Scared, worried and don't know what to do.

scaredworried

I have an older brother, in his early 30's, who is an absolute nightmare to deal with. He has lived at home all his life, his reasoning being for that is that he is taking care of the farm. This would be a valid reason only for that my mother aged 65 along with the help of the neighbours do the vast majority of the work on the farm most of the time. I have lived out of home for the best part of ten years, only moving back after finishing college until I found a job and saved up to move out again. I have recently returned home from abroad but I am leaving again this month I hope!

I can't deal with this house anymore. The only thing is I feel terrible leaving my ageing mother here with her monster son.

He is violent, aggressive, always making excuses, throws tantrums if he is asked to do something small. Just the other night he threw a cup of tea on the floor because the circuit breakers tripped in the house and I just said 'wonder what caused that'. If I say anything to him about doing something for mum or helping out he roars and becomes extremely violent and aggressive. He expects everything to be done for him also from his dinner being on the table to his clothes taken out of the hotpress.

He bites his finger aggressively and thumps his head with his other fist for the most minor things. He seems to take everything as an attack on him even if you're only asking him to do a simple thing. He has been told on countless occasions to seek help. Not only from his family but also from the guards after various violent altercations involving myself and my mother. I was close to pressing charges but my mother talked me out of it, after his attempt to strangle me several years ago
I went to the guards and had photos taking of the marks on my neck but did not make a formal statement. He was made aware that the photos had been taken and I would press charges if there was any more violence. This seemed to keep him in check for quite a while.

In the past couple of days he seems to be in an absolutely foul humour. Set off by anything. I am quite scared to be honest. I just want to get away. I feel bad for my mother but I'm tired telling her to stop feeding his behaviour by giving into his every demand. He is at college, which I can't fault him for, but it seems he can't deal with any pressure or stress. He leaves his assignments to the last minute and then if mum asks him to do anything on the farm or even bring in some coal he completely flips and roars that he has college work due.

This situation is absolutely unbearable. I'm not sure why I'm writing this, I suppose I need to get it out more than anything. If anyone else has ever been in a similar situation any advice would be really appreciated. How do you help someone who doesn't want to be helped? Do you just tread on eggshells and do everything to keep the peace like my mother has done for years. It's that or deal with violence and aggression.

In ways it pains me to leave home again, I will miss my mother but I can't stay. There are limited jobs here for a start and I know I probably aggravate the situation but only because I stand up for myself and my mother. I know the day will come when she won't be here and I don't want to be left here to deal with him after she passes. I do pray that's not for a long time. I feel really guilty going again actually, she has worked hard to give us the best in life and she has worked too hard to be treated like this by her own son. I'm really just at a loss and don't know where to turn now or what to do. I am scared he will react violently again in the coming days. Sorry for the long post also.

Wabbit Ears

There are no wins in this situation. All you can do is move out as neither your brother or mother are going to change.

Rubberchikken

is he violent/aggressive towards your mother? do you think she is in any danger?

chances are she goes along with doing things for him for an easy life. i'm not excusing his behaviour but he may be unwell. do you know if he's ever spoken to his gp? or if your mother has?

tbh it doesn't sound as if either of them are going to change now and maybe it's best that you're moving out.

keep in touch with your mother and try to keep things as calm as you can. she's fully aware of what he's like and as a mother that muct hurt and upset her at times.

take care.

scaredworried

Rubberchikken wrote: »

is he violent/aggressive towards your mother? do you think she is in any danger?

chances are she goes along with doing things for him for an easy life. i'm not excusing his behaviour but he may be unwell. do you know if he's ever spoken to his gp? or if your mother has?

tbh it doesn't sound as if either of them are going to change now and maybe it's best that you're moving out.

keep in touch with your mother and try to keep things as calm as you can. she's fully aware of what he's like and as a mother that muct hurt and upset her at times.

take care.

He hasn't been physically abusive for several years now. Not since the incidents started being reported to the guards, he stopped then. He has been in a foul humour the past few days so I'm hoping he will just calm down and not go back to his violent outbursts. It's just brought a lot of things flooding back to me.

I am pretty certain that he is unwell also! When things were really bad he was advised to go to counselling/anger management but he refused. He hasn't visited a GP and neither has my mother, that I'm aware. I will suggest it to her when I get far enough away and if his behaviour continues.

I'm not sure if living at home with your mother could have such an impact but then again nobody made him stay and assume responsibility of the farm. It was his choice, and when a couple of sites were sold (which he was aware of, we needed the money) he flipped about that afterwards and smashed the windows in one of houses subsequently built. He was obviously caught for this and confronted by the Guards again. He was lucky as the owners just wanted the windows replaced. Personally I would have pressed charges if someone did that to me I think. I could go on for days about the countless incidents over the years.

Thank you for replying, it helps just to get it out even as I don't really open up to my friends about my home life. I'm biding my time now to get away, as bad as that may sound. I made the mistake of coming back last time. I don't think I'll be making that mistake in a hurry again.