Friend Issues

hattoncracker

Hi and thanks for reading. This is probably going to be long.

I'm trying to figure out how to word this in a comprehensive way. I am a girl, and I've had a male best friend since I was about 21. We were close for a long time, but he has always been a bit demanding in terms of his need for my attention and needing to always know everything about where I am and when we were younger he used to make these passive aggressive remarks when I was with some of my other friends. He has always been there for me since day one though, and I've always respected him and treated him well, but i did notice that a lot of his other friends made fun of him and stuff, which I didn't really like but he seemed happy so I said nothing.

A couple of years into our friendship, he met a girl. They were going out and everything was good, but one of our other friends had a few reservations. Long story short, he found out she was cheating on him and all his other friends knew and never told him. She also had a thing with one of his own friends who hed known for years, so he fell out with a few people over that, and started spending literally every night and day with me, ringing me 4 or 5 times a day.

Fast forward a few years, I met someone and was in a long distance relationship. Friend didn't take it very well. I decided to go back to college and got offered a place in a university on the other side of the country in boyfriends city. I took it and moved. Before I moved things were starting to get bad between me and him because he used to go nuts when I went away for those few days and had radio silence because I wanted some time with my bf, and i needed space from him. He also wouldn't hang out with anyone else and was going from someone who used to go out all the time, to an introvert who was ruined emotionally. He relied very heavily on me for all social contact, and i remember begging him to go out to parties and stuff with people that we knew. (we worked together, so we had tons of friends in common.)

Stayed in city for a few years, and cut back contact with friend because I thought that might force him to get back out there, and it worked. He's much better off now, but he is back friends with the guy who banged his ex, and a lot of other people who screwed him over.

Meanwhile, I broke up with guy, met new guy about a year later from Dublin (where I used to live), knew straight away he was the one, got offered a job there, moved back up, got engaged within a few months.

Friend lost the plot, literally went crazy at me. I met up with him the day I went dress shopping with one of my other friends and just attacked me verbally, roaring and screaming that I didn't know what I was doing, and that I was making a mistake. Fiancè was told on our first date that I had a male best friend and he has made efforts to get to know friend but they've all been rejected.

Myself and friend had huge row, and cleared the air so I thought Then over the weekend we kind of had another fight, which I've apologised for my part in, but he won't accept, and he started calling me by my future married name and making out that I had no right to be hurt and basically invalidating everything I said.

Then I found out that the night that one of my bridesmaids met my fiancè for the first time, he messaged her and asked her what she thought and she said "he's a good guy, he loves her, I'm happy" and he publicly replied "I'm washing my hands of it, I want nothing to do with it."

I'm so angry with him, it's less than 4 weeks to my wedding and I am so stressed out over this. My fiancè thinks I should just cut him out and hates seeing me so upset. I don't know what to do because he's been such a good friend to me, and my head is all over the place. I want to be his friend but I'm not willing to bend to his will anymore.

HalloweenJack

I think follow your fiance's advice.

This guy is not being a friend. He sounds like a controlling boyfriend and it wouldn't surprise me if there were some unresolved feelings being behind his behaviour. However, that's totally his problem. You need to get on with your life and if he's upsetting you, it's not worth it. A friend wouldn't behave like that.

Oryx

Sounds like the guy has feelings for you and is lashing out because he is losing you. Theres honestly nothing you can do to help him, you are not to blame for how he reacts, and shouldn't take it upon yourself to fix this. He wants what he can't have.

The kindest thing you can do is tell him you understand that he does not approve, and then stay away from him. Sometimes friendship ends, as life changes, and sometimes that ending can be catastrophic. Its painful but you guys now have irreconcilable differences.

Big Bag of Chips

OP, reread your post. This guy is supposed to be your "best friend"? Best friends don't carry on like that. Friends are supposed to be a positive addition to your life. He might have been a really good friend to you at one point, but how long is it since he was there for you? Happy for you? Supporting you in your choices?

To be honest, at this stage it sounds like you are keeping him as a friend because you feel sorry for him. He managed before you came along, he'll manage again. He has said he's washing his hands of you? That's grand. It means you don't have to do anything about it. Just don't contact him again. He is disrespecting you, your fiancé and your relationship....

Remind me again of what he actually brings to your friendship?

Edit: Is he invited to your wedding? If so I would make one last call to him and tell him would prefer that he not go. You are paying enough for the day to not have to worry about someone showing up and spoiling it. If he did show up you would be uneasy all day wondering and worrying if he might either cause a scene or sit there all day with a face on him throwing you daggers looks. For as long as your fiancé has known you this friend has been causing you upset.. I'm sure he would prefer to not have him there and have to pretend he's happy to host him for the day.

He probably won't go.. But to be honest, I wouldn't leave it to chance. You don't need to worry about sparing his feelings. He hasn't been very considerate of you or your fiancé. Your wedding day is too important to leave to chance, and being unsure of what might or might not happen. It is the one day of your life where you get total say on what happens and who shares it with you. If he is there your day will be spoiled, and it will be your lasting memory of the day.

Use this to draw a line and let him know you are not going to put up with his sulking any more.