Boyfriend keeps picking out flaws

LegacyUser

Hi guys,

I wanted to go unknown for this one just as I have friends on this and I would prefer for them not to know this is about me.

I've been with my boyfriend for the last 2.5 years and yes the relationships has its moments just like any other but for the most part its good.

I do feel though that my bf takes advantage of me in that he never travels to me (25 mins away) and It is always I that goes to visit him. This is due to the nature of his job as he works from home and doesnt really finish until 9 or 10 some evenings. So If i want to see him I have to come while he's working and end up helping everytime I do.
He says he doesnt like coming to my house I share with another girl and he says its uncomfortable when she's there. I also do countless other things for him including his accounts, booking keeping etc and whenever he needs me to run errands I go without question.

Lately ( over the last 6 months) he has hurt my feelings several times by pointing out flaws. If I make a misake while helping him he's extremely quick to point it out and make me feel stupid ( and miserable). He's always quick to point out flaws but never ever praises all the good things I do for him... EVER.
He picks faults in clothes, my hair, my family..
He recently said to me that he didnt think I had much of a life without him to which I was completey floored. I hvae lots going on in my life but I tend to cancel alot or put things of because he needs me to do things for him.

He also has this thing about cleanliness.. and constanly asks me are my hands clean, have i washed my hands... Im 30 yeards old, I dont need to be asked questions like that.

I do love him very much but sometimes he makes it very hard to like him.
I find it very difficult to stand up for myself and i really dont like confrontation so mostly I dont say anything and just get on with it but Its come to the point where I feel like I'll explode someday.

Can anyone advise me what to do here?? I'm begining to feel very self conscious around him and on edge incase I say or do something wrong.

Sorry for the long post x

Tokyo

Poppy_girl wrote: »

I've been with my boyfriend for the last 2.5 years

...he never travels to me (25 mins away) and It is always I that goes to visit him.

...he doesnt like coming to my house I share with another girl and he says its uncomfortable when she's there.

...I also do countless other things for him including his accounts, booking keeping etc and whenever he needs me to run errands I go without question.

...If I make a misake while helping him he's extremely quick to point it out and make me feel stupid ( and miserable).

...never ever praises all the good things I do for him... EVER.

...He picks faults in clothes, my hair, my family..

...He recently said to me that he didnt think I had much of a life without him

My honest question is why you are still in a relationship with this person?? He apparently has very little to no respect for you. In short, he's a bully - not the type of bully that uses his fists, but the type who intimidates and cows people into submission by making them feel inferior. I wouldn't waste my time talking to him to be honest - I'd take a few weeks away from making any effort whatsoever for him (lets see if his accounts and errands do themselves), with the likely outcome of finding someone who treats you like an equal.

LegacyUser

Personally I'd be leaving, but that's just me. If you want to keep the relationship going, I suggest you start doing a lot less for him, stop travelling to him so much and start confronting him when he criticises you. So far you seem to be behaving like a doormat, then complaining when he walks all over you. Stand up for yourself and start forcing him to put some effort in. If he doesn't meet that challenge, then you'll know what he thinks of you.

Chucky the tree

Jesus OP. He treats you like dirt and you've lasted 2.5 years and you're still wondering what to do? If I hated someone I'd probably feel slightly guilty if I treated them as badly as your "boyfriend" treats you. Next time you see him tell him he's dumped and not to bother contacting you again.

LegacyUser

This sounds a lot like my ex and at the time it felt like just a minor annoyance, all the good still outweighed the bad. But once I got out of the relationship I realised that I don't want to spend my whole life constantly walking on eggshells and wondering what I'd do next that he'd feel the need to criticise.

The worst was the stuff that he would do himself, but apparently it was not okay for me to do!

Mozzeltoff

My ex pointed out flaws with my weight, with the people I am friends with, the music I listened to and the clothes I wear. I was with him for about two months and foolishly I thought he'd cop onto himself. Then one day he started comparing me to one of his female friends, (she was engaged btw), started listing all of her "good" qualities against all of my "bad" ones. I got rid of him pretty sharpish and OP you should really do the same thing.

You sound like a good person to me and you deserve better than what this guy is giving you. All he's doing is damaging your self esteem. You need to get out and pronto!

LegacyUser

Thanks for all your replies folks,

I do appreciate everyones opinion. I do know that I've been a doormat for too long and made life a little too easy for him. My problem is that I like doing things for people and helping them as much as I can but I'm beginning to see thats its not always repaid in any which way or form. Ive had another turbulaent relationship before this one and I promised myself that I would never let anyone treat me badly again but as I mentioned I find it very hard to stick up for myself. Theres an elemement of fear of rejection and I hate the thought of being single again.
Don't get me wrong the good does outweigh the bad most of the time but I ask myself why does there have to be bad?? I would bend over backwards for my BF and I dont think I have ever said a cross or nasty word to him in the time we've been together.
One unnecessary hurtful comment from him upsets me so much that I fight back tears.

I do understnad why some people will say run for the hills but If there was a way to improve things or make him understand what he does is so hurtful I'd like to at leaset try.
I do know I need to voice myself more and make it known to him that whats he says sometimes is unacceptable. I need to just get the courage to do so.

LegacyUser

Poppy_girl wrote: »

Hi guys,

I wanted to go unknown for this one just as I have friends on this and I would prefer for them not to know this is about me.

I've been with my boyfriend for the last 2.5 years and yes the relationships has its moments just like any other but for the most part its good.

I do feel though that my bf takes advantage of me in that he never travels to me (25 mins away) and It is always I that goes to visit him. This is due to the nature of his job as he works from home and doesnt really finish until 9 or 10 some evenings. So If i want to see him I have to come while he's working and end up helping everytime I do.
He says he doesnt like coming to my house I share with another girl and he says its uncomfortable when she's there. I also do countless other things for him including his accounts, booking keeping etc and whenever he needs me to run errands I go without question.

Lately ( over the last 6 months) he has hurt my feelings several times by pointing out flaws. If I make a misake while helping him he's extremely quick to point it out and make me feel stupid ( and miserable). He's always quick to point out flaws but never ever praises all the good things I do for him... EVER.
He picks faults in clothes, my hair, my family..
He recently said to me that he didnt think I had much of a life without him to which I was completey floored. I haae lots going on in my life but I tend to cancel alot or put things of because he needs me to do things for him.

He also has this thing about cleanliness.. and constanly asks me are my hands clean, have i washed my hands... Im 30 years old, I dont need to be asked questions like that.

I do love him very much but sometimes he makes it very hard to like him.
I find it very difficult to stand up for myself and i really dont like confrontation so mostly I dont say anything and just get on with it but Its come to the point where I feel like I'll explode someday.

Can anyone advise me what to do here?? I'm begining to feel very self conscious around him and on edge incase I say or do something wrong.

Sorry for the long post x

Taking advantage is an understatement, if he asked you to jump off a cliff would you do it ??? Seriously you need to sort yourself out and stop letting him walk all over you, in the 2.5 years you have been dating you are the one thats been doing all the running!!! Regardless of whether he is working until 9 or 10 at night, surely he has had a day off and he could have come and visited you. I guess the reason he has you doing all the running is because he knows you'll do it.

Poppy_girl wrote: »

He picks faults in clothes, my hair, my family..
He recently said to me that he didnt think I had much of a life without him to which I was completey floored. I haae lots going on in my life but I tend to cancel alot or put things of because he needs me to do things for him.

So obviously you put your life on hold or cancel stuff to be with him why?? Stop cancelling stuff and go hang out with your friends otherwise you'll have none left!!

Poppy_girl wrote: »

I do love him very much but sometimes he makes it very hard to like him.

What you love being his doormat and being treated like crap.
Why would you put up with 2 years of crap from a guy like this. What a bully and a horrible person. Your so called "boyfriend" should love you for who you are, he has no right to critique your appearance or your family.

I think you need to stop jumping to his every need and give yourself some space from him.

Eeden

Poppy_girl wrote: »

...Theres an elemement of fear of rejection and I hate the thought of being single again.

OP, in my opinion this is not a good enough reason to stay in a relationship that does you no good.

Scarinae

Someone close to me is in a relationship that sounds very similar to yours - constant putdowns about her intelligence, her appearance, her opinions, her weight etc. The difference is that they are married and have several kids. She won't leave him because of the children and because she moved country to live with him. She has said that she'd consider leaving him when the children are grown up... But I honestly don't think that will happen. She's also lost a lot of weight and changed her accent (he's always picking her up on the way she pronounces words, implying that she's common) but that doesn't make a difference, he just finds other things about her to criticise. She puts a brave face on, but it's clear that she's miserable.

So my advice to you is to get out of this relationship while there are no serious ties (marriage, children, any financial entanglements like mortgages) - you might think it'll be difficult for you to break up now, but it'll be even harder if the relationship is more serious. You deserve so much better!

Stavro Mueller

OP this makes for sad reading. You are obviously a lovely, generous woman with a big big heart. Unfortunately you also have self-esteem issues and you appear to have a need to be needed. It's interesting that it's only in the last 6 months that this guy's "nitpicking" behaviour has begun. To me this is an escalation of what was happening before. An awful lot of this relationship is on his terms from what I can see. You're the one who has to always travel to his house. You're cancelling or postponing things in your own life because you've dedicated yourself to being his personal servant. You do his accounts, run errands for him. In a way it's no wonder he's now belittling you - you've shrunk so far into your shell that you're unable to show some backbone any more.

It's desperately sad that you're sticking with this guy because you fear being single. I bet you feel no other man is going to want you. No other man will ask you out, think you're wonderful... This man should be thanking his lucky stars that he has such a loyal girlfriend. Instead he is showing his true colours and his utter lack of respect for you. While you talk about how this relationship isn't all bad and that you're just giving us the bad side of things, you also sound somewhat afraid of him. Think about it - when he says hurtful things to you, you're fighting back tears.

I think the next thing you need to do is go chat to a counsellor. Don't make any decisions on this man yet but please do go get help. I think it would do you an awful lot of good and give you the strength to make some decisions.

pwurple

I see a very long list of things you want him to change... Mainly all signs that he has lost respect for you.

What do you say when he criticises and is hurtful? Do you pick him up on it, or do you stay silent?

Might be time to start demanding that respect.

I would not let anyone get away with that more than once without pointing it out. In private if needs be, but it would be me being a bit cross, and telling him it's not bloody well on, rather than crying.

You've let it go on for months. Speak to him about it. Tell him to show some proper respect or hit the road.

Bigus

Go and start doing positive fun stuff by yourself or with girlfriends,( nights out, cinema,weekends away, night classes, sport )
this way you can see a bit of the other side of life, and therefore be a bit less available to him , and perhaps in time you may become more in demand and therefore worth more effort to him.

You may also meet other people who have more respect for you and he may become less of a crutch for you,

long term this may even make your current relationship a better long term bet, or allow you to exit gracefully when you decide and have other distractions and friends or teammates to turn to.

Catari Jaguar

Christ's sake girl, you're not his mother. He's a grown man. If he found himself single in the morning he'd manage. He's taking you for a ride. Get rid of that disrespectful loser. You'd be better off single tbh, but you seem sweet & deserve better and will find better. May be time to work on yourself - gaining more confidence, putting youself first, it's ok to think of yourself sometimes, your boyfriend sure does...

strobe

Poppy_girl wrote: »

Thanks for all your replies folks,

I do appreciate everyones opinion. I do know that I've been a doormat for too long and made life a little too easy for him. My problem is that I like doing things for people and helping them as much as I can but I'm beginning to see thats its not always repaid in any which way or form. Ive had another turbulaent relationship before this one and I promised myself that I would never let anyone treat me badly again but as I mentioned I find it very hard to stick up for myself. Theres an elemement of fear of rejection and I hate the thought of being single again.
Don't get me wrong the good does outweigh the bad most of the time but I ask myself why does there have to be bad?? I would bend over backwards for my BF and I dont think I have ever said a cross or nasty word to him in the time we've been together.
One unnecessary hurtful comment from him upsets me so much that I fight back tears.

I do understand why some people will say run for the hills but If there was a way to improve things or make him understand what he does is so hurtful I'd like to at least try.
I do know I need to voice myself more and make it known to him that whats he says sometimes is unacceptable. I need to just get the courage to do so.

Try sending an email or long text to him. This will allow you to sit down and take your time to decide what you'd like to say and be able to convey things to him. Spell it all out like you have here about how you feel.

The other posters might be right and he's just an asshole.
But it is possible he just doesn't realise how he is being/coming across/ how things are effecting you.

But really, you shouldn't 'find it hard' to like the person you are with. There are ~3,500,000,000 men in the world. You can't walk down the street without seeing us running all over the place. We're like ants. Ubiquitous. Not in short supply by any stretch of the imagination. There are more than likely thousands of men within walking distance of you that you would both love and like and that would feel the same about you.

I'd say compose an e-mail to him outlining your issues and your concerns. Not in an accusatory way or anything. Just "I've been feeling like this, because of these reasons and want to know your opinion on what I'm saying". And see what his response is.

Big Bag of Chips

I know you don't want to finish with him so the only thing you can do is talk to him. Familiarity breeds contempt. Maybe he has just slipped into bad habits and because you've never pulled him up on it he doesn't realise he's doing it.. Or that it upsets you.

I suppose you at least owe it to him to point out his faults

If he doesn't sincerely apologise and change his tune sharpish then I'm afraid your choice is walk away, or stay and put up with it.

Ave Sodalis

OP I'd go even further than saying you've become a doormat, I'd go as far as to say that based on what you've written here, it sounds like the start of a controlling relationship. You do everything for him without any thanks, you have to go to him (does he make any effort to finish early and get to you?), he's started criticizing you which will wear down your self esteem, you've started cancelling plans with friends and isolating yourself for him and then he tells you that you don't have a life if it wasn't for him, which may be him trying to convince you that you need him. I'm sorry but that is sending alarm bells all over the place. It sounds like you've a good heart and he has taken complete advantage of it and will continue to do so, perhaps until you have nothing left but him. If it were me, I'd be running as fast as I can.

ankili

i once dated a guy like that , at first he likes to visit at my house , and it's only last for two weeks and after that i'm the only one who brings food to his house and etc.
but darling , if he's not makin some effort to be with you or even just pointing out your flaws, i don't think this is a good relationship.
i suggesting that you have to sit down, talk about it , and find your both happiness. if both of you can work it out and making the exact same effort , i think you two could make it.

jimd2

Dump him, life is too short.

anewme

See him for what he is. An abuser.

This is emotional abuse and should not be tolerated.

The longer you stay, the worse it will get. He will break you down as a person until you believe you are what he is telling you and will never leave, because you will feel worthless and accept his put downs as normal.

Get out now, for your own sake, before it is too late.

Cut him dead.

(Sorry for the tough love)

Stavro Mueller

Even relationships with men who bounce their wives/girlfriends off the nearest wall have their good moments. I've threads here from women who'll say that it's not all bad. That when they're not being treated like dirt, their partners are lovely. Perhaps part of the reason they're staying with these guys is these good days. I'm not saying one way or the other that this guy's an abuser but he's certainly not treating you like an equal. I don't think that it's even familiarity breeding contempt. I think it's that because you've been a doormat for so long, he's now upping the ante.

What do your family and friends think of him? Do they like him do you think? What does he think about them?

LegacyUser

Poppy_girl wrote: »

Thanks for all your replies folks,

My problem is that I like doing things for people and helping them as much as I can but I'm beginning to see thats its not always repaid in any which way or form. Ive had another turbulaent relationship before this one and I promised myself that I would never let anyone treat me badly again but as I mentioned I find it very hard to stick up for myself. Theres an elemement of fear of rejection and I hate the thought of being single again. .

I would rather be single and have good bunch of friends rather than be stuck with someone who treats me like dirt and has no respect for me. The fact that you are running around after him like a lap dog says it all

missjm

Sounds to me like his bread is buttered on both sides and you're getting nothing out of the relationship. You need to live your own life and stop pandering to all his needs.

FurBabyMomma

Oh OP, 2.5 years is supposed to be the fun stage of the relationship. Do you want children? Because everyone knows a baby doesn't make a relationship easier, it makes it harder

I'm 14 years, 3 dogs and a baby into my relationship. Yes, we've had our squabbles - a few more with sleep deprivation! But not once in 14 years has my husband belittled me as a person, nor I him. And I'm not the only one - normal relationships are not sustained by one party doing all the taking. Personal attacks are a vile thing and can never be outweighed by a few crumbs of niceness.

The comments will only get worse. Can you imagine hearing the likes of, I know you're pregnant but haven't you put on enough weight? Why can't you stop that baby crying? Why haven't you lost your baby weight yet? Look at the state of this house. I won't go on, but you get the idea and that's the way things are heading.

Kids or not, please don't allow this relationship to continue like this. There are lots of men who would love to be with a kind and loving person like you. As another poster said, life is too short.

Candy_Girl

You need to nip that in the bud...I'd sit down and have a serious talk with him, maybe he doesn't realize what he's doing? But to me it sounds like very controlling traits.

LifesgoodwithLG

Hi OP.

First of all best of luck, I hope that you make 2015 into your year.

If you want to make a good go over it with your partner then it is up to you to say to him that you are unhappy with the current situation and give fair points. Have you already spoken to your partner before about this ? Its only fair to let him know how you feel and offer him a chance to amend his behaviour.

In his defence I believe that you are similar to myself who goes out of your way to help people and then at times get really upset when they don't try as hard. Just because you behave in a certain way does not mean that he will do the same. I adore my other half and he is the kindest sweetest guy ever . We are completely opposite and he can be a tad OCD. I had a chat with him a while back to say that feedback should be balanced and you don't get to ignore all of the good things and just focus on the points to improve .

Be honest with yourself and his reaction . The lonliest place in the world is in a relationship that's not working.

ps all said I would be unhappy in a similar relationship

Dixie Chick

Aw OP that's a tough old post to read.

Would it be fair to say that the reason you cancel your plans to "help" him is because you wouldn't get to see him otherwise? You obviously are a kind person and well able as well to be able to do these things for his business.

The cynic in me thinks to dump him and invoice him for the services rendered but I don't think you are ready to walk away yet. I do think you need a good long think though of what you are getting from this, except being able to say you are in a relationship and not single.