Annoyed over gift brought back from holiday

LegacyUser

Ok, this is going to sound so petty. But here goes…

My partner recently went abroad just after Christmas to visit family for a few weeks. I was looking forward to us spending our first Christmas together (time between Christmas & New Year, not just Christmas & St Stephen’s Day) as he had a new job, which meant he wouldn’t be working for the first time since we’ve been together (over 10 years) and it would be our first Christmas in our new house. I didn’t mind really, it sucked sure, but he was travelling with other family members so there was nothing he could do about the timing.

So basically I was at home on my own for most of the Christmas. Again, I didn’t mind, I kind of like my own company anyway… (Also, for reference I’ve not had a holiday in 4 years)

But what’s annoying me is what he brought me back as a gift. It’s something I would bring my sister or brother back from holidays. it was just to impersonal, and didn't cost very much.

He had plenty of opportunity to get me something else, there was loads of shopping so that’s not the issue.

I’m just annoyed as I didn’t get a birthday present (told him no presents for another reason) and at Christmas we said “no presents”. Ended up getting each other something small in the end though. I’m not all about the presents, I’m really not, but it’s like he didn't even think to get me something nice after me being all on my own over most of the Christmas, no Christmas or birthday presents and not having a holiday in 4 years, while we was living it up in the sun. It's like he barely gave me a second thought.

When I came back into work my colleagues were asking what did he bring me back and I was kind of embarrassed telling them. They all came out and said “that’s crap!”

I just want to air my grievance as I’m too embarrassed to tell anyone I know in case they think I’m being a diva, but I just help being annoyed. I’m very stubborn and once I get something in my head, I find it hard to carry on as normal.


So am I right, or do I need to cop on to myself and get over it?!

Big Bag of Chips

He's not a mind reader. If you specifically said "no presents" then he probably thought picking you up something small was a nice gesture. He was making a gesture rather than a statement.

Nobody cares what he bought you. They're just making conversation and/or being nosey.

If it bothers you, lie!

And be honest with him in future. If you would like something a bit special then tell him.

IlmoNT4

you told him no presents and now your annoyed because you dont like the present he bought....if thats the case, then yeah, you do need to cop on. You can say one thing and want another. I'd suggest that next year you say, how about we both get each other a nice Xmas present or pick a present together as a couple which you could use together like a trip away or something like that. Hes not a mind reader.

You have a relationship and a new home, isnt that enough for you?

What are you really worried about? That he doesnt love you or think about you when hes away?

I think you need to stop saying that you don't mind, because you obviously do mind about the present and being home alone and not having a holiday, and what other people think of you.

LegacyUser

No, the no gifts thing was for my birthday a few weeks before.

The reason I said no gifts was because he said the same for his own birthday earlier in the year while we were doing up our new house, so out of fairness I said the same when my own birthday came around.

Buona Fortuna

Hi OP, is this really about the present, or that he left you alone at Christmas?

LegacyUser

And the reason we said no presents at Christmas was because he was hardly going to be there as he was heading off on the holiday of a lifetime.

I was so looking forward to this Christmas just gone for reasons listed above until it was decided they were going away.

He bought me back 3 little things (and I mean little) and two of them were bought on the airport on the way back. One of them, I can even use which he knows well.

They say it's the thought that counts, but it's like there was no thought there.

maggiepip

It comes across to me the present is symbolic of a deeper problem you may have insecurities about. So the present isnt the real problem.

Big Bag of Chips

If you wanted a birthday present then you shouldn't have said no presents. If he says he doesn't want a birthday present next year are you going to buy him one anyway? Are you going to tell him you don't want one?

Just be honest with him... About everything, presents, Christmas, holidays etc.

cactusgal

Well, I wouldn't like it if a partner of ten years went off on holidays over Christmas and didn't invite me, especially if the alternative was staying at home on my own. That would bother me the most.

You're annoyed because the gift is thoughtless, but ditching you over Christmas is more thoughtless.

Is this how he usually is, or is it a blip in an otherwise happy partnership?

hoodwinked

Maybe he is just hopeless at gifts?

my husband is terrible at picking out gifts, he much prefers it if i say "i want x y & z" and then he can pick me out something out of that list,

once he was abroad with his friends and i never told him what i wanted ( what i told him exactly was to have fun with his friends and don't bother wasting time shopping to get me something) when he came back he brought me a scarf, and an airplane model for our 3 year old daughter (not very practical as it was delicate with sharp ends), another time it was a fridge magnet, they were random but thoughtful thats what his gifts are and it's become something very unique to him that i love. but likewise others could see them as "impersonal" or "cheap" or "thoughtless" but i think i understand his train of thought better than others.

maybe your guy is the same way?

bee06

Embarrassingly annoyed wrote: »

And the reason we said no presents at Christmas was because he was hardly going to be there as he was heading off on the holiday of a lifetime.

I was so looking forward to this Christmas just gone for reasons listed above until it was decided they were going away.

You say you don't mind that he went away for Christmas but you obviously do. Why didn't you go with them?

strobe

Yeah the problems seem to stem from you not being honest with him. You said no birthday present, you said no Christmas present, you said you didn't mind him going away at Christmas, and all those things seem to have been lies (maybe unintentional or with with good intentions behind them but lies all the same). You can't really tell lies to him and then get annoyed at him when he believes them and acts accordingly. It's hardly fair. Just be honest with him in future about how you actually feel and go from there.

maggiepip

Whats the real problem OP? Is it that he went away at Christmas? Did you say it was no problem for him to go when in fact you were hurt he went? It cant be as silly as disappointment in a gift. My husband forgot my birthday last year, truly, totally forgot (!!), but I could genuinely laugh at that and not be in the slightest bit upset because I am so secure in our relationship. Hes a very forgetful sod and did repent lol. I think you need to ask yourself some honest questions as to why you are so upset over a gift.

If I went off on Holiday in the same circumstances, I would probably have done the same thing.
2 birthdays, agreed no presents. Xmas, agreed no presents. Immediately after he goes away and thinks... I cant buy anything expensive since we seem to be on a run of no presents. Buy something small as a token gesture.

He hasn't done anything wrong. Maybe you need to have a chat and decide it is time to treat yourselves to something.

Mr. Incognito

Am I the odd one out but who the hell buys presents on holidays.

The point is to relax and enjoy yourself and not be a personal shopper for the relatives back home.

My kids. Sure but hardly my partner. I buy her small thoughtful things throughout the year because I love her not because I am obligated by convention.

How was your holiday- What did you get me. Not really my way of greeting my partner home.

LegacyUser

It was a trip to Australia and his mother paid for him to go as he would never have been able to afford it this year after us buying a house that needed quite a bit of work. She paid for him to go as she had no-one else to travel with.

His mother felt awful she couldn't afford for me to go too, but I would never in million years expect her to pay for me too!

It may not sound like it, but I really have no problem not getting a birthday or Christmas present, as I meant what I said. As I said it sucked alright not having the Christmas I was hoping for, but I that's life.

I really just thought in light of getting no Christmas or birthay present (yes, even though I said not to!), being left at home on my own over the Christmas period, while he's on a once in a lifetime holiday in the sun on the other side of the world (which I'll probably never see), he'd put a bit of effort or thought into it and would like the get me something nice.

For those of you who have said there must be deeper at issues at play, yeah I guess you're right. I felt like he didn't care and barely thought of me.

And no, it's not that he's clueless when it comes to these things - he's usually very good a gift buying.

Casualcontrol1

He's a guy and you told him no presents, at least he was thoughtful enough not to come back empty handed and wanted to give you something small as a gesture but your acting so ungreatful. You sound so insecure and demanding that all you have to be upset about is what your work colleagues think about what you husband bought you. give the guy a break and be happy with what you have.

piperh

You asked are you right or do you need to cop on? You need to cop on.

You can't say no presents and then moan because what he buys you is an after thought. What on earth would you have done if he'd taken you at your word. The way you said he'd said no presents on his birthday because of the house so you'd reciprocated out of fairness implies you put more store by present giving than he does.

After 10 years together I would expect you both to know if and what sort of present is expected. I know mine would have been chocolate from the airport ;-)

Scarinae

Embarrassingly annoyed wrote: »

When I came back into work my colleagues were asking what did he bring me back and I was kind of embarrassed telling them. They all came out and said “that’s crap!”

I wouldn't worry too much about what your colleagues think, they probably forgot about it almost instantly when the conversation moved on to something else. My boyfriend and I don't buy each other big presents anymore for a number of reasons, just tokens really, and there have been a few times when people have asked me what he got me for my birthday/Christmas/our anniversary and have then been surprised when I say he didn't get me anything - it doesn't bother me though so I don't feel embarrassed. I think you felt embarrassed telling them because it was something that was bothering you.

I agree with other people who have said it's not really the present that's upsetting you, more the fact that he went on holiday without you. I'd be upset about that too if I was in your position, unless there was a good reason not to be invited. Have you spoken to him about it, does he know you're upset?

retro:electro

You admit he bought you a house last year, maybe he's broke! His mother paid for the holiday for him, he obviously doesn't have the cash to be buying fancy presents! You can't agree to no presents and then begrudge when you get nothing. Sometimes men need things spelled out to them, he obviously didn't think you wanted/needed anything. Be thankful you've a roof over your head courtesy of him.

LegacyUser

Anna, where did you get that he bought me a house?! We bought a house together, 50/50.

bee06

Look, what are your options here? Are you going to hold it against him for the rest of your life? I'm guessing no. So you might as well tell him, get it off your chest and move on.

Big Bag of Chips

I think this was a one off, not really his fault favour to his mother. She obviously wanted to go to Australia, (to visit other family for Christmas?) she wanted to bring him, maybe for company, maybe to help through airports etc? She couldn't be expected to bring you too.

This unfortunately all happened over Christmas and maybe he felt he couldn't/shouldn't say no? You do seem more begrudging of the fact he went away rather than what he brought back. It was a one off. He didn't pay for it. I'm sure he did miss you. I'm sure he did think of you, but I'm sure he also enjoyed his time with his family.

It's a situation that is never going to arise again. Put it down to a bad year, and let NEXT year be your first Christmas together in your house! And this year vow to be more honest with him. If something bothers you, tell him. He may or may not be able to change it, but at least he'll know how you feel and can deal with it.

retro:electro

Embarrassingly annoyed wrote: »

Anna, where did you get that he bought me a house?! We bought a house together, 50/50.[/quote

Misread it, apologies.

LegacyUser

I often read posts here but rarely reply. However, I felt I wanted to reply to this one because I feel like people are being way to harsh on the op.

I would usually buy my partner something if I travelled. He would do the same for me. Just something small but "Hello, I was thinking about you because I love you." When one of us has travelled and not had time to by a gift the other usually goes into "I'm a little annoyed but I know I have no right to be mode." and that's fine. However if my partner turned up with a pointless, thoughtless airport present I'd be so annoyed. I'd rather nothing that have them waste their money on something that involved no care or love.
The onyl thing I would say, Op, is that I'm not sure there's any point bringing it up. There's nothing that can be done now and he may have thought he did the right thing but I still feel it's ok to be annoyed in these circumstances.

Deenie123

Sorry, but I get where the OP is coming from. Money was tight, so they agreed not to do Christmas or birthday gifts this year. Fair enough. OP didn't say no to holiday souvenirs.

I think any couple would look forward to their first Christmas together in a new home. Any couple would. Except that he went off with his mother to the other side of the world on, as the OP put it, the sun holiday of a lifetime and got to see a place she'll probably never get to. In order for him to be able to do that, she had to sacrifice something she had been dearly looking forward to. He'd have to be completely obtuse to have missed that. She had Christmas on her own, ditched in favour of travelling.

The very least he could have done is brought something nice back. I'm not saying something fancy or outrageous, just something requiring a little bit of thought that says "I was thinking of you". Instead, as the OP said and everyone glosses over, he picked up two small things in the airport and one other thing that he knew she couldn't use.

I think it'd probably be less insulting if he hadn't bought anything at all. From the sounds of it, what he got the OP just screams "I had a rare auld time out there, then on the way home I thought of you and figured I better pick something up for you".

OP, I get where you're coming from. I just don't know if there's anything to be gained from raising it with him. If you did raise the issue, what would you be hoping to achieve? An apology?

retro:electro

Does he have to buy you something to show you he was thinking of you?

ArtyC

I get this.... It's thoughtless to leave you alone at a time that should've been exciting for you both.... The very least to bring you home something nice or planned something nice for just the two if you when he got back...

I don't think it's worth holding on to though as it won't be a regular occurrence and you've so much to look forward to....

Maybe suggest you do something nice Easter weekend or sonethiNg?

And lose the no presents rule next year. Me and my boyfriend had to do that this year but I've already said that it's not happening again. Silly but they are important- not the price- the thought

iusedtoknow

Embarrassingly annoyed wrote: »

I didn’t mind really, it sucked sure, but he was travelling with other family members so there was nothing he could do about the timing.

So basically I was at home on my own for most of the Christmas. Again, I didn’t mind,


I’m just annoyed as I didn’t get a birthday present (told him no presents for another reason) and at Christmas we said “no presents”. Ended up getting each other something small in the end though. I’m not all about the presents, I’m really not, but it’s like he didn't even think to get me something nice after me being all on my own over most of the Christmas, no Christmas or birthday presents and not having a holiday in 4 years, while we was living it up in the sun. It's like he barely gave me a second thought.

I’m being a diva, but I just help being annoyed. I’m very stubborn and once I get something in my head, I find it hard to carry on as normal.


So am I right, or do I need to cop on to myself and get over it?!

You repeatedly said that you "didn't mind x, y, z" then go on to make it clear that you really do mind.

He is not a mind reader...if you consistently said that you didn't mind him going off and that you really didn't want a christmas or birthday present.....then that is what he thought

It really isn't fair for you to suddenly raise all this now, making it pretty clear that you really DID mind, after the whole thing is done and dusted

In short, grow up - you're in an adult relationship. There is nothing wrong with wanting presents etc, but don't expect to get anything when you say that didn't want something.

Say what you mean and mean what you say.

Leo12

Like some other posters I don't usually reply but a few things stood out for me. Firstly when did you know your partner was going away? Im asking this as I'm sure this would have been planned early enough to give you time to prepare. Secondly a nice gift is lovely and whenever I've gone away to the States to see family I've always brought back lovely things for my husband as he was often working and couldn't get time off to come with me. Further more, in agreement with other posters I think this is deeper than just a present. I think this is a wake up call and maybe just shows how much you rely on your partner for socialising. Do you have hobbies and interests and an active social life without him? We can easily fall into the trap of not seeing our friends and family when we start nesting and when our partners are not around it really brings it home. You have had a tough year financially so maybe this year treat yourselves to a holiday or a mini break, they can do the world of good. While home ownership is a great thing it can get in the way of enjoying yourselves ! Maybe have a chat with him and explain how you feel but be positive and please book a holiday or a break. Take care

boobar

You said no presents.

Yes you need to cop yourself on.

Embarrassingly annoyed

Embarrassingly annoyed wrote: »

Ok, this is going to sound so petty. But here goes…

My partner recently went abroad just after Christmas to visit family for a few weeks. I was looking forward to us spending our first Christmas together (time between Christmas & New Year, not just Christmas & St Stephen’s Day) as he had a new job, which meant he wouldn’t be working for the first time since we’ve been together (over 10 years) and it would be our first Christmas in our new house. I didn’t mind really, it sucked sure, but he was travelling with other family members so there was nothing he could do about the timing.

So basically I was at home on my own for most of the Christmas. Again, I didn’t mind, I kind of like my own company anyway… (Also, for reference I’ve not had a holiday in 4 years)

But what’s annoying me is what he brought me back as a gift. It’s something I would bring my sister or brother back from holidays. it was just to impersonal, and didn't cost very much.

He had plenty of opportunity to get me something else, there was loads of shopping so that’s not the issue.

I’m just annoyed as I didn’t get a birthday present (told him no presents for another reason) and at Christmas we said “no presents”. Ended up getting each other something small in the end though. I’m not all about the presents, I’m really not, but it’s like he didn't even think to get me something nice after me being all on my own over most of the Christmas, no Christmas or birthday presents and not having a holiday in 4 years, while we was living it up in the sun. It's like he barely gave me a second thought.

When I came back into work my colleagues were asking what did he bring me back and I was kind of embarrassed telling them. They all came out and said “that’s crap!”

I just want to air my grievance as I’m too embarrassed to tell anyone I know in case they think I’m being a diva, but I just help being annoyed. I’m very stubborn and once I get something in my head, I find it hard to carry on as normal.


So am I right, or do I need to cop on to myself and get over it?!

OP, I think you've muddied the waters mentioning the "no presents" deal for Christmas and birthday, which I'm guessing you mentioned because you wanted to show that you're not "all about the presents".

The issue is that your partner left you home alone over the Christmas period, your first Christmas together in your new home, to go on the holiday of a lifetime. I believe you when you say you don't mind that he went and you understand why you couldn't go. It seems to me that your problem is that your partner doesn't seem to appreciate the sacrifice you've made and that a thoughtful gesture, i.e. a thoughtful present from Australia, would have gone a good way to recognising your sacrifice.

If I'm understanding correctly, I see no harm in talking to your partner about this and helping him understand how you feel, otherwise it might end up becoming a bigger problem if you can't let it go.

sydthebeat

We live in such a materialistic world .....

Zen65

Embarrassingly annoyed wrote: »

It may not sound like it, but I really have no problem not getting a birthday or Christmas present, as I meant what I said. As I said it sucked alright not having the Christmas I was hoping for, but I that's life.

I really just thought in light of getting no Christmas or birthay present (yes, even though I said not to!), being left at home on my own over the Christmas period, while he's on a once in a lifetime holiday in the sun on the other side of the world (which I'll probably never see), he'd put a bit of effort or thought into it and would like the get me something nice.

Hi Op,

Of course you're feeling neglected. If you look at this from your side then it seems he went off to have a great time and abandoned you to a lonely Christmas.

But try looking at the same story from his side. He obliged his mother by escorting her on the holiday of a lifetime for her. His role seems to have been chaperone. He was not away on a "lads' holiday". Sure, if they met with family they probably enjoyed themselves, but he would not have been there without you if it had not been to allow his mum to treat herself. He sounds like a caring guy that he would go on a holiday with her. I'd have found it difficult to travel with my mother when she was alive, and especially so if my wife were not with me.

I'm sure he probably realises he may have more years without her than he will have with her. That's life, and it's great that they had that time together while she was able to travel. If you make an issue over your present then you could spoil that memory for him.

As for the present itself, well honestly you have to take at least 50% responsibility for your own disappointment. Personally I'd say it's 90% your own doing, since you actually said 'no presents' in relation to Christmas. He very possibly would have been happy to spend time looking for a present if you'd asked him to bring you back something nice (which, by the way, you'd have been perfectly entitled to ask for since you were facilitating his trip). In the course of your relationship together, openness and honesty in all matters is critical, and the many real problems you will face together will be easier to overcome if you could abide by a commitment to always be honest with one another.

Put this behind you. This year try to save up to take a holiday away together and do something special with your trip. Focus your frustration on making the future special, rather than revisiting the past to make it seem worse.

Be at peace,

Z

fits

Not going into detail but if I was op I would be a little annoyed too. No Christmas presents doesn't mean the same thing as no present after taking an amazing holiday after Christmas without me. just say it to him op.

Deenie123

boobar wrote: »

You said no presents.

Yes you need to cop yourself on.

No, they both agreed not to do birthday presents or Christmas, but ended up doing small gifts at Christmas. I see no mention of her ever saying "don't get me anything in australia".

As for copping on..? Maybe he is the one who ought to cop on. She agreed to spend Christmas home alone so he could head off on his holiday. He thanks her for this with.., a couple of small nick-nacks bought at the last minute on the way home. When you buy a holiday souvenir it says "I thought of you when I was in this nice place and thought you would like this". What he did says "I remembered you at the last minute and figured I better get you something, here's what I managed to find while killing time in the airport".

As I said, bringing nothing home would have been less insulting then airport nick-nacks.

enda1

I never buy my partner presents when I travel. I would have thought talking on the phone/email show's a lot more attention and thought than handing money over in a shop to buy love!

OP. I'd chill and learn how to throw the boomerang* he got you!

*Reading between the lines!

tinkerbell

OP, you're completely in the wrong here. You tell him no presents for birthday and Christmas and then repeatedly mention that because you got no presents for birthday and Christmas that you should've gotten a present after Christmas. You really need to start practicing what you preach. He's not a mindreader and it's not like he paid for this big holiday either - his mother did. Yes it sucks you couldn't go too but that's not your partner's fault, you're just gonna have to get over it.

DeltaWhite

One thing I've learned from living with 4 men, working in a job with 15 men and from being with my boyfriend is that you REALLY have to spell things out for them. You cant say one thing and then expect another from them. NOTE: I'm not generalising or slating all men, just the ones currently in my life

I can totally see where you're coming from about being upset that you were alone over Christmas. That sucks OP. But moving on from this, look forward to this year now instead. Your best bet is to just move on from this I think.

And this year, tell him something you want/like for Birthday/Christmas, and then you wont be left disappointed.

gazzer

What date did he go on the holiday? Where you alone on Christmas Day or was he with you?

LegacyUser

OP here…Just to clarify a few things… it may sound like my OH escorted his elderly mother on a holiday of a lifetime for her but she’s been over a few times over the last few years, so this was nothing new for her and she’s young so it’s not like it’s her last big hurrah. She could’ve brought her husband, but I think she just wanted him to experience it for himself and go over and see family.

Yes I was disappointment that they went at Christmas time, but I completely understood that it was the right time for them to go, to take advantage of the Christmas holidays. If you knew me you’d know how much I’d been looking forward to spending our first Christmas in our new house after a couple of years house hunting and years of living in a cramped, one-bedroom apartment. Every Christmas we seemed to say “maybe this time next year we’ll be having Christmas in our own home”. Yes, I was disappointment, but I got over it without causing any fuss, as , contrary to what I might be coming across as , I’m not a spoiled brat who sulks when she doesn’t get her own way.

Someone asked when was it arranged – it was around October.

It would’ve been nice to think that he thought to himself “I must get herself something nice, seeing as she was cool about me going away at Christmas and not having the Christmas she finally thought she was going to have and being left at home on her own". It's not the lack of decent present, it’s the lack of thought and understanding to how I was feeling.

skallywag

DeltaWhite wrote: »

One thing I've learned from living with 4 men, working in a job with 15 men and from being with my boyfriend is that you REALLY have to spell things out for them. You cant say one thing and then expect another from them

Could one conclude that women usually say one thing to each other but expect another?

OP, I think that you are being unreasonable in your expectation here. What were you honestly expecting?

When did it become the norm to bring back lavish gifts for one's partner when travelling abroad? If I am away I would always bring my misses back something, but it would be small and usually some type of trinket or ornament which would largely be representative of where I have been, i.e. usually something which will adorn our house somewhere.

More often that not I would also buy this at the airport, large airports in particular have massive gift shops with a huge range of goods. I really don't get this 'gift from the airport' slight, is the expectation really that someone spends hours traipsing around a place that they are not familiar with looking for the ideal gift?

Big Bag of Chips

We can all sit here all day telling you what he should or shouldn't have done, or what you should or shouldn't have said, or whether or not we'd be upset about it...

But at the end of the day he didn't bring you back something thoughtful, you are upset about it, so tell him.

Pawwed Rig

I wouldn't consider a holiday with my mother to visit relatives a holiday of a lifetime either. I think there is a jealousy issue here with respect to him going on hols but also an issue where the OP does not seem to have any other support apart from her partner. Why not go visiting while he was away?

Neyite

Embarrassingly annoyed wrote: »

OP here…Just to clarify a few things… it may sound like my OH escorted his elderly mother on a holiday of a lifetime for her but she’s been over a few times over the last few years, so this was nothing new for her and she’s young so it’s not like it’s her last big hurrah. She could’ve brought her husband, but I think she just wanted him to experience it for himself and go over and see family.

Yes I was disappointment that they went at Christmas time, but I completely understood that it was the right time for them to go, to take advantage of the Christmas holidays. If you knew me you’d know how much I’d been looking forward to spending our first Christmas in our new house after a couple of years house hunting and years of living in a cramped, one-bedroom apartment. Every Christmas we seemed to say “maybe this time next year we’ll be having Christmas in our own home”. Yes, I was disappointment, but I got over it without causing any fuss, as , contrary to what I might be coming across as , I’m not a spoiled brat who sulks when she doesn’t get her own way.

Someone asked when was it arranged – it was around October.

It would’ve been nice to think that he thought to himself “I must get herself something nice, seeing as she was cool about me going away at Christmas and not having the Christmas she finally thought she was going to have and being left at home on her own". It's not the lack of decent present, it’s the lack of thought and understanding to how I was feeling.

Honestly, I think in your position I'd be a bit miffed too. But mostly about MIL buying a ticket to take him halfway around the world instead of spending your first Christmas together in your own home. It should have been discussed with him first, then he be given the chance to talk to you about it before any ticket gets booked.

The crap gift would just compound the impression that your feelings and wishes are not in the running for consideration.

Do you get on with his mother?

Wabbit Ears

A blokes thought process when travelling.

We speak on Skype every day, I miss her when Im away but I always put aside time to let her know I'm thinking about her. I use the words, " Im thinking about you" several times in every conversation. She still says I don't think about her when I'm away.

My wife likes jewellery and I know that if I bought her jewellery shed be happy but I'd also be given out to for spending money unnecessarily, after all travelling isn't a birthday or a Christmas present sort of thing.

She like perfume, shoes, clothes, undies etc, I always get those wrong but she cant return those things when bought abroad.

My wife likes chocolate. I buy her local chocolate in duty free on the way home.

pwurple

Embarrassingly annoyed wrote: »

When I came back into work my colleagues were asking what did he bring me back and I was kind of embarrassed telling them. They all came out and said “that’s crap!”

This bit made me cringe. Being embarrassed over something so completely trivial. Yikes. Have a laugh at it, or mention ye had a No Present agreement.

But, ignoring the first world problem of the gift itself, it sounds like his mum doesn't take your relationship seriously, as she didn't consider you going on this trip too. Might be one of those that thinks you're still a fling until you are married.

Glinda

OP I understand why you are feeling hurt, but one of the harder things about having a grown up relationship is that you have to put aside your normal defences and be truthful with your partner about what you need and want.

Embarrassingly annoyed wrote: »

Yes I was disappointment that they went at Christmas time, but I completely understood that it was the right time for them to go, to take advantage of the Christmas holidays. If you knew me you’d know how much I’d been looking forward to spending our first Christmas in our new house after a couple of years house hunting and years of living in a cramped, one-bedroom apartment. Every Christmas we seemed to say “maybe this time next year we’ll be having Christmas in our own home”. Yes, I was disappointment, but I got over it without causing any fuss



It would’ve been nice to think that he thought to himself “I must get herself something nice, seeing as she was cool about me going away at Christmas and not having the Christmas she finally thought she was going to have and being left at home on her own". It's not the lack of decent present, it’s the lack of thought and understanding to how I was feeling.

Did you honestly explain to your partner how you felt about the trip? There is nothing wrong with how you felt, but it comes across that you may have been trying to paint yourself in a saintly light with him and then blaming him for not appreciating that you were only putting on a good face. It would be better to be truthful (i.e. that of course you were disappointed but that you really wanted him to go). That's a perfectly reasonable and loving stance to take.

Dropping hints and then resenting when they aren't picked up is unassertive, even passive aggressive, especially when combined with misleading information that everything is ok with you (when it isn't) about the trip.

You should definitely tell him the truth now. Be careful not to overstate it though and to be good-humoured if you can. Tell him gently (when you are both calm and in good form) that you were surprised that he didn't get you something better. Then genuinely listen to what he says about why.

Experience suggests the reason will be because he genuinely hadn't a clue that you were expecting him to. He might be upset, but at least you'll be having an honest conversation.

In future, I agree with the other posters, if you have needs or wants, step up and communicate honestly with him. That gives you both the best chance of making each other happy.

LegacyUser

I kind of know how you feel, though in a less extreme way. My partner left me, (not at christmas) to go on a trip of a lifetime with his friend. And it hurt that he just left without really discussing it with me, not that I would have or had a right to, say I wasn't too happy with it. It's just being left out of some major plans and events in his life that can sting a little.

My partner brought me back a thoughtful gift, which he picked up at stage 1 of his 3 stage trip, which showed me he did think of me, even if he wasn't the best at showing it. I think you should ask your partner about the trip and then tell him you felt a bit lonely over Christmas without him. You obviously care enough about each other to be buying a house, I think he might be able to help you see that you were thought of. Maybe he thinks the gifts have meanings. I always bring back a rubber duck for my baby sister when I'm away, even if I buy them at the airport, as she collects them. Maybe he thought it was something you'd want, even if it doesn't seem like it? I think you should talk to him anyway, as you'll just end up more upset on your own.