Housemate worries

hankypoodle

Hi guys, need some insight!

I've lived in loads of different houseshares before, and am a very sociable person. My last houseshare was very tightknit, with all 6 of us becoming very close, cooking together, pub nights, nights out, films, etc.

However, my new(ish) flatshare is a problem: I realised I don't actually like my flatmate very much, although she is a nice enough person, generally.

There's just the 2 of us, and she is unemployed. I knew that when I moved in. What I didn't know is that she would never be leaving the house. All day, every day, she is at home. All evening, every evening, same deal. She also has someone over every day. If it's not her boyfriend, it's her mate, both of whom are in their fifties (she's in her thirties), which I only mention because I'm in my twenties, and although it shouldn't matter, I find it frustrating that two older men are squatting out at my place all the time when both have houses of their own. I don't see why she can't head to their's once a week, say.

She is friends with the landlord, and so treated herself to first dibs on the room: the big room, whilst mine is a much smaller room with a slanted roof that means you can't actually stand up inside it. This didn't bother me when I came to view the flat, as I go out to work, am out most evenings, and figured I'd be making use of the kitchen and living room all other times.

Now though, I've become the kind of housemate I never thought I would become: I'm stuck in my room whenever I'm home, because she monopolises the living room and/or kitchen with either her boyfriend or friend. It has started to really stress me out and make me unhappy, but I'm not sure how unreasonable I'm being. As well as a busy week, I quite often go and visit friends at the weekends - it was just depressing to get back from a 5-hour train ride this evening and find once again dinner for 2 is being served in the kitchen.

To make matters worse, twice now she has essentially 'gaslighted' me. I won't bore you with the details, but the first time she insinuated I was ''seeing things'' (?) and the second time I flippantly told her of a little white lie I told a guy on a date, and for 10 minutes she acted shocked and scared, as if I were a pathological psycho liar whom she could never trust again. As you can imagine, on top of the general feeling of monopoly, these two occasions just served to add to my feelings of discomfort at hanging around the commnspace.

Now I feel pretty frustrated, as the rent is quite substantial (we also pay the same amount of rent despite her room clearly being superior...).

I just wanted you to share your thoughts as it's getting to the stage where I feel angry and kind of oppressed - am I being unreasonable, have you ever experienced this kind of situation, and do you have any tips?

Thanks!

Faith

Honestly, just move out. It sounds like a horrible situation, and she sounds like the type of person who is so self unaware that she'll never change. She'll perceive everything as criticism, and she'll do her best to make life hell for you (I'm guessing). So just move out and save yourself all that misery.

hankypoodle

Faith wrote: »

Honestly, just move out. It sounds like a horrible situation, and she sounds like the type of person who is so self unaware that she'll never change. She'll perceive everything as criticism, and she'll do her best to make life hell for you (I'm guessing). So just move out and save yourself all that misery.

I don't think I can...it's fixed term until the summer :-S

ahnow

OP if it means losing your deposit, it would probably be worth it. Seriously, that situation sounds so grim, and talking to her will probably make things worse if she's so ignorant in the first place.

Beaner1

hankypoodle wrote: »

I don't think I can...it's fixed term until the summer :-S

You can get someone else and reassign.

hankypoodle

Beaner1 wrote: »

You can get someone else and reassign.

You mean find someone to replace me? I considered that, but I would need to get the landlord's permission - and she's friends with him!

Big Cheese

Just sith with them every night and say 'right, so what are we watchin?'. Try to own that space too. Try to be a little less aware of the others and mayb they will start to feel less comfortable coming over every night

Pick a really crap show on tv and let her know that you wish to watch it, make it a common thing every night. If she is watchin tv all day she can't argue. Just try a few small things to show you own the living area too.

hankypoodle

ahnow wrote: »

OP if it means losing your deposit, it would probably be worth it. Seriously, that situation sounds so grim, and talking to her will probably make things worse if she's so ignorant in the first place.

I would be more than happy to lose the deposit. The problem is because it's fixed term, I would also have to carry on paying rent until the summer even if I left, if the landlord didn't agree to let me find someone to replace me...

Beaner1

hankypoodle wrote: »

You mean find someone to replace me? I considered that, but I would need to get the landlord's permission - and she's friends with him!

You don't need their permission. Look up the 2004 residential tenancies act.

Faith

hankypoodle wrote: »

I would be more than happy to lose the deposit. The problem is because it's fixed term, I would also have to carry on paying rent until the summer even if I left, if the landlord didn't agree to let me find someone to replace me...

Only if the landlord can't find someone to replace you, and as far as I know, they must make a reasonable effort to find a replacement (they can't just pretend).

Ideally, talk to your landlord. Explain that the situation is not working out, and offer to find a new tenant. You don't need to badmouth the current tenant. As far as I am aware, a landlord cannot refuse this.

http://www.prtb.ie/dispute-resolution/disputes/terminating-a-fixed-term-tenancy wrote:

In addition however, where the landlord has refused consent to an assignment or sub-let, the tenant can also terminate the tenancy, in accordance with Section 186.

It's very likely that you'll lose your deposit, but if you're happy with that sacrifice, then get looking for somewhere else asap.

Make the request in writing and send it by registered post. Keep a record of all dealings, including a copy of the letters you send. If your LL doesn't respond, send another registered letter saying, following your previous letter, you will be vacating the property in 30 days and this is your formal notice. State that you will attempt to reassign the lease, but in the absence of a reply, you will understand that your landlord doesn't wish for you to do this. Cancel any standing orders you may have set up to pay the rent.

Once all of this is done, the landlord doesn't have a leg to stand on, legally. If he tries to claim that he can't find anyone to fill the room, he'll have to take a case to the PRTB about it, and he'll need substantial evidence that he has tried to find a new tenant to the best of his abilities. It's very, very unlikely that he'd go to this effort, rather than just accepting you're leaving and getting a new tenant.

Beaner1

You won't lose your deposit.

hankypoodle

Faith wrote: »

Only if the landlord can't find someone to replace you, and as far as I know, they must make a reasonable effort to find a replacement (they can't just pretend).

Ideally, talk to your landlord. Explain that the situation is not working out, and offer to find a new tenant. You don't need to badmouth the current tenant. As far as I am aware, a landlord cannot refuse this.



It's very likely that you'll lose your deposit, but if you're happy with that sacrifice, then get looking for somewhere else asap.

Make the request in writing and send it by registered post. Keep a record of all dealings, including a copy of the letters you send. If your LL doesn't respond, send another registered letter saying, following your previous letter, you will be vacating the property in 30 days and this is your formal notice. State that you will attempt to reassign the lease, but in the absence of a reply, you will understand that your landlord doesn't wish for you to do this. Cancel any standing orders you may have set up to pay the rent.

Once all of this is done, the landlord doesn't have a leg to stand on, legally. If he tries to claim that he can't find anyone to fill the room, he'll have to take a case to the PRTB about it, and he'll need substantial evidence that he has tried to find a new tenant to the best of his abilities. It's very, very unlikely that he'd go to this effort, rather than just accepting you're leaving and getting a new tenant.

Thanks so much for this advice. Do you think I'm being unreasonable though? Everyone is telling me just to grit my teeth and stick it out but I don't think I should have to. On the other hand, it's not like she's trashing the flat, threatening me, etc.

God I wish people could just behave like considerate human beings!

And more importantly, I wish the housing market allowed us to consider renting on our own. The amount of trauma and stories you hear from people who have been financially forced into sharing is just mental.

Faith

hankypoodle wrote: »

Thanks so much for this advice. Do you think I'm being unreasonable though? Everyone is telling me just to grit my teeth and stick it out but I don't think I should have to. On the other hand, it's not like she's trashing the flat, threatening me, etc.

Why should you be uncomfortable in your own home? You're paying good money for full access to the whole property, excluding her bedroom. Right now, you're getting stuck in one room. That's not fair, and in no way do I think you should just grit your teeth and stick it out!

I lived with an unemployed guy in his late 40's once. I moved into the house about a month after another girl my age moved in (we were both mid-20s). At first he was fine, but there constantly. He chain smoked cigarettes and joints. Then he started to leave notes, asking the other housemate not to have her boyfriend over so much. Pretty rapidly, he deteriorated completely once he sensed we weren't just going to put up with his shít, and the situation ended in a very messy, scary, rushed way. While he wasn't friends with the landlord, he'd lived there for long enough that the landlord left him alone. We subsequently found out that we were far from the first housemates he'd pushed out, and he turned out to have very serious mental health issues.

I'm not saying in any way that that's what would happen in your case, but it's likely your housemate just doesn't mix well with others. I doubt you're the first person to move out before the end of a lease. Who could stick those living conditions indefinitely?!

Definitely find a new place. There's no reason at all that you should live in crap conditions that make you uncomfortable and unhappy.

Tokyo

hankypoodle wrote: »

Thanks so much for this advice. Do you think I'm being unreasonable though? Everyone is telling me just to grit my teeth and stick it out but I don't think I should have to. On the other hand, it's not like she's trashing the flat, threatening me, etc.

God I wish people could just behave like considerate human beings!

And more importantly, I wish the housing market allowed us to consider renting on our own. The amount of trauma and stories you hear from people who have been financially forced into sharing is just mental.

OP, don't waste another day in not looking for somewhere else to go. Home is where you go after your day's work to get away from the stresses of the day - it's not where you go to face into even more of them.

Your housemate doesn't have to be physically bullying you in order for you to have a grievance. She's dominating the place - a place incidentally where you pay for half of that privilege. The stubborn part of my own personality would be meeting fire with fire and camping out my own friends in the living room on a nightly basis, but realistically, the smartest solution for your own peace of mind is to move out - leave her to her living room and her friend and her silly behaviour, and find somewhere else with housemates closer to your own age, and somewhere you feel comfortable coming back to in the evenings.

tinz18

hankypoodle wrote: »

Thanks so much for this advice. Do you think I'm being unreasonable though? Everyone is telling me just to grit my teeth and stick it out but I don't think I should have to. On the other hand, it's not like she's trashing the flat, threatening me, etc.

I've been there and done that OP and trust me staying is not worth it. I listened to the stick it outers and stayed for nearly a year after that. It never changed, and I became a nervous wreck because I hadn't a home to go to. Came to a head when my mam came to visit and met the housemate in question and then completely understood why I needed to move out.

It must be a trend with certain (not all) mid-30s females acting like they own the place if they happen to be there first. I had a friend of mine have to move out for the same issues you're talking about. I will point out that I lived with an 36 yo female owner-occupier before and loved it so its not the age gaps- the pretenders just tend to rile people more because the "I'm in charge" mentality while sharing equal rent doesn't float well among adults.

dixiefly

OP, are you splitting the utilities, gas, electricity etc? Sounds to me like you are probably payong more than you should for that too.

While you are probably best off looking for another place, I think that you should mention your concerns to her.There are many people that are not happy with a boyfriend around all of the time and this is the same thing. Suggest that there be two nights a week that you would want to be left free for you to bring someone back and that this would be flexible for you. See how she reacts, is she willing to compromise.

retro:electro

Hmmm I'm gonna go against the grain here and say yes you are being a little unreasonable. It's not nice that you don't feel comfortable there yes, but what exactly has she done but make the house her home? So what if her friend/boyfriend/whoever is 50+? Sure that's neither here nor there. Should she not invite anyone over the age of 40 to her own house because you don't feel comfortable with it? It's her house she can have over who she likes. To me all she seems to be doing is making the place her own, which you can't blame her for doing.

You seem to be so put out because its so contrasting to your last place which sounds like a great set up altogether, but that's what happens when you live with strangers, sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. As for the dinner for two thing, are you annoyed that she cooked for someone in her own home or that there wasn't a dinner made for you too? I'm guessing too she was in the place before you were so therefore had the bigger room, which anyone would do; what was she meant to do? Move out and let you have it? Would you do that?
I suggest you start making yourself more at home there, it's your house too and to be honest she doesn't sound all that bad; she's hardly guilty of making herself at home.

LegacyUser

anna080 wrote: »

As for the dinner for two thing, are you annoyed that she cooked for someone in her own home or that there wasn't a dinner made for you too? I'm guessing too she was in the place before you were so therefore had the bigger room, which anyone would do; what was she meant to do? Move out and let you have it? Would you do that?.

I'm thinking the OP's issue with the dinner for two is that it's happening often enough and with no notice to make it an irritation for the OP. Yes she is paying her rent but so is the OP and when you house share you have to find a balance of having OH's over. Dinner for two implies a romantic meal that makes it uncomfortable for other people to be in the space. Regarding the rooms normally when one room is considerably larger the rent is split accordingly not 50/50. To be fair though the OP should have said something when she moved in.

anna080 wrote: »

I suggest you start making yourself more at home there, it's your house too and to be honest she doesn't sound all that bad; she's hardly guilty of making herself at home.

It's easy to say make yourself at home but when someone takes over shared rooms it can be very uncomfortable trying to use the space. I've been there sharing with a girl who had her BF over every night. They took over the kitchen covering every counter with their stuff, leaving their dirty dishes piled up and then taking over the living room and making it very hard for a third person to use the space. I tried talking to her about it but it feel on deaf ears and after a few months I just though life's to short to make yourself miserable when you can move out.

retro:electro

cant log in wrote: »

I'm thinking the OP's issue with the dinner for two is that it's happening often enough and with no notice to make it an irritation for the OP. Yes she is paying her rent but so is the OP and when you house share you have to find a balance of having OH's over. Dinner for two implies a romantic meal that makes it uncomfortable for other people to be in the space. Regarding the rooms normally when one room is considerably larger the rent is split accordingly not 50/50. To be fair though the OP should have said something when she moved in.




It's easy to say make yourself at home but when someone takes over shared rooms it can be very uncomfortable trying to use the space. I've been there sharing with a girl who had her BF over every night. They took over the kitchen covering every counter with their stuff, leaving their dirty dishes piled up and then taking over the living room and making it very hard for a third person to use the space. I tried talking to her about it but it feel on deaf ears and after a few months I just though life's to short to make yourself miserable when you can move out.

Fair enough but the op (I'm guessing) hasn't talked to her housemate about her issues yet. She says herself she is a nice person so maybe she'll listen to what she has to say. Her housemate could be thinking well she spends all her time in her room anyway so I may as well have some people over to keep me company. I've lived with some hellish housemates and these issues at the end of the day aren't that bad, certainly nothing to move out over and nothing a little chat won't address.

mkhall

tinz18 wrote: »

I've been there and done that OP and trust me staying is not worth it. I listened to the stick it outers and stayed for nearly a year after that. It never changed, and I became a nervous wreck because I hadn't a home to go to. Came to a head when my mam came to visit and met the housemate in question and then completely understood why I needed to move out.

It must be a trend with certain (not all) mid-30s females acting like they own the place if they happen to be there first. I had a friend of mine have to move out for the same issues you're talking about. I will point out that I lived with an 36 yo female owner-occupier before and loved it so its not the age gaps- the pretenders just tend to rile people more because the "I'm in charge" mentality while sharing equal rent doesn't float well among adults.

I'm with tinz here, I've been in this situation and I'm not sure where this false owner occupier mentality comes from but it seems to be a trend these days. In my experience and as someone else said, if someone's been there longest they adopt this last in first out mentality and monopolise the house. I've friends who live in owner occupier houseshares and they don't seem to have this problem. It sounds like this girl just wants control of the house altogether and is being very inconsiderate and feels like for some reason she's the upper hand. I'm sure if you did the same she would have a huge problem with it. I've been there and stressing about coming back to your own home is not worth it. Like another poster mentioned its somewhere you should be able to come home and relax after work, college, whatever stresses come with day to day life outside the house. It seems people these days dont want to shell out rent for a whole house/flat yet justify running the house as if they do. I think its hard enough for you to live there regardless of her friends takin up the place because she's constantly there all the time. It would be much better for you to find someone who shares a lifestyle similar to your own, who's out working/visiting friends etc so you generally use the heating/electricity at the same times and aren't constantly on top of each other. In my case I think it was the girl was a bit older couldn't get out on her own so she bullied everyone in the house to gain the upper hand. Did you both move in at the same time and sign a lease together? If you're in a position to move out I most certainly would. I can't see it ending well if you try and confront her about it and if her friends are over that much, she's likely to use them to make you feel even more uncomfortable! In my case the more I avoided my flat mate and her friends I just gave her more power. Have a look at your lease and see what your options are. like tinz said I stuck it out too, and it didn't end well for me. Best of luck OP

Teyla Emmagan

You are in no way being unreasonable OP. Home is supposed to be your sanctuary. If you aren't happy coming home and aren't happy when you get there then move out. Your housemate is an inconsiderate cow and her friends are as bad. You have nothing to gain by toughing this out if you have the choice to leave.

anthony4335

Have you tried talking to your flatmate?