my friend may be duped

LegacyUser

I don't know whether to continue trying to convince her, prying for details, or just leave it now and mind my own business.

I have a friend who would be very naive. She met a man on a dating site, they've been dating for a year and a half. In that time she didn't once meet any of his friends and family, or visit him where he lives. He has stayed with her and her parents on occasion.

Early in the relationship he moved to Canada for work. He'd come home every three months and take her away for weekends. He always promised to bring her to meet his family but it never happened. There was always some excuse. Evetually his visa in Canada was up, and he moved bacckk toireland. They spent a week together, again travelling and staying in hotels, then suddenly, he moved to England for work. She was supposed to go stay with him in England for his birthday, but he came home instead, and they went on another weekend away. Christmas this year was more of the same.

Things are not adding up in my head and I have a horrible feeling about the way she is being led along. I might be totally wrong and he might genuinely be working abroad, and things might not be working out for her to meet his family. But in reality after all this time, surely I wouldn't be the only one thinking there is something wrong.

I've said it to my friend but she wont hear any of it. In fact we fought about it. I tend to try to look after her because she's so easily led and easily duped. But I have to now sit by and watch this happen to her, again, as I did when we were teenagers. I don't know whether to keep pushing the issue or to let it go and mind my own business. I just feel like she has so much to offer and is wasting her time on this guy who is most likely married and messing her around.

m'lady

I agree that it all sounds very suspicious.
However you've already expressed your concerns so there's nothing more you can do except be there for her if it all falls down around her which it more that likely will. If you keep bringing it up she will stop talking/confiding in you and the friendship will come to a sorry end.. It's hard but you have tried.

K_P

I agree with m'lady. It sounds dodgy as hell but you've raised your concerns and you weren't exactly thanked for it. It's not easy standing by and seeing a friend wasting her time on a guy who's almost certainly lying to her. But if you want to keep the friendship, it looks like that's what you'll have to do.

dudara

I suppose some questions that come to mind are (1) Does he have living family or family that he is close to and (2) Does he have a home in Ireland given that he appears to work abroad.

TBH, it is a little odd (he could be married for instance), but you've already said your bit. I don't see what more you can do at this point. I hope that you didn't tell her that you think she's easily duped/led.

Stavro Mueller

m'lady wrote: »

If you keep bringing it up she will stop talking/confiding in you and the friendship will come to a sorry end.. It's hard but you have tried.

I can understand your frustration and concern but as the others have said, she's not going to want to hear what you have to say on this. For now I think the best course of action is to bite your tongue and say nothing. Play the longer game. There may be a time when she needs a friend and it'd be great if you were someone she felt she could turn to.

Big Bag of Chips

Hard as it is to keep your mouth shut, that's exactly what you have to do now. Nobody likes having the obvious pointed out to them. I'm sure between them they have discussed their families. Maybe he has given her reasons for not meeting his. Maybe she doesn't quite believe them herself but doesn't want to not believe them either...

One thing that stood out from your post is you mention it being like when you were teenagers. Be careful that you don't come across as the all knowing, all wise friend, who has to take care of the poor vulnerable idiot friend who can't take care of herself. It's good to look out for friends and be there when they need you... Being there with advice and opinion when they don't feel they need you can just lead to resentment in a friendship. You are not her minder. She doesn't want you minding her. She has to make her own mistakes and then come to you for support and advice.

If she is loved up, she's not going to want to hear you putting a dampner on it. If she is loved up but is a bit wary of some of his stories then she's not going to want you telling her he's dodgy. Best advice is stay out if it unless asked.

And be careful of treating her like a hapless eejit. She's an adult capable and entitled to make her own decisions, and mistakes.

Neyite

Hmmm... I dated someone like this in my twenties. After 4 months of either my house or hotels, I started to wonder, spoke to him, gave it another 6 weeks to give him the chance to invite me to stay at his house or go on a night out with his friends, but despite his protests that he wasn't hiding a wife or girlfriend he didn't invite me home, even for a cuppa, so I ended it. And I was kicking myself for letting it get to almost 6 months.

Could it be possible that she is well suspicious of a girlfriend or wife in the background or even knows there is one, but is saying nothing to you because she knows what the advice would be? I had a friend who did similar, and when we started saying it was odd that he never invited her home etc, and warned her to check that he was married, it turns out she already knew from early on he had a wife and kids but didn't tell us. We only found out when the wife left her an irate voicemail and when she called him upset about it, he coldly dumped her pronto, telling her never to contact him again or he'd do her for harassment.

Tokyo

concernedfriend wrote: »

I've said it to my friend but she wont hear any of it. In fact we fought about it. I tend to try to look after her because she's so easily led and easily duped. But I have to now sit by and watch this happen to her, again, as I did when we were teenagers. I don't know whether to keep pushing the issue or to let it go and mind my own business. I just feel like she has so much to offer and is wasting her time on this guy who is most likely married and messing her around.

For me, this is the part that stands out the most. In all of this, there reads to be a certain element of you knowing best, where you see your friend as the hapless fool who needs to be handheld all the time, a dynamic that has existed since you were both teenagers. To be blunt, it's not your role to pick and choose which men you feel live up to the standard of what you think she 'has to offer'.

Your friend is an adult, and therefore capable of making her own decisions, and mistakes. You've expressed your concerns to her, as any friend should. But that's where it ends. Any more intervention on your part because you know best, is intrusive, and I can understand why this may have been a factor in you both arguing over it. You may have to be there to help pick up the pieces should your suspicions prove to be true, and bite your tongue on the I-told-you-so's, but that's what friends do too.

Big Bag of Chips

Neyite makes a very valid point... You think he's probably married. She may know he's married and doesn't want you lecturing her on the mess her life is! I know you mean well, but she won't want to hear it. And if/when it all falls apart she won't want to hear it then either. Just be a friend, listen when needed, offer advice if asked.

Rubberchikken

she's an adult. you sound like a good friend and concerned for your friend's welfare, but you have to let it go.
if it's turns out that he is duping her, be there en she gets hurt. she'll need a good friend then.

hopefully he's not, but i realise it doesn't look good.

best of luck

strobe

I'd agree, you've said your piece, voiced your concerns, now drop it or you're seriously over-stepping a line.

Tbh I think it could be completely innocent. For starters it sounds like for most of the relationship he'd have no permanent residence in Ireland if he's working abroad so much, and it wouldn't make sense for him to. He moved to Canada early in the relationship, and when he came back to visit every three months for a weekend, the options were either they go away or he stays at hers, he was hardly going to pay rent on an apartment he would only be in one weekend every three months... He got the job in England one week after returning home, again what 'where he lives' was he going to bring her to visit? He wouldn't have had one. So, on his birthday, he came back to Ireland again to see her and they spent the week travelling and having fun.

You seem fixated on the fact she hasn't joined in on his steady Irish life, he hasn't had one beyond 'early in the relationship', when it would be perfectly understandable that he hadn't introduced her to his parents or his friends.

That may not be the case, he could be married with 6 kids and leading a double life while leading your friend on a merry dance. But it's by no means at all as sure cut as you seem to think it is, at all. What if you're wrong, which you well could be and you're constantly sticking your oar in badmouthing the guy and telling her to leave him?

You've raised your concerns, you may be right in your suspicions or you may be wrong, now drop it, it's her life and her choice.

Mr. Incognito

It would take ten seconds to find out- LinkedIn? Facebook? The guy surely has an online presence.

Also- when she rings him does it go to a foreign ring tone or is it from a blocked number and he is always ringing her.

In a year and a bit it would be easy enough to find out unless she is super-thick.

Taltos

Mod Note:
Please dial it back a bit Mr. Incognito. No need to be quite so rude about the friend here.
Remember, per our charter the focus is on constructive advice and offered with civility.

Thanks
Taltos

Mr. Incognito

Sorry. That may have come across harsh.

Either she wants to be duped or she is very gullible.

Or, alternatively maybe he is telling the truth and his family are heroin addicts or he is from a background that may be dysfunctional.

skooterblue2

Mr. Incognito wrote: »

It would take ten seconds to find out- LinkedIn? Facebook? The guy surely has an online presence.

Six Degrees of seperation. Someone somewhere else knows him. Check out his old stomping grounds. Honestly ...... too fragmented for me too

LegacyUser

OP here. Thanks everyone, you're all right, I had my say now I should just sit back; and be there completely nonjudgmental if it does all fly in her face.

To answer other queries in this thread - I don't believe that he did move abroad at all. There was no phone contact, they "emailed" each other, only through the same dating site they met on. When he moved to England, he sent a gift, I thought great, we'll see the stamp, right? The gift got damaged and returned to him. They are not friends on Facebook because "the social welfare might find out". I noticed a good friend of mine is friends with his cousin - I asked her about them. They are certainly not a family of sociopaths or anything like it.

My friend is an adult and I have to respect her decision in this. I don't want to come across as controlling or full of myself but she did go through special education, while I love her to bits and she'll always be my friend, she's very naive and always will be. I hate to see her taken for a ride and that's exactly what appears to be happening here. She's so besotted with him, too. I keep trying to think the best, and thinking I'm just being paranoid, but really... nothing points to the best. They've been together a year and a half now.

I guess I just have to sit back and let it unfold, though it's killing me.

skooterblue2

concernedfriend wrote: »

OP here. Thanks everyone, you're all right, I had my say now I should just sit back; and be there completely nonjudgmental if it does all fly in her face.

To answer other queries in this thread - I don't believe that he did move abroad at all. There was no phone contact, they "emailed" each other, only through the same dating site they met on. When he moved to England, he sent a gift, I thought great, we'll see the stamp, right? The gift got damaged and returned to him. They are not friends on Facebook because "the social welfare might find out". I noticed a good friend of mine is friends with his cousin - I asked her about them. They are certainly not a family of sociopaths or anything like it.

My friend is an adult and I have to respect her decision in this. I don't want to come across as controlling or full of myself but she did go through special education, while I love her to bits and she'll always be my friend, she's very naive and always will be. I hate to see her taken for a ride and that's exactly what appears to be happening here. She's so besotted with him, too. I keep trying to think the best, and thinking I'm just being paranoid, but really... nothing points to the best. They've been together a year and a half now.

I guess I just have to sit back and let it unfold, though it's killing me.

I never heard so much rubbish in all my life... any guy who lives in fear of the Social welfare finding out is either full of it or a complete waster. I know this is killing you OP and your oor friend really sounds decent. Its like watching a train wreck in slow motion. All I can say is she is going to need a great friend like you when it does happen

Stavro Mueller

I mean the next bit in the nicest possible way so I hope I don't offend anyone. What makes it worse is that if she went through the special education system, she knows she's a little different. Perhaps has found it harder to meet someone and knows it. Now that she is with this guy, she's just like everyone else so that's giving her confidence and a status. I really feel for you, OP. I think even if you found evidence that blew this guy's nonsense out of the water she'd not thank you..

Big Bag of Chips

Apart from not meeting his family is there anything about his behaviour towards her that is concerning you? Is he financially taking advantage of her? You mention going away on weekends.. who is paying? I know you feel protective of her, but and again I mean this in the nicest possible way, she has gone through the special education system... but that doesn't mean she's a complete eejit either. Maybe you should give her a little more credit. I know a few different people who although may be considered by others as "a bit slow", aren't as foolish as some might think.

Have her family raised concerns? Again, I know you are looking out for her, but maybe she knows something that you don't? Either way, you can't follow her around match making on her behalf. She may not care if he is married or not... so long as he treats her well. You may not agree eith her choices but you have to allow her to live her life. She's an adult, she may well get hurt in life, but don't we all! You can advise but you can't shield her from everything.

power pants

I think you are right to be concerned op. Unfortunately there is not really much else you can do now that you have mentioned your concerns to your friend.

Just have to be there for her when it all goes wrong

As for the special school, of course this makes a difference to how op is looking to her friend. she is clearly a vulnerable individual. You don't go to special school for little or no reason

Big Bag of Chips

power pants wrote: »

she is clearly a vulnerable individual. You don't go to special school for little or no reason

2 friends of mine went to a "special school". One of them has a hearing aid... That's it. That's the only thing "wrong" with him. But before they figured out he was hard of hearing he had fallen behind in mainstream school. He's married and is a very capable father.

Another friend went to a "special school" and holds down a full time job has a house and is engaged to be married. The wedding is this year. Yes, she's slightly different, obviously has some very very mild learning difficulty, but she is a fully functioning adult.

I think depending on the age the person is now it is very possible to have been sent to a special school for little or no reason. If your friend was in school now, do you think she would be in mainstream school? Maybe with, or even without an SNA?

I just think if this girl is allowed by her family to go away for weekends with her boyfriend then maybe she's more capable than you give her credit for, OP. I completely understand you being worried for her, and if it was my friend I'd be the same. But there's only so much you can do and advise before it becomes patronising.

meeeeh

I know a girl who school wanted to send to a "special school" because she was falling behind. The family sent her to different psychologists and experts. It turned out she has dyslexia, she finished her schooling, went on to university and was then teaching or still teaches at the same school that wanted to move her to special program when she was a pupil.

I know a perfectly capable individual with an above average IQ who was majorly duped by a guy and was acting like a complete gob****e. It was myself. Thank god everyone around me had the decency of keeping their worries to themselves, maybe approaching them very gently and just looking out for me and supporting me when I came to my senses. As long as your friend sticks to birth control and doesn't get financially involved or majorly involved in some other way, she should be ok. We all act like idiots from time to time but I think sometimes it is better if we come to realization on our own therms.

RDM_83 again

concernedfriend wrote: »

They are not friends on Facebook because "the social welfare might find out".

Ok if there is no hint of them living together it really doesn't matter, that is what social welfare care about.
If he's very paranoid he might justify not adding her as linked in his relationship status on Facebook.
But there is literally no reason in relation to this even if he is paranoid or gaming the system why she shouldn't be friends (not linked by relationship status) with him on Facebook.
In short IMO your 99% likely to be right - but I am sure you know that anyway

Miaireland

It sounds like you are right in what you are thinking but there is very little you can do other than being there for your friend if it all goes wrong.

Who is paying for all these trips away? Have you had a look at the dating site, is he contacting others rather than just your friend?