What to do next

HF4982

I have been going out with my boyfriend for 6 years. We have a good relationship, we are able to talk to each other, have fun, we are in love and generally things are good.

The problem is that I have sat down with him and talked to him about moving in together and making a bigger commitment to each other. I've tried talking to him, with proper sit down talks and less formal talks for nearly a year. When we talk about this topic, he maintains that he doesnt want anything to change, he likes the way things are. As it stands, and has always been, we usually just see each other once or twice a week and often we can go 2-3 weeks without staying over with each other. He's very busy and we both have separate lives.

I would like more, I love him very much and I think we make a good team. He says the same about me. I dont want our relationship to end and I would hope that I've impressed on him in a calm and adult way what I want in the future. I know he's clear about that as we have talked a lot about it. (There were no fights or sulking when we did talk) Part of me understands that hes not ready. He doesnt have any extra time in his schedule to see me either, I have suggested in the past that instead of moving in together, we see each other more...while he agreed to it, it couldnt happen because hes busy all the time.

About 2 years ago he did agree to move in with me on a trial. I cleared out some space for his things but he didnt move in and decided it wasnt the right time as he was too busy and my place was too small (it is very small). The whole trial live in was canned.

To be honest he has been like this since we met, hes been very honest with me about what he wants from a relationship (He does his own thing, I'm rarely invited along), and I guess I've hung in hoping that things would grow organically and because I care about him so much. But time is marching on and now I find myself 6 years down the track, I'm getting older and older (late 30's) and I would like to build a home and a family. I feel that my chance of having a family is coming to an end because of my age and my chances of building a home and a partnership in a loving and supporting relationship is just not going to happen.

I know most people will say, leave....That makes the most sense but I'm interested to hear what people think. I already know that hes not going to change.

LegacyUser

OP, when I read your post I immediately assumed that you were both in your late 20's.
Got a bit of a land to read that you're in your late 30's- totally different story.
I know females mature (psychologically) faster than males, but you have to face the fact that your bf is a fully fledged adult, he knows what you want, & more crucially he knows what he wants. That isn't committment, it isn't moving in together, it isn't marriage, it isn't children. You've spent a year having "the conversation", pointless flogging a dead horse any longer. He simply doesn't want you to play a bigger (or even a big, full stop) role in his life. Leave! Put some value on yourself, girl!

LegacyUser

Listen to what he's staying very very carefully & *believe* what he's saying too.
(Curious to know what sort of job or social life can keep him so busy that ye can go for 2-3weeks at a time without meeting properly?)

Ann84

I'm sorry op but the first thing that sprung to my mind reading your post was, if he loved and cared for you...
Why has he wasted the last 6 years (of your limited fertile life!) with you knowing you want to settle down and have kids?

And in the same breadth, why did you wait so long to realise this?

tink2

Hi I went out with my ex for 8 years, we did move in together for a year but I wanted for a very long time to get married. Unlike your boyfriend he never levelled with me. I think he was happy with the relationship but wasn't convinced about marriage & kids. I ended up feeling miserable and overweight. I ended up breaking up with him at age 30 as I couldn't stay in a relationship that made me doubt my self worth. I'm now 34, married to a wonderful man & expecting a baby. It hasn't been an easy journey but my god has it been worth it! You deserve a fella who wants to wake up with you every morning, travel the world with you & give you everything you want. I hope it works out for you OP

strandroad

You're dating, that's all, dating for 6 years. It's fine if you're 25, but if you're in late 30s and would like to have a family, he won't give it to you by dating you once a week.
Time to move on (or spell ot out to him first if you'd like).

HF4982

He works full time, nothing major, 9-5 desk job.... He has something on most night be it sports, gigs, catch up with friends and his other hobbies. It was so bad that we now schedule our time together. We rarely would spend a full day and evening together, I cant remember the last time that happened.

Well while he says hes happy to have things stay the same, he does talk about our future children and "in the future when we live together"...but this future is very very far away in his future. When it comes to putting the steps in place to create that future, he doesnt want to. I think he still thinks he's 21...

I've talked to him that I have probably have another 2-3 years to have children and thats it...he thinks I'm being over the top and he knows of plenty of women who had children in their 40's.... he doesnt understand or takes seriously the risks of having children later for the baby. If I hit my 40's without having kids, I dont think I would risk it.

Why have I waited so long...its a good question. I love him, I never thought that I'd be 6 years into this and basically living like a single woman ...I told myself that it would happen when it was suppose to happen, that this is how relationships are. But it hasnt and doesnt sit well with me and the entire thing makes me feel very upset for the past number of years. I've lost my confidence and I feel I'd be better out of this and really single rather than this lonely relationship

strandroad

There's nothing there for you really. It's one thing not to want children while living together, but another not to want to be with you at all. Imagine yourself at 55, waiting for your scheduled weekle date, hoping that he won't find a gig to be more important than you...

MagicMarker

Op this guy is not going to give you what you want and frankly you don't have the luxury of time.

You know what you need to do here.

NewYork1979

Really sorry OP but as someone already said you need to really hear and feel what he is doing and saying. It sounds like bad dating to be honest where he calls the shots. I too was shocked when I read your age bracket, it sounds like early 20's stuff.

Ask yourself what you want and need and go from there.

Go before you are ground down so much that you don't know yourself anymore.

Really really sorry that you find yourself in this situation.

HF4982

Thanks all, I do know what I need to do....I just second guess myself

I know its just a bad situation I have put myself in.....You wouldnt believe the things that have gone down. I cry when I think about whats happened and how bad I feel about myself. I started therapy about 6 months because I feel so down. I feel down about what I've allowed to happen to myself.

To put some of this into content, I was married before but it didnt work out, I entered into this relationship a very sad person when I should have been taking care of myself. I was in my early 30's then and I figured that this was all I deserved. My ex husband was sleeping with another lady and he found out he was expecting a baby with her while we were still married, he was also very abusive so I left.

Stavro Mueller

It's easy for us to advise from behind a keyboard - none of us is going out with him or loves him. It's telling that this relationship hasn't brought you the happiness you deserve. Actions speak louder than words and I'm afraid I can't see your boyfriend changing. I'm sure he likes you well enough but I think the writing was on the wall when he backed out of moving in with you. He's suiting himself here - he seems to enjoy having a part-time girlfriend along with time with the lads etc and I'd say he's set in his ways at this stage.

LegacyUser

At this stage I would end this so called relationship as it is going no where. Your boyfriend has you available when it suits him. Things are so bad now that you have to plan when he can meet you. If he was working long hours as ie a junior doctor and studying for medical exams I could understand but he works normal hours. I presume that he is around your age late 30's so he should be ready to move on to the next stage of his life ie spending time with his girlfriend and making proper long term plans.

I would then say the following to him.
I am ending things you as I can't wait any longer for you to grow up. You refused to move in with me 2 years ago. I have spent the last year trying to make long term plans with you but you are not willing to make changes to keep me in your life.
You know that I want a family but you seem to think I have years more to wait for you to decide that you want children. I am not wasting any more time with you.

You left a bad relationship in the past which was not easy to do. You need to remember that unless you value yourself no one else will. I know a number of woman in your position and ended relationships that were going no where - they wanted marriage/children when he had no interest/kept promising her soon ect. These woman went on to met men that wanted marriage and children.

Dixie Chick

Time passes so quickly you see that 6 years can just disappear. He doesn't sound like a bad person, just selfish I suppose. I think you need to decide what way you want to move forward, its not like you have not been straight with him in telling him what you want.

tinkerbell

Oh OP, your post makes for very sad reading and I was shocked when I read that you are in your late 30s. You say you've tried to have the conversation for a year now. Well time to be blunt with him. Talk to him one last time and then either things change, or you leave. I don't buy this rubbish of him being "so busy". You'd swear he was working offshore with this whole lack of time to see you but he's only in a 9-5 job! If he wanted to spend time with you, he would make time not go 2/3 weeks without seeing you.

You just don't seem to be high up on his priority list so if things don't change, leave. If you want children you don't have even more time to waste. You have already wasted 6 years on him treating you like a casual girlfriend.

pookie82

mhge wrote: »

You're dating, that's all, dating for 6 years.

This nails it, in a nutshell. You call him a "boyfriend" of 6 years but to be honest I actually think even that is a stretch. He's someone you've been no more than effectively "dating" for an extortionately unreasonable amount of time now.

He's having his cake and eating it. The comfort and reliability of knowing he has a gf without any of the responsibilities of giving her time or making serious plans with her. Whatever about future plans, he doesn't even seem interested in spending much time with you at all? I don't mean that to sound as harsh as it does, but you need to really think about that.

6 years in, if a guy lets weeks go by without making time to see me (in a 9-5 job with his "hobbies" being the distraction), and I never even got 24 hours in his presence, I can't imagine how I could envisage ever moving forward with him.

I think ultimately you need to make your age decide for you. It's very easy for him to parrot instances of women who've had children in their 40s. Has he considered or bothered to research the risks of having your FIRST in your 40s? Has he considered that perhaps you'd like to be a young mother? Babies zap all of your time and energy until at least they're in school... does he want you to run around after a toddler at 46?

He needs to cop on but it doesn't sound like he will. I wouldn't even give him one last ultimatum. You've said yourself you've spent a year setting out your position now, if that hasn't swayed him, nothing will.

It's very easy for us to say "leave him and be done with it"... obviously it will take guts and courage and there'll be heartache. But surely that's better in the long run than seeing a bf once every 3 weeks and waiting into eternity for him to grow up.

giggle84

I hate to say this, but from experience of friends in a similar position, the reason the guy wouldn't move in was because he was either seeing someone else, or regularly cheated on nights out and knew it'd be harder to get away with that of he lived with the girlfriend.

Certainly not always the case, just something I've witnessed myself on a few occasions.

Assuming this is not the situation here, he is still suiting himself. Maybe if he's at risk of losing you OP he'll change his tune.

HF4982

All, thanks for all your help, I found your thoughts very helpful and reassuring.....

We broke up over the weekend. It was a very hard thing to do, but it feels like the right thing for me. I thought I would be much sadder and upset but I'm not, I feel like a weight has been lifted from me. I've wanted out for so long, I've felt that my needs were always just pushed to one side and that I wasnt worth anything more. I just kept thinking that things would change, or that I wasnt thinking straight or the problems were all me.

I'm going to spend the next few months working with my therapist to rebuild my self esteem and hopefully I can meet someone who wants the same things I do. I know I have probably left it too late to have a family, and I'm ok with this. I'd be sad but I'd accept it.

Thank you.

I'm sorry that you're going through this OP, but you seem very strong and as you say, it's for the best. You deserve someone who wants to move the relationship forward and who is as committed to you as you are to him.

You may have days when you do feel upset and that's ok, it's completely normal to grieve the end of a long term relationship. But you seem to be in a positive frame of mind which is fantastic.

My ex of 7 years broke up with me a few months back because he wouldn't commit (even though he told my friends that he was planning to propose). So I know how it really damages your self esteem, always wondering why he's holding back. The truth is that the issues were his, not yours.

meeeeh

HF4982 wrote: »

I'm going to spend the next few months working with my therapist to rebuild my self esteem and hopefully I can meet someone who wants the same things I do. I know I have probably left it too late to have a family, and I'm ok with this. I'd be sad but I'd accept it.

Thank you.

You don't know that. I think you dodged the bullet. Even if he would move in and you would have kids I am pretty sure that everything else and everybody else would be a priority. You avoided being single mother in a relationship. Good luck.

NewYork1979

OP I hope you are ok. You did the right thing for YOU, this is the first day of building yourself back up and you are doing that for you, it's very empowering and be very proud of yourself. Look forward now and take great heart from the fact that you are doing your therapy for yourself and you will heal. Don't beat yourself up about how long you were with him, we all have our path, I know myself I wasted a few years on someone but hindsight is great.

Wishing you every health and happiness.

HiGlo

I'm sorry to hear that things didn't work out for you. I think it's definitely the right move. As one poster said, you were literally just dating, for 6 years.

May I be a bit cheeky and ask how he reacted to the break up? Was he shocked? Devestated? Resolute? Agreeable?
Just curious.

HF4982

He was shocked initially, he thinks I'm making a terrible mistake, he told me I was crazy. Then he became angry and defensive and he took some cheap digs at me, at that point there wasnt anything else to add to the conversation so he left.

I'm doing ok for the most part. I thought I would be much worse but I do feel a sense of relief that my life is back in my own hands. For a long time I felt I was being pulled along in something that I knew was not for me. I will miss him but post break up, my life hasnt changed all that much, I still live alone...all that I've lost is a single scheduled date once a week. Thats not a big adjustment for me.