Please advise - I am pulling my hair out..

opinionsmatter

I am living in a small town in the south. Recently, due to circumstances beyond my control I had to temporarily move into my parents house with my 2 children for a month. My parents are both 55+ and live alone during the week but my brother returns home every weekend from college in Limerick. My father works full time and mother part time(10 hours per week).
Anyhow, getting back to the point of my post - whilst I was staying at home I noticed a few things that really really annoyed me and made me feel very sorry for my Mother - I don't know what to do - do I ignore it, say nothing and continue to despise my Father for knowing what I know or do I say something? Here's the things:
-Father comes home every evening and unless he is waited on hand and foot by my Mother he goes mental. I mean literally waited on hand and foot - dinner on the table, glass of milk poured for him. He won't even push his chair in after getting up from the table or carry his dirty delph to the sink, but instead demands a cup of coffee and piece of cake before going into the main room in the house on his own and shutting the door as if to say "do not disturb"
-Every evening he comes home he goes straight for his laptop and sits on it for hours on end being completely unsociable-not speaking to anyone at all(not even a hello when he comes in). I was noticing him getting panicky every time anyone went near him while he was on his precious laptop and one day I accidentally saw him looking at obscene pictures of other women on it(he doesn't know I saw what he was looking at). I couldn't help myself so decided to investigate further to find he is a member on several different dating sites looking for a woman between 30 - 40 (the same age as me!!!!)
-My father thinks he is so smart and criticizes everything anyone ever does - nobody can do anything right only him, accept he can't - he's not even clever enough to delete the history on his laptop. It's as if he feels he is entitled to treat everyone like crap because he is the main earner in the house and as a result of this also everyone should bow to his attention. He won't even give his own family the time of day and seems to care about nobody only himself - as if he is the most important person in the entire world.
There are lots of other things I could say but I think you'll get the picture.
I feel so sorry for my Mother-she waits in him hand and foot and is so good to him and he treats her like a dog. I feel even worse for her now that I have moved out as I know what she is putting up with behind closed doors - she can't go anywhere as if she's not home with dinner ready when he returns from work he'll go mental. He comes home, eats, goes into a room and closes the door on her and then sleeps. No conversation. She sits in the kitchen listening to the radio waiting for him to click his fingers when he wants something!
It's so awful to say, but I even hate returning home now for visits and have seriously cut down on the frequency of them as I hate looking at him.
I would appreciate any advice anyone can give me on my situation, or your opinions on what, if anything, you'd do if in the same situation. I don't want to fall out with my family and don't want my Mother to get hurt!
Help please!

Wompa1

My advice is: Stay out of it, don't make it your business. They are both adults. Getting involved will only lead to a messy situation for you

Rubberchikken

Have you spoken to your mother? Has he always behaved like this ?

Irealise it's hard to see your mother treated in this way but you need to realise that sometimes people put up with certain things for a bit of peace.

missjm

It's up to your mother to say something herself, stay out of it.

Oryx

Has your mother said she is unhappy?

retro:electro

I would find it hard to keep shtum about it myself especially since you are so close with your mother. However if you do tell, be prepared for not much heed to be taken and not much to change.

You need to make sure that your mother is ok. Don't ignore it. Your mother could be unhappy and maybe wants to talk about it.
As for the laptop stuff, you should snap pics of his online profile and address him directly, away from your mother.
Before you take any action, you do need to consider the repercussions and decide yourself if you are going to be able to improve the situation or cause the destruction of your parents marriage.

TimeToShine

Talk to your mother and try and gauge how she feels about the current state of affairs without explicitly mentioning your father.

If she is happy, stay out of it.

R.D. aka MR.D

Has this only started recently or has he been like like this while you were growing up?

It seems very strange that it would start all of a sudden.

He sounds exactly like my own father, to be honest. The way i look at it is that your mother made the choice to be with him and stay with him. It's none of your business especially if this is how things have always been.

Neyite

He sounds awful. To be honest, she may be miserable, but equally, she may want to stay in this relationship willingly. It's domestic abuse.

Have a read of this. You'll find it really helpful. Then, if you think she is open to the concept, see if she will read it too. The trouble with controlling relationships is that the victim is conditioned and finds it very hard to see things as they really are or to break free, and can take some time.

What I will say is, that in the interim, dont avoid her because you are avoiding him. You are a lifeline to her, and probably the highlight in her day is when you visit with the children. Abusers love having their victims to themselves and discourage others from being around. Part of the control you see. So by avoiding her, its doing exactly what he wants. Be patient with her - talk to womans aid and find out how you can help, if you can at all, and be there for her.

Normally I'd say that the dating sites are something to be concerned about, but in this case, if this didn't occupy him, chances are that your mother would have to put up with him more, both in general terms and in terms of intimacy. She may be fully aware of his internet habits, or have a pretty good suspicion but it suits her too that he is otherwise occupied?

LegacyUser

Personally, telling your mother directly may not be the best for her well-being. What you could do is assist your mother with finding self-empowerment. In abusive relationships i.e. where someone is constantly treated like she has no value, she begins to believe it, even subconsciously.

Pay her compliments. Take her out for lunch/dinner on her own. Encourage her to do activities outside of the home. Try and get her away from the house for dinner time and let your dad make his own. Help her get her sense of self back. She may start making changes on her own then re waiting on your father hand and foot.

WheatenBriar

To be honest OP,reading this,I'd say your father is probably way more unhappy than your mother and that's punishment enough
I doubt he's finding anything meaningful from those websites and he probably feels trapped in his relationship with your mum
For her part,I'd guess she knows little better of life other than this now and has found a level in it, this is her life
I'd say nothing, just be nice to your mum,they don't be around as long as we'd like
Same goes for your Dad actually

Having said all that, I'd agree it's a horrible situation but stirring the pot now will only release the hornets-hence the advice to thread softly here

Dr.Teeth

I know it will not fix things, maybe if you were knowledgeable enough about tech, you could block the sites he looks at, through the BB router.
At least he cannot look at it in the house, very disrespectful to you all living there.