Time to break up?

LegacyUser

I've been with my GF for 5 years. Its a long distance relationship, but it wasn't always.
We used to live together while in college and then moved apart for work and she was doing a postgrad.

That was 2013 we didnt see each other at all for months. Eventually it came to our mutual graduation and she never came. She was worried it would affect her social life as she had just started at her new course.
I was very upset about that and almost ended it that week. I was very hurt because we had the perfect excuse to meet up. I was living in a very remote place with no car and it was difficult to see each other at weekends but here I was in an accessible place at OUR graduation and she didnt come.

I decided to give it another go and we met up a few weekends between then and last april when I managed to get a car and I visited her every weekend I was free and things were good. She even came back with me once for a week in august
Then in september she finished her masters and I got offered a new job. I took the 3 weeks annual leave that I had so for 3 weeks in October I was off. I had a house all to myself in a beautiful location. I asked her to come visit as she was now finished her masters and was at home looking for work. I had to pester her as she kept saying she was busy and had to look for work and I had no internet etc. Eventually she came for a weekend but ended up staying a full week and didnt want to leave. She stayed right up to the point where I moved to start my new job.
That was in october I asked her loads of times to come visit since I have a house all to myself and this time I have internet etc and she could look for jobs and still be contactable etc. She says she can't because she's has things to do etc
But the thing is shes not doing much, she is looking for jobs yes, but she cant drive and her parents have offered to pay for her driving lessons but she hasnt booked one. She has never come back to Ireland with me because she doesnt have a passport she didnt have the time before and applying for a UK passport is hard I know but she is now at home with time on her hands and she hasnt done it.
Thats been going on for 5 years. I've told her multiple times that
1. If we get the ferry she wont need a passport anyway
2. How much it would mean for me to show her around my home town, introduce her to my friends and all that.
People think its weird that she hasnt been over and its actually embarassing

Same with the people in my new job, they think its very strange that she hasnt been for a visit. She is far away its 12 hours by public transport and a 6 hours by car but I work flexible times so I could pick her up and drop her back even.
since her visit in october I have only seen her twice, her postgrad graduation in november and I went to visit her and her family on new years.
I tried arranging to meet up before christmas but her sister was home and her mother was apparently not keen on the idea (shes 24) then it was the last weekend before christmas and she didnt want to come then and she was worried about getting stranded if the weather got bad. (we're talking about far north of scotland so I suppose that is a real worry)

My boss also heard that she was looking for work and told me that there is a job coming up soon where I work and that she might be suitable. I asked her to send me her CV but she never did. The job isnt advertised yet even and they seemed keen to get her in. I suppose its another remote place and she isnt keen on living there but surely its better than nothing? I get a house for myself with rent and all utilities paid for as part of my job and they seem keen for her to come here to because its the number one reason that people leave is to be with their OH.

I dunno this is all coming to head now. I'm sure I've started threads here before about the passport thing and when we nearly ended it in Oct 13.

I don't know what more to do. Its like I'm always pushing her to do things. I can never bok a holiday for us or anything because she always says she doesnt know what she'll be doing then. To me if I book a holiday somewhere then it means thats what I'm going to be doing then and unless someone is dying or im very sick thats whats happening.
I dont get it. When we're together we're so happy. I love her with all my heart and on new years eve I could have proposed. I told her I loved her forever, she really is the best thing in the world. And when I see her she is always glad to see me and very affectionate and always bawling crying when I need to leave again.

I've told her how I feel and she must have some idea, the passport thing has been going on for years now.
Is it time that I ended it? I'd rather not I love her to bits like but I don't know where we can go from here and I worry to that if I end it it will end her life. I don't think she would be able to cope with the loss she never handles any kind of stress well.
I'm back in Ireland since saturday and havent really spoken to her since. I haven't told her I love her either to try and drop a hint that there is something drastically wrong. But I dont know how to tell her either that things are going bad for the same reason they went bad just over a year ago especially when I was so loved up last time I saw her.

I was talking to other people about it and they think i should try and arrange one more meet up when Im back in the UK and free and if nothing happens then to end it. What do you people think. I'm sorry this is such a long post but I wanted to give as many facts as I could before getting advice
Thanks

LegacyUser

I'll be honest, if someone showed me so little effort and gave me so many excuses, I'd have stopped thinking of them as my girlfriend long before now. Sporadic good times and long periods of being apart with no apparent prospect of improvement is not a relationship. Successful long-distance relationships have light at the end of the tunnel, yours doesn't appear to since she's made little effort and has passed up chances to put you in a position to make a go of it.
If she doesn't handle a break-up well, that's her problem, she had chances to show willing and didn't take them. You can't stay with someone only because it'll hurt them to end it, that's no basis for a relationship. Besides, all her signals say she doesn't want to be with you, a few tears when she's going home is meaningless, if it was truly hurting her to leave she'd be putting in the effort to stay, or find some other way for you to be together.

I think your journey together was over some time ago and it's really just time to let go.

Chemical Byrne

To be honest from what you describe I get the impression that she is not all that pushed about the relationship. She seems to drag her heels on everything, passport, driving licence, visiting. Sounds like she is just drifting along. Perhaps you need to consider if this has any future.

Tokyo

Two things come to mind when I read your post. The first is that your girlfriend seems to be stuck in some kind of a rut regarding her life, and seems uninterested in making even the most minor of changes. And the second thing is that when reading through your post, I'm left with the impression of effort after effort being made on your part, and paragraph after paragraph of excuses on hers. Relationships should be abut balance, and give and take, yet you are doing all of the running in the times that you do get to see each other, arranging places to stay for you to be alone together and so on, but she is uninterested in reciprocating, even when the opportunity is dropped in her lap (job opportunities, driving lessons and so on).

I'm not surprised that things have come to a head now - I'm actually surprised it's taken this long. I think that you need to have a serious chat with your girlfriend about what the future holds for both of you and whether she's willing to put in any effort, but to be honest, with that laundry list of excuses you have just posted, unless she is willing to make drastic changes, or you are willing to spend the rest of your life doing all of the running and hand holding her through every situation, then I'm not sure I see much of a future for you two.

HalloweenJack

bawlingbad wrote: »

I'm back in Ireland since saturday and havent really spoken to her since. I haven't told her I love her either to try and drop a hint that there is something drastically wrong. But I dont know how to tell her either that things are going bad for the same reason they went bad just over a year ago especially when I was so loved up last time I saw her

Please stop this, this is a terrible way to go about things. You need to have a proper conversation about things with her. This kind of game playing is not helpful. Communication is key in any relationship but it sounds like it's a big problem for you guys.

I vaguely remember a thread of yours before (the one about the graduation) and it just seemed terribly selfish of her. It also sounds like, in general, she doesn't go out of her way to make time for you (not booking holidays 'cause she "doesn't know what she'll be doing") whereas you do the opposite. I just read another thread here about a BF who didn't even think about his GF and, while not as extreme, this does sound similar. I don't think she treats you with much respect: you mention you talked to her about the passport issue previously but she still hasn't done anything about it. If that's the case, then you have to ask yourself how long are you going to wait for her to change her ways?

I think there's a few possible things here: either she's daunted at being an adult (you mentioned she gets stressed easily) and that's led to her dragging her feet on the passport/work stuff or she just isn't ready to be an adult and she doesn't know how to go about this stuff. I also think she may have some anxiety or depression issues. You'd know as opposed to my guess but that's what strikes me.

LDRs are tricky and both parties need to work on it. Frankly, it sounds like she doesn't do much to maintain the relationship and that you do a lot of it. I think you need to think about what you're putting into this relationship and what you're getting out of it and what you think the chances of change are (considering that she hasn't changed her ways so far) if you don't like the outcome.

Mr. Incognito

You sound like you are in a part time relationship.

I wouldn't put up with ANY of that behaviour never mind all of it cumulatively.

End it.

I doubt she will even notice.

Oryx

This isn't a relationship at all. You see her once in a blue moon, do all the running, get little or nothing back from her. Relationships are not like that. They're mutual. They're equal. Both people want to be together and make an effort to make it work. I see casual friends with benefits that have more commitment than this!

She may have her reasons, she may not be able to help it. But there comes a time when you have to stop making allowances for that, and look after yourself. If she cant fix her problems, you certainly cant do it for her. And she doesn't seem to want you to.

I can see why you hold on, you love her, and you have been doing this a long time and are used to it. Cutting loose will be hard because you're letting go of something you hoped would work. But looking at it from here, there's not a lot to miss about it. You deserve more from the person you love.

Stavro Mueller

I'm a little torn on this.
Mostly I think your girlfriend is more in love with the idea of having a boyfriend than the reality of keeping a relationship going. I'm not sure I've ever seen such a litany of excuses to avoid seeing you.

On the other hand, I wonder does she have issues of some sort. In some of what you've described, she almost sounds childlike even though she's a woman of 24 years of age. Though perhaps that's because she has always had people running after her, picking up the pieces for her. You may just have taken the place of her parents, what with all the running and cajoling that you've been doing.

LegacyUser

Hello, me again

Thanks very much for all your replies, I really do apreciate people taking the time to read my post and reply thoughtfully like you've all done.

I think HalloweenJack is right so I have started speaking to her again just not mentioning anything for the moment.

My plan at the moment is this;

I am going to not do anything, I am just going to make her aware of when I am free for us to meet up and let the ball be in her court.
If she doesn't do anything then I am going to use that as context to open a dialogue about how I feel. I give it until the end of Feb.
I just dont want to end this without feeling like I didnt give it every possible chance to work.
She wont like it because she doesnt like talking about stuff like that but if I make her aware that I do want to talk about stuff like that and that because of that we arent right for each other it might soften the blow.

Ideally for me at the moment the absolute best thing to happen is either she turns up on my doorstep with passport and CV in hand or she decides we arent right for each other.
I doubt either one is going to happen.

What do you guys think of that?

This is unbelievably painful. I feel bad chatting to her now because I know whats around the corner but I dont think its fair to end things right this minute.

Stavro Mueller

I think you're postponing the inevitable. Based on what you've written I don't see any evidence that she's going to change her ways. Apart from the rare occasions when you're together, she comes across a someone who's almost actively avoiding you. It's as if she only catches up with you when it suits her and is only throwing you scraps from the table. It's like you're simply an accessory in her life and not someone she's dying to be with. She seems to want things on her terms only and you're the one who's bending over backwards trying to facilitate her. This relationship doesn't sound like it's going anywhere. For every nice week or weekend together there's an awful lot of excuses, selfishness, and no real enthusiasm. I'm sure if most people in LDRs read this thread they'd feel like slapping her about the head and shouting at her in frustration. You've handed this girl opportunities to holiday together, spend time with each other but but she never really seized them. Now there's a gold plated chance to end the LDR and she can't be bothered even applying for the job.

My feeling is that if you try to break up, she'll cry, promise to change and you'll give her another chance. Then once the scare is over things will go back to how they are now. Even if you decide to keep things going I think you should set another future date in your head to stop and check how things are. You've wasted far too much of your life on this.

Oryx

What do I think of that? I think it is a weak, passive response. You're kicking the can down the road. Yet again leaving the decision on what happens up to her. You need to get selfish. This is your life, and right now you're settling for something not even marginally fulfilling.

I agree with the above poster, she will probably promise change, and be very upset, just as you are. I just don't think that change will happen. Yes it is incredibly painful to consider a breakup, but if you dont face up to this acute pain now, youre just stretching it out into another year or years! of this discontent and loneliness.

Rantan

Man up - you,re working incredibly hard for someone who clearly doesn't respect your relationship.
time to end it. Sorry but i think you really need to see the light here.
you sound like a decent, caring person who deserves a lot more than shes giving or ever will.

December2012

What are you actually getting out of this "relationship"?

Because it seems like all you have is a phone buddy and being able to say you have a girlfriend.

Stavro Mueller

December2012 wrote: »

What are you actually getting out of this "relationship"?

Because it seems like all you have is a phone buddy and being able to say you have a girlfriend.

Actually I think you could twist this round the other way. The OP's girlfriend sounds like someone who can't be bothered with a lot of things. It wouldn't surprise me if he's simply ticking the box marked "boyfriend" in her life and she's happy to say she has one.

I'd also wonder how compatible the pair of them actually are. College isn't real life. While you have to fend for yourself to some extent, it's still a little world all of its own, insulated from many of the realities of everyday life. It's clear that the OP had adjusted very well to adult life. He has a job, a car, has shown initiative. She on the other hand seems to need people to hold her hand and perhaps is used to having things handed to her on a plate. I mean, while getting a passport involves some hassle, it's no big deal. Nor is picking up the phone and ringing the local driving school. I bet she's also being very fussy as regards any jobs she's applying for and perhaps will end up with nothing for quite a while.

LegacyUser

bawlingbad wrote: »

I think HalloweenJack is right so I have started speaking to her again just not mentioning anything for the moment.

This quite a common response in threads like this - pick the answer that suits you and disregard the rest.

bawlingbad wrote: »

I just dont want to end this without feeling like I didnt give it every possible chance to work

You already did and she wasn't interested enough to take any of the chances you gave it.

bawlingbad wrote: »

she decides we arent right for each other.

I have to be honest, wanting her to end it so you don't have to is cowardly and dishonest.

bawlingbad wrote: »

I dont think its fair to end things right this minute.

As is this.

Seriously, wake up, you're wasting your time in this "relationship" and you're wasting time posting threads looking for advice and opinions, then ignoring the overwhelming trend in the thread so that you can pick one answer you imagine supports you carrying on wasting your time. Keep on and you'll be no better off, if you do what you always done, you get what you always got. Either make a change, or don't moan about the result.

December2012

Stavro Mueller wrote: »

Actually I think you could twist this round the other way. The OP's girlfriend sounds like someone who can't be bothered with a lot of things. It wouldn't surprise me if he's simply ticking the box marked "boyfriend" in her life and she's happy to say she has one.

I agree with this - it's a mutually convenient label. Both can appear to be in a relationship without actually being in one.

LegacyUser

Guessed wrote: »

This quite a common response in threads like this - pick the answer that suits you and disregard the rest.

.

I wasn't disregarding the rest. Just agreeing that it was silly to not be speaking to her about it at the moment and dropping hints that there was something wrong.
I agree that I just need to face up to the issue and was just thanking everyone for they're responses while I was at it.

General consensus is end it and when I look at it logically I can see that to.

I don't know how to do it though, I'm not experienced in love, this is the only girlfriend I have ever had.
How do I do it in the least painful way?
We're all saying that dragging this out for another two months is stupid but it feels so harsh to go from acting like everything is normal to ending it within less than two weeks.

Defiler Of The Coffin

bawlingbad wrote: »

I don't know how to do it though, I'm not experienced in love, this is the only girlfriend I have ever had.
How do I do it in the least painful way?

There's no easy way. The kindest however is just to call her up and say it straight out. It's not practical for you to do it face to face. If you're having any doubts just think about yourself and how your deserve far more than than this shell of a 'relationship'.

Rantan

Defiler Of The Coffin wrote: »

There's no easy way. The kindest however is just to call her up and say it straight out. It's not practical for you to do it face to face. If you're having any doubts just think about yourself and how your deserve far more than than this shell of a 'relationship'.

Good point here - you need to think of you for a change and not her - do you think for one second that she ever stops to think of you?
To be honest it sounds very much like she doesn't - so time for a light bulb moment for you.
Tough and all as this is - I would be confident that if you drop a question to her in the next call - like "how do you feel this relationship is going" or "where do you see us going with this" chances are she might open the door for you to close it permanently...if you know what I mean??

If not well then it gets harder and you have to say something like " im not happy the way things are and I need more from a relationship" or "im not getting what I need from this relationship" etc etc
you need to just speak the words you feel and be honest with yourself first - say it out loud to yourself first so the words don't sound weird..(..I know its odd but it cant do any harm?)
You need to start the dialogue in your head that sets the wheels in motion for you to manage the end of this relationship. Not easy but not as hard as you think. Start thinking and projecting it in your head right now and I guarantee you that once you've gone through the initial pain it gets far easier - do a health check and be honest - two list:

1. What you got from the relationship and 2. what you put into it..
guarantee you one of them will be very short

..by the way - don't ever mention to her that you got advice from a bunch of losers on the internet or that you got advice from anyone anywhere - this is all coming from your own brain and heart??

Stavro Mueller

The problem with waiting for a better time to do this is that there will always be an excuse. Next thing you'll be saying it's too near Valentine's Day, her birthday, Christmas, exams etc etc. I know you love her but I'm struggling to see any evidence that she feels the same. You've got to ask why she snubbed your graduation (1 or 2 days away from her new college wasn't going to ruin her social life), wouldn't come to the house you had, won't get a passport, nearly had to be cajoled into staying with you. If the shoe had been on the other foot you'd not have needed to be asked twice. Think about that

Before you go down the "kicking the can further along the road" route, bear in mind that this nonsense didn't start today or yesterday. It has been rumbling on since 2013 and you'd have had plenty of good reasons to have ended things before this. I'm not entirely sure what you expect to change in the next 6 weeks or so. There has been absolutely nothing to stop her getting her passport, trying to see you more often, making efforts to be near you etc. The pair of you had lived together before this. To dial back from that to not seeing each other for months on end and coming up with lame excuses speaks volumes.

tinz18

Don't drag it out op. This is coming from someone who had it dragged out for months. There's nothing worse than being told by the guy who's been sweet and acting like everything's fine that he's been thinking about breaking up for weeks. Tell her that although you care about her the relationship is no longer working and ye both need to move on. Don't feed her lines like ye still can be friends etc. Maybe other girls are different but personally I prefer it to be quick and clear without any faffing...that way both parties know its over and I generally respect guys who are straight up over the we can be friends until I get my next gf type.

LegacyUser

Hello OP here

I kow this thread was a while back but I only gathered the courage to end it about 4 weeks ago.
While its been very difficult it has also been a great relief. I am able to do things now that I wasnt able to do before. Like go on weekends away etc without having to coerce her into being with me (who goes on a weekend away alone while in a relationship?)

In my original post I left out that she had cheated on me around the time of our graduation also, because 'she missed me'. Now that I am out of the relationship I can see how absurd the whole thing was.

I do feel very guilty about it but I am getting over that.
So basically, Thank you for all your support and advice it really did help and reading back on this thread reminds me that I made the right decision.
All the best

Big Bag of Chips

As your issue now seems to be resolved OP, we'll lock the thread.

All the best.