BOYFRIEND HASN'T ASKED ME TO MOVE ABROAD WITH HIM.

sarahlouisexx

Hi guys,
So my boyfriend and I have been together for a year. He has always said he would love to do a year internship in America after he finishes uni which was last year 2014. So he has applied to go in June 2015. He doesn't know if he is in yet but he most likely will get in. He hasn't asked me to go. Theres a few reason that he has said...firstly he sees how happy I am with uni and that I know what I want to do so he doesn't want me to up and leave that. Secondly he doesn't know for sure he is in yet so doesn't want to make solid plans. Then lastly he has said it might not be that easy for me to get a visa and job etc.
Do you think he just doesn't want me to go because he hasn't said he does? or is he just being realistic?

Rosy Posy

You've been going out for a year and he's possibly moving away in half that time again. I think it'd be foolish for you to be making such massive, life changing plans together at this stage. I also think it would be madness for you to give up a college course that you love for a guy. If it's meant to be you will be together. Personally I would be more wary if he was asking you to move with him and leave you education behind as it would show that he values you being together in the short term above your aspirations in life. Wait til he's got a firm plan and maybe look into your options to transfer to another university or do Erasmus or something.

sarahlouisexx

Yeah when you lay it out like that it does seem silly. I just worry about being away from him for that long. I know i would probably be able to go over to visit him on my holidays though. He just is terrible with communicating over messages. He sends me about one a day whilst he is away atm. He said if he goes he will get better at it. I trust him but he is a man. What if he can't fight urges anymore and accidentally strays? all these things run through my head.

Rosy Posy

It's still a long way away. Cross that bridge when you come to it. If you have trust issues you have trust issues, regardless of where you are. When my then boyfriend, now husband and I were in uni we spent a summer apart while he did an internship and I went travelling with friends. He was so paranoid that I would cheat on him while off with my single friends that he ended up having a ons. While it was devastating at the time, it blew apart a lot of preconceptions that we had about each other and our relationship and ultimately we worked through it to a place of deeper trust and connection. I think that you just need to have faith.

sarahlouisexx

Yes that's true. I just worry to much. I need to learn to see what happens. If he decides to do a residency for another year after the year then i would definitely go. I think the longest we would be apart this year would be 6 months. I guess i just have to go wit the flow.

Big Bag of Chips

You are being very unfair to him, and all men by assuming he won't be able to control his urges and accidentally cheat. Very few people "accidentally" cheat. It's not something that happens in a second. Cheating on someone takes a bit of time and effort!

Look, if he's going to cheat on you he will. And he could do it here or in America. Wanting to give up your own plans to glue yourself to his side to ensure he doesn't cheat on you isn't a great plan... And it's not a great basis for a relationship. He seems to have given you very valid reasons for you not moving over with him. Yet you are second guessing everything. Be careful you don't push him away with your uncertainty and suspicion.

sarahlouisexx

Thanks for saying that. I've tried to speak to my mum about it but because my parents have had infidelity issues it always makes me anxious. I know that my man is loyal and he truly just wants to learn more and see the world at the same time. For instance at the moment he is overseas on a short internship and taking late night shifts. He just wants to be the best he can be. I'm just worried that he won't put in as much effort as i will in a ldr. He is so bad with replying and communication.
I think i need to stop overthinking everything. Its ruining my life.

athtrasna

Sounds like you're at least a year behind him in college? As a graduate he would be entitled to the one year J1 which would allow him to live and work in the US. You wouldn't be, he's right. Most you could do is the 90 day holiday visa waiver and it's illegal to work on that. If he knows this then he's being practical more than personal.

Stavro Mueller

sarahlouisexx wrote: »

Thanks for saying that. I've tried to speak to my mum about it but because my parents have had infidelity issues it always makes me anxious.

I'm just worried that he won't put in as much effort as I will in a LDR. He is so bad with replying and communication.
I think I need to stop over-thinking everything. Its ruining my life.

Perhaps you've picked up your insecurity from your parents. Saying "I trust him but he is a man" really is a sweeping statement and implies that you don't actually trust him. Perhaps you might consider making an appointment with your college's counselling service and have a chat to them about your insecurity issues. I read your first post last night before I went to sleep and even in that, the tone of what you'd written sounded a bit needy or possessive. What

LDRs can bring out the inner crazy in a lot of people, even those who don't have the insecurity/trust issues you seem to have. I think the pair of you need to have a chat about how you'll keep the relationship alive while he's in the States. Regular Skype chats, for example. Perhaps an agreement that you'll reply to each other's texts?

As has been said earlier, it'd be madness for you to disrupt your education to go abroad just because you don't trust him or because you can't live without him. Hopefully your relationship will last the distance but if it doesn't, you'd not want to be looking back on the educational side of your life and have regrets.

iusedtoknow

He is being realistic

You won't be able to move with him. There us no accompany visa for the j1. For any US visa that there is a accompany visa, you have to be married. You will only be able to visit him for upto 3 months at a time, and will need to stay out of the US for long enough to raise the suspicions of the immigration authorities (the rule of thumb is stay out as long as you have been in, so in for 3 months, out for 3 months)

Also....you should maybe take some time to look at your view on men. Either he will cheat or he will not, in reality - he could be cheating on you right now. However..it wouldn't be just because he is a man. The majority of men do not cheat, just like the majority of women do not cheat. Either he will or he won't.

LegacyUser

iusedtoknow wrote: »

He is being realistic.

+1 OP you've been together a year. He had plans to go aboard for the intership before you got together so it's not something he's sprung out of the blue. The reality is you won't get a visa and it sounds like your still in college so how would you go? How would you fund it? Be realistic.

I've been your OH, gone to the states for an internship and it's hard work. Yes you get to experience a new country and have some fun but you are there to work. It's different to students going over on the 3month summer working visa who are mainly going to travel/drink/party while working dead end jobs they don't care about.

Your better off making plans to go over when he is on holidays too and doing some traveling together. Don't land over when he is just starting the internship or up to his eyes with work. You'll only end up stressing each other. Give him a few months to adjust to work and life there then go over for a nice holiday were you can spend time together. I wouldn't be heading out for 3 months unless you get a visa to work as well. What are you going to do all day while he's in work? without a visa there is only so much local tourist stuff you can do by yourself and whose going to fund that? I'd focus more on matching your holiday breaks to his and going out then - better a week or two spent together then spending 3 months where he is working and your sitting around. If you can get a student visa for the summer to work then I'd talk to him about going to stay with him but stressing your going to be getting a job while there.

Your views on men/cheating seems to steam from your parents and that's something you should deal with yourself OP.