Funny misheard things

JumpShivers

What funny misheard things have you or others have heard?

1. My mam has been getting vitamin B12 injections for the past while. There is also a new Lidl in town and I asked her "Did you go to Lidl?" and she said "Yeah, it was very sore". She thought I said needle.

2. My boyfriend's mam asked him "Have you fed the dog?". He replied "The dog's only eaten half a slice of ham". His mam walked away looking bewildered saying "oh oh, he ate half a slice pan, didn't think he'd eat half a slice pan".

3. My boyfriend also popped next door to his aunty's house to ask her for a Panadol. She came out with a toilet roll.


Any others?

The Backwards Man

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cz2-ukrd2VQ

Sir Osis of Liver.

Got any funny ones?

Archeron

My dad was told in the hospital that he had a cataract in his eye and would need surgery. When he went home, he told the family he had a thundercat in his eye.

Molester Stallone II

Little neice had heard her mum use her favourite "That's a matter of opinion" phrase quite a lot, she got the opportunity to use it herself one day. So. Hand on hip, looked up and said
" That's a matter for a penguin!"

strobe

There's a saying in America, '**** you and the horse you rode in on'. Us TV shows use the 'and the horse you rode in on' bit to imply swearing as they can't say **** during certain hours or whatever. As a kid I'd only ever heard it said on telly, never saw it written down, so I thought it was some weird American swear word/insult "andihorsurodinon' or something. Think I was about 20 before I read it somewhere and it finally clicked. I don't brain so goodly.

The Diabolical Monocle

hilarity ensued when the judge said 'not guilty'

then he said 'oh no wait I mean guilty'

laughed all the way to the cell.

Day Lewin

My mother was very puzzled when she heard on the radio that a one-armed Irish seaman had been shot.
(This was back in the 70's)
It seemed unusually specific...(and cruel)

-- turned out it was an unarmed RUC man!

(still cruel no doubt but far less unusual)

the dark phantom

The buddy was drinking on Duke St, Glasgow, It was early enough on a Friday and he hears a chap ask him for a light, He goes to fetch a light from his jumper but yer man actually asked him did he want a fight.

Banjo String

An auld lad Joe was his name (long dead) used to drink in my local back home.

You know the type, never left the town land he was reared in, drove the tractor to and from the pub, innocent of the big bad world if the truth be known.

Two funny ones I'll always remember him for, one lad had returned from twenty odd years in America for a visit and had dropped into the bar for a pint, Neilly struck up conversation with him.

Joe: "Ah Jeez young O'Neill are ye home?
O'Neill: (in a slightly American brogue)" yeah Joe , for a couple of weeks anyhow"
Joe: "aye, Jesus your looking shockin well, how's your ma(who was sick with cancer) keeping?"
O'Neill (in his American brogue): "ah Joe she's good n bad"

/Joe spits out a mouthful of whisky, face turns white...... "what'd you say, that your ma is good in bed??? " :eek:

Another one was one day the barman was asking after Joe's wife who had recently been diagnosed with angina.

Barman, "well Joe, how's the wife these days"?
Joe, " she's tortured with that auld vagina so she is".

They don't make em like that these days.

MadDog76

I was in Spar a couple of months ago and the deli bar was mad busy (mostly school kids on their lunch break) so there was two people serving (a girl and a lad) ......... the girl says to lad "have we any more rolls ready?", he says "no" to which she replies "can you put more on?" and he f*****g lost it!!! I mean he went ballistic, called her every name under the sun until the manager intervened to came everything down ......... I thought jesus that lad can not handle a busy deli bar, needs a new job.

A couple of days later I was back in the Spar and I asked the manager what the story was ........... turns out when the girl asked the lad to "put more on" he mis-heard her and thought she said "moron!"

He was apparently a little embarrassed about the whole thing and took a few days off