Cliques at work...feeling left out

LegacyUser

Just wondering if this is a common thing, to be honest I feel quite down about it. I'm not sure why I feel down about it because my job is temporary but anyway. I've been working on a team for about 11 months. We're a bunch of guys in our mid-20's. I have always been a quiet kinda person in groups and only really chatty in one to one interactions.

But still, I always went out with them over the last 11 or so months for after work drinks etc so it's not like I didn't get on with any of them. But last night when we were out I noticed that the more extroverted people (around 7 of them) have a what's app group together where they send each other messages constantly. They kept making references to it throughout the night. As in they were sending messages while we were all at the table. So say there was 7 of them and about 4 or 5 of us not included in the group.

I'm also not in any of their snapchat groups or anything. I know it's such a trivial thing to feel down about but I feel like there's something wrong with me that I was never added to any of these groups. A couple of them have my number like so I feel like they think I must be boring or something. IT's like just because i'm not the kinda guy that is constantly funny or chatty in group situations, i'm seen as no craic.

Apologies if this seems silly but I was just looking for some advice on it. Do these cliques always exist in a work environment?

amdublin

Aww I am really sorry to hear this and how you are feeling.

From my perspective I think that yes sometimes groups do have whatsapp groups set up, however I think it is such bad bad form of them to talk about it when other people are excluded.

Saying that, if a group of people would do they don't sound very nice to me so I think you are better off. Go for the few drinks or whatever but get on with your life and friends out side of work.

ABajaninCork

They sound very immature to me. What age are they - 12??

I've been on the receiving end of the clique thing too. I'm not really into outside socialising after work, but over the years I've had to force myself to go to stuff occasionally.

Just continue to smile sweetly in the face of their rudeness and immaturity. After all - you only work with these people. They're not your best friends!

December2012

Hang on - you can't get upset because other people are closer and friendlier with each other than with you.

That doesn't mean it's a clique or anything at all exclusionary.

They are friends with each other and there's nothing wrong with that. This is not a situation where everybody has to be treated the same.

You get on, you go for drinks, that's good. They get in better, that's fine too.

The only thing these guys have done wrong is show some bad phone etiquette by texting in a group while in company.

fallen01angel

Hi OP,1st of all it is unbelievably rude and really quite sad of them to group chat via Whatsapp whilst in company.Work cliques are quite common in larger companies,there's a "cool" (in their opinions anyway!!!) clique in my current job.
Always making sure they're all sitting together,keeping seats for each other. Reading this you would think they're 15 year old school girls but these are men and women in their early to late 30's!! It's very funny to observe.
Honestly OP I wouldn't read too much into it at all,do you have friends and other interests outside of work? If you were to leave that job tomorrow would you keep in touch with them,remember they are your work colleagues,obviously it nice to have friends in work but it's quite rare that you find and hold onto friends you make in a job,try not to take it personally.

mighty magpie

Hi OP

There are no groups in snapchat just so you know.

On the whatsapp group, it could have been made for a certain purpose before you joined the company and continued on as beers/football/lad bible type conversation/humour. I have been in a few where the creator of the group did not know how to add any extra members after the initial creation.

Don't let it bug you too much. I think it's a bit weird that the lads would reference the text group when a number of you aren't part of it.

LegacyUser

I think it is rude for a group of people to be constantly on whatsapp with other people around at your table. I don't get people who spend most of their night out interacting with the people they are out with by mobile phone.

If you want to be part of it then you just have to be a little cheeky and assertive and ask them for you to join their whatsapp group or whatever.

I have experienced a similar work environment in that same age bracket recently. A similar sized group of us around our mid-20s started together, I bonded fantastically well with everyone for the first 6 months but over time I wasn't as close as I was with them, I was always certain that because I wasn't on facebook or snapchat I was out of the loop on so much of the banter and goings on I became a little bit of an outsider in their eyes. I left the job eventually and I'm only still in contact with one of them.

If you want to dampen your feelings about feeling left out you're either going to have to assert yourself to become more involved in their dynamics or just accept that you're not one of them you are your own person and get on with your own work life. Whether they are doing anything wrong or not with their group behaviour whatever you do don't snap at them or make any negative remarks that would make life difficult for you in your job. Most of them probably won't be in contact with each other in 2 years time with the way work based friendships last from my experience so you're probably not missing being part of anything tangible.

Mick Murdock

I agree that they've done absolutely nothing wrong here. It doesn't sound like you are very close (most of them don't have your number) so I'm not sure why they would have to include you or the 4 others in a chat group.

I don't mean this as a personal attack but a lot of people are too quick to blame their social inadequacies (possibly too strong a term) on other people. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being quiet and it generally improves as you get older but if it's causing you problems like this maybe you should try and address that.

Not everybody has to be your friend either. Some people aren't worth it.

Good luck.

Wabbit Ears

TBH the fact that your going out with them really does mean you are included. I had assumed before reading the OP that you weren't being invited out at all but that's not the case.

Did you express an interest in the group conversation when they mentioned it at the table? Say something like, What you all chatting about there? If it annoyed you did you not say, a jaysus lads, keep your little chat club out of the pub or something like that?

Like I cant stand football. The amount of times Ive sat with my own thoughts in pubs and lunchbreaks because its all about football. Theres loads of fantasy football and other stuff that they all do together including astroturf 5 a side that Im not invited to. Of course there is a little feeling of being left out as that only natural but then again 3 of us go running in the mornings that they have no interest in and haven't been invited, It all evens out. If any of them said they wanted to do running they be invited straight away. Since we openly talk about all these activities theres always the open door to express interest.


TLDR: Its only a clique if its secretive, the fact that they are open about the groups is not being clicky.

glassdaisies

Oh my gosh, I know EXACTLY how you feel. I started a new job back in June, and I could have almost written your post exactly. I'm much quieter than normal at work, as well as when I meet new people, so a lot of people thought I came off as a bit rude or standoffish. They were always going out after work, and not even bothering to invite me at all. Like you, I felt it was silly and hated that it made me feel the way it did.

Honestly, 7 months later, I still don't really go out with them after work, but they've really warmed up to me while we're at work, and it's made the job a lot more fun.

My advice is to not take a lot of stock in it. If they've all created their own little clique, try not to pay them any mind or overthink that. Work doesn't need to make you best friends, but as long as you're getting along ok, I wouldn't worry too much. Just have fun with them at work and when you're out, and let them have their own texting group if they want to.

cloudatlas

Their behaviour at the table was rude but you can't really be surprised that these people have developed close friendships over the years.

It's difficult being a temp, you feel on the outside in many interactions. I think you should try to work on your confidence in terms of speaking in group situations. I am also better at one to one's but if you don't contribute then you get side lined which can be uncomfortable.

mada82

Some people just click better than others. I don't think anyone has done anything wrong in this situation.