Opinion on overnight guests in a house-share

Dial Hard

Hi All

Just interested to get a range of opinions on this. I live with my sister; three-bed detached house, so plenty of space, we both have our own bathrooms, etc.

The issue is that any time my boyfriend stays over, she has a face on her. He stays maybe one night a week, sometimes not even - for example, he stayed over on Friday night; the last time he stayed prior to that was on New Year's Eve, and she was away overnight anyway.

I'm just curious to see what other people think is reasonable/unreasonable in this regard? I certainly don't think one night a week is in any way excessive, but I suspect that she thinks I'm being the unreasonable one here.

Thanks in advance

Outkast_IRE

Dial Hard wrote: »

Hi All

Just interested to get a range of opinions on this. I live with my sister; three-bed detached house, so plenty of space, we both have our own bathrooms, etc.

The issue is that any time my boyfriend stays over, she has a face on her. He stays maybe one night a week, sometimes not even - for example, he stayed over on Friday night; the last time he stayed prior to that was on New Year's Eve, and she was away overnight anyway.

I'm just curious to see what other people think is reasonable/unreasonable in this regard? I certainly don't think one night a week is in any way excessive, but I suspect that she thinks I'm being the unreasonable one here.

Thanks in advance

One night a week is fine, in my opinion 2 nights is even grand once ye dont take over the common areas.

Sounds a bit unreasonable alright.

secondrowgal

Hi OP

Who's house is it? Are ye sharing the rent together in a rented house or is it her house and you're staying there? Did you and her have a sit down at the beginning and discuss dos and don'ts?

I participate in the rent-a-room scheme (it's my house) and I have made it very clear from the outset that overnight guests are not welcome without prior discussion. I wouldn't have a problem with overnight guests per se, but I don't want someone starting out as once every so often and escalating into every other night, etc. This has happened to me before!

I would also suggest that you speak to her about it as this can fester very quickly in my experience.

Mrs OBumble

How loud are your, ahh, nocturnal activities? Could it just be that she's not getting enough sleep because of the noise? (Trust me, it happens.)

seamus

When he comes over, do you guys instantly move into the sitting room and sit there watching TV until its time to go to bed? Or sit down at the kitchen table and have dinner?

A guest coming over will always create a certain amount of unease because the people staying there will feel like they can't relax in their own home.

Dial Hard

secondrowgal wrote: »

Who's house is it? Are ye sharing the rent together in a rented house or is it her house and you're staying there? Did you and her have a sit down at the beginning and discuss dos and don'ts?

It's a rented house and we both pay the exact same amount. It wasn't discussed at the start because we were both single. I am planning to sit down and make an agreement with her, just wanted to get a range of opinions on what's generally seen as the norm first.

Mrs OBumble wrote: »

How loud are your, ahh, nocturnal activities? Could it just be that she's not getting enough sleep because of the noise? (Trust me, it happens.)

She's a chronic insomniac anyway, has been for years.

Maybe that's why she's always so cranky, now that I think of it!

seamus wrote: »

When he comes over, do you guys instantly move into the sitting room and sit there watching TV until its time to go to bed? Or sit down at the kitchen table and have dinner?

Very, very rarely. I try to arrange it so the nights he stays are nights that she's not there, or that we're going out so won't be in all evening anyway.

Potatoeman

Its fine if you are at his half the time too. People generally have issues if they are alway there. Ground rules are a very good start.

Aye Bosun

1 or 2 nights a week on an irregular basis ie. not all weekend every weekend!

secondrowgal

Dial Hard wrote: »

It's a rented house and we both pay the exact same amount. It wasn't discussed at the start because we were both single. I am planning to sit down and make an agreement with her, just wanted to get a range of opinions on what's generally seen as the norm first.



She's a chronic insomniac anyway, has been for years.

Maybe that's why she's always so cranky, now that I think of it!



Very, very rarely. I try to arrange it so the nights he stays are nights that she's not there, or that we're going out so won't be in all evening anyway.

Looks like you are going about it the right way so.

For sure have the sit down, but the "norm" is really whatever suits both of you, not anyone else. Agree that it's a good idea to get the range of opinions here first to test the water but in reality the compromise will be whatever you two agree on. Sooner rather than later would be my advice, and the best of luck!

smeal

I think 2 nights a week is completely reasonable

So long as you guys aren't noisy at night, don't leave mess and dirty dishes everywhere and your O/H doesn't take the biscuit by using your house as a temporary home for himself and contributing big time to the bills

Although, maybe you should try and get him and your sister to get to know each other a bit more so that you can all hang out together some nights in the common areas and he won't feel like such an intruder. It can be awkward having someone in your house all the time when you don't know them

Dial Hard

smeal wrote: »

So long as you guys ...don't leave mess and dirty dishes everywhere

That got a rueful giggle out of me - I do 90% of the housework as it is.

campingcarist

Perhaps the OP should offer to pay a little extra towards the utility bills

Dial Hard

campingcarist wrote: »

Perhaps the OP should offer to pay a little extra towards the utility bills

For someone who stays over less than one night a week and we generally go out those nights anyway? Seriously?

Greenmachine

Dial Hard wrote: »

For someone who stays over less than one night a week and we generally go out those nights anyway? Seriously?

Don't pay any extra for one night in a week. It's not like he has moved in.

Meathlass

Maybe you and your sister are not compatible living together?

heldel00

Has he any single friends for her??? Bet ya that would sort all!

handlemaster

Maybe she doesnt like the guy

ahnowbrowncow

Maybe he's cheating on you with her and she doesn't like to see him with you?

dee_mc

I'd say she's probably just put out that you never discussed it together. I'd suggest sitting down and talking about it, maybe you could agree to let her know in advance which nights he will be staying over, just as a courtesy.
Having lived in a house where there was only a wall between my bedroom and that of a 'screamer' who had her boyfriend staying over up to 7 nights a week (although on average 4 nights a week) if I was in your sister's shoes I'd appreciate having an agreement in place :P

Tarzana2

Dial Hard wrote: »

That got a rueful giggle out of me - I do 90% of the housework as it is.

Well then she definitely shouldn't have a sour puss on her when your BF is around.

Stavro Mueller

Mrs OBumble wrote: »

How loud are your, ahh, nocturnal activities? Could it just be that she's not getting enough sleep because of the noise? (Trust me, it happens.

Maybe she's creeped out at having to hear her own sister through the walls..

berrecka

Stavro Mueller wrote: »

Maybe she's creeped out at having to hear her own sister through the walls..

That was exactly my first thought. Bad enough having to listen to friends and housemates at it (especially when you're single and not gettin any yourself), but having to listen to your sibling... eww!

Stavro Mueller

It could also be down to plain old jealousy or some sort of feeling that he's encroaching in on her home. I don't think the issue is necessarily the number of nights he's staying, more that he is staying at all. I bet she doesn't like him and resents him.

witchgirl26

Are you the younger or older sister. If you're the younger - maybe she just doesn't want to think about her little sister doing that & also could be a little bit of jealousy over you having a relationship if she's not in one.

I think having a sit down with her is a good idea though.

When my other half was in a house-share, I would be over every other weekend & sometimes on a Thursday night but we tried not to take over any communal areas without checking with everyone who was in first. I also baked for them so think that might have helped.

jobbridge4life

Stavro Mueller wrote: »

Maybe she's creeped out at having to hear her own sister through the walls..

Maybe she's turned on and the shame is making her lash out... since the thread has devolved into random guesswork

the_syco

I acknowledge this ain't AH, but perhaps you should set her up for a ride?

=-=

As you do 90% of the house work, and he's only over every once in a while, either she's

a) jealous?
or
b) used to having all the space to herself?

Greenmachine

Remember dating a girl and on occasional staying over at the weekend. Her housemate was unhappy, and had it out with her. She didn't want me over on a weeknight, was never over, Sunday through Thursday night. Only one night a week, was rarely more than that anyway.

Then on visit less than a forthnight later, I was told that the objector, to my staying, had a guy over since Wednesday night, this was now Saturday night.
We both found if fairly amusing that no sooner had the other girl spoken out, than she was breaking her own rules. She ended up apologizing and she dated the guy for about 4 months, and things ended up rosey.
To be honest all we can do OP, is share our own personal anecdotes, or trying to second guess, your sisters motives. Best to sit down with her alone and try to come to a peaceful resolution.

tinz18

Greenmachine wrote: »

Remember dating a girl and on occasional staying over at the weekend. Her housemate was unhappy, and had it out with her. She didn't want me over on a weeknight, was never over, Sunday through Thursday night. Only one night a week, was rarely more than that anyway.

Then on visit less than a forthnight later, I was told that the objector, to my staying, had a guy over since Wednesday night, this was now Saturday night.
We both found if fairly amusing that no sooner had the other girl spoken out, than she was breaking her own rules. She ended up apologizing and she dated the guy for about 4 months, and things ended up rosey.

Had the same thing happen in my house to myself and another housemate. Never got the apology though!!

Dial Hard

witchgirl26 wrote: »

Are you the younger or older sister. If you're the younger - maybe she just doesn't want to think about her little sister doing that & also could be a little bit of jealousy over you having a relationship if she's not in one.

I think having a sit down with her is a good idea though.

I'm younger. Given I was married previously and she often stayed with my ex and I (even shared an apartment with us on holidays) I doubt she's under any illusions as to my chastity or otherwise!

Regarging the various posts about noise, etc, the house is L-shaped and we're at opposite ends of it, so no adjoining walls or anything, and even at that I'm very conscious of noise levels.

She has never had a relationship at all and I suspect that most of the issue stems from the fact that she has just never been in this position herself and so has no frame of reference for it. I'll be sitting down with her this weekend for a chat about it.

Thanks for all the replies, and opinions are still very welcome.

Stojkovic

Shared a house in London once and a flatmate's cousin came to stay for a night or two. Still there two weeks later.

mfergus

the_syco wrote: »

I acknowledge this ain't AH, but perhaps you should set her up for a ride?

=-=

As you do 90% of the house work, and he's only over every once in a while, either she's

a) jealous?
or
b) used to having all the space to herself?

I agree.
Your boyfriend needs a wingman to look after her. She's what's called a "co*k blocker".

If things are as you say, it's only 1 night a Week, ye are not loud and don't take over the house then it has to be jealousy

Greenmachine

tinz18 wrote: »

Had the same thing happen in my house to myself and another housemate. Never got the apology though!!

In my case they were close friends before it happened, so I guess she didn't want to throw that away.