I can't fall in love

LegacyUser

This may seem utterly crazy, and maybe I'm just being young and naive, but I'm genuinely baffled as to why love is and why I don't seem to be able to understand it.
I've never been overly romantic, I always considered myself level-head and matured but I still thought love existed. I know I love my friends, but that's different. I've never been sure I loved my family. I do care about them obviously but mostly I just feel obligation.

I've had several boyfriends. My most recent ex is the only one I ever thought I loved. Some of the others were great and I feel I should have loved them too but I can't understand how I could not have been in love with my recent ex. I did think I loved him for a while, but then I realised that it wasn't what everybody else described love as. Now I'm not stupid, I don't usually put stock in what others say but everybody agrees about love. Everybody says "you just know" I didn't. I consciously reached the conclusion I was in love. And I would often keep re-evaluating things. I was rarely sure that I loved him, I worried about not loving him enough. There were no butterflies (not after, like the 3rd date). I thought butterflies were rom-com nonsense until recently! I would never describe anything about me or my actions towards him as passionate, in fact I'm not even sure what that means. I was always aware of his flaws, and not in a "but I wouldn't change them for the world" sort of way, I would have loved to have changed some of them.

I just always thought I'd get that "Woosh" of love. What I felt for him was the strongest I've ever felt for anyone and I can only describe it a "really nice" not the overwhelming, transformative experience everyone else seems to have. It was not fundamentally different from how I feel about my friends; I just wanted to talk to him more. I'm 28 now and sometimes I worry that if I haven't once been in love yet then I never will be

Oryx

Love doesn't have to be a 'whoosh' of feeling. It comes in many guises, and to think it has to be as described by a film or as someone else feels it is a fallacy. Everyone is wired up differently. We all have different emotional responses to all kinds of things. Perhaps you are just a particularly calm and unflappable person, who doesn't get emotional highs and lows?

I don't think its that you cannot fall in love, clearly you can, but it just may not feel to you how you've been conditioned to think it should.
And even if you've been unlucky (or lucky - you've missed heartbreak too!) enough not to find someone you go head over heels for at 28, doesn't mean it will never happen. I'm just saying the hollywood version doesn't have to, anyway. For some, love can hit like a shock, for others, it can settle over them like a comfy blanket.

The key things to show youre with a good match(from my perspective anyway) are:
Do I miss this person when they are not around?
Given the choice, would I spend time in their company in preference to doing other things?
If I could never see them again, would that hurt?
If I heard they were in trouble, would I care?

Is that lot love? I dont know. But its a good start.

LegacyUser

I am seeing someone I have known now for five years.... we were friends but we got together a few months back (against my better judgement as I never get with my friends). Four months later and we have a great relationship. I never thought she could be the one. It wasn't the butterflies, or the Rom Com event.... it wasn't

You won't like every aspect of someone else and if friends were willing to reveal what they do dislike, you might get a more honest picture of a relationship (and they probably won't tell us 'I hate the way he eats his soup / slurps his tea / snores).

I can see some faults in my partner which I have to accept as she accepts mine.

Have a read of The Road Less Travelled. There is a great section about Love in that - it separates out romantic love / "I really love ice cream" / what loving really is.

When I was 26 I thought I was in love - it was infatuation based on my gf at the time (A) being very attractive and (B) that she wanted to go out with me. Love is based on much more than that. Some people fall in love all the time - they possibly have less criteria than you. Criteria for a relationship is a good thing though.

Potatoeman

If you love your friends then its just like that with the added physical relationship. The whole butterflies things always fades through familiarity anyway. Some people fall in love easily others dont.

Saralee4

There was a thread in AH a few weeks ago where the guy was asking what is love. I think people confuse it. I know it has confused me at times especially when you see 'romantic' movies and the definition that Hollywood has come up with.

"I think a lot of people confuse Love with something called Limerence.

Limerence is like that kind of crazy romantic excited feeling where you think the person can do nothing wrong but its a bit deeper than infatuation. You think about the person a lot. It can last a few months or sometimes even a couple of years and can even last for decades. In love, you sincerely love a person irrespective of whether there is any reciprocation or not, but in limerence, happiness comes by reciprocation, however small it is. Limerence is like a drug. You get butterflies when you see the person. Its like how you feel in the honeymoon period.

Once you've transitioned out of infatuation/limerence, hormone levels dropping, you either attach or you do the opposite, you detach and move on. This attachment can then turn into love. Love is a kind of respect and kindship. Its like when you know the person so well and you know and love their faults, you will be there for them no matter what.

Love is like a friendship, companionship and trust. Limerence is like uncertainty, lust and desire."

I think the feeling you think you are missing might be this Limerence which is exciting but doesn't last.

LegacyUser

Op here,

Thanks for the replies, I had thought that people would either laugh or not understand but all the replies were really encouraging. I suppose I really do just need to stop listening to other people. But I find it hard to trust in my own feelings. I find myself google all sorts of self help stuff and philosophical definitions but I can never find an answer that satisfies me. I'll think about all the things you have all metnioned, though if anybody else would like to chip in I'd be grateful.