A thought ....

LegacyUser

Hi All,


So basically I'm reaching 30 and need some advice!

So I have barely any experience with men - never been in a relationship etc ...

I've tried all the usual online, joined groups, gym clubs. I would be quite outgoing and would talk to anyone.

i just don't think men in general find me dateable for whatever reason - maybe looks or jut not interesting enough. They tend to approach my friends but never me!

I talk to them however I wouldn't be one for trying it on or being upfront or ask right out for there number.

I have come to accept that I wont ever have this kind of relationship.

I just keep longing for one though. I would love to not feel like this as I am quite happy with my life besides this - good job, great friends and family.

I do believe the experience issue is what has and will always hold me back as its weird to be 30 and lacking experience.

Any advice on just accepting and being happy with single life and not long for relationships


Thanks in advance ...

LegacyUser

Have you reason to think it might be looks, like you mentioned? Because there is a huge amount you can do to improve your looks. Some people mention things like 'looks are a genetic lottery' or stuff like that. And it's absolute nonsense. If Jennifer Lawrence never exercised, ate bad food, wore ill fitting and unflattering clothes, made no effort with her hair and make-up, she would not be a sex symbol.

Are there improvements you could make in terms of your looks? Lose some weight/tone up a bit, different hairstyle/colour, wear nicer more flattering/feminine clothes, take a make-up lesson/ make more effort with it? Things of that nature? Looks aren't everything but they do give you a lot more options and make things a hell of a lot easier.

jimd2

Are there any men that you feel a connection to? Don't be afraid to ask a guy out yourself. You really have nothing to lose.

LegacyUser

Hi westernfront I am older but understand. Be cleaer 30 is not old you may be trying too hard and men tune into that seemingly. My daughter worries too but her 40 year old friend has just met the love of her life. Try to be happy in your own skin and be an independent woman men find that more atteactive. Easier said than done I know but realising too that there are nice guys out there guve them time to find you and don't put too much pressure on them they like the chase!!. Hope this helps

castaway_lady

Hi there,
I posted on here a couple of years ago with a similar situation, longterm single, fed-up etc. If you have a few hours to spare read
http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showt...php?p=80575087

LOTS of people replied publically and privately with advice, most of which I found reasons to dismiss or contradict. So I know how singledom can kidnap your mind inspite of having a good life otherwise.

There is hope of getting what you want. Im proof of that as I sit here in a relationship having recently turned 37. This time last year I was the exact opposite but Id just about dragged myself beyond the point of needing it to happen so salvage a mindset of "if this doesn't happen, which is looking likely now, my life still wont be crap" and that's the train of thought Id been working on as I focused on pursuing a 1 or 2 new things in life.

Firstly I had no social life, no regular Saturday nights out (maybe once/twice a year) so that was a non runner of an avenue. And I think too that if Id been out 50 Saturday nights in the year it would never have happened in that environment. In fact Ive discovered in recent months through chatting to people that most of them did not meet their partners in the pub lately. So what Im saying is don't get disillusioned at this. It doesn't seem to be an Irish norm anymore.

Don't get bogged down in looking for flaws and overthinking "whats wrong with me". Make your focus about making the best of what you have. That will be more than enough for someone.
In terms of finding that someone, online dating has a thousand flaws but it's often the best option. Its the one that worked for me. I quit online dating dozens of times and let experiences there affect me a bit too much at times. Actually I think I used the cases that didn't work out to prove the theory in my own head that Im stuck single, not pretty enough etc. With that wonderful thing called hindsight I can see how the ones I met up with weren't right for me, as disappointing as it was at the time, there were reasons it didn't work and in the words of Garth Brooks "some of Gods greatest gifts are unanswered prayers"

So my advice is to persist with online dating but don't rely on it exclusively to meet people, just make it another thing you do. Use multiple sites. I used OKCupid (average overall but that was the jackpot site), POF (the most active and useful), Maybefriends (gone very poor in recent years), Anotherfriend (attracts a lot of eegits but its free so why not?).
With your profile do yourself justice in highlighting your plusses, but also state exactly what you're looking for and what you're not interested in. And inject some humour. Take the initiative and contact those profiles of interest. Don't get overinvested in any of them too soon. And if opportunity arises juggle a few at a time, it keeps you from getting too obsessed with one. Try get them out of the pub for dates. It puts on too much pressure just sitting there hoping conversation doesn't dry up. Try do something of mutual interest and see the real them as soon as possible.

With the benefit of the "before & after" singledom now Id say life definitely doesn't have to be crap single, if someone is a misery guts I don't think a boyfriend would have a longterm metamorphosis on them but life is better sharing it with the right one and the relationship and intimacy stuff is easy with that person.

I hope that some of this helps. Definitely don't get hung up on the age factor though.

blatantrereg

30 is not old. Women are usually at their most attractive in their thirties. (Though possibly I feel that way because I'm in my 30s... When I was in my 20s I thought women in their 20s were most attractive etc.)

tactracttac makes a good point about looks, but I'm guessing it's not looks that is the issue.

I would guess with a high degree of confidence that you are quite closed in how you come across. This is usually the case with women who don't understand why men aren't interested.

Highly extroverted unattractive women are often quite successful with men. I think it's just that they flirt and give non-verbal signals really that get the appropriate response. Very closed off women can give "leave me alone" signals, whether they intend to or not.

Rather than faking extroversion, I suggest approaching things as a science. Look to get to know people so you develop rapport gradually. If you might be giving off putting non-verbal cues, you can simply show an interest in them by listening; asking questions in anything you are genuinely interested in. If you admire something then pay a sincere compliment.

Men find insincerity just as irritating as women find it. (We just can be slower to recognise it maybe.) Being straightforward is appealing to most people.

LegacyUser

Thanks so much for all the replies .... I have found them all really helpful

blatantrereg - Thanks you I have been told this before and can feel myself closing off at time or maybe overthinking the how to act ... I will definitely give that a try and hopefully this will help me overtime to not give off these vibes ..

castaway_lady - Thanks you this was most helpful, I will combine this with what blatantrereg was saying !