Attracting the opposite sex... deceiving pictures??

baalad

Hi guys. Hope this is being posted in the right place. Not really sure how to start this but lets just say that i'am not the type of guy thats a hit with the ladies. Looks wise i consider myself average. In fact its probably my personality that has a bigger impact on my pulling skills as i am literally USELESS at pulling a girl and keeping her interested.I don't mean to stereotype women but when you don't drive and are unemployed its also not attractive so i feel i have NOTHING to attract women! Average looks, NO job, NO car, and iam crap at talking to them, I lack confidence which i don't see changing as i have always been that way.

Anyhow, Its looks specifically i want to focus on and the "selfie craze" to some extent which brings me to 'deceiving pictures' . Because as i said, i am an average looking guy BUT if i take some selfies (a good few) i can usually pull out one where i look relatively attractive (as im sure we all can) The problem is that i often feel i am deceiving people?

For example .Lets say i take two photos. Photo A was taken once and once only and photo B was taken a few times until i was able to get a photo i knew people would like despite me thinking that photo A best describes me.

Now i use photo A as a profile photo on a dating site but get few replied etc so i then decide to use photo B and suddenly alot more people are interested yet that interest seems to quickly die either when they talk to me long enough or meet me so i now feel like i am deceiving people?

Like recently i took some photo's for a site i am on and im not messing. I must look hot in the photo because the attention i have been getting is crazy compared to previous pics i used! An initially the probably assume i work, drive a car and that i look like my pictures but i just know that 9 times out of 10 they are gonna lose interest after chatting for a while or when they see me in person!

I remember speaking to a girl ages ago that asked for a body picture which i normally would not send but i had a photo where it actually looked as though i had a pretty fit body (but the reality is i dont) lol. I went ahead and sent it and she loved it lol She wanted to meet me but i knew it was mainly because she believed i was this hot looking guy and in the end i chickened out for fear of rejection and her feeling i lead her on.

Anyone else relate to this or know where i am coming from? Its kinda like in reality i am crap with women but online i can find loads of women that are interested but i cannot keep them interested because they are gonna lose interest because they either feel that i deceived them or that i am simply not good enough because im unemployed and have no car (which i understand in truth that thats not attractive)

I literally have 4 women at the mo who are all seriously good looking and all showing interest in me all because they think i'am hot lol Feels good but depressing at the same time haha

emigrate2012

He who dares wins,faint heart never won fair lady,.......etc.
Just a game of numbers,try,fail.try again fail better.

emigrate2012

He who dares wins,faint heart never won fair lady,.......etc.
Just a game of numbers,try,fail.try again fail better.

baalad

emigrate2012 wrote: »

He who dares wins,faint heart never won fair lady,.......etc.
Just a game of numbers,try,fail.try again fail better.

All very true but easier said then done when your personality has been molded over years and years and your belief system the same! It took years and years to develop these beliefs so i am not gonna wake up tomorrow a new man ha If it were that easy we would all change and become the superstar we want to be

emigrate2012

Nothing like that, just have to put yourself on the line,no use myself at clicking with women but ye have to try,not gonna jump into your lap by looking at them ye have to chat away, if it works,Yay,if not? So what? Chat away and enjoy your night,ye never know she might know a mate who'd be interested,nothing to lose bar a bit of pride
Just relax,works ( reasonably) well for me.(just randomers in the pub,but had many a giggle and honing the skills without even a wear)

Saralee4

Women I'm sure do this to and have the same insecurities. Sure lots of women are terrified of the thought of when their bf will see them without makeup for the first time.

Everyone tries to put their best foot forward when beginning something with someone.

kjl

A lot of women do this on dating sites. post a face picture where they don't show their bodies and then turns out the have a lot more weight on them. I don't mind but they put their body type down as average.

Shrap

OP, you know all those selfies of girls where they are looking up into the camera with a pouty face and massive eyes with heaps of make up on? Same story there. They have all tried to look like an "ideal" form of beauty, these days it seems to be based on an anime character, but it's not real life. It is deception, but apparently that's perfectly fine for women to do! Anyhow, I wouldn't worry about putting your best foot forward, so long as it's actually a photo of you! Most women will have done that too.

However, this point where you chicken out because you think women will be disappointed. Well, it's clearly an ongoing issue for you and it will be relevant within any relationship that you develop. With that in mind, why don't you consider sorting through these women who are interested by having a conversation about this issue? Why not say "Listen, I'm not trying to deceive you here, so I'm worried that in real life you won't like me as much as my picture. I put up a good picture of myself and I don't know what you'd make of the "real me"!" and "I've always been a bit down on myself about my looks". Honesty is refreshing and compelling OP. Who knows what the women might say? One might stand out to you as someone who is less concerned with looks and more with how she gets on with you.

allybhoy

baalad wrote: »

I remember speaking to a girl ages ago that asked for a body picture which i normally would not send but i had a photo where it actually looked as though i had a pretty fit body (but the reality is i dont) lol. I went ahead and sent it and she loved it lol She wanted to meet me but i knew it was mainly because she believed i was this hot looking guy and in the end i chickened out for fear of rejection and her feeling i lead her on.

Whatever about your looks but if you dont have a "pretty fit body" maybe put some effort into getting one or a better one then you have at the moment? You dont need to join a gym or anything as I see your unemployed so understand money might be an issue, maybe try clean up your diet and do a bit of exercising at home. Set yourself an achievable goal of losing something like 3 lbs every month for the next few months. Its amazing what loosing a bit of weight will do for your confidence.

Dial Hard

This has come up again and again on the online dating forum from both gender's viewpoints and the prevailing opinion is that if you deliberately use overly-flattering or misleading photos, you're just kicking the disappointment can down the road a bit to when they actually meet you and you don't actually look anything like that.

You're far better off getting a few dates based on what you actually look like and being yourself personality-wise than loads of first dates that never go any further because you've misled the person.

Obviously, everyone wants to present the best possible first impression of themselves on a dating profile, that's perfectly understandable. FWIW, I think the best recipe for success is to have a range of photos on your profile across a spectrum of "I look unusually hot in this one" to "this is what I normally look like". It gives people a far better idea of who they're dealing with and what to expect.

meeeeh

Speaking honestly, lack of job (unless you are student) would be a lot bigger turn off than flattering photos for me.

skallywag

Dial Hard wrote: »

...if you deliberately use overly-flattering or misleading photos, you're just kicking the disappointment can down the road...

I strongly agree with this. It is extremely off-putting to finally meet up with someone who bares very little resemblance to what you were sold in the first place.

Est28

I think it's fine to put your best foot forward... but there's a difference between that and being deceptive.

You obviously don't want to put a "bad" picture online, put your best ones on, sure... but in saying that, would someone meet you in person and say "Yup, thats him!" or would they be "Who the hell is this?".

But man, that's not really your problem here. You list yourself a whole bunch of reasons a woman wouldn't be attracted to you. Like, if you think not having a car means you can't pick up a girl in a bar (and I have no idea why that's even relevant but anyway...), what would make that ok with women you meet online? You're still the same person... if you think you need to better yourself to be a good boyfriend/husband, then why do you refuse to do it?

Like, if a girl senses you lack confidence or don't have a lot going for you if you meet in a bar.... what makes you think this is ok when you meet someone online? Will you hide it? Will you lie? Because eventually the truth will come out, and even if a woman went on a date with you online, she'll learn these things and won't have any more interest.

My suggestion would be to actually do something to help yourself. Learn to drive, work on something, get confidence, start talking to more people, get interests, hobbies, be fun, be interesting, be a good guy, be the type of guy a girl would like to date. You seem to think that all you need to do is get a date and then the woman will be trapped with you or something and there's no need to improve yourself. Very common attitude really but, eh, yuck.

honey79

It makes me sad to read post like this -there is so much more to a person than looks

They must find you interesting or funny or they wouldn't continue chatting to you it's not like you sent a picture of someone else
the picture is you so they like what they see

Op I can guarantee you that not one of these ladies sent you a picture they took on first go like all the selfie we see on fb
they have taken about 10 before the one they put up for everyone to see

Good luck with the dating just go have fun

Est28

honey79 wrote: »

It makes me sad to read post like this -there is so much more to a person than looks

They must find you interesting or funny or they wouldn't continue chatting to you it's not like you sent a picture of someone else
the picture is you so they like what they see

Op I can guarantee you that not one of these ladies sent you a picture they took on first go like all the selfie we see on fb
they have taken about 10 before the one they put up for everyone to see

Good luck with the dating just go have fun

I agree, it's sad to ready and there's definitely more to it than looks. We all have our own tastes but not everyone is superficial. But where do you draw the line. The OP says he's not the most attractive, but he also is so down on himself, also says not driving and other things about his life are not so good.

But the actual sad part is where he resigns himself to "that it won't change".

I mean, most people are just "average" enough in looks, we aren't all supermodels or Brad Pitt. But just going out, getting a good hair cut, fixing your diet and exercising, buying a few nice stylish new clothes and just standing up straight with a smile on your face will make you 10 times more attractive than without any of that and there's no reason the OP can't work on those areas if he thinks they are a problem, but he doesn't want to.

Not everyone cares what you work as, or what you own or if you drive but you know what... if you actually want a girl who DOES value those things, then they are all also within reach if you put the work in, but again, the OP decides not to bother... he wants to coast along, be sad, unhappy, doing nothing for himself and expects a woman to come into his life and fix all that I suppose? That's madness, why doesn't he work on those things he's not happy with about himself and THEN more women might see him as a great catch, a cool guy who's interesting, lots going on and doing something with his life.

Lord PuppyMcSnuggle of Cuddleshire

Why would you want to go out with someone who'd reject you for being unemployed? It's about as shallow as men rejecting women they deem too fat.

thegreatgonzo

Est28 wrote: »

My suggestion would be to actually do something to help yourself. Learn to drive, work on something, get confidence, start talking to more people, get interests, hobbies, be fun, be interesting, be a good guy, be the type of guy a girl would like to date. You seem to think that all you need to do is get a date and then the woman will be trapped with you or something and there's no need to improve yourself. Very common attitude really but, eh, yuck.

Absolutely agree. The amount of thought you are putting into a photo is way over the top. I'd forget about trying to attract strangers for a while and concentrate your energies on making yourself a person that you can respect because it doesn't sound like you have much self respect at the moment.
Getting your driving licence will do wonders for your confidence because I suspect it's the lack of ability more than the lack of a car that is bothering you am I right?

baalad

thegreatgonzo wrote: »

Absolutely agree. The amount of thought you are putting into a photo is way over the top. I'd forget about trying to attract strangers for a while and concentrate your energies on making yourself a person that you can respect because it doesn't sound like you have much self respect at the moment.
Getting your driving licence will do wonders for your confidence because I suspect it's the lack of ability more than the lack of a car that is bothering you am I right?

Thats given me something to think about actually! Very good point