How to get over situation

LegacyUser

This year was a very mixed year for me. In one sense it was great, but the relationship side of it has made me lose confidence and trust.

Last January I started seeing a guy, and I really fell for him (and he apparently for me...). As it turned out, he lost interest and just started using me. I stupidly fell for this a number of times and would feel like crap afterwards. He is a very charming guy, and obviously knew how to manipulate me.

Recently, after a few months of not hearing from him, I got a message from him, being all friendly. I bumped into him on a night out and ended up staying at his friend's place with him.

Basically, I woke up to him and his friend (also a guy) doing stuff with each other while they were trying to wake me up (I pretended I was asleep).

I haven't spoken to this guy since and refuse to let myself ever again. He text me on New years, but I deleted his number and when I saw him out I completely ignored him.


I have brought that to a close, and I know if I give in to him again I deserve what I get, but my problem is just getting over the whole thing. It really hurt me, in the space of a year him being really into me and being such a nice guy, to turning into this sadistic a-hole. I keep blaming myself for not getting out of this situation sooner and having kept thinking it might change. And I just can't understand how someone would do this to me. I was only ever nice to him, and he really just went out of his way to mess with me.

I need some advice on how to not feel so bad about myself for this and how to stop feeling so embarrassed and idiotic for falling for him. And how to move on and be able to put my trust in someone else (in the future...no time soon!). I know the majority of guys are not at all like this, but it's still tough.

Saralee4

Awh op, don't be so hard on yourself.

they guy has issues. He is a creep. You are not. Don't let his issues become yours.

I have met that type of man before and they can really trick you and manipulate you into doubting yourself. Sometimes it's easier to doubt our own perceptions than to realise that someone can be so conniving. We can't believe how a person can seem to be a good person then suddenly become someone else.

The reason this happens is because we project our own Morals, beliefs etc onto the other person and in some way we are in disbelief because their actions do not reflect something that we would do.

On the other side not really any consolation but I think that they project how they think onto us. So if they are manipulative then they think that's how you are too and because they think your just as horrible as them then they can justify being mean. Does that make sense? I'm not sure just how I think it could be.

anyway like you said, you have always been nice to him. The reason you probably feel bad is because you let this guy cross boundaries that were not acceptable for you and you probably feel bad that you were not true to yourself.

This can happen anyone and when in a relationship we can let our guard down. They best thing you can do is move on, let go and don't blame any of it on yourself but learn from it so for your next relationship you know from the get go what is acceptable for you and what is not.

honey79

Hi op . Don't feel bad your not alone on this I done the same spent way too long with a manipulate man he broke me down to be half the person I was before .it took me a very long time to realise it was his issues and not mine my own family weren't great with listening so ii got outside help but talking it over really did help with to see things clearer in still working on a few things but the good news is you will spot this kind of behavior quicker the next time in all parts of your life and will be less likely to put up with less then you deserve from anyone else . Good luck xxx

LegacyUser

Thanks for the kind words. I really just needed to vent.


I know it's silly to feel so bad about it, but there were so many warning signs now that I look back and I feel like an idiot. I'm sure I'll get over that in time though.

I guess it's mostly the fact that I'm very shy and somewhat awkward to start. And he made me feel really good about myself (at the start), and now I just feel like crap.

And I'm kind of worried about how I'll feel when I'll inevitably walk past him in college. I aim to completely ignore him, and I know I can do that, but I know I'll get that awful heart-going-fast, stomach-dropping-to-the-floor feeling. I guess that's just something I'll have to get over myself, and I guess I can keep telling myself that he's not worth even thinking about.

I guess one good thing is that I'm really busy in college. And I'm lucky that that this happened before christmas so I've had time to get my head together and not mess up with my work!

FluffyAngel

Maybe you had to go there to understand what you will and wont allow in your next realtionship
Take it as a lesson in life and a guide to boundary setting ,and your right not all men are like that ...

it will take time to overcome those feelings that you describe ,but inaway you are allready setting the stage for when you do meet him

how about changing the thoughts of panic feelings and fear when u meet him ,to one of strength and moving forward and saying he is not a part of my life and i have moved on

Stavro Mueller

The reason why so many people here have advice to give is that we've made mistakes like these along the way. I can see how it happened - if you like someone it can be hard to accept that they're not the person you wish they were. Anyone can make a mistake and there's nothing wrong with that. The important thing is that you learn from it and spot the warning signs should the same situation arise again.