insecure or is she cheating

LegacyUser

My partner told me recently that they want to go back to the gym with a mutual friend of ours. The problem for me is that they had an affair together before our relationship started, when my partner was still married.
My partner says that it was more that going to the gym created this feeling of happiness and euphoria that got transferred onto our mutual friend and that the fact that the marriage was hell meant that the gym and our friend was the sole shining beacon of hope. She tells me she happy in our relationship and just wants to get back exercising. I have offered to go with but I'm more a weights as opposed to cardio workout user.

I feel very uncomfortable about this but don't want to be seen to be a nag or over jealous and controlling. I trust my partner but have been burnt in the past so maybe I'm just afraid of what might happen.

Help..

Dog of Tears

So she was previously married and started going to the gym with a guy and eventually cheated on her husband with him.

Now she's with you and wants to start going to the gym with this same guy?

Bit of a pattern to this - I wouldn't be happy at all with this if I were you.

Neyite

What does she plan to do when she gets all..er..euphoric at the gym again?

Me personally, I'd be giving two choices - go to the gym with him, but pack up your stuff first, or, find another mate, preferably one she didn't cheat on her partner with to go to the gym with you.

LegacyUser

We are both single parents now and the time she would be in the gym is time we would normally spend together. She is adamant that now that I'm in her life that there is no attraction to this guy.

pookie82

insecure or is she cheating wrote: »

My partner told me recently that they want to go back to the gym with a mutual friend of ours. The problem for me is that they had an affair together before our relationship started, when my partner was still married.
My partner says that it was more that going to the gym created this feeling of happiness and euphoria that got transferred onto our mutual friend and that the fact that the marriage was hell meant that the gym and our friend was the sole shining beacon of hope. She tells me she happy in our relationship and just wants to get back exercising. I have offered to go with but I'm more a weights as opposed to cardio workout user.

I feel very uncomfortable about this but don't want to be seen to be a nag or over jealous and controlling. I trust my partner but have been burnt in the past so maybe I'm just afraid of what might happen.

Help..

Why on earth does going to the gym necessitate going WITH the person she previously cheated with? Can she not just go alone?

Tokyo

Sounds like she still feeds off of the attentions of this guy. Tell her that you're not comfortable with it, given their history, and the choice rests with her. IF she picks him over you, then...

power pants

100% agree with all the above

Doesn't look too great tbh

LegacyUser

pookie82 wrote: »

Why on earth does going to the gym necessitate going WITH the person she previously cheated with? Can she not just go alone?

It's always easier going to the gym with someone to motivate you. But why not pick someone else?

Hard to believe there's no one else to go to the gym with.

LegacyUser

Thanks all. I'll talk to her tonight, suggest she find a different gym buddy to work out with or reconsider going with me.

Glad to know I'm not just crazy insecure.

FurBabyMomma

I never go the gym with anyone, I'm there to work out, not chat with a buddy. That said if she wants someone to go with it should certainly not be this guy. Also you mention it's the time she normally spends with you? Red flags all over the shop! Either you go together and she does cardiovascular while you do your weights or she goes with someone else. But tbh I wouldn't be surprised if she let's on she's going alone and meets him there. There has to be a reason she wants to meet with this particular man over you and I would say it's unfinished business.

Mr. Incognito

Gym my eye. Sweaty and showered. More like a hotel room.

jimmycrackcorm

I don't understand why you can't go to the gym with her. Surely doing cardio is not that bad and it would be good to at least have an activity to do together.

LegacyUser

Talk with her last night and she says she is only going with him because he asked and is looking for support and motivation to get back into it. These are all things I understand but I have made it clear that he isn't an acceptable gym buddy. There's too much history. She is thinking about it. Find out tomorrow if she goes with him or not.

DeltaWhite

Maybe it's just me but I feel it's the height of disrespect what she's doing.

There is no way in hell I would do that to my fella, the guy she cheated with, probably was the reason for the ending of her marriage, and she's STILL playing friends with him? Expects you to be fine with her going the gym with him?

Nope.

I'm sorry OP, but I personally don't believe for a second that you can be friends with a bloke who you slept with and possibly was the reason behind your marriage ending. If it was my fella and he came home telling me the same story, I would laugh him out of the house. No way would I stand for that.

pookie82

insecure or is she cheating wrote: »

Talk with her last night and she says she is only going with him because he asked and is looking for support and motivation to get back into it. These are all things I understand but I have made it clear that he isn't an acceptable gym buddy. There's too much history. She is thinking about it. Find out tomorrow if she goes with him or not.

She's THINKING about it? Ah here, you've made you position clear and no reasonable person would expect you to accept it.

You need to stand up for yourself a bit here and put the foot down, never mind letting her "think it over".

What's more important to her, your peace of mind or supporting the last fella she cheated with to get back on a treadmill?

strobe

Even I think this is bang out of order, and I'm normally of the opinion that what someone's partner does with other people, minus riding them, is their own business.

Whether or not there is any intent on her part, it's just ridiculously inconsiderate for her to put you in this position and expect you to be fine with it.

You can't go pandering to a partners insecurities, but you bare them in mind and don't go out of your way to foster them in them either.

moneymad

insecure or is she cheating wrote: »

Talk with her last night and she says she is only going with him because he asked and is looking for support and motivation to get back into it. These are all things I understand but I have made it clear that he isn't an acceptable gym buddy. There's too much history. She is thinking about it. Find out tomorrow if she goes with him or not.

Shes testing to see how much of a man you are. Tell her if she wants to go to the gym with him you're walking. Have some self respect.

Loughc

moneymad wrote: »

Shes testing to see how much of a man you are.

No she's not, she's just being selfish and wanting her cake and eat it too.

catonthewire

Personaly, I would never put someone that I truly loved in this situation, it's downright unfair!!!...


The gym is for working out, and this can be done alone, if he has a problem getting motivated then let him find someone other than your partner to go with...
The pair of them have a right cheek suggesting this given their previous history..
If you want to be trusted in a relationship , you have to show respect for your partner...

Next he will be asking her to the cinema because he's afraid of the dark..

Neyite

catonthewire wrote: »

Next he will be asking her to the cinema because he's afraid of the dark..

I laughed out loud at this. OP, I think you should say this to her.

I'm trying to think of one man I know that *needs* someone to go to the gym with him because he wont go by himself. I cant think of one. It strikes me as a very feminine thing to say - like when some women have to go to the loo in pairs in a pub, or wont go by themselves to aerobics classes, needing to drag a mate along.

LegacyUser

she is going with him.. I don't really know where this leaves us. Our lives are very intertwined but I am moving into the spare room tonight while I figure out what to do. I can't kick her out as much as I want to as her daughter lives with us, she is 7.

ur relationship is over. If that is what is important to her then how can I continue in this relationship

Tokyo

I'm sorry to hear that OP, but it sounds like she's made her choice.

While you feel that you can't 'kick her out', you can tell her that you want her to make alternate living arrangements as soon as possible, i.e. in the next week. I would presume that she has friends and family that she can stay with for a while?

LegacyUser

I have already told her to move out as soon as when she rang me to say she was going with him. She said I was over reacting etc.. that we would talk later but there's no reason to talk that I can see, she made her bed, let her lay in it !!!!!!!!

the evasion_kid

insecure or is she cheating wrote: »

she is going with him.. I don't really know where this leaves us. Our lives are very intertwined but I am moving into the spare room tonight while I figure out what to do. I can't kick her out as much as I want to as her daughter lives with us, she is 7.

ur relationship is over. If that is what is important to her then how can I continue in this relationship

Well at least you know were her priorities lie op

Dee01

OP, I'm really sorry to see this. For what's it's worth, I don't think you are being overly dramatic. I wouldn't be happy with this at all. For me it would be less to do with trust and more to do with respect. I wish you the best and hope you can move on.

rcarroll

Un case you start dpubting yourself wondering are you overreacting remember this....she's going with a man she's cheated on with, asked if it was OK and when you expressed your concern instead of accepting and talking about it or compromising she basically gave the two fingers to how you felt and went anyone....you don't do that to someone you love. If they're worried or upset by your behaviour and rightly so she should have put you first and the relationship... Not an hour in a gym with an ex

Catari Jaguar

I can't believe she'd risk putting her daughter through so much upheaval. Again.

FurBabyMomma

rcarroll wrote: »

Un case you start dpubting yourself wondering are you overreacting remember this....she's going with a man she's cheated on with, asked if it was OK and when you expressed your concern instead of accepting and talking about it or compromising she basically gave the two fingers to how you felt and went anyone....you don't do that to someone you love. If they're worried or upset by your behaviour and rightly so she should have put you first and the relationship... Not an hour in a gym with an ex

Agree with this. The whole situation is so disrespectful and inconsiderate. And if she's willing to risk her relationship to 'go to the gym' with this guy there's definitely unfinished business.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the support all, She has moved out and is living with her family.

I couldn't live with someone who put the needs of someone else so far ahead of my own needs.

Nymeria

I think you've done the right thing OP, she is putting the needs of this 'friend' above your relationship and showing you exactly where you stand in the pecking order.
Pay attention to what people do, not what they say. She is saying that she was happy in your relationship, but her actions showed that she had little or no regard for your feelings.

This part of your post also stuck out for me:

insecure or is she cheating wrote: »

My partner says that it was more that going to the gym created this feeling of happiness and euphoria that got transferred onto our mutual friend and that the fact that the marriage was hell meant that the gym and our friend was the sole shining beacon of hope.

..beware of some who cheated previously and fails to take responsibility for their actions/ choices - she was basically saying it's the gym's fault that she cheated with this guy.

You are much better off with out this in your life, let this OM have her if they are so irresistible to eachother.

FurBabyMomma

She's moved out rather than not go to the gym with her ex sex buddy? OP you've had such a lucky escape. Her poor daughter though. Wishing you the best OP, you're free to find someone who loves and respects you now.

LegacyUser

Well done OP

You did the right thing and her actions prove you did the right thing.
Not a pleasant time for you at the moment but things will get better.
Chin up and hold the head high. You've saved yourself and family more hurt by taking some pain now.
Good luck OP we're out here rooting for you.
You are now free to find someone that will love you and not themselves more.
Thats the silver lining. Happy times ahead!!!