Do I get involved?

Rosy Posy

I have a friend who is always having relationship difficulties. Her OH is mean and a drunk and has little to recommend him. A long time ago I sat her down and told her he would never change and that by staying with him and making excuses for his behaviour she was enabling it. I told her that for her sake and the sake of her kids she should walk away and not look back. She did not take my advice and stopped confiding in me, instead choosing to paint a rosy picture of their relationship. Tbh this was fine by me as I was sick of the drama.

Fast forward a few years and I was out for a run, bumped into her oh walking the dog. He basically bad mouthed her to me, and said he wanted to leave her- this was all in a very awkward and short conversation that I had tried to keep light- I made some comment about how the holidays can be stressful with kids off school and families- but he brought back to how he doesn't like her very much. My oh says he constantly bad mouths her in worse terms when he's alone with the lads. The conversation left me feeling icky. On one hand I feel horrible saying nothing to her, on the other I really don't want to feed the drama. I even wonder could he have been saying that to me in order to get at her as he possibly knows that she doesn't want me to know the true nature of their relationship. I'm pretty sure the right thing to do is to try to put it out of my mind...so why do I feel so uncomfortable about it? I don't know how I'm going to look her in the face the next time I see her.

ABajaninCork

I'd keep well out of it. The next time either of them mentions the other tell them straight 'I don't want to know' and change the subject.

thefeatheredcat

I wouldn't get involved.
He could just have been mouthing off at the time and even if there was more to it than just having a bit of a rant, if your friend finds out what he said, she could confront him, he could deny all that he said and they both could paint you in a bad light.
I've a feeling it would be one of those situations that should you get involved in any way, it's you that is going to be the worse for wear, the brunt of anger and the "cause" of the drama or blamed for tensions in the relationship, as in made the excuse for it all, rather than either taking responsibility for their own behaviours in the relationship.
It might be difficult to know what he said, going to your friend with the information when she has ignored valuable and worthwhile advice from you in the past will probably render little except that she removes herself from your life further, and might not be done in the most polite way.

Rosy Posy

So he definitely was trying to play some kind of mind games. After said incident he went back to her, told her that he'd trash talked their relationship to me and then went missing, presumed on a bender. She came round with the kids trying to put a spin on it and I basically changed the subject and gave them dinner and had a nice evening talking about other stuff and the kids playing. I felt bad when she was going home, knowing that he was going to be in God-knows-what state but if they want to live like that then I suppose that's their choice .

ABajaninCork

Sounds as though the pair of them deserve each other. I'd keep my distance.

Rubberchikken

be there for her. some day when she finally wakes up to what he's really like, she'll need someone on her side who knows exactly what she's gone through.

at the moment she's probably in denial. trying to kid herself that they love each other, maybe trying to keep the family together for the sake of the kid.

don't tell her what he said to you. it's just adding fuel to the fire and could come back and hurt you.

take care

Paco Rodriguez

As a friend to the person, I think you should speak to your friend about your thoughts. You have already done this and they know your point of view.

So I think you have done enough in a friends position. Don't get involved further I would say.

Rosy Posy

Thanks for the replies- confirming what I had thought myself. It seems like he was trying to get at her through me so by not making it an issue he's not getting what he wants, which has to be a good thing. What a piece of work! Sometimes I despair of people!