Disease

paddysdream

As the Journal vet seems to mention only exotic and unfashionable diseases such as Mastitis scour and bvd, we, (thats me but we sounds like more than one person looked at this sh**e) have decided to produce the definitive article on farming diseases which are relevant to the modern progressive farmer in 2015.

These will not be listed in any particular order of seriousness and many will be irrevelant to some of the readers but make no mistake ,each and every one of these pose a serious risk to our number 1(producing a lot of number 2s ) industry.

1 Silage Fever;
this is mostly observed from early May until mid June( both dairy and suckler men-sheep farmers have an inbuilt resistance ie lack of grass).Spread by contractors initially it has a tendancy to sweep thru an area like wildfire from farmer to farmer.Since the advent of da auld mobile it has become a major problem.Causes are thought to include contractors ringing up and after 30 seconds bemoning the lack of good weather but the decidely good cuts of quality stuff ,they inquire as to when you are ready and if not shur there are ten lads only bulling to cut tomorrow(last dry day for a month).
Vaccination (the number you have dialled cannot be reached at the moment) is a tried and tested cure but yearly booster shots are recommended.



2 Tractor Envy;
Not to be confused with pe*is envy as suffers of this are more than proud to boast that theirs is bright green or blue with throbbing orange bits.Big black rubbers are obligitory(lets be safe out there;compaction kills(soil structure) stone dead.
Cures include a quick phone call from the bank manager or finance man.Monthly check ups (of the bank statement )are a sure fire way to keep this under control.


3 Deadsheepitis;
an afflicition amongst wooly rabbit producers in which the afflicted compete to tell taller and taller tales of how their lambs decided to kill themselves.It ranges from mild cases(drowned in water bucket,bale fell on it,drove over with quad etc etc) to severe and serious outbreaks (ie nobody really believes you but its true!) of how you picked up a starving one in the field and ,to prevent him scouring all over the inside of the jeep you wrapped him in the meal bags only to refill them hours later whilst the said lamb was asleep and smother the poor fu***r
Only cure is to completly get rid of the fu***rs as they are not going to stop dying no matter what you do.


4 The price of daysulitis.
More a contractor problem but can affect the average farmer ie Jaysus but the auld price may go up this year cause the price of the auld green wine is running up something awful.Symthoms include contractors able to discuss (in a knowledgeable fashion) the daily fluctutations of brent crude and what the latest outbreak of rioting in downtown teheran will do to the price when the auld silage kicks off.
Only known cure(50 to 60% effective) is to ask him what the f**k does he need all that fancy gear for when his auld lad done more in a season with a smokey 7610 and a double chop than he can manage with that 500hp diesel drinking SPFH and a fleet of teenage driven 200 hp financed to the hilt tractors.

5 Gettingthemout virsus
(early that is ,not "for the lads" you durty minded buggers)
Incurable but not contagious. Sufferers are usually those dairy men who like to see their cows featured on the front page of the F****rs Jou***l in mid Dec. with the caption"begod but johnny has em out at grass already" (subtext ;what are the rest of ye lazy incompotent messers doing cutting enough silage to last an average irish winter and not cutting costs)
Lack of grass ,bad weather and the fact that they are housed the following day,fed meal till mid may and half are gone dry by july doesnt seem to stop sufferers trying it again the following year.


6 Grassmeasuring diaorheaa;
not that easy to spot as plate meters are easily concealable and many farmers wear wellies .this condition is marked by a total belief in the fact that quality and kgs of dm per hectare plus the auld "grass wedge"(sounds like either a weird golf club or a particularly lettucey sandwich) are of such vast importance that each and every conversation has to mention the auld plate meter plus the toe of the boot test.
Cure consists of asking him how many bales he wants from early January onwards when he sees the back wall of the silage pit on Christmas morning.

7 Larryitis;
Not to be confused with laryngitis(although both are concerned with raised and ho(a)rse voices;
This can spread like wild(barrel)fire in a matter of days.This is closely related to the religious mania outbreaks that swept through Europe in the middle ages.Online forums very susceptible to this despite many innoculations from certain people.
Sufferers(believers) feel that the "Larry lad" is the antichrist incarnate and has his own personal 666 slapmark stamper.
Cure consists of 10 cent a kilo rise on cattle plus a promise to look at the QA bonus.
Remember how you promised to reject Him and his false promises as a young lad?Maybe the men in black knew more than they let on!!!!!

8 Exportmy(sh)itis;
Condition where everyone should produce the ideal export weanling from every cow despite many being grazed on bullrushes in places that would make ideal landing strips for ducks and mating with bulls with pedigrees shorter than an IMI spokesman's promise lasts.
Symptoms include talking (Belgian) bluesh1te and ochone ochone lamenting the ending of the boat.More serious side effects include the innate ability to forget exactly how much the suckie cow costs to keep and a complete ignorance of basic economics ie no understanding of why someone is not willing to pay the production cost of the aforementioned animal despite it being a 175kg scuttery heifer and not a 400kg double muscled bull.
Cure will include a large dose of reality,a teaspoon of fine words and a complete withdrawl of life support ie reps 4 dead and gone.

9 Midnigh(s)titis;
Very easy to spot this one.Look out for lads spreading till midnight on the last day of the open season and out at midnight on the first day when it reopens.Not a bad one in all honesty but if caught can have serious side effects including (financial)pain
Cure should include dirty water spread and (slurry)injection.
Related to this is a less serious one ;namely polyburn.This is very easily spotted by the large plumes of black smoke emitting from farmyards during the spring and early summer.Cure consists of using a pallet to get it good and hot first and cutting down on the burnt oil/diesel intake when lighting.

10 Sodbuster syndrome.
Mainly an Eastern or Southern problem where sufferers take more and more land on conacre to grow corn for less than break even.
Easily diagnosed from an utterance of the following statements;
Shur we have the machines lying idle;will give the young lad something to do in the long evenings;400 entitlements won't activate themselves;if I don't take it this year the other lad will;and the all time classic;
NEXT YEAR WILL BE BETTER.
Incurable even with lump hammer bating the basic message of the post 2015 CAP reform into them.

Nekarsulm

Strangely familiar symptoms there!

White Clover

Never heard of any of them diseases before !!

Nekarsulm

Don't forget "Protein-itis" .Usually affects at least one lad in any parish.Symptons include asking you what protein you have this month, then announcing that his was .5 more.

Genghis Cant

Milkamytosis is a fairly recent disease around me.
It seems to effect the suckler man, particularly some of the larger ones.
It can cause a man to sell up his entire suckler herd and "drop a parlour into a greenfield site"

He goes into a frenzy then trying to learn how to produce milk.
Not sure of a cure yet, but the arse falling out of milk might slow this disease down a good bit.

mahoney_j

Can u vaccinate?????

Genghis Cant

mahoney_j wrote: »

Can u vaccinate?????

A major dose of reality might work :-)

blue5000

Mintillitis is another one to add to the list.
More common in tillage areas, >200 hp tractor needed to pull a seeder with about 6m working width costing about 40K (second hand) weighing in at about 8 tonne. Same machine usually has about 410 grease nipples that above mentioned young lad who has to be kept busy on the long evenings never sees because he doesn't want to be seen with dirty hands. With barley prices at <140 a tonne surely the more acres it sows the better value it'll be, SFP dropping, HELLOOOO, should surely give a reality check/cure for this severely financially handicapping disease.

sh1tstirrer

Was moanitis mentioned yet? Moaning about everything outside your control and not bothering doing anything about things you have control of. It's a condition that never achieves anything only wastes time and makes things worse.i