LDR issues - help

LegacyUser

Hi,

i met this girl online about 3 years ago and since then she has come to ireland a few times to see me and i have gone to see her also. We agreed an open relationship (my suggestion)because of the distance and time apart.
In the beginning i did not really care as i did not know her that well but since then our feelings have grown. We have recently had phone arguments coming from her jealousy but i have never once asked who she was with as it would be controlling and unfair. She is due to come back here soon for another holiday but i have been completely headwrecked the last few weeks as it dawned on me that my feelings have changed & i can't handle an open relationship with someone i really care about.
Along with this is also the knowledge that I fear my feelings will grow even more when she comes and then i won't see her again for months. I don't want to hurt her. I have been with a couple of people in the mean time and im sure she has too even though she said she has not.

I don't want to pretend as nothing has changed but i dont want to ruin her holiday either.

all my mates say 'go out and shag more women' but i don't know if that will solve anything

I feel like im torturing myself here... any advice appreciated

Tokyo

I think it's pretty obvious that you need to talk to her as soon as possible about the status of you relationship - three years is a long time for that kind of status quo, and you are unhappy at the thought of an open relationship with her, and she seems unhappy at you seeing other people, as evidenced by her jealousy. If I were in your shoes I'd talk to her before she came over - it doesn't have to be detailed, just tell her that the idea of an open relationship isn't working fro you and that something is going to need to change if you are to continue being together. That way she has the option of stepping back now before incurring the cost of a trip to Ireland, or she can come over with the knowledge that you have things to sort out.

If the conversation goes well and she does come over and wants things to progress, it's worth noting that you both can't continue like this indefinitely - there needs to be a finish line in sight. Three years is a LONG time for a long distance relationship - I know of very few that have lasted that long, and almost none that have lasted longer. Ultimately if you both want to be in a monogamous relationship, at some stage you are going to have to discuss either you moving over there, or her moving here. Otherwise you're little more than pen pals, and just dragging out the inevitable.

FinnCool

LDR123 wrote: »

Hi,

my feelings have changed & i can't handle an open relationship with someone i really care about.
Along with this is also the knowledge that I fear my feelings will grow even more when she comes and then i won't see her again for months. I don't want to hurt her. I have been with a couple of people in the mean time and im sure she has too even though she said she has not.

I don't want to pretend as nothing has changed but i dont want to ruin her holiday either.

all my mates say 'go out and shag more women' but i don't know if that will solve anything

I feel like im torturing myself here... any advice appreciated

To me, these parts are the most important about your post. You have done the LDR long enough by now.It's either she moves or you move.Otherwise things just get worse.

I was in the same situation as you years ago.It ended up neither of us were willing to move after years doing the LDR. Now I just view it as time wasted as I could have been with other women or dating or whatever.

If you think she has been with other when ye had an open relationship then why is she lying about it? Why don't you believe her more importantly? This sounds like you don't trust her which is a big warning sign.

I'd say when she comes over, its time for the 'serious' talk. Either ye both go on in the same direction or else you should go off in a different one before you go further and further down the route of heatache.

Don't go off with anyone else until you know where you stand.Don't mind what your friends say as if you are not 'free' from the relationship then you head will end up all over the place.

She might be wanting to move anyway and maybe waiting for you to say it.It could work out nicely and you are better off knowing sooner rather than later

LegacyUser

Many thanks for the advice guys. Much appreciated, put a lot of things in perspective for me