Found boyfriend's dating profile - he denies it

mandysoup

I'd love some advice on the situation I am currently in. I'm confused beyond words!

Recently I was searching for a friend's blog, and whilst searching, I noticed the web address of a dating website on the drop down menu. I went to it, and through typing in my boyfriend's e-mail address, I found he had an account, in which it states he lives in Dublin. Now the confusing part - we just moved to Ireland about 8 months ago. We have been together for nearly 3 years, and have lived in Holland previously. I confronted him about it and he said he hasn't touched that site in years. When I asked why then does it say he lives in Ireland, he said he was 'confused as I am,' and perhaps it somehow takes the IP address of where you are now based. I ended up e-mailing the dating website asking if that were possible, in which they replied no, the user must change it themselves. (Obviously.)

Another weird fact - about a year ago, I wiped all the history from our computer, but the address still pops up in the address bar. But he hasn't logged in in years, he says.

After asking him about it several times, he denies everything. He says I am insulting him by accusing him of doing such things and that I am being too dramatic. Based on his past, I feel like I have every right to be suspicious - he's cheated twice in previous relationships - but he doesn't seem to understand my concern.

How would you feel/think, and what would you do? This is a man whom I've invested a lot in - moving across the world to be with him - as well as someone who I plan on marrying and having a family with. I don't want to leave him due to this, but of course I need to be able to trust him. How could his location have changed without him changing it?

pookie82

Based on what you've just told us, you have two pretty solid reasons to suspect he's lying. The website THEMSELVES have confirmed HE needs to change his location, and you wiped the history on that computer long since he claims to have last been on it. Did you show him the email from the website arguing his claim?

Cheating in past relationships doesn't necessarily mean he's doing it to you too. Could even be that he logged in recently some day/month out of boredom for a look at his old profile with no intention of adding to it or using it, but he feels that even telling you this would lead to suspicion.

I think you have fairly good grounds (the two points above) on which to say to him "look, I really want to believe you, it's not in my interests to find to the contrary, but I'm struggling with these two factors. Can you sign in beside me and let me see when you were last active on it to clear this up?" Most of those websites would have a "last active" date, I think.

If he's innocent as he says, he'll be affronted, but it'll be pretty easy to prove he's being honest, and it'll only take a couple of minutes. I'd be pretty willing to do this to put my bf's mind at ease if he had found similar on my laptop while in a relationship with him. I'd only get aggressive and defensive if I had something to hide. If this happened to me I'd be keen to prove my innocence and then laugh it off as a misunderstanding.

You'll probably get told a lot that if you don't trust him you shouldn't be with him at all, but it sounds like you did or do up until this point. But that's usually the way these things go... you trust someone implicitly until they give you reason not to.

If you were just relying on the computer history point as a note of suspicion, I'd be willing to suggest maybe that's a glitch and it wasn't wiped properly. But with the website themselves insisting HE has to change his location, well... I'd be bringing it up again, I think.

Edit: when you found he was on it, did you actually sign in? If you didn't check at that point when he was last active, while in there, then signing in now will just show that occasion as his last activity (unless he's lying and stupid enough to have been on it again since!). If there was a "last edited" option to view that would clear everything up. If you did actually sign in, did you notice anything in his inbox? I'm not sure how these work as I've never used one, but I would have thought signing in would show messages or something like that fairly quickly if there were any recent ones.

Tasden

Depending on what you mean by deleting the history, if the site was added to favorites or bookmarks it would still show up in the address bar like that despite clearing browsing history so check them maybe? Although he may have deleted it since your conversation.

Although it seems like hes lying and turning it back on you to take the heat off himself.
Did it not say somewhere on the site when he was last active?

R.D. aka MR.D

Ugh, i have experience with this.

In my case, i had a screenshot of his profile with the last active date being the day before. He denied, denied, denied and then finally gave in and admitted that he had been on it but 'only for attention'.

He's out of my life now, thankfully.

Cheaters are liars and they will lie and blame you and make you doubt yourself. It's how they are able to continue cheating.

strobe

Seems pretty cut and dry unfortunately, sorry. The website have confirmed that you must change the location yourself, he changed it to where he is currently living. There's obviously a fairly odds on front runner for why someone would do that, they were looking to date other people in their location. Worse case scenario, he's been doing just that for an undetermined period, using the site to date/sleep with other people... 'Best' case scenario, he hadn't actually cheated but was putting himself out there to see what other options, other than you, were available to him... Normally I'm all for giving people the benefit of the doubt as when we really love someone our fear of the possibility of losing them can make us think a bit irrationally sometimes and jump to conclusions etc. But facts are facts, he had a dating site profile, was active on it in the last 8 months, and had updated his location to let other people in that location know he was available to date them...

honey79

Not sure what site it is but most of them tell you the last time the person was online , but I would say that if he changed the country you have your answer , Sorry op I know how much this hurts

Shrap

mandysoup wrote: »

After asking him about it several times, he denies everything. He says I am insulting him by accusing him of doing such things and that I am being too dramatic. Based on his past, I feel like I have every right to be suspicious - he's cheated twice in previous relationships - but he doesn't seem to understand my concern.

How would you feel/think, and what would you do?

I'd be gutted if I thought there was truth to it, of course. At the same time, I'd be gutted if I made a massive big deal about it and he was telling the truth. Based on what you've said there, and the fact that you've gone as far as you can in finding out without a row that could go either way for you, I'd now be looking for proof and if the row happens then so be it.

Is there any way you can make your own account using a false email and go on there to see if it does show your last activity? If it does, then I'd go for the asking him to show you his account. You are entitled to be reassured about it at this point, but I'm sure that you'll get more of the accusations that you're being too dramatic. I would persist though, and bring up the fact that you had no trust issues till you saw this drop-down and that it would be simpler for him to just show you than for you to have a niggling doubt from now on.

If he point blank refuses? Drop it for a week or so and then contact him through the site. You need proof, and it shouldn't be such a big deal for him to reassure you with proof without saying you're insulting him.

Stavro Mueller

In certain browsers (Chrome for example), if you bookmark a page and start typing in its address bar, the bookmarked address will show up. Maybe the browser synced with his old computer and kept usernames/passwords in its autofill? Just throwing that out there as a (improbable) theory.

On the other hand, it would seem that you don't trust him any more. I don't blame you seeing as he has previous when it comes to cheating. I get the impression you don't believe him and that in itself is a reason why this relationship's probably on its way out. He's not very bright if he's not clearing his internet history out so maybe you'll catch him yet. That is, if you've not decided to finish things.

stargazer 68

Stavro Mueller wrote: »

In certain browsers (Chrome for example), if you bookmark a page and start typing in its address bar, the bookmarked address will show up. Maybe the browser synced with his old computer and kept usernames/passwords in its autofill? Just throwing that out there as a (improbable) theory.

.

Yes it could do however it can't change your location on a dating site. You have to manually enter that type of detail. Sorry OP

Stavro Mueller

Dovies wrote: »

Yes it could do however it can't change your location on a dating site. You have to manually enter that type of detail. Sorry OP

I've not used dating sites so I'm not au fait with that part. But what you're saying makes sense. Sometimes I log onto websites and they say my location is a town 30 miles away.

Anyway OP I think you know the answer to this one.

Augme

Next time you see him ask him if it would be alright to log-in to the profile so you could look at his inbox/sent messages. Make sure it's done there and then and he doesn't stall. However the risk with this is that he might be the one to break-up with you but it's probably a risk worth taking.

Stavro Mueller

Augme wrote: »

Next time you see him ask him if it would be alright to log-in to the profile so you could look at his inbox/sent messages. Make sure it's done there and then and he doesn't stall. However the risk with this is that he might be the one to break-up with you but it's probably a risk worth taking.

If the guy has any common sense at all his mailboxes have long since been cleaned out.

mandysoup

Wow, thanks for all the responses. Unfortunately, in the midst of anger and confusion, I asked him to delete the profile, which he did so promptly. Only after I realized this was a huge mistake, as I could have done some of the above suggestions. I did see, however, that the last log-in date was stated as ''more than 6 months ago,'' which I'm not sure is a good or a bad thing. Obviously he hasn't logged in for awhile, but also like I mentioned, we moved to Ireland about 8ish months ago, meaning perhaps he changed it when we first came. I was also out of the country for two weeks around that time dealing with things at our old home.

I tried to e-mail the website again and ask if they had any access to data such as log-in details, but unfortunately, since it was deleted that's a no-go. Also now, conveniently, our laptop died and I have no chance of trying to go through the web history's data, either.

Basically, I am left with the facts that I saw on the website versus his word. At the moment I go through waves of thinking ''there's no way he would be seeking other women, we have such a great relationship and we're always together, and what about our recent talks of kids and marriage?'' and then ''how can I be so stupid? of course he had to change it to Dublin! That's the only logical solution!''

For the record, I've never seriously doubted his trust before. I've had little thoughts pop up after I found out about his past cheating, but he's never done anything to show me that there may be someone else or interest in someone else.

mandysoup

Wow, thanks for all the responses. Unfortunately, in the midst of anger and confusion, I asked him to delete the profile, which he did so promptly. Only after I realized this was a huge mistake, as I could have done some of the above suggestions. I did see, however, that the last log-in date was stated as ''more than 6 months ago,'' which I'm not sure is a good or a bad thing. Obviously he hasn't logged in for awhile, but also like I mentioned, we moved to Ireland about 8ish months ago, meaning perhaps he changed it when we first came. I was also out of the country for two weeks around that time dealing with things at our old home.

I tried to e-mail the website again and ask if they had any access to data such as log-in details, but unfortunately, since it was deleted that's a no-go. Also now, conveniently, our laptop died and I have no chance of trying to go through the web history's data, either.

Basically, I am left with the facts that I saw on the website versus his word. At the moment I go through waves of thinking ''there's no way he would be seeking other women, we have such a great relationship and we're always together, and what about our recent talks of kids and marriage?'' and then ''how can I be so stupid? of course he had to change it to Dublin! That's the only logical explanation!''

For the record, I've never seriously doubted his trust before. I've had little thoughts pop up after I found out about his past cheating, but he's never done anything to show me that there may be someone else or interest in someone else.

skallywag

mandysoup wrote: »

I tried to e-mail the website again and ask if they had any access to data such as log-in details, but unfortunately, since it was deleted that's a no-go

In any case OP I really can't see how any such website is going to hand out such details about a user to someone else who happens to ask?

pookie82

mandysoup wrote: »

Wow, thanks for all the responses. Unfortunately, in the midst of anger and confusion, I asked him to delete the profile, which he did so promptly. Only after I realized this was a huge mistake, as I could have done some of the above suggestions. I did see, however, that the last log-in date was stated as ''more than 6 months ago,'' which I'm not sure is a good or a bad thing. Obviously he hasn't logged in for awhile, but also like I mentioned, we moved to Ireland about 8ish months ago, meaning perhaps he changed it when we first came. I was also out of the country for two weeks around that time dealing with things at our old home.

I tried to e-mail the website again and ask if they had any access to data such as log-in details, but unfortunately, since it was deleted that's a no-go. Also now, conveniently, our laptop died and I have no chance of trying to go through the web history's data, either.

Basically, I am left with the facts that I saw on the website versus his word. At the moment I go through waves of thinking ''there's no way he would be seeking other women, we have such a great relationship and we're always together, and what about our recent talks of kids and marriage?'' and then ''how can I be so stupid? of course he had to change it to Dublin! That's the only logical solution!''

For the record, I've never seriously doubted his trust before. I've had little thoughts pop up after I found out about his past cheating, but he's never done anything to show me that there may be someone else or interest in someone else.

Given you made him delete the profile AND your laptop has died, the chance to prove (or disprove) anything really has disappeared.

In light of that, you have to decide yourself whether to believe him or not, completely based on your gut.

If it did say his last login was "more than 6 months ago" that's positive I suppose, but it could mean that in those few weeks before you followed him home he logged in, changed his location and had a look at what was around in that time...

But I don't see how you'll be able to prove anything now really

TheBeardedLady

Not au fait with dating sites, OP, but is there any chance he could've mistaken the location with where he's from? Are there two separate spaces for location and where you're from on the profile page?

ahnow

Not a nice situation to be in, but why does he have a dating profile at all?
I know for myself once I get in a relationship with someone I delete it, even just out of respect for the other person.

tinz18

OP is your boyfriend originally from Dublin or somewhere near there? Just wondering because if that's the case then maybe he actually set it up years ago. Some dating sites can record years of inactivity as over six months ago... I may be totally wrong especially if he's not from Ireland but tbh it was the first thing that came into my head when I read your posts.

tinz18

ahnow wrote:

Not a nice situation to be in, but why does he have a dating profile at all? I know for myself once I get in a relationship with someone I delete it, even just out of respect for the other person.

Depends on the relationship I spose. I met my boyfriend two years ago on pof. I didn't think to delete it until a few months ago and his is still there somewhere because a) he's a fatalist and if in the unlikely future I leave him he'll have to make up a profile again (which I imagine is time consuming for a severe dyslexic) and b) he'd have to remember the password and email he used for the account. I have no issue with it as there's no identifiers and we're still happy out.

strobe

tinz18 wrote: »

OP is your boyfriend originally from Dublin or somewhere near there? Just wondering because if that's the case then maybe he actually set it up years ago. Some dating sites can record years of inactivity as over six months ago... I may be totally wrong especially if he's not from Ireland but tbh it was the first thing that came into my head when I read your posts.

That was the first thing that came to mind for me too. But one would presume if that was the case that then when asked why the location said Dublin he would have immediately been able to say, "well it was when I was originally living in Dublin that I set it up, obviously", not "I'm as confused as you are"...

Mick Murdock

I think your suspicion of him using it since he moved here is correct.. more than 6 months generally means between 6 months and a year ago.

By typing in his email address I guess you mean you were able to log in to his account? There is no way to search somebody's email address on a dating site afaik. Seems like you were suspicious..

He's guilty I'm afraid.

Good luck.

osarusan

tinz18 wrote: »

OP is your boyfriend originally from Dublin or somewhere near there? Just wondering because if that's the case then maybe he actually set it up years ago. Some dating sites can record years of inactivity as over six months ago... I may be totally wrong especially if he's not from Ireland but tbh it was the first thing that came into my head when I read your posts.

This is possible - the location has always been Dublin, ever since he set it up, but he hasn't looked at it for so long he's forgotten?

As mentioned, if it's still nagging you, you might try to find out just how many time periods there are for the 'last log in was...' info.

If he really hasn't logged in for years, will it say 'last log in was more than 1/3/5 years ago' or will it still say 'more than 6 months ago'?

Gongoozler

From what I remember it will say more than six months if it's between six months and one year, and it'll say me than one year after that.

Wompa1

If it was POF it took me a while to figure out how to delete my profile. I had mine set as private or whatever for a while. Got frustrated and gave up trying to delete it. Have since gone back and deleted it, it did take some doing!

DeclanJWhite

When you were looking for your friend's blog and saw an option for a dating site, why did it cross your mind that you must check it in case your partner is on it? That seems to me to be the question.

He sees how concerned you are, and trust is the biggest concern. Should he not be extremely concerned with your concern and be going above and beyond to removing your doubt, instead of batting it away as being dramatic? But shaken trust is high drama.