Always expected to pick up the slack

LegacyUser

My family always expect me to pick up the slack. Because I am a stay at home parent I have been told I should take in and care for our older parents. They aren't able to live alone any longer. My siblings said as they have high paid high pressure jobs that can;t be changed they can't help, I'm at home anyway so I should be the one doing it.
They take so much advantage of our parents and always have done. They use them for babysitting a lot and always say I don't need the same help from them because I am at home. They never offer me help, even when I ask nicely when I'm stuck.
I have told them I do not want to be a full time carer for our parents. I have young childnre and I am busy enough. Also now the children are starting school I wanted to look for a parttime job. And have some of my time back.
My husband told them to get lost and come up with another plan. My parents told me they know other siblings are far too busy in important careers to be taking them in.
I am stuck in the middle.

Teyla Emmagan

Tell your busy and important siblings to stump up the money for a carer for your parents. Even 24 hours if needs be. If they are doing that amazingly in their careers they can afford it. Also tell them you are planning on going back to work/college and won't be available. Had no one considered the impact this will have on your homelife?

Sounds like they are all taking you for granted. Stand up for yourself. Old parents are a shared responsibility. If your siblings can't contribute time they can contribute cash.

R.D. aka MR.D

I agree totally with the other poster. My sibling and I have agreed that neither of us want the responsibility of our parents and have both agreed to set money aside so neither of us are burdened.

If you all contribute equally then there shouldn't be a problem.

LegacyUser

Not sure why you feel stuck in the middle - your husband has backed you, fair play to him, so there is no middle, just two other parties, your siblings and parents, who have a plan you don't agree with and won't go along with.

If I was you I'd stop engaging with their proposals at all beyond saying no to them. Let them come up with alternatives, don't take responsibility for that yourself. You can be part of a solution, but that doesn't put the onus on you to come up with that solution or be the majority of it. You have your own life and your own family, put those things first and don't feel guilty for doing so.

Neyite

Say that you planned to return to work, and that if your siblings can chip in and match what your salary would be, you'll consider it. Or, you'll do it in exchange for all your parent's assets to be signed over to you. I'm betting they will, as your husband suggested, come up with a better plan.

They cant force you take in your parents. I'd do radio silence on the lot of them for a while - not like you need them for anything anyway?

Wabbit Ears

They have higher incomes than you so simply say that it is their responsibility to pay the majority share for the care of your parents. Also point out that anyone who thinks being a stay at home parent isn't a high pressure full time job is a fcuking idiot who needs a reality check.

OUTDOORLASS

If a parent is in a Nursing Home, and if you contribute towards the cost of it, then you can claim it back, like a medical claim, at the end of the tax year. I dont know, but maybe private home care is the same. If their jobs are so good and wel paid, maybe they could use use the services of some of these companies and claim the cost back from the heaps of tax
they pay. Private home care nursing services are popping up in abundance at the moment, due to the demand for that
kind of service.

Glinda

OP, you sound like maybe you're not confident in your own decision here - are the others putting you under pressure or are you feeling guilty and pressured yourself?

That's not meant as any criticism, just maybe something to think about. If you are happy that this is something you aren't prepared to do then you can just say (firmly) "No, that's not an option".

You don't have to give a reason (that just gives people ammunition for chipping away at your resolve). If they press you for a reason why, you can just reply that you've thought about it and it's not something you're in a position to take on. (Then maybe ask them whether its something they can take on themselves). End of discussion.

Also, one more small piece of advice: don't apologise if you haven't done anything wrong. By which I mean "look, I'm really sorry but I can't do this right now" or "I would do it but I'm sorry, I just can't right now because..." or similar unassertive phrasing.

Best of luck and I hope you get it sorted out!

LegacyUser

I would get someone to mind your children outside your home and invite your brothers and sisters to your house.
You need to have your husband with you. I would then tell your brothers and sisters that you have noticed that your parents need more care and you all need to chat about this and decided what to do next. I would then tell them that you are planning to go back to work so you can't become there carer.

They may not be happy to hear this but you need to stand your ground with them. It is unfair of them or your parents to expect you to put your life on hold to make life easier for the rest of the family. The reality is you have a young family and you have to consider how this will impact on you and them long term.
Once you work outside the home you will be paying a stamp towards your own state pension. You can put money into a pension for yourself. This extra income may enable you to save some money as well as keeping the bills paid with a growing family.

The reality is if they are all earning so much let them put there hand in there pockets to pay for help for your parents care.