Abuse: starvation, hitting etc <MOD WARNING POST #12>

Saster123

Basically, I turned 18 in the summer and tried to run away from home. It didn't work out and I've been dragged back and the abuse is getting to a point where I am wondering if I will be able to stay alive for the next 4 months. If you want to know the details you can read the history, but that's really long so I recommend skipping to 'recent history'. I just wanted to stress the fact I'm not exaggerating and casually tossing the word 'abuse' around because this is the real deal. Emotionally and physically.

History of me and my parents

6-12yrs
When I was very young my father split up with my mother (they got back together when I was 12), but since that initial split I have been the scapegoat. The first time she hit me I was about 8 and she apologised and things were okay on the physical front for years. She'd always shriek at me and she had a very bleak world. She used to say things like "this world is hell". She's vaguely Christian, but only the parts that condemn people none of the 'love thy neighbour parts. Apparently my dad had an affair before they split up and apparently I was there and I stayed silent. I don't remember anything like that happening, but my mum is very insistent that I kept silent and betrayed her. My mum got pregnant to some guy she barely knew and gave birth. The baby died a few weeks after coming home but the doctors could never explain how,. they thought it might have had a heart attack. The night it died I was asleep in the same room with my mum and woke to her screaming. This marks the tipping point of our relationship. Beyond this point she has shown me nothing but contempt. The funeral was the last time she told me she loved me without someone forcing her too.
12-18yrs
We moved to Ireland, my parents re-married it was okay for a while- for them. She continued to abuse me and I was struggling with xenophobia at school. Kids used to cut up my bag and coats and then I'd get into trouble at home. My mum and I started to get close again... well by that I mean she was using me for slave labour during the summer. I'd get about 6eur for selling her stuff from 10 till 4pm. I did this all summer and made a few adult friends. I was always a more mature kid who belonged in a more adult social group even way back then. Anyway on my birthday one of the girls at the market offered to take me out for cake. foolishly I left my stall... 20eur went missing from the float. I didn't realise. My mum accused me of stealing and all I could do, was cry because I'd never stolen anything in my life. I think I was 13 at the time, this is when the beatings really started getting bad. To this day she still brings this up. It was at this age that she started telling me that in Ireland parents were allowed to hit their children. I believed her and it was only recently I found out it wasn't true. I always just assumed this is what family life was like.

When I was under 16 she used to scream and attack me so much that I wouldn't be able to breath. I'd be trying to breath in but crying too much. A few times I passed out and a few time I wet myself. When I was seventeen my friend committed suicide and I started to be really depressed. I never told anyone but about midway through the year I tried to commit suicide by jumping off a bridge. unfortunately or fortunately, I was able to swim to the surface despite the rocks in my pockets. I got into trouble for being a sopping mess when I got home but I just pretended I'd been mucking about at the river.

The abuse continued to get worse, dad never helped, school was awful. People used to write 'go die english bitch' and draw penises on my locker. My room was damp and all my clothes smelled of damp and so I got labelled smelly. When the summer holidays came my friend asked me to dog sit for a week. and I did. I just didn't come home. I successfully worked at a hostel during the day and the local bar during the evening. I did online surveys and loads of 'iwriter' and things of that ilk. I lived reasonably well and my parents didn't actually ring me or anything for nearly the entire event. which was shocking to me. Eventually, mum came and dragged me back. It was a few days before my birthday and in my heart I knew I wouldn't be able to afford my leaving certificate alone. She took the money out of my wallet as 'rent' and was originally charging me 30eur for my room (ironically 18eur more than my room at the hostel) of course I no longer had a job so she eventually had to give up on that once she had run out of things to steal. Honestly I didn't really care about what she took. When I ran away I only had clothes, my phone, my mp3 and my old gameboy advance.

Recent History

I still had 500euro. I had put 100 euro in my post account, had 100 or so euro in my PayPal and had 300 hidden inside a Japanese dictionary I had bought (I thought it was a safe place since really who is so hard up they'd steal a dictionary?). I've been using this money to pay for phone credit each month because it also supplies me with internet and is my only real escape. However, the poor treatment has been affecting my grades. I've gone from an A-B student in everything to a C at best student. I only have to survive a few more months. I already have arrangements ready for when the leaving certificate is over. At the moment I'm nearly finished an online TEFL course and I have already been interviewed and accepted for an internship in Taiwan. I've worked really hard sorting this out. but I still have to survive long enough to get there.

As I write this the only things I have eaten in the last two days is some bread I stole out of the bird feeder and some crackers. Dad is away on work related business and she has been starving me. every time I come out of my room she starts fighting at me. She says she wants me to apologise, but I don't know what for and I'm not brave enough to ask. When I say sorry she just says it isn't sincere and shouts more. It's been really scary. I have plenty of water, but right now I'm starving hungry and all I can think about is food. Dad should be back soon so I know I won't starve, but if any of you have advice that is what I really need right now. Just don't tell me to ring someone and report them because I can't do that. It goes against my morals to report family and I don't want my father getting caught up in the blame (he's really old and I don't want him to die from the stress).

All I need is advice on how to survive the next couple of months. If anyone knows about some good cheap easily concealable foods (and that includes easily concealable while preparing) please tell me. I have a little gas cooker hidden away but I'll have to secretly borrow pans etc and put them back discretely. I don't have any friends who can help. My mum scared them off threatening legal action against them if they let me stay with them and no one is prepared to take that risk. Also if anyone has advice for what I should do once I'm away from home for instance I recently learned my pps number. If you can think of anything that a parent is meant to tell you about like that you can assume that they haven't so please put it in the comments below.


Thank You for reading and please don't worry about me, the worst of this nightmare is behind me and the short percent of time between now and my freedom is pretty much irrelevant. I will be entirely cut off from my abusive mother and our cancerous relationship will cease to be.

Stavro Mueller

I seem to remember you posting about this before. Have you ever gone looking for help about this?

Saster123

Stavro Mueller wrote: »

I seem to remember you posting about this before. Have you ever gone looking for help about this?

I tried, I told a few of my adult friends and they let me stage for a while, but my mother threatened them. She said that they didn't have parental consent and that if they tried to keep me she'd use her contacts to have them locked up. No one is prepared to risk that much and honestly I don't feel it would be right to ask them to.

Stavro Mueller

Social services? At this stage you're 18 and an adult.

Saster123

Stavro Mueller wrote: »

Social services? At this stage you're 18 and an adult.

I can't do it. I've tried, but it's just not something I can do. Also I've always been scared of being put up for adoption, I know some kids who have been put through that or fostering. They all seem worse off, they all say it gets worse. So I've stuck it out.

Stavro Mueller

Well, at 18 years of age you aren't going to be put up for adoption. Other posters will be able to advice you better than me but I'd have thought you'd be entitled to social welfare and help from a community welfare officer. Think about it - there are people who don't have anywhere to live and it's not because of their family.

Or you could look into getting a job/part-time job and moving into a house share?

gavindublin

Im no help with any type of advice but i can help with the bits you need. Are you based in dublin??

Saster123

gavindublin wrote: »

Im no help with any type of advice but i can help with the bits you need. Are you based in dublin??

Not Dublin, Co.Tipperary

Neyite

Saster, would you consider speaking to someone in Women's Aid? They help women who need to flee the home due to abuse- women like you. They can advise you how to safely plan to get away, what will be useful to gather beforehand, and also put you in touch with social welfare knowledge.

I honestly cannot praise them enough. Please contact them. You could probably email them if you are concerned about your mother eavesdropping.

1800 341 900 or helpline@womensaid.ie

Very best of luck to you.

iusedtoknow

You are being abused, this you know.

You are 18 and are an adult, you will not be adopted or put into care. You also have 100's of resources available to you such as womans aid and everything that social services have to offer.

Call them - tonight. Get help. You need it. You need to get out of the house as soon as you can.

It is cases like yours that make me glad Ireland has a social net to help.

kylith

As you are over 18 your mother cannot force you to live in her house and you can just pack your bags and walk out the door at any time. Your mother cannot threaten anyone you stay with with legal action as you are an adult and once you confirm you have not been abducted the Gardai will simply tell her that you have moved out and there's nothing she can do about it.

Contact the Social Welfare about help with finances, accommodation, and your school fees. Talk to your school counsellor too; a girl I was in school couldn't afford her Leaving Cert and the school were able to help her out with it. Contact Woman's Aid too, even if they can't help you directly they will be able to put you in touch with the people who can.

In the meantime start planning to get out and be strong.

Tokyo

gavindublin wrote: »

Im no help with any type of advice but i can help with the bits you need. Are you based in dublin??

Mod Note:

gavindublin (and others who might be contemplating the same thing) - while I appreciate the sentiment of your offer, the Personal Issues forum is an advice only forum - PM exchanges and offers of meeting outside of the forum will not be supported, and if we suspect as such, we will have no choice but to close the thread and infract the offenders.

Regards,
Mike

Mr. Incognito

You need to sit your step dad down and tell him everything.

You need to get out of this abusive situation pronto.

You can always resit your leaving next year. Get yourself in a safe environment first.

Can you contact your Dad? Any other family members?

Saster123

Mr. Incognito wrote: »

You need to sit your step dad down and tell him everything.

You need to get out of this abusive situation pronto.

You can always resit your leaving next year. Get yourself in a safe environment first.

Can you contact your Dad? Any other family members?

He's my real dad, my mum remarried him, but he's too old. I've talked to him before and he feels just as abused by her, but he thinks he is too old to split with her now and last time he left it was rough because she got so much of his money. He's basically just sticking it out like me. I don't have any extended family except an uncle who on the child offenders list so nooooooooo.

I don't want to resit the leaving, school is a living hell for me. I get spat on and my property destroyed and when I report stuff nothing happens to them and I feel like i'm in trouble

Stavro Mueller

Look, take Neyite's advice and contact Women's Aid for advice. Maybe you will be able to get out of home, live somewhere else locally and go to your school.

iusedtoknow

Saster123 wrote: »

I don't want to resit the leaving, school is a living hell for me. I get spat on and my property destroyed and when I report stuff nothing happens to them and I feel like i'm in trouble

You don't have to go to school to do the leaving cert. I remember when I sat the LC in 2003 we had people sitting the cert with us who had gone to other schools (like College of Comm in Cork) and wanted to do the exams close to home. Most towns also make arrangements for people that are home schooled etc.

A friend of mine had personal/family issues when we were in 6th year and sat his leaving cert at 21 - and is now doing really well for himself, it took him a while to get everything together.

Please talk to social welfare and they will do everything in their power to primarily make sure you are safe and taken care of.

daisydood

Hi. I seen your post and felt I had to reply. I work with children whom have been abused so I completely understand why you don't feel like you are able to report your mam. She is still your mam at the end of the day. However I would urge you to get out of the house as soon as you possibly can safely. You are being toured mentally,physically and emotionally and you certainly need help.
There are many services within Ireland to deal with situations like this. As other posters have stated you should contact women's aid. Next I would go to the community welfare officer and explain your situation there is an exceptional needs payment which you may be entitled to given the circumstances. As you are over 18,your mother legally has no say over what you do anymore so if you can get out safely then do so ASAP. If you have friends in the area see if you can stay for a night or two. Your mother can legally do nothing to your friends as you are a consenting adult and you made the choice to leave.
Another option would be talking to the home school liason officer in your school or maybe a counsellor.
Whatever your decision please be safe and remember there are lots of people and services who do care and who can help you if you let them. You don't have to be afraid and the most important thing to remember is you have done nothing wrong and are not to blame but you now need to take the appropriate steps to get yourself help. Thinking of you xx

Clonmel1000

Cuan Saor Clonmel women's refuge ASAP 052 6127557

Roselm

I'm wondering if you should look into getting a passport if you don't already have one so you have proof of identity. You will need one to travel abroad obviously.
As regards food St Vincent de Paul can give you food if you can get to one-not sure where they are based for this service though.
Im really rooting for you.I hope you can get this to all work out for you. Best wishes

Roselm

If you can at some point you should try to get your birth cert off your mam assuming she has it

Shrap

Roselm wrote: »

If you can at some point you should try to get your birth cert off your mam assuming she has it

Yes, at least a copy, although you can get one sent to you at another address - unfortunately costs 40 euro, but you'll need an original if you ever need to apply for social welfare. http://www.birthsdeathsmarriages.ie/

Also, medical card. Steal it from your mother (it's yours. not really stealing) and make out you know nothing if she asks.

A passport is trickier if you don't already have one still in date. If you were born in England and aren't an Irish citizen I'm afraid it costs 150 euro to get one posted to here, which is daylight robbery. But even the Irish ones cost 80 euro.

However, please please just go to someone for help. You can do all this much easier from outside of that hell-hole, and you don't have to stay in that school either. You could go anywhere that you'd be looked after, let be, fed, and let get on with your leaving cert studies and you'd do better in the LC in any other school than trying to do all this on a couple of crackers and a world of abuse. The Clonmel shelter sounds like a plan, as does Women's Aid. Jaysus, it cuts me up that I can't just come and rescue you myself :mad:

Saster123

Hey guys, just to say I got my passport renewed (a few years back I got picked to be part of this pilgrimage to Lourdes as one of the carers) it's still going to be good for 3 more years. I have a photocopy of my passport, but I can probably get the real thing via my dad. As for medical card I don't think mine has been renewed since it last expired.I have no idea where my birth certificate would be kept, it might be in storage in which case I won't be able to find it easily...
Is there anything else?
I don't have a bank account and when I leave I'll need one set up (perhaps I can use this opportunity to get my birth certificate off my father discretely?)

I know a lot of you are urging me to leave immediately, but I've stuck it out this far. The way I see it I'm leaving the house to go to school at 8am and i'm not home again till 5pm. I'm just keeping in my room studying. This means that most confrontations happen at the weekend and usually over dinner. I can survive the few months left without complicating things. I think it will be easier to get the artifacts I need and make a clean break.

Roselm

Saster123 wrote: »

Hey guys, just to say I got my passport renewed (a few years back I got picked to be part of this pilgrimage to Lourdes as one of the carers) it's still going to be good for 3 more years. I have a photocopy of my passport, but I can probably get the real thing via my dad. As for medical card I don't think mine has been renewed since it last expired.I have no idea where my birth certificate would be kept, it might be in storage in which case I won't be able to find it easily...
Is there anything else?
I don't have a bank account and when I leave I'll need one set up (perhaps I can use this opportunity to get my birth certificate off my father discretely?)

I know a lot of you are urging me to leave immediately, but I've stuck it out this far. The way I see it I'm leaving the house to go to school at 8am and i'm not home again till 5pm. I'm just keeping in my room studying. This means that most confrontations happen at the weekend and usually over dinner. I can survive the few months left without complicating things. I think it will be easier to get the artifacts I need and make a clean break.

To open a bank account you'll need photo id(your passport) and proof of address. Could you get something official sent to your dads so you could use it as proof-I imagine your mum will intercept any post to her house with your name on it?
Id ring a bank or email to ask what you need for a first/student bank account.When youre older they ask for a recent bill(usually gas or electricity) from thre past 3 months with your own name on it but no 18 year old will have that so best to check what they need instead.

suicide_circus

OP, people are advising you to move out immediately but you don't seem to want to do this. I would honestly recommend that you seek professional help and have yourself psychologically assessed, it is unlikely that you went through that much abuse and came out the other side mentally unscathed.

Stavro Mueller

OP you also seem to be working on the assumption that nothing too much will change in the house over the coming months. Your mother sounds so unhinged that she could flip some day and trash your bedroom or lock you out of the house. Perhaps do something awful like lock you into your bedroom when the leaving cert comes along do you can't do your exams and gain independence.

Roselm

Stavro Mueller wrote: »

OP you also seem to be working on the assumption that nothing too much will change in the house over the coming months. Your mother sounds so unhinged that she could flip some day and trash your bedroom or lock you out of the house. Perhaps do something awful like lock you into your bedroom when the leaving cert comes along do you can't do your exams and gain independence.

I thought of this too.And I thougt itd be best not to keep all your money in one spot so even if one lot is found you still have the other.

Shrap

Ok, practically speaking - if you're not going to take the overwhelming advice to get the hell out of there immediately - open a credit union account with the 300 in the dictionary. Then keep the account booklet in the dictionary. You should probably not open a bank acc yet as they'll be posting out cards to you (which may get intercepted) and you may need more proof of ID (although I think you can request not to have a card). The credit union should let you open an acc with just a driver's license or passport (photo ID). Edit: I'm wrong. They'll need proof of address too, and just realised you don't still have 300, you've had to live off it in the meantime :-/

Anytime you have any bit of cash, stick it in the Credit Union as they do give loans based on your last 6 months saving history. Repayments on a small loan can be really doable, and you might need a loan at some stage soon. In fact, you could get clever. Open the account with 10 euro, and over the rest of the weeks till after your leaving cert, save into it using the rest of the 300. 10 per week should be enough for you to qualify for a loan then.

As for how you won't starve. Aldi. Single person dinners: Tortelloni (filled pasta in a small vacuum sealed pack) & pesto sauce would cost you under 3 euro altogether and you'd only need 1/2 the jar of pesto. Boil them for about 10 mins, stir in sauce, that's it. Obviously, cheap beans/spag/meatballs/other canned meals which are easily heated, packs of flavoured noodles, packs of flavoured rice. Any of these in Aldi will cost you well under a euro. Sometimes they have little salami snack sausages which will store for a long time. Cereal bars are very cheap there too and are easily concealed. Cheese will go off quick, but you'll need protein so eggs might be better - again, both from Aldi.

If I think of anything else, I'll let you know.

NamelessPhil

Shrap wrote: »

Yes, at least a copy, although you can get one sent to you at another address - unfortunately costs 40 euro, but you'll need an original if you ever need to apply for social welfare. http://www.birthsdeathsmarriages.ie/:

Please don't use that website, it's a third party organisation charging double. The correct site is www.certificates.ie run by the HSE and costs only €20.

OP please get help from an outside organisation, you only have one life and getting out is very important.

Shrap

Nice one dude, didn't know that at all :cool:

sReq | uTeK

You're 18.... leave, you can make an application for your birth cert, it costs 10 euro and all you need is a form of ID.

Stavro Mueller

sReq | uTeK wrote: »

You're 18.... leave, you can make an application for your birth cert, it costs 10 euro and all you need is a form of ID.

That's for Ireland though? I think the OP was born in the UK.

OP even if you're determined to stay put, please give Women's Aid a call. Look at it as an information gathering exercise. You might get some useful advice nobody here will think of and help you plan your exit. It's not you making a formal complaint or shopping anyone to the authorities.