Father vehemently disproves of inter racial r'ships-should I tell a new partner

LegacyUser

I am in my twenties, white Irish, I was in a relationship before with someone who was black. It was a solid committed relationship of over two years, but my family only met him after one year, as we're not a super close family and don't make a big deal about dating/partners unless they're serious. My family only met my ex once. My Dad didn't interact much with him when he came over, but was polite and made very brief small talk. This did not seem unusual as my Dads social skills are awful at the best of times.

Shortly after meeting him, my Dad began to distance himself from me, until it came to the point when he was basically ignoring me when I came home to visit, he also never called me on my birthday or acknowledged it in any way. This upset me and I asked my mum about it, who eventually came clean and said that my Dad had massive issues with my relationship and had been trying to get her to tell us to break up. The issue being that my ex was black. My mum was disgusted and said that once I was treated well and happy she didnt care who I was with, and even so, it was not their place to interfere in my life. My parents ended up having massive arguments about it. I found out that my Dad had become almost obsessed with the 'problem' and was an absolute nightmare to live with, ranting every single day at my mum to the point that she was feeling like he was 'losing the plot'. It was so stressful to think that my relationship was causing all of this, although I knew it was not my fault, it was a massive weight to bear.

I would not accept my mum getting any flack due to my life choices so I confronted my Dad and said that we needed to talk. I was so angry and hurt but remained very logical and calm. He stated that he has no problem with black people but does not agree with inter racial relationships. He was extremeley upset and called it a 'family tragedy'. He even cried during the conversation which I never in my life had seen him do.

It became very apparent that his concerns were entirely about his 'image' -what his friends would think, if he had a grandchild who was mixed race etc. It was entirely irelevent to him that I was happy and treated well. It was so shocking and hurtful to hear, I had no idea he held these opinions. I informed him that I would not be ending the relationship because of his racist views and that it is aboslutely not ok to take the issue out on my mum. I said that he would not have to meet my then partner again and that I would not talk about him in my Dads presence but that he would have to accept that we are together. I said that if he did not stop ranting about it and making my mums life a misery I would be left with no choice but to stop seeing him until he controlled his behaviour.

Long story short in the end he agreed to accept the relationship and ignore it, as he did not want to disown me. The thing is, the relationship ended not too long after all that so I never got to see if he would have stuck to that agreement. I don't believe that he would have been capable to be honest, as it was such a massive issue for him.

What I need advice on is this. I have been seeing someone new, who is also black, and things look like they may end up getting more serious. I feel so sad and awful to think that all of that drama and stress and worry about my mother will probably flare up again if my Dad were to find out. If we were to become an item I wouldnt even bother telling my Dad until the point we were practically married, but I don't know if I should tell this guy about my Dads views straight away if things become official.

Part of me thinks he should be told so that he can make an informed decision if he wants to be in a relationship with someone where all of this is going to play a factor down the line if we remain together for some time. I'm worried that if we became more serious, and sometime down the line, if he wanted to meet my parents, and I only told him then, it would seem disrespectful or devious to have kept that issue from him. Understandably maybe he would have preferred the choice to avoid the drama entirely and not get in to a relationship with me. It really is a massive deal, I don't think I have even described accurately how crazy my Dad went over the whole thing. My Dad is so stubborn and pig headed, and not the type who would soften over time.

At the same time, if I said it when we became official, it might make things weird or change our relationship unecessarily or create an elephant in the room or make my family appear like awful people or that I have a strange background. I don't want to negatively effect the chances of the relationship by saying it too early, especially in the light fun early days. Is it too big an issue to bring up at the beginning? Is it not relevent because we would not yet be very serious? Especially when maybe we would never even get to the meet the parents stage anyway, but I also dont want to make someone feel angry or deceived or regretful that they did not know about it from the start.

It's so disgusting and hurtful to think that this is even a issue that I need to feel anxious about. Thanks so much for your impartial views.

ABajaninCork

I'm black and have an inter-racial marriage to a white Irishman - We're mirror twins!

It's a shame that your father seems to be stuck in the past. He's also the kind of guy to worry about the neighbour's sensibilities rather than his own. in fact - the neighbours probably couldn't care less about the colour of his potential grandchild. The problem is most definitely with him. You can't change that I'm afraid, and I wouldn't stress myself trying.

I'd enjoy this relationship as it is now. Unless and until it goes to the next level, then I don't think there's any point in speaking to your family. But - you should speak to your partner about your father's views. Be matter of fact, but let him know. It probably won't come as a surprise to him to hear that anyway, sorry to say.

Hope this helps!

suicide_circus

What can you say. Will you let your fathers bigotry dictate your life? From your post it doesn't sound like it, nor should you. You say he is stubborn and won't change, well that seems pretty final does it not? Tell him this is how it is and you will be devastated not to have him in your life but you won't put up with his backward nonsense. We get one chance at this life OP, never forget it.

zimmermania

Get your boyfriend and your dad a copy of "Guess who is Coming to Dinner"starring Sidney Potier and Spencer Treacy and ask them to watch it.Your black boyfriend will be well aware of the underlying racism that exists in many white people,especially those who preface their remarks with "i am not racist but".Your dad will have to accept that you are entitled to go out with whoever you wish and you must politely tell him that you would like his approval but if it is not forthcoming you will just have to get on with your life.He will come to understand that you must choose for yourself and that we are living in a new exciting multicultural world.

canttalk

There is very little you can do about your father's views. If he was getting so highly stressed about an "if" - potential grandchildren to the point where the quality of life for both himself and your mum was affected I think the best thing is not to tell him. Simply because it won't make an ounce of difference what you say to him about it, if you were even married etc....

I feel awful for you- when we love someone we want our closest and dearest to like them too . And when your special person is dismissed on the flimsiest of excuses (because colour is meaningless, as would be height, crooked teeth or any such physical characteristic) it's hurtful and baffling. For what its worth I'm a foreign girl with mixed race children. My parents didn't like the children's Irish daddy and he thought it was racial but it turns out my parents were just really awful snobs as our backgrounds are so different and they expected me to be with some highly successful (and monied) person!

You do owe it to your man to let him know how things stand with your dad though. It can be an issue depending on his background no matter how much you love each other, especially if you see this leading to marriage. It doesn't mean that a disapproving dad will scare him off (heaven knows there are plenty of same colour couples with in-laws who don't like them for whatever reason) but for him to support you he has to know why you are so upset in the first place - and also how to deal with things should he ever have opportunity to meet your family.

I wish you all the best. Love sometimes does conquer all but it can be a hard road getting there.

piperh

You sound like you are very much your own person with a lot of strength and conviction so I'm sure when it comes to it you won't be influenced by his outdated beliefs.

What I would say is once you are past the meeting on a friday night in the local stage of the relationship broach the topic lightly with your boyfriend. Say your dad has difficulties accepting mixed race relationships but don't go into the extent of his issues until it gets serious. This gives him a heads up and an out if he wants it without making it a big deal.

If it does become serious sit your dad down and go over things calmly and honestly, stating you'd like his approval but don't need it and will continue regardless. You will likely find if it does become serious and your dad sees you are treated well and happy in time he will come around. It may not ever be pint fown the pub on Sunday lunchtime but ok when you visit. Your dad clearly cares and doesn't want to lose you so when push comes to shove he will most likely come around.

Mick Murdock

Disown your redneck father.

jopax

Hi there, I really do feel for you, its an awful and unnecessary situation to have to deal with.

I do think that there is many Irish fathers that would act exactly like your dad misfortunately.

Racism does exist and its only when it comes to your own doorstep do you realise how much fear, snobbery and ignorance people carry around with them.

I actually feel sorry for your father that he is so narrow minded but in his head he thinks his fears are genuine.

Your father loves you so that is one positive here. If he won't change his view than you might have to agree to disagree on this.

I think I would tell my new partner the situation as if it was me I would like to know beforehand, honesty is best here.

If it is meant to be it will be, regardless of your fathers bigoted views.

I do admire you for standing your ground.
Its a pity there wasn't more like you and your mum around, it would make this world a much nicer place to be.

Do what you feel right for yourself, you can't control what your father thinks.

Just out of curiosity I would love to know what he is afraid of, I know he said mixed children but what is there to be afraid about that.

I think its lovely to see inter racial children, it makes us a nicer country and its lovely to learn about different cultures.

Betty Bloggs

You've said that with your new partner "things look like they may end up getting more serious" so I think you should definitely at least tell them what the situation with your father is. I agree with your idea that this man should be allowed make an informed decision about whether he wants to get serious with someone who there could be a lot of drama with in the future should you ever choose to have children etc.

Like what if you ever got married and your dad refused to attend, how would your partner's family react to that and how would it make them and your partner feel? If you ever have children, would your father refuse to accept his grandchildren based on the colour of their skin? Would your partner be able to deal with his kids being shunned by their own grandparent, I'd imagine he'd be very concerned about how this would make them feel as would you.

These problems are absolutely able to be overcome though, and I don't think your partner would judge you over your father's views, it's not your fault and out of your control really. He could even be of the mindset that it's you he's in the relationship with and loves so that is the most important thing and that you could work as a team to deal with any future problems that may occur, that your father's views are not going to be able to ruin your happiness or future plans.

It is fair to let him decide himself though and let him know what he's getting into. You obviously don't have to mention kids or marriage situation to him though as it's only early days in relationship, just let him know what the craic is and he'll probably consider these things himself to think over.

I would say nothing to your parents for now. If asked if you're seeing anyone by them, you should just say "after the last fiasco I'll be keeping my relationship status private from now on. Whether I'm single right now or dating I don't wish to speak about any of it unless I feel there's a need to tell you"

Best of luck with the new relationship.

TimeToShine

I empathise with you OP but you have to realize that your father, and by extension his friends, are from a different generation. You cannot change his mind no matter what you do, and more importantly you have to realize that he isn't a bad person because of this environmental conditioning. Your primary concern should be ensuring your mother doesn't have to deal with any more hassle from him about it. As long as he stays quiet in that regard then you've done all you can do.

He may come around in time, he may not. You sound like you are able to handle confrontation very well so do your best for the sake of your mother but you'll have to accept that this is the kind of thing that doesn't smooth over.

LegacyUser

OP here, thank you very much to everyone for their opinions.

It has confirmed my feelings that I should come clean to the person I'm seeing about my Dad's views. So cringeworthy but at least I am lucky that my mother and siblings were also disgusted at my Dad's views and very vocal in supporting me, so at least even if my Dad doesn't come around, my partner could meet my mum and siblings and feel welcomed by them.

It's an interesting illustration of how people keep these fundamental beliefs hidden. I had never heard my Dad make racist comments, whereas my Mam on numerous ocassions has said very ignorant but not ill meaning things that I deemed to be racist and xenophobic, but when it came to it, colour meant nothing to her at all.

Anyway, thanks again!