Problem with friend Im living with

LegacyUser

Hi,

I really need advice on this issue, I moved in with my friend about six months ago, all was going well until gradually his girlfriend slowly moved in 7 nights a week. Now he never consulted me about this, and hes a good friend; what should I do? I find it is turning me into an awful person; I think she is a horrid person, always watching what everyone says and does, knows my flatmates paydays; talks about money constantly, prances around the house as if she owns the place. I also have my girlfriend over say 2-3 nights a week but this is taking the piss i reckon. Lease is up in another 6 months, should i say something or just leave it until the lease is up and move out? I honestly dont know why he is dating this girl at all as he is very smart and she has an IQ of room temperature.

I didnt sign up to live with a couple, she is bound to be adding to the costs,

Thank you in advance for your replies

ABajaninCork

OK - the girl might not be the brightest bulb, but she's your mate's problem - not yours.

Is the rent split in half or three ways? If it's half, then time to have a word with matey. It's not on that you're paying his GF's rent and utilities. If his GF's staying over more than three nights, then she lives there and need to pay the rent.

Other than that - wait it out for the lease to end. Then you get your own place and leave the lovebirds to it.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the reply,

Its split in half - no adjustment made. I know its his problem, the audacity of it annoys me on a daily basis; Im pretty sure no one else would put up with it. Its turning me into a horrible person where I cant stand to see her, and whenever I come into the common areas she puts on PDA that is obviously made up for everyone elses benefit.

As i said its turning me into a horrid person, Im constantly contemplating ways I could passive-agressively annoy her eg. find a way to block her internet access etc; anything to make it less attractive for her to be here.

I also think its madness, where are her parents, they must never see her at this rate and she only lives an hour away from where we are in cork.

Daenarys

Happened me before. We were all mates for years that moved in together. Then one of the boys gf started staying over 24/7, eating our food, using our supplies (she would use about 15ft of toilet roll taking off her make up :mad: )

Anyway I was nominated to say it to our friend, in short it caused a lot of hassle and unnecessary grief. The girlfriend had her knife in me because of it, she became loud, messy and generally acting like a sulky brat to intentionally annoy us. After about 2 months of that sh!t, they got their own place and none of us have spoken to them since. Friendships wrecked.

Can you handle another 6 months of it?

aaakev

Daenarys wrote: »

Happened me before. We were all mates for years that moved in together. Then one of the boys gf started staying over 24/7, eating our food, using our supplies (she would use about 15ft of toilet roll taking off her make up :mad: )

Anyway I was nominated to say it to our friend, in short it caused a lot of hassle and unnecessary grief. The girlfriend had her knife in me because of it, she became loud, messy and generally acting like a sulky brat to intentionally annoy us. After about 2 months of that sh!t, they got their own place and none of us have spoken to them since. Friendships wrecked.

Can you handle another 6 months of it?

I could have written this post! Had the same, they eventually moved out 3 months before the lease ended. He went off on holidays for 10 days during the time we lived there and she was still there every ****in day!! We later found out that she was paying half his rent......

Daenarys

aaakev wrote: »

I could have written this post! Had the same, they eventually moved out 3 months before the lease ended. He went off on holidays for 10 days during the time we lived there and she was still there every ****in day!! We later found out that she was paying half his rent......

Ah stop, jaysus that's shockin, house sharing really is sh!te

aaakev

Daenarys wrote: »

Ah stop, jaysus that's shockin, house sharing really is sh!te

Big time!

LegacyUser

Is there anybody who hasn't been in this situation? I can't believe so many people do this. It's shocking.

I moved out of a house because of it a few years ago. The girlfriend was sitting in all day, every day watching Jeremy Kyle and Hollyoaks, spending an hour at a time in the shower (I once had to go to the pub across the road just to pee) and not paying a red cent. If anybody other than her or the boyfriend switched on the TV she'd complain that she didn't want to watch what was on and the boyfriend would give out to the rest for 'making' her watch it (Christ she had a pair of legs to leave if she wanted).

When the boyfriend was confronted there was no talking to him.

Six months is a long time to put up with it and if the boyfriend is anything like the boy I knew, talking to him won't work. You know him though. Maybe you could try. Be very careful how you say it if you do.

Could you get somebody else to take over your lease?

Ugh. What crappy, crappy behaviour.

Tokyo

A couple of nights a week is one thing, 7 days a week is quite another. You're contemplating just riding out the next six months, but that's six months of you paying for her showers, electricity, internet, heating, so on and so forth, not to mention the constant intrusion into your personal time. I'd have no problem in saying it straight up to your housemate that this isn't on, and if he or she says anything about it, suggest that he go stay at her place for a few nights a week - I'm guessing that she won't be so enthusiastic about this idea.

TimeToShine

Tread warily, lads are generally solid, loyal and reliable to each other except when women are involved - things can get messy very quickly and I've seen childhood friendships finished because of them.

Only you know your friend but even then when it comes to something like this it won't be easy to gauge his reaction. You are definitely right to be annoyed, but dealing with it is another matter.

Honestly it's one of those things where confrontation is probably an armchair piece of advice, it is a lot more easily said than done. If I were you, and in your exact position, I'd probably ask your friend what would he think of your girlfriends both moving in so you could save money on rent. Make it perfectly clear you'd expect the rent to be split 4 ways if this happens. Float the idea in no uncertain terms and see how he responds to that, and it'll give you a better idea of what you're working with.

qwerty1991

Hi OP,

Unfortunately I totally understand how frustrating your position is, something similar happened to me.

When I was in college, I moved in with 3 other girls (2 were friends from home). Like most college situations, we were only there Mondays to Fridays and home on the weekends. The girl who we didn't know was only in the house from Mondays until Wednesdays due to work placement. Now my friend from home had gotten a boyfriend the previous year who had always lived away from home at college (due to the commute from his home house 2 hours at least in the morning and 2 hours at night) but this year he had decided to ''commute'' and our friend decided not to tell us until we signed the lease.

Basically he ended up arriving on a Monday morning to our house and leaving on a Thursday night (as he had no classes on Friday) unless ''he missed the bus'' on the Thursday evening. He never offer and when asked refused to pay anything.

To cut a long story short we all fell out horribly with this girl because we didn't have the balls to say anything straight away and now none of us have spoken to her in 3 years, since she moved out.

I would advise you to say it to your friend, not him and his girlfriend but directly to your friend alone as soon as possible. From the situation with us, we let it fester too long and the resentment just built up. If you want to maintain your friendship say something along the lines of you have signed up with a lease with him and not a couple. If he wants her staying over more than say 3 nights a week then he has to make it official and split rent/bills. I would tell him you know it is petty as adults stating how many nights a gf/bf staying over is allowed but he has bought this on himself.


Also in situations like these, your friend and his girlfriend know well that they are taking the piss. I wouldn't fall for ''oh she is only a guest'' or ''I didn't realise''. They know well, and will keep up her living with ye for free as long as you stay quiet. And I seriously wouldn't be surprised if she is giving him money for bills etc. because she is over so much. Also I would bet, but could be wrong, but your apartment/ house might suit your friends gf very much for work or college, not just to see the bf.

Sorry for the long, verrrrry cynical post OP but I just don't understand how people can free ride off their friends like this. Good luck OP!

kylith

Say it to your friend that if she's going to be living there then rent and bills will have to be split 3 ways.

dellas1979

Its all about establishing boundaries.

He could very well turn around and say that your gf is there 2/3 nights.

So, be upfront. X is staying 7 nights. Y stays 2/3 nights. How do we make it fair for all who are paying the bills for them?

irishgirl19

Happened to me. Fell out with my housemate after her boyfriend basically became a live in lodger. Having showers,using electricity, he was even there some days when she wasn't.
Like other have posted,I let it go on too long whereas I should've nipped it in the bud.
Anyway she got on the defensive when I eventually said it and they moved out but I am much more happier as they obviously had no respect for the house.
Ironically she ended up moving into his house share where his lodgers eventually evicted the 2 of them

LegacyUser

I was in an identical situation a few years ago. It got so bad that when my mate went abroad with the lads for a couple of weeks holiday, she was still there every day watching tv, cooking, using our heating constantly even in summer, never contributed a cent.

All the while I was at work earning money to pay the rent. I could no longer shower in my own house as it became so passive aggressive she would work out when I came home from work (different hours on different evenings) and she'd take over the bathroom the second I came in the front door and spend hours in there. I bit my lip for a very long time as I didn't want to fall out with my lifelong best friend, I knew he would side with her.

It turned me into a horrible passive-aggressive person. It altered my personality completely, I could feel my back hunching and my fists clenching every time I entered my own house. It's easier see how unhealthy it was for me now, in hindsight.

I eventually confronted my friend, and of course he sided with her, friendship destroyed. I moved out, he had to move out too, and next thing she broke up with him. Our friendship was never the same again though we do have some communication now.

While it took balls to confront him, I kinda regret it now. I may have been better to make up some excuse and move out asap (can't afford the rent, family emergency?), rather than being specific as to how much his gf annoyed me.

After that I moved into a house by myself, I had feared the thought of not splitting bills/bins/heating/oil/etc previously, but all of my bills ended up being a fraction of what I was paying in the house share (because of my friend's gf). It was only then I truly realised how much of a problem she was.

I think you need to get out OP, but if you want to retain a friendship with your housemate, it may be best to not say anything to your friend about the gf.

6 months is a long time to suffer it. I survived about 5 months by joining a gym/swimming pool and spending as much time as possible there to avoid her. Maybe that is an option for you?

I really wish someone would teach kids in school about house rules, about what is acceptable in house shares (if the gf is there more than 3 nights per week she lives there and needs to pay rent)..

Diemos

Been there, you have my sympathies.

To be honest the path of least resistance may be for you to move out.
It sucks, but I would repeat what the guys have said above do something sooner rather than later.
Things will only fester and get worse.

beks101

I dunno, I'd be pretty straight forward with him if it was me to be honest. If you can't say these things to a friend without everything falling apart then I don't think the friendship was very strong in the first place.

I lived with a close friend of mine for a few months several years ago. We'd just moved to a new country together and it made sense to us both. Disaster. We have very different personalities and house habits as it would transpire and drove each other batsh1t crazy. We sat down one day, had a conversation, got angry, shed some tears and went our separate ways. We were both a bit offended of course but two weeks later things got right back to normal once we'd established our own familiar routines without driving each other up the wall. We're still great friends and that particular decision was a life saver.

I'd approach him as a friend and without pitting yourself against his girlfriend or pinning the blame on her, just say that you're feeling uncomfortable in your own home and missing out on the personal space that you need. Tell him you understand he doesn't get a lot of time with his girlfriend, but that you didn't sign up to live with a couple and nor did he - and you've been respectful of that with your own girlfriend. Can you come to a compromise here? Can they spend more time at her place, or is she willing to chip in for her fair share of the rent and bills, if she's going to be there all the time?

If he responds with rage and turns on you, well that's his prerogative and at least you tried to deal with things in a fair and reasonable fashion.