3 year old not settling in montesorri

Redpunto

We tried our 3 year old in a local playschool last September but after a couple of weeks decided to pull him out. He would not engage, play with toys etc. Looking back -didn't think the place was well organised.

Last Monday we started him in a new place, one where our older boy went and loved. First day stayed with him for 30 mins and brought him home. Second day left him for 20 mins and he was grand. Third day left for 40 mins and was called to get him as he was inconsolable. Have never seen him so upset in my life. Had completely shut down and at that stage was quietly sobbing. His poor face and eyes were red for an hour. Tried again on Thursday and as it was sports he was happy but as soon was that was finished had to bring him home and then on Friday I could not leave him at all. I know people say just dump and go but I seriously could not do that - I know him and he would end up getting very upset and traumatised and he would not be able to settle himself. It broke my heart on Friday as he really wanted to stay and play.

My query is how long would you try and get your kid to settle, the playschool is very good in saying there is no time restraint but I just don't know if Im doing the right thing. He will have another year before starting school but if I defer until September will I be putting off the inevitable and will have to start it all again?

tHANKS

How Strange

It seems that he's just not ready for Montessori. A few months can make a huge difference at that age in terms of maturity. I'd personally leave it until next September and see how it goes then.

Moonbeam

I agree he is either not ready or is very attached to you.

pwurple

One of my friends has a theory that second children are a little less independent than the eldest, as they have someone to play with at home already. It certainly was the case here. My eldest was absolutely raring to get out the door, but her younger sister was much more hesitant. I had no choice, I had to work, so had to stick it out until she settled in creche. I went in with her every single day for 3 weeks, building it up from 10 minutes happy without me, to the 4 hours.

If you can, I'd leave it another while. No point upsetting him, or you!

Mr Bloat

Did the Montessori teacher give an indication of why he became upset on the third day? Did he get upset immediately after you left and didn't calm down or did something happen there to upset him? It seems strange that he would be ok for the first couple of days, get upset on the third day but then wanted to stay and play on the fourth.

I would be of the opinion that three or four half hour (or so) sessions aren't enough to gauge whether he is ready or not. I have been trying to think of a way to phrase this without sounding like a callous btard but I think you need to get a little tougher with yourself and just drop him off and go.

My youngest roared the Montessori school down almost every day for the first couple of weeks she went there, which was a few years ago now. My wife and I both work so we had little choice but to leave her. My other two had gone to the same school and I knew the teacher was brilliant so I trusted her when she said that I need to steel myself every morning and just let her cry at the start. Every evening, the teacher told me that my daughter had cried for a few minutes after I had left but then had come around and had a ball for the rest of the day. Sometimes, it's a lot harder on the parents than it is for the child to leave them at a school but he'll benefit from it in the long run, as I'm sure your older lad did.

Can I ask how old was your older boy when he started Montessori?

Redpunto

Hi guys, thanks for the replies. Hes actually the youngest of 3. The middle fella went off to playschool at 3 "happy as larry". He normally either has me or his dad minding him and if not he would have his older siblings with him so I think he is always used to having a safety net. I work in the evenings so its not a necessity for him to start but my thinking was he does want to socialise and he could do with the added stimulation and because he is the only "new" the teachers can give him a bit more attention then if starting up in September. The teacher said that nothing triggered the meltdown, just that he wanted to see me and they told him I would be back in a few minutes but later he told me that I had lost him and not to do it again!
Hes been sick the past few days so hes been at home. Our oldest was like this too, took a long time to get him comfortable in his preschool but he had a SNA to trust and rely on.

LegacyUser

He's three years old. Why would you force a 3 year old into somewhere they don't want to be? I wouldn't do that to anyone, never mind a 3 year old child.

Neyite

Quackery wrote: »

He's three years old. Why would you force a 3 year old into somewhere they don't want to be? I wouldn't do that to anyone, never mind a 3 year old child.

The OP said she pulled him out when she realised he wouldn't settle.

The fact is, toddlers baulk at stuff all the time - Baths. Vegetables. Getting in the car. Getting out of the car. Going to bed. Getting up out of bed. You get the picture. As a parent, you have to persevere in trying to do things that they need to do, whether they like it or not.

Montessori is important for children in that it helps prepare them for school, so that they wont get the land of their little lives when they join junior infants. In a year or so, the OP's child could be going to school.

OP if he was sick he was likely a bit more clingy than normal. I'd gradually introduce it again very slowly. It is a phase they go through. My lad happily attended creche since April 2013, but just before Christmas had meltdowns when I left him in the mornings. But, with the break over Christmas, he happily waves me off now again. But you feel awful when its happening.

piperh

As you say your at home I would talk to the teacher about volunteering on the days he goes in. That way you are there but he is not the centre of your attention and will make friends and learn the routine. Then leave the room for a coffee and come back, leaving it longer before you come back each time as that way you leaving will become the norm. The teacher might be glad of the help and you and he get reassured.

I would not keep going to get him and bringing him home when he gets upset as this sends the wrong message. It's hard I know but sometimes we have to be the bad parent for their own good.

iguana

Tbh I'd take him out of playschool for now and instead take him to a toddler-parent playgroup a couple of mornings a week. That way he could socialise comfortably without the fear of you leaving. And if you find a nearby group he may make friends there who will be starting playschool in September and then he could go to the same one as his friends which would be a very different prospect for him as there is a big difference between starting a class where he knows nobody and one where he already has friends.

Redpunto

Thanks again for the replys, we have tried the past two mornings - he is constantly looking for me but today he seemed to venture from my side much easier. The teacher is being very helpful in taking it slowly - he did say that he wasn't reacting like "most kids" in that if they do cry they can usually distract them but with my little one he just shuts down and there was no communicating with him. He is loving being in the environment with all the kids, just wants me there too Will be trying again tomorrow and will try to leave the room for 5 mins and see how we go - wish me luck!