Feel terrible-Went 2 a gay sauna and in a relationship with a girl.

moloney_sen

I went to a gay sauns to experiment one night as I was curious. I have always being curious but never had the balls to go. One night I got really drunk and went to a sauna, which is no excuse. I experimented but did not have sex. Afterwards I realised that the gay scene was not for me and it will never be.

Now I feel really guilty as I'm in a relationship with a girl who I adore and love with all my heart. it's the biggest mistake I have ever made and regret it everyday. I am now trying to put this behind me but am finding it very difficult. I can't tell my gf as I love her to much and this would end our relationship and cause pain and suffering for us both. It's a secret that I would like to carry to my grave with me. Any helpful advice?

Aard

Get an STD test.

ftse100

I think you know yourself you're never going to tell your girlfriend. Move on and forget about it. Simple as. If you dwell on it she'll surely notice you're acting strange?
If you go back to the "gay" scene though I think it's best you tell her!

moloney_sen

Doctor Jimbob wrote: »

I'm a little confused here, did you go to the sauna while in the relationship or beforehand? I'm assuming the former based on the thread title but the post itself seems a bit less clear. Apologies if this seems like a minor detail but the advice I'd give personally would vary quite a bit based on which is the case.

I went to the sauna while in the relationship. The guilt is really getting to me and I haven't slept in 3 days. Do not know how much longer I can hold it together.

R.D. aka MR.D

How sure can you really be that this 'curiosity' isn't going to manifest itself again?

Your girlfriend deserves to know all the facts and make her own decisions.

I was in a long term relationship with a bisexual and I would say never again for me personally but he told me before we entered a relationship so I made a decision based on having the facts. Your girlfriend is completely in the dark. I don't think that is very fair on her.

beks101

R.D. aka MR.D wrote: »

How sure can you really be that this 'curiosity' isn't going to manifest itself again?

Yeah this would be my concern too. You didn't enjoy that one time at the sauna, but at that point despite this great love and attraction you had for your girlfriend, you still felt compelled to go and experiment behind her back.

There's the trust issue - you cheated on her. And the sexuality issue - is there going to be another stage when she's suddenly not 'enough' for you again? How can you be sure there won't be?

Those would be my grave concerns if I were in her position. Who exactly is she dating here, and what sort of future can she expect with someone who would betray her like that, and who's not sure enough of his sexuality, or his relationship, to not want to give the gay thing a shot again?

Of course you can bypass inflicting all this worry on her by just keeping mum and not saying a thing, which I suspect is what you'll do. But these are important questions to ask yourself and to fully deal with, even if they mean ending things with your girlfriend because you can't be sure of the answers. If you love her, surely you'll agree she deserves that.

degsie

moloney_sen wrote: »

It's a secret that I would like to carry to my grave with me.

You are not very good at keeping secrets.

IlmoNT4

These type of secrets are hard to keep OP, I'd tell her and deal with the fall out...

Stavro Mueller

Maybe I'm wrong but I'd have thought most straight people wouldn't feel all that curious about gay saunas, let alone go to the trouble of going to one. This was some sort of bizarre itch you needed to have scratched for some reason.

If you feel you have to say the words out loud, maybe talk to a counsellor or something. I'm also not convinced that you're as straight as you say you are but that's another matter entirely.

TheSheriff

Just let it be dude. Keep quiet and get on with your life.

If it happens again or you get the urge then tell her.

Saralee4

Where you curious about gay saunas in particular or a gay experience?

If u were having doubts about your sexuality a gay sauna is not going to be the place to figure it out. It would be like sending a Virgin to a seedy sex club.

my main concern is that you've had a bad experience in this sauna thing that scared you and right now you are happily back in the safety of your girlfriend.

I usually would say keep it to yourself but if you have any doubt about your sexuality then I would say finish with your girlfriend. Don't tell her about the sauna and take some time to figure out who you are and what you really want.

FinnCool

moloney_sen wrote: »

I went to a gay sauns to experiment one night as I was curious. I have always being curious but never had the balls to go. I experimented but did not have sex. Afterwards I realised that the gay scene was not for me and it will never be.

Now I feel really guilty

You experimented. You realised its not for you. Don't tell your girlfriend.No reason to. What good would come from it?

R.D. aka MR.D wrote: »

How sure can you really be that this 'curiosity' isn't going to manifest itself again?

Your girlfriend deserves to know all the facts and make her own decisions.

The fact that he got drunk and did something he totally regrets? no need to tell her. He feels bad enough already.He said the gay scene isn't for him so who do we believe? Him while drunk or him while thinking clearly days after it? Just move on and don't do things you will regret when drunk.

ftse100 wrote: »

I think you know yourself you're never going to tell your girlfriend. Move on and forget about it. Simple as. If you dwell on it she'll surely notice you're acting strange?
If you go back to the "gay" scene though I think it's best you tell her!

I totally agree with this. Just forgive yourself and move on.If you cannot sleep after a couple of days its time to let yourself off the hook.You made a mistake and you learned from it.

loulou2009 wrote: »

These type of secrets are hard to keep OP, I'd tell her and deal with the fall out...

No one knows except him so its easy to keep.With all due respect, it would be crazy for him to tell her now. He feels bad enough already.He knows it won't happen again as he nows how badly he feels.He said its not for him. It was just doing something he regrets while drunk.

OP, you need to forgive yourself and move on. It was a mistake and if you wouldn't want to do it while sober then make sure you don't get as drunk again.Everyone has done something they feel bad for while drunk so put it behind you.If you didn't care that you did it then that would mean theres something wrong in your relationship with your girlfriend.The fact you feel bad shows you really don't want to lose your girlfriend and can't believe you did something like that and put yourself in this situation.

Shrap

I have to say that I think the OP is in no doubt that he is also attracted to men. One does not simply rock up to a gay sauna without knowing that before hand! And that's fine. No problem being bi, and actively exploring your sexuality to the limit. Unless you are already committed to monogamous relationship.

The problem here (as I see it) is that the OP is feeling guilty as all hell about doing this behind his gf's back, and that is indeed a deal breaker in two ways - a) having sexual relations of any kind with someone else while in an exclusive relationship and b) keeping a massive secret from your OH like being bisexual, even though you are maybe only admitting that to yourself now.

OP, in this relationship, I presume that you being attracted to men doesn't come up much. But you are, amirite? This means that you are currently with a woman, who I've no doubt that you care for deeply, who doesn't have the first clue about a whole other essential part of your sexuality. This issue (whatever about the guilt of having to all intents and purposes, cheated on her) is not going to go away for you. If you are attracted to men now, you still will be 20 years down the line when there might be a marriage and kids involved too. Can you, hand on heart, say that you'd never again be attracted to a man? I doubt if you can. And if you haven't explored that part of your sexuality, then the urge to try it again in secret may be overwhelming.

I wonder if you should at least consider being honest with her about your attraction to men as well as women, and let the cards fall where they may? I feel it would be more of a long term mistake to try and put this back in the box and pretend to yourself that you are all heterosexual. You may need to explore gay sex more, and you probably can't do that within this relationship.

Shrap

moloney_sen wrote: »

Afterwards I realised that the gay scene was not for me and it will never be.

Ps. The gay sauna scene you can rule out. You were curious, and you didn't like the scene, fair enough that you can say it will never be for you. But having an intimate sexual experience with a man might be - in a less public context. In other words, group sex is not necessarily a great way to explore your sexuality. I think most people, hetero or homo, would have trouble finding out if either/both was for them in the context of group sex. I know I would!

piperh

Normally my advice would be don't hurt her to ease your conscience, she deserves better.

However on this occasion while I don't think you should tell her what you have done as this will create unnecessary pain and confusion for her, I do think you need to end the relationship while you figure out the path you are on. Maybe you are bi, maybe straight or gay whoever you end up with deserves a partner who is sure of their sexuality or at least one who is honest about their unsurity from the very beginning.

Lets be honest its not as if you had just happened upon this gay sauna, its hardly got a big sign over the door. You were curious enough to enter and these curiosities are not going to go away after a drunken fumbling and at the moment you're being confused by the guilt you feel for cheating.

Finish the relationship, find yourself as that's the least you owe yourself and any future partner.