Friend issue

LegacyUser

Going unreg for this post because I feel quite sensitive about it. I have a friend(frenemy) for a number of years, when we first met I was quite down going through a bad period in my life, and since then there has been the usual ups and downs. Most of my friends would describe me as funny, generous, loyal if they were asked to describe me. However this particular friend, for the last 10years never misses an opportunity to say things like "but you are very depressive anyway", she would describe as depressed first and foremost it's like it's the only way she sees me, I think she almost likes to think of me like that because it makes her feel better if that makes sense. I'm sick of her referring to the 10% of my personality as if it's 99%. She refers to me with pity sometimes which has this air of "you're depressing but I accept you as that". And it just isn't true, it's not all of me, it's just how I was when she first met me 12years ago.

I mentioned it before how it annoys me but it fell on deaf ears or else she thought I wasn't serious. Last night I went to visit her and she started the same stuff again, she lost her husband 6months ago so I just gritted my teeth and said nothing.

It really gets me down but she's one of only a few people I know since I've moved back to this city.

Am I making a big deal of this? Will I ever get her to change her opinion of me, should I stop trying to? Does anyone else understand this situation?

Tigger99

Normally I'd say just stop contacting her, as her attitude towards you is appalling. However considering she is going through a bereavement I'd give her one more chance. I would tell her that you are considering ending the friendship because of her attitude and see what she says.

At the end of the day, don't ever feel bad for wanting to protect yourself and your mental health.

missjm

Tigger99 wrote: »

I would tell her that you are considering ending the friendship because of her attitude and see what she says.

I think this is a bit harsh if nothing has been said to her about it in all this time. Op - have you ever actually said to her that you don't see yourself like that at all and it's a pity she still does. Remind her that people change.

I once had a friend who would start almost every sentence with 'Do you know what your problem is...' or 'The thing that is wrong with you..' It did nothing for my self esteem given I didn't think I actually had a 'problem'. I called her out on it but she continued to do it and I ended up distancing myself enough to end the friendship.

Stavro Mueller

I wonder if you knew more people would you be wanting to stay friends with her? I can only go by what you've written here of course but I've no idea what you got from this friendship with her. I wonder were the pair of you using each other to a certain extent? I assume if that's the way she behaves towards you, she's not much different to other people and doesn't have many friends?

Tigger99

She did mention that she said it to her friend bur it had fallen on deaf ears, hence my suggestion of the rather blunt ultimatum.

Edit: that's in response to missjm

missjm

Tigger99 wrote: »

She did mention that she said it to her friend bur it had fallen on deaf ears, hence my suggestion of the rather blunt ultimatum.

Edit: that's in response to missjm

Just spotted that! thanks!

LegacyUser

Thanks for replies. To whoever said if I had more friends in this area, you're probably right, if I had I wouldn't be inclined to visit her as much. I would definitely give her a miss, except now I would feel guilty if I baled out on her when she's just had a bereavement but at the same time I don't want to have to take this treatment.

I don't know if I want to say it to her that I'm thinking of ending the friendship, I may just start to keep my distance, otherwise I could just imagine she would turn it into a big argument and she'd make it my fault for overreacting.

Anyway, thank you. I appreciate the replies.

Stavro Mueller

If you don't want to be friends with her - and it appears that you don't - then just gradually reduce contact. No need to tell her you don't want to see her any more or anything like that. Just don't initiate texts, meet-ups etc. It is of course unfortunate that she has had this bereavement and you don't want to kick her when she's down. She doesn't seem to make you feel any better about yourself though and that was why I asked the "using each other" question.

Perhaps it might also be time for you to stretch out your own wings and try to meet more people yourself. It'll take a bit of effort of course but it'll be worth it.