its on your mind 24/7 but try and take the pressure off both yourself and your hubby, try not plan when to do the deed just let it happen.

We laugh about it know but my hubby says when coming in after a night shift he'd be driving into our estate hoping the windows in our room would be closed, because if they were open he knew the deed had to be done

I wish you and your hubby the very best of luck with your journey and don't forget try and enjoy the BDing xxxxxx

Neyite

Lads, enough of this Baby Dance shorthand.:p We can say 'sex' on this forum. And you can say 'shag' 'ride' 'jiggy' and all the other non-cringe words here. The swear filter only blanks out the f word.

WRT pressure. Been that soldier. Even if you think you are relaxing, I've found that the whole peeing-onna-stick monitoring is a massive mood-killer. As is shagging-to-order. I've found it best to keep vague about key times, and just do whatever it is that gets you both in the mood instead, whether thats sharing a bottle of wine, a fancy outfit, a bit of roleplay, whatever.

I'm sorry for your loss. But you need to know that any smoking or drinking that early on didn't do anything to cause it. For something like the first 7 weeks the embryo is actually getting its nutrients from the sac rather than the mothers bloodstream so nothing like alcohol or smoke can cross over that early. The two weekends of the two week wait in my successful cycle, were the busiest for me all summer, and I drank more than I normally would and literally days before testing, got smoked out of it at a bonfire. I was also quite pissed. 29 failed cycles and the one I literally had written off in my own head was the one that worked.

I wont say relax. Its a sh!t thing to say to a TTC'er, and guaranteed to irk them (I get irked still!). But what I will say is, let off steam in the Chat Thread, make time to have affectionate intimate moments with your partner that aren't about conception. Its easy to let it consume you.