Daughter does not want to see her dad

hippy_hi

Just trying to get people's advice here please. My daughter is 8 years of age. she usually sees her dad once every few (three/four...sometimes longer) weeks for about two nights. This is his choice as he lives in a different county.

Prior to Christmas my daughter went to him at the weekend beginning of December and again two weeks later for another two nights. This was very close in weekends and I can't remember the last time she went to him that close in time. Anyway, he was off and the first weekend I asked him and the second he informed me that he was off, and my daughter said she would go. When I asked her if she wanted to go initially she said that she wanted to stay, however I informed her of my working hours for the weekend and as such she would be staying with other family members if she chose to stay at home for the weekend - she said she would go to her dad's then, and she was happy to go. It wasn't just a decision made because she was backed into a corner, she had no worries and seemed happy with her choice.

Christmas came and prior to it I informed her of the plans, that she would see her dad after the dinner (as per usual) on Christmas day. She immediately said that she did not want to go to him, and that she wanted to spend time with her family. I informed her that her dad is her family also and that it was important to see her father on Christmas day, plus she will be getting nice toys etc. No, she was adamant that she did not want to see him. On Christmas day he phoned three times in the morning but I missed the calls. When I saw them I informed my daughter that her dad had phoned and that we will phone him back. I am very aware of the subtle tones and the affect this can have on children between parents who have separated and therefore I ensured I was jolly in my voice and appearance. My daughter again said she didn't want to talk to him, stating that he will give out to her if she talks to him, about not wanting to see him on that day. I informed her that he is her dad, that he loves her just like I do and how special that day is and that it would be lovely to talk to him. She did not want to. She stated again that he will give out to her and even when I said that I would stay with her with the phone and take the phone away if he did, she still did not want to. I left it at that and I did not phone him back, and text him later that day to apologise.

Since then I have spoke to her about seeing her dad. She changes the subject and when I bring her back she says that she will tell me when she wants to see him again. I am supporting her as she is very astute and knows her own mind very well, however her father blames me for allowing her to dictate and that I am a fool for listening to her.

I believe it is important to support my Daughter emotionally. This is worrying though as I do not want to do this to the detriment of her not having a relationship with her father, which I feel is very important. On the flip side of that if this is her choice this should be respected in order for her to feel safe and secure and knowing that grown ups listen to her and her needs.

I know there is a lot in this and maybe someone else has been in a similar situation who can advise further.

Big Bag of Chips

Has she given any reason for not wanting to see him, or not wanting to speak to him. I think it is bad form that you did not tell her she had to speak to him on Christmas Day. I know kids need to know that they are being listened to etc but she's 8. At 8 she is old enough to know right from wrong and she is old enough to be taught to be considerate of other's feelings.

It's a difficult one, but I think that yes, you have to listen to her, but you also have to make decisions for her that she mightn't be too pleased with. If she decided she didn't want to go to school next week would you allow her to stay home? If she decided she didn't want to answer the teacher's questions would you be ok with that?

You need to find out why she doesn't want to see him or talk to him. If it's a genuine reason, then you try work it out with them both. If it's "just because" then I'm afraid you need to put your foot down and send her.

piperh

Has she given any indication of what happened before Christmas and why she no longer wants contact. Just because is not a good enough answer and while I appreciate you might not want to push for answers I think you need to for her longterm well being.

At 8yrs old she needs to understand that while her feelings matter so do other peoples and sometimes others feelings have to come first.

The other issue here is if she learns at such an early age saying "no I won't do it" gets her out of it god help you as she hits her teens.

Shadylou

I had the exact same issue with my daughter when she was 8/9 years old and I left her alone for a while thinking she would come around but now I wish I had intervened sooner and not let it go on so long.
I would advise either yourself or another family member she trust sitting down with her and talking it through with her, explaining how important the relationship is.
I would also let her know that she isn't choosing between you two and that you are happy for her to see her dad. A lot of the problem with my daughter was that she didn't want me to be at home alone while they were at their fathers.

cbyrd

At 8 years old and regardless how mature they seem, allowing her to stay away from her dad is as bad as not allowing him to see her. If she decided she didn't want to go to school what would your reaction be?
You need to pick up the phone and find out if there was a disagreement. How else will they fix it if she won't see him? My 4 children go to see their dad every 3 out of 4 weekends. No exceptions. When my eldest had a row with her dad I had to referree. She said she wasn't going and he said he didn't want her down. He lives in Meath and we're in Mayo. it was a stupid spat, but I don't have the right to disapprove because I only had her version of events.
I know she loves her dad and vice versa, even though we can't stand the sight of each other, I won't use that against his children. I made her go. I was the worst in the world for a few hours, but they sorted it out and now you'd never know it happened.
She's 8, I don't think she should get to decide ( unless there's an abuse issue) She needs to understand that seeing her dad is as important as seeing you. If the situation was reversed would you hope that he would not back her up if she said she didn't want to see you.
It's just a thought

Chemical Byrne

cbyrd wrote: »

..........She's 8, I don't think she should get to decide ( unless there's an abuse issue) She needs to understand that seeing her dad is as important as seeing you. If the situation was reversed would you hope that he would not back her up if she said she didn't want to see you.
It's just a thought

Well I can't say this possibility didn't cross the back of my mind and I didn't want to make suggestions of potential allegations of it but since it's here... Given that she is so quiet and reluctant to even talk about the "incident" (if one occurred that is) it might potentially be an indicator of something more sinister than your everyday parent-child argument.
Perhaps you could try gently exploring what the problem was.
You also should consider what this man might potentially be capable of despite any facade of propriety he might display in your presence.

MagicMarker

Chemical Byrne wrote: »

Well I can't say this possibility didn't cross the back of my mind and I didn't want to make suggestions of potential allegations of it but since it's here... Given that she is so quiet and reluctant to even talk about the "incident" (if one occurred that is) it might potentially be an indicator of something more sinister than your everyday parent-child argument.
Perhaps you could try gently exploring what the problem was.
You also should consider what this man might potentially be capable of despite any facade of propriety he might display in your presence.

Jesus...

skallywag

OP I think you really need to have a chat with the child's father to get to the bottom of where this behaviour may be stemming from, i.e. be straight up with him about how she is behaving and what she is saying, and ask him his he any idea as to the background here.

If this does not produce something satisfactory I would then push your daughter hard for answers as to why she is behaving like this, and let her know that the manner in which she is behaving is absolutely not on, unless she can justify it to you.

Chemical Byrne

skallywag wrote: »

OP I think you really need to have a chat with the child's father to get to the bottom of where this behaviour may be stemming from, i.e. be straight up with him about how she is behaving and what she is saying, and ask him his he any idea as to the background here.

If this does not produce something satisfactory I would then push your daughter hard for answers as to why she is behaving like this, and let her know that the manner in which she is behaving is absolutely not on, unless she can justify it to you.

I would not take the approach of questioning the daughter hard. She might close up even more. She needs to gently probe what the problem is and reassure her that she is there to help.

Definitely the father needs to be talked to. Perhaps she could probe the father by telling him that her daughter told her everything and that she knows what happened. She could then scrutinize his reaction to gauge the seriousness of whatever it might have been. I know it's mind games and I'm no fan of those but when nothing else is yielding answers.....

skallywag

Chemical Byrne wrote: »

Perhaps she could probe the father by telling him that her daughter told her everything and that she knows what happened.

I disagree strongly with taking such an approach, there is nothing whatsoever in the OP's post to even suggest that the father in question has done something which he needs to be tricked into confessing. I have a young daughter myself and she can also go through phases of not wanting to spend time with me for no apparent reason.

To suggest that some manner of abuse may be involved in this particular case is way wide of the mark, based on the information provided by the OP.

Chemical Byrne

Well with all due respect, I disagree strongly with the suggestion that the potential for such impropriety is dismissed out of hand. That thinking went on too long in this country.

Shame and withdrawal and refusing to talk about whatever happened like the OPs daughter is something that is well known in victims of abusers (though not specific to it of course). All I'm saying is that OP should at least consider all possible causes of her daughter's upset of late.

At the very least she should directly question him on what happened during the last visit. I mean, if he is innocent of any wrongdoing and has nothing to hide he should give reason without fuss and not become defensive or nervous. If that is inconclusive then taking the "i know what happened" approach might yield answers or at least flag that something more ominous is going on.

Of course, it might be just some trivial misunderstanding between them.

Big Bag of Chips

Fair enough, but I think it is unhealthier to jump straight to assuming she is, rather than assuming she's not.

My husband's daughter did similar at that age. When she realised she had no choice, she gave up. My own son is 9 and would rather never leave the house... To go anywhere! If we split up I'd imagine I'd have quite a job convincing him to go out for a few hours/over night every week. And he loves his dad.

Abuse is such a serious and damaging thing to go bandying about. Even an unfounded suspicion can ruin a person's life if people start talking. So while I fully agree that the child should be spoken to and listened to, and the mother should possibly get all of them together to try sort it out, the conversation should not be steered in any particular direction.

Starting off from that point is a dangerous assumption to make. Yes, of course it happens but assuming it's prevalent is as dangerous as pretending it's not happening.