in laws minding my kids

Aideen Wade

Hello I'm at my wits end with my husband. His mother who is a functioning alcoholic minds our twin boys aged 5 one day a week along with my fil. The thing is my boys have told me that my mil falls asleep a lot when she minds them and had threatened them with wooden spoon if they act up or are too noisy. This greatly upsets me and I've cried in front of my husband saying I can't take anymore of it. My boys welfare is the most important thing to me but when I try talking to my husband about it it turns into a huge row with him depending her. My parents have offered to mind boys on day in laws do but husband is not happy about it ad he feels if he stops his parents minding our boys that it cuts all ties with them. I'm so stressed about this, I feel the only way of solving this is for me to confront her. Fil says and does nothing about it! Any help appreciated thank you

lukesmom

If she is a functioning alcoholic and falls asleep while looking after them (presumably from drinking) then I wouldn't have her look after them another minute. If your husband cannot see how neglectful leaving the twins there with the knowledge that you have, then he needs a serious wake up call. They are YOUR children and you owe them a safe environment.

December2012

I think the biggest problem in fact is your husband. He (understandably) wants to see his mother in a safe and nurturing light. He wants to keep her in his life and he's afraid of losing her.

I can understand that. And I'm sure you can empathise with him about his difficult upbringing and appreciate how his acceptance of abnormal parenting is probably a coping mechanism.

But of course living vicariously through his children this does not mean he's allowed to put his children at risk.

Would he put up with this from a childminder? A crèche?

This needs to stop. If he wants to have a relationship with his parents there is nothing stopping him bringing the kids to them for a visit.

It's his relationship that he's trying to recapture - and maybe he's tryingbto help his mother too. By giving her something to focus on it might be helping her stay sober.

What would happen if he raised the issue with her and told her not to do it again. You could give her another chance.

Have you considered that she might be too old / unable to mind or manage 5 year old twins? She might not want to do it anymore but feels she has to.

piperh

I would disagree that she is a functioning alcoholic, this means she carries on a normal work and home life but is propped up by the bottle. Falling asleep and threatening behaviour is not normal when minding your own children never mind someone elses.

Did your husband grow up with an alcoholic mom? If so he might be thinking its the norm and she never hurt him so she wouldn't hurt his children but it is a toxic atmosphere for them to be in.

I understand him wanting a relationship with her but his childrens well being comes first. I think you are going to have to be firm and prepared for the arguments it will cause. Ask him if he seriously wants your children to grow up thinking that level of drinking is ok and normal. You could always tell them your parents are desperate to help and mind the children so you'd like to give them the chance, you might find mil welcomes the get out.

Nobody would suggest cutting all ties but weekly visits as a family is the way forward. Good luck

Sunny Dayz

Another thing to bear in mind is what sort of impression your boys make of your MIL? They are at the age now where they would start to notice and pick up on things. Not knowing what age your MIL is but many of us lose our grandparents when we are still children. Would you rather the memories they have of your MIL - their gran - is of the times she was minding them and fell asleep or threatened them. Or would you rather they had the memories of when you visit as a family once a week and she (I'm only assuming) would be on her best behaviour.


I think you need to get this point across to your husband that you don't want your (plural) kids to be left with a bad impression of his mother.

Aideen Wade

Aideen Wade wrote: »

Hello I'm at my wits end with my husband. His mother who is a functioning alcoholic minds our twin boys aged 5 one day a week along with my fil. The thing is my boys have told me that my mil falls asleep a lot when she minds them and had threatened them with wooden spoon if they act up or are too noisy. This greatly upsets me and I've cried in front of my husband saying I can't take anymore of it. My boys welfare is the most important thing to me but when I try talking to my husband about it it turns into a huge row with him depending her. My parents have offered to mind boys on day in laws do but husband is not happy about it ad he feels if he stops his parents minding our boys that it cuts all ties with them. I'm so stressed about this, I feel the only way of solving this is for me to confront her. Fil says and does nothing about it! Any help appreciated thank you

Its a bit late now, it would have been better to approach issue like that by intimating that minding the boys is too much for her ect and that you are grateful for all her help making sure you include her in different ways, and then very gently introducing the idea that your parents are in better health/have less responsibilities and have offered to mind the children for a while you don't have to say it for every.

I would be worried leaving two small children with someone like that.

tinkerbell

OP, your husband needs a serious wake up call. Your MIL is in no fit state to be caring for your children and she should never be left responsible for them again. Your priority first is your children's well being, not the feelings of your MIL. Tell your husband to cop onto himself, that he would not tolerate this from anybody else. What if something happened to your kids while she was passed out drunk, or if she starts beating them?

You and your husband don't need to argue about this any further. You just tell him that she is never minding them again and that's that. It's not up for discussion. Just because she's his mother doesn't give her the right to earn a free pass. IMHO it's neglectful to allow an alcoholic care for your children as you just cannot trust her. Your children need you to protect them and you are not doing so by allowing her to mind them.

Aideen Wade

Thank you all for your replies very much appreciated..... I'm not letting this go, my kids have seen enough and are at an impressionable age I want this nipped in bud now!

Big Bag of Chips

His argument that it cuts all ties with his parents is a weak one. He can still bring them to visit. Is the fil also there when the kids are there? If so, then I don't see her falling asleep as being a huge issue because they are still being supervised by their grandad. Sometimes I might nap on the couch myself in the evenings!!

The wooden spoon threat could be generational! You can tell her that you prefer for her not to threaten the boys like that because it upsets them. I'm sure she has no intention of using it on them, but they don't know that.

If you are really very unhappy then you have to change the setup. But you have to accept that your husband has had this type of relationship with his mother forever, so it is normal for him. And he would feel a certain degree of loyalty to her.

I hope you can figure it out to your satisfaction though. It's a situation that is making you uncomfortable and it needs to change... Somehow.

Lola92

I really feel for you op, horrible situation. I don't mean to be scaremongering, just putting a question out there, but in terms of child welfare I doubt that social services would be too happy about 5 year olds being cared for by an alcohol dependant person 5 days per week, even if there may be another adult there.

It must be very conflicting for you, wanting the best for your children and to keep them safe, and your husband not wanting to think harshly of the woman who raised him. I hope you can come to a resolution that all of you are happy with.

Micky Dolenz

Lola92 wrote: »

I really feel for you op, horrible situation. I don't mean to be scaremongering, just putting a question out there, but in terms of child welfare I doubt that social services would be too happy about 5 year olds being cared for by an alcohol dependant person 5 days per week, even if there may be another adult there.

It must be very conflicting for you, wanting the best for your children and to keep them safe, and your husband not wanting to think harshly of the woman who raised him. I hope you can come to a resolution that all of you are happy with.

I think you misread. The twins are 5 and her mother in law looks after them 1 day a week.

OP, put your foot down. If his Ma wants to see them, have him drop around with them for a hour or two over the weekend or whenever there is free time.

Lola92

Micky Dolenz wrote: »

I think you misread. The twins are 5 and her mother in law looks after them 1 day a week.

OP, put your foot down. If his Ma wants to see them, have him drop around with them for a hour or two over the weekend or whenever there is free time.

I did misread, apologies! It's the end of a long day !

Aideen Wade

Lola92 wrote: »

I did misread, apologies! It's the end of a long day !

Thank you all again ladies sorry I am only getting back now... My in laws only mind boys every Tuesday for few hours. The other days are with either my sil, hubby or me.. Well I spent a lot of time dwelling on it and airing my concerns with Dh, then on Friday my dad asked me to call in after work. I was kinda annoyed he wasn't summoning Dh to give him a kick up ass but I knew damn well what Dad wanted. He was saying more or less that boys are never really left with her alone(mil) and basically it's best to leave well enough alone... I have stated to dh that if mil screws up at all she's gone, that he owes me and my family big time! He says he'll keep a very close eye on her(something that should have been done well before now). If I get a slight wiff of anything I'll be going in with guns blazing!!

Big Bag of Chips

Why does he owe your family big time? And why would your dad be getting involved to give your husband a kick up the arse?

I understand you are not happy, but these are the arrangements you have in place. You and your husband should be a team, but you seem to see your husband as some sort of fool who you and your family need to keep in line.

Doesn't sound like a pleasant place for him to be.

I completely understand that you are frustrated, annoyed, worried etc but holding your husband to some sort of ransom is not the way forward. Why did you argue with your husband when he said it was ok to leave the boys with his parents, yet when your dad said the same thing he's seen as the voice of reason and your husband somehow "owes" them?

I'm not getting at you by the way, but I just think you are in danger of turning this into my family v your family, forgetting that you and your husband are one family.

Aideen Wade

Good God no my parents do not keep dh in line they value him as a son, but yes you do make a good point, I was saying he owes me more so because I didn't confront his mum about it. My dad only got involved because they had offered to take boys on Tuesdays and on reflection felt it is best to leave well enough alone

Big Bag of Chips

In your post you said you told him he owes you and your family! I know it's not what you meant, but just be careful when arguing with your husband that you don't exaggerate things in order to make your point.

It's not nice to be made feel like you have all your in-laws watching your family waiting for a mistake so they can swoop in "all guns blazing" saying I told you so.

You and your husband are a team and it should be you and him together, mutual respect. If issues arise they should be sorted out as much as possible between the two of you. Too much family involvement can lead to families feeling like they have a right to always be involved! Just be careful that you don't turn into the nagging wife who knows better and who has to follow him around making sure he doesn't get into any more trouble!!

You've (both) gone with this now, you've (both) decided it is a suitable place for your boys to be... IF it doesn't work out, it is not solely the fault of your husband... So maybe ease up on those guns, eh?!!

Aideen Wade

I am not a nagging wife and I have gone along with so much in the past and said nothing about it to my husband.

Big Bag of Chips

Aideen, I don't mean my posts to come across as attacking you. But sometimes when we're in the middle of a situation we can lose sight of the bigger picture. You have confronted your husband about this. You have both gone on the attack at each other, and both are defensive about your own respective families. Every relationship would have head to heads at some stage.

I'm just trying to say that when the head to head ends, it's still you and your husband as a team. So don't be too quick to pit yourself against him or against his family. You've made a joint decision now. You agree with your dad that it's ok to leave it as it is. So you can't sit around waiting for the mother to mess up. If that's what you are going to do then you should find alternative childcare for that day and damn the fallout.

Because if you are pretty certain that she is going to mess up and as a result put your children in danger are you really prepared to wait to see what happens them? And confronting her will do you no good whatsoever. Do you think that's all it would take to make her better, or see sense? It's not that easy, I'm afraid.

I wish you well. I genuinely do. Hand on my heart if their grandad is always around I don't see a problem. My own mother has never drank a drop. She regularly nods off on the couch in the evenings.

Just take a step back and look at everything, and decide if you want to be locked in a constant battle with your husband over this.

tinkerbell

OP, I agree with BBoC. If his mother messes up now, you are as much to blame as your husband. You are allowing your children to be "cared for" by an alcoholic who threatens to beat them. As a mother, there is no way I would ever let somebody look after my family if they threatened violence against them or was an alcoholic.

username000

As an adult child of an alcoholic Id implore you not to be exposing your young children to alcoholism like this.

Its very damaging and kids pick up on it from a very young age.

You are enabling your mother in law by saying nothing about it. What if something serious happened and someone needed medical attention? Would your mother in law be able to step up and drive them to a hospital?

Besides the actual risk aspect, its just not healthy for small children to be exposed to alcoholism, its a psychologically damaging experience.

lukesmom

I'm genuinely stunned that after all the advice you got here you aren't removing your children from the situation you described. Your boys should not be exposed to alcoholism whether the fil is there or not it's still wrong. You are meant to be their mother who protects them not put them in the environment of an alcoholic. Bad decision in my opinion.

Chemical Byrne

I fully agree with the above poster and my blood was boiling reading the last two pages.

I think you'd be mad to leave your children in the "care" of someone who is a) a substance abuser b) incompetent by being unable to remain awake during the course of her duties and c) threatens you children with physical violence.

Put it this way, would you be willing to send your children to a creche that is staffed by alcoholics with violent tendencies?

The above is a very bad and damaging environment for young kids to be exposed to. What happens if she's so drunk she forgets to turn off the cooker or something? What happens if she decides to drunk drive with them in her car?
Where is the FIL in all of this? He doesn't appear to be in the picture much from your posts. Is he safe to be around young children?

Contrary to other posters I think you are justified in berating your husband for choosing to ignore his mom's behavioural problems. He seems to be blind to the dangers he is exposing his children to. He seems to be more concerned about keeping his parents sweet than the well being of his children. I don't buy this crap about his parents being cut off. Can't ye bring them down to their place at the weekends for visits and what not? If your husband will not confront his mother about her carry on maybe you should go down and confront her yourself, I don't know. If I were you, I would just decree that she is not looking after them any more and find someone else. It is your right to choose who cares for your child, if they take issue with that, well that's their problem.

Your so called "D"H needs a reality check. He seems to be taking "ah shur 'twill be grand" attitude. If he cannot see that there is a problem with having a potentially violent alcoholic "caring" for children, well then I don't know what to make of him. No offence, but if he cannot see that then maybe you need to consider whether he is suitable for you and yere children to be around anymore.

lukesmom

Chemical Byrne wrote: »

I fully agree with the above poster and my blood was boiling reading the last two pages.

I think you'd be mad to leave your children in the "care" of someone who is a) a substance abuser b) incompetent by being unable to remain awake during the course of her duties and c) threatens you children with physical violence.

Put it this way, would you be willing to send your children to a creche that is staffed by alcoholics with violent tendencies?

The above is a very bad and damaging environment for young kids to be exposed to. What happens if she's so drunk she forgets to turn off the cooker or something? What happens if she decides to drunk drive with them in her car?
Where is the FIL in all of this? He doesn't appear to be in the picture much from your posts. Is he safe to be around young children?

Contrary to other posters I think you are justified in berating your husband for choosing to ignore his mom's behavioural problems. He seems to be blind to the dangers he is exposing his children to. He seems to be more concerned about keeping his parents sweet than the well being of his children. I don't buy this crap about his parents being cut off. Can't ye bring them down to their place at the weekends for visits and what not? If your husband will not confront his mother about her carry on maybe you should go down and confront her yourself, I don't know. If I were you, I would just decree that she is not looking after them any more and find someone else. It is your right to choose who cares for your child, if they take issue with that, well that's their problem.

Your so called "D"H needs a reality check. He seems to be taking "ah shur 'twill be grand" attitude. If he cannot see that there is a problem with having a potentially violent alcoholic "caring" for children, well then I don't know what to make of him. No offence, but if he cannot see that then maybe you need to consider whether he is suitable for you and yere children to be around anymore.

+1

I would be RAGING with my dh if he put anybody before our children's safety which is paramount. He is afraid to rock the boat. Poor kids

madeinamerica

I agree with a lot of the posters here, it's a bad environment for kids and it would be best to change it. However, while your oh may be driving you nuts, I would be a bit more understanding of his motivations. I'm assuming that his mum was an alcoholic when he was a kid. Kids of alcoholic parents have issues which don't go away when they grow up. I can see it in my own extended family. One that I've heard is that they will do anything to please their parent and not have any confidence to confront them (or anyone). Some of his reluctance to deal with the situation might be coming from that. It might be an idea to keep it in mind when talking to him about it, perhaps if you approach it in a gentler way and just focus on the good of your kids rather than the problems of the granny. Good luck.

Neyite

Its only a matter of time before your boys find alcohol while she is 'distracted' and try it out. Who here didnt sneak a cigarette from an adults box lying around as kids. I did with alcohol too and was hospitalised as a result.

You do realise that if Social Services got wind of this arrangement, and the substance abuse, they would be questioning you and your husband's parenting. Because the logic follows that if you and your husband feel there is nothing wrong with someone habitually abusing a substance while in the sole care of small children, they are going to wonder if you do it too. Do you really want them on your back, maybe with the wider family, colleagues or neighbours being asked questions about you both.

Maybe potential shame of people gossiping about Social Services investigating might be a motivator for your husband to do the right thing here, because highlighting potential harm that could befall your children isn't registering with him.

lukesmom

madeinamerica wrote: »

I agree with a lot of the posters here, it's a bad environment for kids and it would be best to change it. However, while your oh may be driving you nuts, I would be a bit more understanding of his motivations. I'm assuming that his mum was an alcoholic when he was a kid. Kids of alcoholic parents have issues which don't go away when they grow up. I can see it in my own extended family. One that I've heard is that they will do anything to please their parent and not have any confidence to confront them (or anyone). Some of his reluctance to deal with the situation might be coming from that. It might be an idea to keep it in mind when talking to him about it, perhaps if you approach it in a gentler way and just focus on the good of your kids rather than the problems of the granny. Good luck.

All the more reason why he should know from experience what a hazardous environment it is for children to be in the company of an alcoholic who continues to drink. I would have thought it would deter him from having his children minded there.

username000

lukesmom wrote: »

All the more reason why he should know from experience what a hazardous environment it is for children to be in the company of an alcoholic who continues to drink. I would have thought it would deter him from having his children minded there.

No one can really conjecture on the OPs husbands upbringing but I would suggest that as alcoholism tends to be a progresssive disease/condition/insert preferred term, that its quite possible that it wasnt so bad during his own upbringing and he is simply in denial now over how bad it is.

Denial is an absolutely unbelievably strong thing, he may be using it as a defence mechanism so as not to have to deal with the real situation.

I dont think that Social Services would really care tbh, as far as I can tell there are thousands of children being raised by alcoholics, drug addicts and worse in this country and social services do nothing.

Neyite

username000 wrote: »

I dont think that Social Services would really care tbh, as far as I can tell there are thousands of children being raised by alcoholics, drug addicts and worse in this country and social services do nothing.

I agree that they likely wont care or bother to investigate, that's not why I posted the suggestion. But if the OP can convince her husband that they might, and he'd be the type to be very embarrassed at people knowing his private business, it might be a useful angle to try to change his mind.

Having said that, if one of the children landed in hospital having ingested alcohol, then the hospital would notify SS and they'd have to investigate.

Chemical Byrne

He is definitely in denial. The OP needs to try to make him see sense and if he persists with his current mantra she will just have to inform him that his judgement is way off and she has no other choice but to take matters into her own hands and remove the children from the gandparents and make alternative childcare arrangements.