Is it me or him?

Lostgirl15

I'm with my boyfriend over 3 years and we lately are fighting a lot. Problem from my point of view: I know he loves me but he doest want to commit and doesn't have any respect towards me. For example, he goes out with the his friends, the minute he is out of the door his phone is off, he might not come home all night and he won't let me know where he is and is he ok. When I ask him why he didn't bother to call me, he says he was too drunk. Or just recently he booked holiday (without checking with me) to US for 2 weeks. I let him go. Day he was leaving he said he will ring me from airport- he never did call me for 3 days, when he did it was the usual excuse. After 1st week away his friends put some photos and videos up with him dancing with girls from our town (1 of them likes my bf) I didn't even know she was going as it was boys holiday but apparently some girls booked holiday at the same time. I asked him to come home after first week and he did and now all his friends are bad at me etc etc

I'm I overreactibg and not giving enough space or is he being unreasonable. Please help

Keane2baMused

Lostgirl15 wrote: »

I'm with my boyfriend over 3 years and we lately are fighting a lot. Problem from my point of view: I know he loves me but he doest want to commit and doesn't have any respect towards me. For example, he goes out with the his friends, the minute he is out of the door his phone is off, he might not come home all night and he won't let me know where he is and is he ok. When I ask him why he didn't bother to call me, he says he was too drunk. Or just recently he booked holiday (without checking with me) to US for 2 weeks. I let him go. Day he was leaving he said he will ring me from airport- he never did call me for 3 days, when he did it was the usual excuse. After 1st week away his friends put some photos and videos up with him dancing with girls from our town (1 of them likes my bf) I didn't even know she was going as it was boys holiday but apparently some girls booked holiday at the same time. I asked him to come home after first week and he did and now all his friends are bad at me etc etc

I'm I overreactigg and not giving enough space or is he being unreasonable. Please help

Well for start I wouldn't ask someone to come home from their holiday no matter how annoyed or hurt I was. Doing that in my mind is just adding fuel to fire so I do believe it was the wrong thing for you to do..

BUT I understand exactly where you are coming from.

Word for word he sounds exactly like my ex. He did what he wanted, when he wanted and never gave a crap how it made me feel or what the consequences where. I also spent 3 years with him and the final straw was 2 nights out in a period of 3 weeks he went out for a night out and never came home until the following afternoon. Wouldn't answer phone calls or texts and just shrugged his shoulders and would give no explanation as to where he was all night and day. I went away for 3 nights and on my return packed my bags and left.

It was hard and he then did a turn about and told me everything I wanted to hear before (but didnt) for months on end but I stood my ground and moved on. I'm now seriously happy with a man who is everything my ex could never be.

Ask yourself do you want to spend your life with him. Do you truly believe he can make you happy?

If yes, then you will have to learn to live with his ways (if that's possible)

If no, well you know what to do.

I hope you can do what's right for you, all the best.

Oink

Op, sorry to put it that way, but I don't understand what he's doing with you.

Only from reading your post, he seems to find life much more interesting without you. As in "when I'm out living my life I don't want her in it". He even made sure not to tell you about the holiday he was booking without you.

I hate to say things like that as a stranger on the internet, but you seriously need to face the cold facts.

shalalala

Sorry op. But I would cut and run. He sounds like an inconsiderate immature boy that you could do without in your life.

Addle

He loves you but doesn't respect you - are those things not intertwined?
You 'let' him go on holidays?
From your op, I don't think either of you have a favourable attitude to each other and your relationship.

Lostgirl15

Thank you everyone for your honest opinion.
i do agree with everything you said but apart from his bad attitude towards me he is also been good to me. Mostly finanicially... Does that count for anything? Plus most of the time when he lets me down is when he's drinking... Should I ask him to stop drinking?

Wibbs

In my humble this is a classic example of the near universal and textbook Three year itch(tm). The honeymoon period has passed(usually happens around the three year mark) and the more long term future together period is in play.

In my experience this is the most vulnerable period in a relationship, the most likely time for one to break up. One partner(in this case you) wants to continue, to escalate to something more solid than boyfriend/girlfriend and the other partner(in this case him) doesn't. Again in my experience I've found that if the woman doesn't want to move it further she'll break up with the guy(even if it's only in her mind at first) whereas men are more likely to continue the status quo, especially if they can get away with it.

IMHO that's what your boyfriend is doing. He's technically still with you, but he's not thinking much beyond tomorrow and he's already kinda left. The more emotionally stunted men will try and engineer it so you break up with him, so he doesn't have to. I'd bet his behaviour is this in motion. The drinking thing is just a symptom of this.

As for being financially "good to you", that's an easy way out for him. It's far easier to spend money than time and emotions on someone. Plus this isn't the 1950's, you are your own independent woman in the world, his financial input should be the least of your concerns.

TheBeardedLady

Hiya OP.

I'm not one to demand perfection from any fella and think some people are deluded in their long lists of what they want from a guy or girl but jaysus, you're settling for the scraps here, OP. Ask yourself if you're happy with this fella and if the honest answer is "no", you know what to do in your heart of hearts. The whole purpose of being in a relationship is that it's supposed to enhance your life, not add misery to it.

We've all been there to some degree and it's hard to see the wood for the trees when you're in it and you justify all kinds of inexcusable behaviour. Only when it ends do you see it for what it was.

Find someone that makes you happy, OP. A relationship is not all sunshine and lollipops all the time but there's a foundation of respect there always and it looks like you're lacking that big style in yours.

Keane2baMused

Lostgirl15 wrote: »

Thank you everyone for your honest opinion.
i do agree with everything you said but apart from his bad attitude towards me he is also been good to me. Mostly finanicially... Does that count for anything? Plus most of the time when he lets me down is when he's drinking... Should I ask him to stop drinking?

Lostgirl without being blunt here..

You've gone from saying "I told him he could go" ( holidays) to essentially making him come home, to now asking should you tell him to stop drinking..

You cant make this guy the man you want him to be. He is who he is and chances are he is not going to change, especially when it's not on his terms.

meeeeh

I think the answer is both. I am bad enough calling my partner during the day but even I leave him alone when he goes out. on the other side your bf has complete disregard for you and I can't figure out why he is still with you. Why keep going out with someone who makes you cut your holiday short. Tbh I would hate to be a partner of either of you. One is inconsiderate to the extreme and the other one controlling.

Wibbs

meeeeh wrote: »

Why keep going out with someone who makes you cut your holiday short.

Because a) he hasn't nailed down his exit strategy yet and/or b) he hasn't lined up a replacement. That would be my take anyway.

woodchuck

meeeeh wrote: »

I think the answer is both. ..... One is inconsiderate to the extreme and the other one controlling.

This, this... a million times this!!!

There's a pair of you in it :rolleyes: Yes, he's inconsiderate, but perhaps it's your controlling nature that's driven him to it? Demanding he comes home midway through a holiday, you considering asking him to give up drinking and thinking this is reasonable. He's a grown man, not a child that you can order around and keep tabs on. To be honest I can see why he'd want to go on a night out and/or holiday without you and not keep in touch much... sounds like he needs a break from you!!

Lostgirl15 wrote: »

Thank you everyone for your honest opinion.
i do agree with everything you said but apart from his bad attitude towards me he is also been good to me. Mostly finanicially... Does that count for anything? Plus most of the time when he lets me down is when he's drinking... Should I ask him to stop drinking?

Eh, so you are just with him because he spends money on you!?

I'm sorry to say it, but this relationship sounds doomed to failure. How old are you both? It all sounds like really immature behaviours from both of you to be honest.

Rachiee

Sorry OP I can't believe you asked him to come home from holidays and he did. It sound like you don't trust him why should he be calling you and texting you on an night out. If he get hit by a taxi you'll hear about it in the morning.when he's out are you sitting at home thinking about him worried he's getting off with someone else? Absolutely toxic relationship. I know I couldn't go out with someone who didn't trust me and if someone asked me to ring them or text them while I was out I wouldn't on principle.

Lostgirl15

Rachiee wrote: »

Sorry OP I can't believe you asked him to come home from holidays and he did. It sound like you don't trust him why should he be calling you and texting you on an night out. If he get hit by a taxi you'll hear about it in the morning.when he's out are you sitting at home thinking about him worried he's getting off with someone else? Absolutely toxic relationship. I know I couldn't go out with someone who didn't trust me and if someone asked me to ring them or text them while I was out I wouldn't on principle.

Rachee I didn't asked him to call me on night out but I think it's only normal for him to call me once in 3 days?

I don't hassle him on nights out but when someone doesn't come home for 2 days I think it's not healthy

Lostgirl15

Thanks everyone, small update

I know Iv become a control freak, but that's not who I really am.

I have never said no to anything he does, just lately it feels like I have no choise but to be one, because without controlling him, there simply wouldn't ne us.. I

And no I'm not there for the money, what I meant is if I ever try to explain to him how I feel he simply answers that he does everything for me (money) and I should be lucky that he can secure our future (money). I don't need his money but he happens to think that because he has it I should be grateful - the qustion is should I or is this is his pathetic excuse?

eviltwin

Probably both of you are at fault because it sounds as if you both driving the other to act in this way. He is probably feeling controlled so makes decisions without telling you and goes off the rails when he has a bit of freedom, you feel threatened and start making demands. Its a vicious circle and its completely toxic. I doubt either of you is naturally this way but the relationship isn't good for either of you if its bringing out these characteristics. I would cut my losses and end things. I can't see anything in what you write that is positive. It come across like a total head melt tbh.

Keane2baMused

Lostgirl15 wrote: »

Thanks everyone, small update

I know Iv become a control freak, but that's not who I really am.

I have never said no to anything he does, just lately it feels like I have no choise but to be one, because without controlling him, there simply wouldn't ne us.. I

And no I'm not there for the money, what I meant is if I ever try to explain to him how I feel he simply answers that he does everything for me (money) and I should be lucky that he can secure our future (money). I don't need his money but he happens to think that because he has it I should be grateful - the qustion is should I or is this is his pathetic excuse?

OP I think you know deep down the relationship is not good. Do yourself a favour and cut your losses before you end up hurt.

Lucyfur

MOD

Hi op, I think this is better suited to relationship issues

bee06

Lostgirl15 wrote: »

I have never said no to anything he does, just lately it feels like I have no choise but to be one, because without controlling him, there simply wouldn't ne us..

I think you've answered your own question here. You shouldn't have to work this hard to hold things together.

Saralee4

I think it's a bit unfair to label op as "controlling".

The guy is confusing and when someone confuses you like this, you try to find some kind of stability.

When you say you "let" him go on holiday op I think you are somehow trying to justify or trying to feel like as part of the relationship that you had some say in the matter when the fact is, he was going anyway.

I don't think it's too harsh telling him to come home from his holiday. He basically went and booked a lads holiday with no consideration whatsoever for you and didn't even bother to contact you like he said he would. On top of that other women that you know joined him in the fun. I'm not surprised you were feeling hurt and left out op.

The only thing about telling him to come home from the holiday, out with the lads or whatever it is, is that your kind of turning into his mother. I don't think it's your fault at all. I think he is creating that situation.

Unfortunately I don't think you can do anything about it and people have to want to change. By being with him, you are changing, you are becoming something you are not.

He is not providing you with what you need. Finish with him. Don't give him the best of both worlds at the expense of your own happyness.

It sounds like he's already branded you to his pals as a nag. How long before he pushes you to become that person that you don't want to be.

LegacyUser

Lostgirl15 wrote: »

I know Iv become a control freak, but that's not who I really am.

OP Look back over what you've written - you say he loves you but doesn't respect you. You say he's good to you but only financially which he then throws back in your face when you say anything. You want to change him by stopping him drinking and he's actions have changed how you are as a person.

Does this sound like a healthy relationship? Sounds like he is far too immature for a relationship right now. He likes having a GF cept when it gets in the way of the rest of his life. You want a relationship that is more involved then what he can give you right now and it's making you unhappy trying to fit him into a box that he doesn't fit in. I could not stay with someone who didn't respect me, end of.

I'd seriously reconsider the relationship, why stay with someone who changes who you are? Who makes you act outside of how you normally would act?

LegacyUser

I think Wibbs has hit the nail perfectly on the head with this three year itch synopsis. The relationship has become toxic. He clearly doesn't have any regard for you or your feelings.

Drink is a total cop out. Nobody has been too drunk to give a common courteousy call. You haven't turned yourself into a controlling moanbag. Your boyfriend and his "I'll do my thing-you do yours" attitude have put a nail in things.

It's impossible to hear but I think your partnership has run it's course. Do yourself and favour and get out. I was in a relationship that went the very same way. Don't drag it out. I remember saying to my friends after calling it a day that it was just a relief cause we had pretty much split months previous. Instead of putting the dog down when it was time We/I made it go though about 3 months of unnessassery surgery.

Stavro Mueller

I'm not sure what it is you're getting from this relationship. You say you know he loves you but I'm not seeing anything in what you typed after that to back this up. If nothing else, the lack of respect he's showing you is far from what I'd consider to be love. I'd be interested to know what his thoughts on this are and why he is still with you? His behaviour is what you'd expect from a single guy, not one in a 3 year relationship.

While you were in the wrong to ask him to come back, I can sort of understand where you came from. I guess being with someone who's behaving in the way he is can bring out your inner crazy lady. If you felt secure in the relationship you'd probably not be the control freak you've turned into.

As things are, I can't see this relationship going anywhere. It's making you miserable and I'm sure he's not enjoying it either.

InTheTrees

He booked a two week holiday to the USA with a bunch of his male and female friends and he "forgot" to tell you???

??

Thats a pretty obvious message right there. Not much to say after that is there?